Eventful...

..is a word for 2012, no matter who and where you are, or were.

Everyone that I know seems to have had something happen in their life during 2012 which has been profound, or life changing...

...I have...lots...

I said in church a few months ago, testimonies are wonderful encouragements to baby Christians, but testimonies are in fact living entities.  If your testimony isn't living, breathing, screaming, crying, kicking, jumping, glory filled evidence of your walk with Christ, in the word of the wise, yer doin' it wrong.

And He never said it wouldn't be painful.

I've also said I want to burn away all the bad stuff that happened, and leave the refined silver or purified gold...

...but in fact, amongst the rubble is experience, and I've always said how valuable that is.

So.  A fond farewell to 2012, not the slamming door that I wanted it to be originally, for given some time to think it over, He is moulding me into what He wants me and He hasn't finished yet, that was just a start.  For from what I was, will become something new, and for the first time I'm actually excited about what could be round the corner.

I've also re-read what I wrote on 31 December 2011.  What I was referring to in that post was the conviction that God would likely tell me to move on, and 2012 was that testimony.

Yes, testimonies are living entities.   And eventful.

Kingsway 25th December

Title: All to us
First Line: Precious Cornerstone
Artist: Chris Tomlin
Composer: Chris Tomlin, Matt Maher, Matt Redman & Jesse Reeves
Album: And if Our God is For Us...
Mp3: Yes
Sheet Music: Yes
Popular sources: SOF5

My thoughts: Happy Christmas!  Leaving aside that I was surprised to see a posting on Christmas Day (well, OK, it is one they've posted before), I thought, hang about, it's that Mr Tomlin again.  This is a good one, well structured and easy to listen to, and no angels or mangers in sight - I've always felt uncomfortable with such anyway.

It isn't one to get especially excited about though, but I can imagine it popping up in worship once in a while as it is a great one to drift along to...

This song is available on Kingsway from today until 31st December inc.  To access, you must logon; or register with Kingsway, who in return will add you to their mailing list, but they are not serial spammers.

Kingsway 18th December

Title: Waiting Here For You
First Line: If Faith can move the mountains
Artist: Martin Smith
Composer: Chris Tomlin, Martin Smith & Jesse Reeves
Album: God's Great Dance Floor - Movement One
Mp3: Yes
Sheet Music: Yes - melody line and chords only
Popular sources: SOF5

My thoughts: Rather peculiar that the sheet music is melody line only, but in fact the chorus is in SOF5....a Kingsway publication.  And as far as I can make out OK on the CCL.  Laying aside that little oddity...

I was wondering how these guys manage to produce such beautiful stuff and I was loving this one.  Must dig it out...in SOF5...and give it a turn at some point, because just lately I've been more keen to try out stuff less than 5 years old, having caught up on the last 20 years that I've missed.  It does, however, remind me of another worship chorus, which may be by Paul Baloche, but I can't quite nail the words in my head.   Also, for me, the chorus eventually began to grate (I can simplify for my purposes) and may benefit from a stronger middle section.

This song is available on Kingsway from today until 24th December inc.  To access, you must logon; or register with Kingsway, who in return will add you to their mailing list, but they are not serial spammers.

Rest

So, I'm free of any obligations for a few weeks, except for work of course.  I am in for a busy January as there are potentially 3 outreach sessions for WL, one of which is all day.

My health issues have settled down, although I have more tests coming up.  I am much calmer.  I am also hopeful, but maybe a bit impatient.  I have concerns for my friend, but at the same time I have a rather exciting vision for them I'd love to get confirmed.  I am slightly annoyed with one particular person, but that problem seems to have dissipated and I will quickly forgive them.  Last night I had a half hour ponder/meditate on "unity" and the lack of it in churches.  I was thinking about where I could end up, and in what capacity.

These are just a few things buzzing round my head at the moment.  I didn't go to church yesterday, I felt that the two outreach sessions were enough fellowship for the week, especially as I saw some old friends there...

...do I have any regrets?  On leaving, no.  For making some friendships more distant, oh definitely...

I don't think I'll go to church next week either.  As much as I love carols, as regular readers may know I feel uncomfortable with reducing the Son of God to a child in a manger.  Just the knowledge He came in poverty is enough.  It was what He became that is important.

End of December/start of January, I'll look at a couple more churches, and hopefully, eventually, settle.

Courage

I drafted a post on Monday, going into further detail of what happened to me on Sunday.  I decided not to post it.  It felt just too personal somehow, but lets just say that God is calling me to mature to another level.

I saw a friend on Wednesday and told them all about it, it was difficult to sort out all my emotions about talking to them - it's been a couple of months since I last saw them...

...and I hope that I will see them again....something at the back of my mind I can't ignore.

Anyway, a few weeks ago, I gathered some choruses together for this week's outreach.  On face value the structure is quite un-Christmassy, but in fact there is a father-son theme going through which is quite appropriate.  No carols though.

I then lost courage with 3 of them and replaced them.

God then put one of the dropped on my heart so strongly that I feel that He has pretty much commanded me to teach it to the congregation, and to make sure I do.  (It is very new, written this year and was a Kingsway offering a little while back.  I was thinking about teaching them after the message had ended, during ministry)  1st one replaced.

As I often do, I played them through last night.  The first one is all wrong.  I love it, but it just doesn't fit.  The 4th one, ditto.  The 2nd of the 3 was replaced.  When building the PP, I replaced the 1st with a lively chorus/hymn that fits much better, and one that was seemingly an immovable chorus was replaced and I didn't even know it was a problem until then.

And, finally, the 3rd one I lost courage with was put back, God is telling me to go out on a limb.  The original structure is back, with one replaced.  So I figure, if I'm the only one praising God tomorrow, sobeit.  The Boss has spoken.  Still no carols.

For all sorts of reasons, this might be the last time I lead worship at this group's outreach.  It could all fall flat or could be brilliant.  But I know that God thinks I'm fab whatever.  And that's what counts.

Kingsway 11th December

Title: Your Name
First Line: As morning dawns and evening fades
Artist: Paul Baloche & Kathryn Scott
Composer: Paul Baloche & Glenn Packiam
Album: The Writer's Collection
Mp3: Yes
Sheet Music: Yes
Popular sources: SOF4

My thoughts: It's interesting that there is a pattern of late, in various churches I've been in and out of, the Name seems to be a recurring theme, the Name that is in everything, now and forever.  The power of the Name.  The strength of the Name.  No co-incidence I think.  Anyway, this offering of Baloche's is....OK.  The words are terrific, but I'm not so sure about the tune, maybe I'm being a boring old Anglican again.  Still, it makes a change to have something not too new for a change, reviewing the old (which Baloche is doing on this album) as well as celebrate the new.  Choruses I believe can be revived and used in a new way and it may just bring on a new anointing.

This song is available on Kingsway from today until 17th December inc.  To access, you must logon; or register with Kingsway, who in return will add you to their mailing list, but they are not serial spammers.

Miracles

They say that miracles are for Christmas.

Actually, miracles are for Jesus, and they can come at any time of year.

I witnessed one today, and yesterday.

Each week, the Spirit within me has led me to different churches.  The reason for last week's became clear yesterday as another was snatched from the pit.

Today, a different church, I witnessed one that will bring me to tears every time I think of it.  Where there was dry desert, there was a green tuft of life, a remembrance of a former fire, but the spark was visible.

God led me to the church for me this morning.  He had something to say that I had to do, and then showed me how faithfulness reaps rewards, when I saw a shadow out of the corner of my eye, giving me fresh hope for the future.

And oh yes, I have hope and new confidence.  Help us both die to our former selves, and blossom again.

Kingsway 4th December

Title: Mountaintop
First Line: The valley low, that's where we make our homes
Artist: The City Harmonic
Composer: Elias Dummer, Eric Fusilier, Aaron Powell & Josh Vanderlaan
Album: I Have a Dream (It Feels Like Home)
Mp3: Yes
Sheet Music: Yes
Popular sources: None

My thoughts: I like this lot, I love the title track of the album (Feels Like Home) which was one of the earliest tracks I downloaded from Kingsway back in October last year.   They remind me a bit of Third Day, and if you liked them you will surely like these guys.  This isn't the strongest chorus I've heard by them, it seems to lack the hook that Home has.  It's also another one that Kingsway have offered before (back in February).  All the same, this is a good reminder to buy their album or at the very least, add it to my wish list.

This song is available on Kingsway from today until 10th December inc.  To access, you must logon; or register with Kingsway, who in return will add you to their mailing list, but they are not serial spammers.

Moving in a mysterious way

Having decided to generally "back off" this week because the wounds are still too painful, Saturday evening my thoughts turned once again to church, and where to go on the Sunday morning.

I really didn't want to go to the church I went to a couple of weeks ago.  There's something missing...

All the same, an "impetus" got me out of the front door yesterday, despite rain, wind and cold.  If asked, I guessed I would have said I would have felt guilty all week had I not gone somewhere.  Fear of God does that to you.

I ended up in a church that was very small indeed, there were 8 of us there in total.  But God is God.  There was a link with one of the members.  She thought she had missed the monthly outreach, and oh yes, her friend would like to come to, and maybe a few others...

Two, maybe more, people who will be coming to the outreach, who wouldn't have come if I had notturned up in their church that morning.  God was so in that detail.  And it was a Spirit driving me out in the inclement weather.

Have I found the church I need?  Well, I still don't know.  The message was good (and very apt for me, well a good reminder, about moving mountains)  They need a worship leader (there's a surprise!) but is it the place for me?  My attitude is very strange - you would think I would be saying - worship leading??!!  When do I start??!!  But no...

I was thinking about it later, after a conversation with the outreach leader, that the regular WL is still very much Out Of Action and will be for some time.  It saddened me, but I thought, I can't do church and the outreach, it nearly killed me in the summer.

Remember the butterfly?

I shall be a butterfly.  I will flit about from church to church.  I know where I'm going next week, and I have plans for the following couple of weeks to Christmas.  God has somewhere for me I'm thinking, but as long as I get fellowship, and the gospel, that is my food for the week and I will be happy.

The WL will come later.  After healing.  After prayer.  Maybe God has something even more special.

Coming in like a flood

I'm still suffering a little, I can safely say I've had better months...tests are coming up negative which is good, of course...

The other day, I drafted a post, a rant really, with something that was going on in the media; in the end I decided it linked me too closely with specific events and people and I really don't want to drag them into it, it isn't fair.  Also, I realised, with a heavy heart, humans will be humans and some of them will never listen, even if they are told plainly.  Jesus had that problem too.  So I deleted the draft post, and I'm glad it never made it into whatever cloud if was heading for, as it may have bit me on the bum later.

Anyway, it is somewhat humbling to hear of acts of courageousness in my local area, suffering the worst flooding for some years.  It's now just the sweeping up.  I feel like I've been thrown about myself, drowning in hurt, self pity and bitterness...now it's just the cleaning up.  He's listened to my rant, I now just have to let go.  And slowly, I am.

There are outreach sessions coming up, and although I am ready for them (bizarrely, the choruses aren't really very Christmassy) I cannot take for granted that I will lead worship, anything could happen.  If He asks it of me, He will sustain me.  Such is my state of mind I take nothing for granted anymore.  I'll still go to them of course, they seem to be my only bread and butter nowadays.

I have to find a church.

Kingsway 27th November

Don't ask.

Title: The Light of the World
First Line: The Light of the world
Artist: fairly certain it's Kristyn Getty...
Composer: Stuart Townend and J.K Jamieson
Album: Creation Sings
Mp3: Yes
Sheet Music: Yes
Popular sources: None

My thoughts: What can I say?  It's nearly Advent, so it must be time to dust off a Townend or two (cue heavenly choir - ahhhhhhh!) and this is typical fare, sounding all, um...'Celticky' - if I'm allowed to turn it into a verb.  Yes, it's good, and yes I like it, but I'm not going to rush to transcribe it or type out a chord sheet.  I was surprised that I couldn't find this on my CCL CD though, given it's (apparently) 3 years old already.  Perhaps it's a demand thing.

Also starting this week, Kingsway are releasing 5 Christmas choruses/hymns and I'll get round to listening to them at some point.  Townend and Getty's Joy Has Dawned and Brenton's Joyful Joyful I am familiar with (and are very good I hasten to add), not sure about the other 3 as I can't remember if I've heard them before or not.

This song is available on Kingsway from today until 3rd December inc.  To access, you must logon; or register with Kingsway, who in return will add you to their mailing list, but they are not serial spammers.

Puzzles

I'm still feeling a bit rough, but I've found the best thing to take my mind off of the ailments is a good puzzle.  And not the one in your local newspaper, or a book from a newsagent shelf.  No, a mystery or pattern to solve in your head.

It's a trait I inherited from both parents, although I think my father would maintain I got it from my mother, both love a good think.

I was getting out of my depth in 2 Corinthians, and decided to read Genesis.  I love Genesis.  I always get something new out of it, and the scientific side of me has a multitude of thinking possibilities in just the first two chapters.

But if I get fed up blowing my mind with that, there are the two outreach sessions next month which I am assuming I am leading worship for (there is always an outside chance that I won't) so I'm doing some prep now.

Preparing worship is like a puzzle and the pieces have to slot in perfectly.  Too many worship leaders seem to chuck a few choruses together.  I did that last week, and the outcome was certain: mediocre.  No, I want these two to be special, but I also want them to be unique.  I feel a couple of choruses the Spirit has told me to play, and are non negotiable.  I now have to slot in the rest.

I'm loving this.  Oh, yes, frustrating, because I've been thinking this over for some days, nearly getting there, but not quite, re-arranging, seeing that it's still not right yet, moving, key changing, singing in my head (and out loud), practising in my head...

...you may think that this is all perhaps wasted time and self inflicted aggro.  But, when I feel a bit under the weather, it is, seriously, like medicine to me.

Kingsway 20th November

Title: Kingdom Come
First Line: Even when the waters rise
Artist: Soul Survivor
Composer: Beth Croft
Album: Kingdom Come
Mp3: Yes
Sheet Music: Yes
CCL: Probably.  Eventually.
Popular sources: None

My thoughts: I was ready to be a teensy bit critical of this, maybe it's just the mood I'm in.  I think to myself, it's all very well saying lets write music that speaks to the yoof because they will carry this on after us and quite right too, but what about that middle ground of the beentheredonethatgotthetshirt brigade such as me, middle aged, still thinking Matt Redman is hip and happ'nin?  Having repented of that, and started to listen properly, I thought, this sounds too much like a track to be performed, rather than a chorus for a group to join in with.  Then I started reading the words and realised, yet again, that this chorus is rather appropriate to my situation at the moment.  I didn't weep, I just mused on how He does that a lot, because this means that I'll have to say that this one is quite good and rather special.  No, I should be honest.  I like it.  I don't absolutely love it.  It grew on me, it has a great hook anthem that will get anyone from 8 to 80 humming, and frankly, that's pretty OK for anyone.

This song is available on Kingsway from today until 26th November inc.  To access, you must logon; or register with Kingsway, who in return will add you to their mailing list, but they are not serial spammers.

Storms

I've been reading some Andrew Murray (no, not the tennis player, the South African preacher) and I realised that the sermon that I had alighted upon was speaking into my life.  He was talking about Peter and his "crisis of faith" and "conviction of sin" at the moment he realised that he had denied Christ three times as predicted...

...and yet He still loved Peter.  The Peter at the gate became a different Peter at Pentecost when he gave it all over and received an infilling of the Holy Spirit.

When we finally realise we haven't given it all, that we are still fighting with our flesh not His Spirit, only then, I think, can the true healing begin.

I've had an extremely difficult week.  I did have an enjoyable bit of fellowship Saturday evening - but over the phone.  They said to me they always prefer phone calls, so that's something I've now firmly noted.  The Saturday outreach was difficult, but well received.  I know that I didn't put a lot of effort into it, and you only get out what you put in.  Even the secular world recognises that.  Or at least, the sensible and unselfish ones do.

Yes - I went to church yesterday, and I was weeping all the way through. I am having a tough time, yet I haven't really admitted it to anyone.  With all the various aches and pains I've suffered over the years, from mild to utterly excrutiating, nothing compares to a hurting heart that just wants peace and rest.  I'm not sure the church I'm going to is for me.  The gospel is excellent, but I'm missing the Pentecostal worship.

Even so, the message was clearly be still, let go, and receive...much like what I read of Murray later.

I am not going to give up, though I am sorely tempted.  He never gave up on me.  It would be unthinkable, wrong to give up on Him.  Now is the time for standing on the promise, and to weather the storm.

Looking back...

...is never a good idea.

I mean, look what happened to Lot's wife.

I may post Kingsway's offering later, or tomorrow..perhaps.  I had a Bad Day yesterday, and today is the aftermath.

I looked back.  I asked and I got an answer. I rattled off an angry email, rattling the recipient, and they ended up thinking the anger was aimed at them.  It wasn't.  I was angry with a number of people, but not them.  I've sorted out that friendship, (I think) frankly it would be very difficult to create too large a chasm between us, because that's the type of person they are.

Hands stretched out in front, not looking behind.

I know I need to move on.  The temptation to bury the pain I feel...it's too easy to do that which I did in the past.  I know now - pain, resentment, anger, bitterness, they are fertile and rampant seeds that grow as weeds and thorns, and get in the way of the good seed, or choke the plants that grow.

I need to forgive.  I need to be cleansed.  I need to be healed.  In that order. 

Receiving hands, stretched out in front, not looking behind, and definitely no digging.

For normality, please walk this way...

This morning, I went to the church that could quite possibly become my new home.

I then listened to a testimony - a woman just a couple of years older than me told me her life story in about 5 minutes and completely blew me away with her faith and integrity.  She took a few moments to recognise me; we got baptised on the same day last year.

I then got in contact with my friend, who's made the Final Step today in parting company with the same church I've parted company with - for different reasons (although one of their reasons was one of the kicks I needed)

My old singing tutor has been in touch to recommence the Saturday morning lessons.

Things are settling.  God will trouble the waters and then the ripples eventually desist until the water is as still as a duck pond.

Except - I don't think our spirits, as Christians, ever get that still.

Stress

Something rather nasty is occurring in my life at the moment.  I am fairly certain I am suffering symptoms of stress - the nasty ones at that.

I had a scary episode Sunday night and went to the doctors Monday morning.  He's given me some tablets and taken some blood.  Now wait.

And God shines through.  I emailed a number of the Christian brotherhood (just the ones who have email, there are a number I don't know/don't have email).   The outreach leader put me on the prayer chain.  The second in command sent me a get well card this morning.  Two others, the ones I regard as close friends, sent messages of support and prayer.

Those lights I need to focus on.

Kingsway 6th November

Title: Breathe on me
First Line: Breathe on me, breath of God
Artist: Claire Hamilton
Composer: Claire Hamilton
Album: The version I have is on Mission Praise: Love Never Fails, also on Introducing Claire Hamilton
Mp3: Yes
Sheet Music: Yes
CCL: Yes
Popular sources: None

My thoughts: This is a beautiful song, a heartfelt, simple love song to God, that makes me ache just reading the words.  Sometimes we don't need many words to sing praise to God (even Redman's I stand in awe of You is a bit wordy for the sentiment it's trying to express) and this is a wonderful example.  It has shades of Peter Gabriel about it - the early one, fresh out of Genesis when he was singing things like Biko.  Nothing wrong with that, and the ethereal quality it has.  Maybe this one won't be used much in general worship, but I think it would be great for meditation times, or ministry, just playing quietly in the background and let the Spirit carry you away...

This song is available on Kingsway from today until 12th November inc.  To access, you must logon; or register with Kingsway, who in return will add you to their mailing list, but they are not serial spammers.

Just(?) another Sunday

The other day, I tried to remember what my Sundays were like before Feb '11, and couldn't.  Sundays are strange without my usual task, and even stranger today as I didn't go to church at all.  This is because I decided to stay at home due to a minor health issue.  I actually felt better this morning, but as evening draws in, it's raised its ugly head again, so I guess I'm going to the doctors tomorrow.  I'm going away for work soon - I don't want it to become serious in some remote location!

I've prayed on and off today, thought about yesterday and carried on with a task I believe that God wants me to complete, although I'm not sure of the reason why.  Last Christmas, I built a PowerPoint file of songs for the church with a hyperlinked index, so me and/or the group could be as portable and flexible as possible.  Well, obviously they've kept that file and the updates I've made and I hope that they keep that system going.  A few months ago, I decided to change the format of the file slightly, not least because there was some weird error going on that caused it to crash.  So, I started to rebuild it.  Now that I've parted company with the church, I'm going further than that - carrying on with the reformat, removing the CCL number, splitting the hymns away from the choruses...and getting rid of the ones which I will never play.  Y'see, the way I view it is that churches go through seasons.  That chorus or hymn may have been annointed last season.  This season it's starting to smell a bit.  Yet there are some that still play it in a given setting because it did alright last time.  It may have a revival.  Some think that old revivals will be...erhem..revived with one chorus.

I want to scream at them to listen to what God wants, not what they think will be good on a certain day, and they can play.

Anyway, I can always put them back again, for songs, have seasons, and it seems I'm starting a new one.  Why I'm rebuilding the file when I can't see any purpose for it yet seems pointless, but I'm sure God's telling me to complete this.  So I will.

Sabbath Rest

I've often said I don't regard these outreach WL sessions as proper work, in fact they've started to become part of the healing process.  Worship was fab today, I knew it was going to be OK from the first chorus.  I need to start remembering to worship myself, and trust God to be in control of the rest.

It was great to be free today, and as good as the morning was, feeling "happy exhausted" at the end of it (so a good day at the office), I came home slightly sorry that it was over....but....I then thought...

...glory be.  I don't have to worry about this again for at least another week.  I am free of that for a while.  God, as far as I'm concerned, can take His time over paving the way for me.  It isn't laziness, for I will happily take up the sword when He needs me to - no, it is finally being happy in my lot, a burden lifted, a responsibility removed for a while, I have entered a wilderness of sorts, yes, but a beautiful one, a rest.  I decided to try and have meandGod time during the periods I would normally have been with the group, or on my own, practicing or chorusstorming.

Maybe He'll point the way during those times.

Although I don't want to be impatient, someone told me today to make sure I find where God wants me quickly else the blessings I can give with my anointing will be wasted.  It was encouraging, and thinking of it, extremely sobering.

I am, after all, a foot soldier, and it ain't no good to be on furlough for too long.

I was doing so well...

The health issue I mentioned seems to be easing off somewhat, which is great as I need to be moderately fit for the next couple of weeks - one outreach session as WL but it's mostly work, another love in my life which is likely to take more of a centre stage as I rest the fingers and strings for a while.

Or maybe that's not what God wants.  Hoopomonay is a difficult thing to master.

I was feeling healthy enough in body and mind to go shopping today, the cupboard really was nearly bare, and carrying 4 rather heavy shopping bags on my own got me feeling rather unwell again.

Nothing that a cup of tea can't fix, methinks.  Yes, a cup of tea and go through my emails.

.....blessings and words from the members of my previous church, and now I'm having trouble keeping the sobs at bay.  I didn't properly process them the first time round, now my head has stopped spinning with the speed of it all, reality has kicked in, or at least my humanity has.  Yes, I can be human sometimes, rather than a robot that just copes.

It's OK to cry though, I'm sure He understands.

Strength

It's amazing how He sends comfort at unexpected times.

I was feeling quite sorry for myself last night; I was watching a film about a young man and his dragon saving the world, or at least his locality, which took my mind off the health issues I've been suffering.

One of them, although not serious, could affect my WL work.  There's nothing that my doctor can do at the moment - unless it worsens.  The other two are doing their best to take my joy away.

So there I was, half watching the big fire sequences and half thinking about the church I went to last week and the senior pastor there and...

...something triggered inside of me.  I've learned not to ignore the triggers anymore, because where God's concerned lately my gut has rarely been wrong.

It is the right place to go.  Something will happen.  I do have a place there.

Why should I be concerned with health issues - they are a minor inconvenience when I think that others have stuff that is life threatening or prevents them from doing their day to day tasks.  Mine aren't yet.

But.  I resolve to resist this in the name of Jesus, of the Lord my God who strengthens me.

Kingsway 30th October

Title: Great I Am
First Line: I want to be close
Artist: New Life Worship
Composer: Jared Anderson
Album: The Narrow Road
Mp3: Yes
Sheet Music: Yes
CCL: Yes
Popular sources: None

My thoughts: This was offered by Kingsway back in January (my gosh the year has flown).  I'm afraid I don't have a lot to say about this one, other than...it's OK but not, in my opinion, great.  I find it a little dreary rather than worshippy, but might appeal to the ministry times of the service, or perhaps I'm just being a boring old Anglican again.  (New running joke with me.)  Still, I haven't removed it from my mp3 player since January, so I've a) ignored it, b) can't bring myself to delete it, or c) something inside me is seeing some value in it.  I hope it's the latter...

This song is available on Kingsway from today until 6th November inc.  To access, you must logon; or register with Kingsway, who in return will add you to their mailing list, but they are not serial spammers.

Location, location, location

I, like many people, like "searching for property" programs on the TV and I also like Grand Designs.

I think it's something to do with our inerrant nosiness.  It isn't so much the finding, its the having a good look about somebody else's patch to get new ideas, or, the worse side of our human nature, to be critical.  And there is something about L3 and Grand Designs that turns it into some sort of soap opera, as they seem to pick the most awkward and/or objectionable people in society.

I have never been in the situation where I have the luxury of choice of where to move into.  It's always been - location ok for work, tick, price is right, tick, ok when do we move?  Forget decor or whether I like the area, at every move there has been a sense of urgency.

Not this time.  I have the luxury of choice, although I now think God wants me to settle quickly.  And I think I know which church.

3 churches in 3 weeks - although to be fair, I will never attend the first two regularly due to distance.  Number 3, went on recommendation and I already know the pastor as he was the other half of my baptism last year.

I was sitting quietly in the service, so far, so good, maybe less charismatic than I was hoping.  Unlikely to be any place for me in the music group, long term maybe very occasionally.  Am I in this for the long term?  Surely it is far too early...

You have something to offer here.  You can be part of the change that I am planning.

Was it God's voice?  It sure sounded like it.


I spoke to the pastor afterwards, laid all my cards down and was honest.  I've parted company with my previous church, with the senior pastor's blessing.  I am looking for a new church.  He replied that he had been praying specifically for gifted people to come to his church....

...could it be?

I think I will give this place a couple of months, I don't want to be too hopeful too soon.  Yes I am cautious. I am also still hurting a little.  It will all take time.  Awkward, not sure what I want, not forthright, uncertain, little confidence.  And no equivalent of Phil or Kirsty to help me.

But I do have God.

With a prayer

Better than I ever dared hope.  Praise God.

I have been released, with the blessings of the senior Pastor.

And...that's it.  I am now without a church.  Of course I am still part of the church body, my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, I am still on a journey with one destination, but...

...this could be scary.  I'm travelling free.  But at the tiller is Christ.

I have one more conversation to have, with a person unconnected with the church, but I just want to let this sink in for a while.

What have I done? 

Cornered into a position (as usual) where I have to trust God to take charge.

This could get very very interesting.

Kingsway 23rd October

Title: Trust You
First Line: Father of heavenly lights
Artist: Aaron Keyes
Composer: Aaron Keyes, Pat Barrett & Matt McMichael
Album: In the Living Room
Mp3: Yes
Sheet Music: Yes
CCL: No
Popular sources: None

My thoughts: My gosh, I love this one already.  Maybe it's the oh so slow 6/8 time, maybe it's the "falling" melodic minor melody in the chorus, or the possibilities this one could offer in worship.   When I was more into secular music, my tastes were questionable at best, absolutely awful at worst, so I could be horribly, horribly wrong when I say I think this one could be huge.  I said a few weeks ago that every so often an artist will write something that has such tremendous WOW factor that it you can live on it for a while without them writing anything else.  In my opinion, this is Aaron's banginbetweentheeyeballs hymn.

I'm not sure if the album is yet to be released, but the only indication of where it was from was on the mp3 tag.

A refreshing change that I have no criticism, not even a tiny one.  Maybe God has removed that gene for a bit...

This song is available on Kingsway from today until 29th October inc.  To access, you must logon; or register with Kingsway, who in return will add you to their mailing list, but they are not serial spammers.

Another week, another church

I went to my friends' church today, about 50 miles away on the Wirral.  What was unexpected was the worship; an all male group and mostly old choruses, when I had been led to believe they did more modern stuff.

Then one friend said to the other - "I think that's the first time I've been there where the worship was made up of old choruses" - must have seen me coming!  But I noticed, in contrast, the enthusiasm of the group of 30-40 for these old choruses against the Anglicans of last week with modern hymns and no enthusiasm.

God re-iterating to me that it isn't just what you sing and play.

I was finding it difficult to worship; I'm fighting a cold so my voice was rubbish, the WL insisting on playing everything in the "usual" key (so far too high for me), and some of the old choruses stabbed, even ripped at my memory of what was, what it could have been...

...I am being stupidly sentimental and maybe morbidly pessimistic, but despite pretty speeches of "it will be good to have a holiday from all this" - deep down, the WL in me needs to know when.  God spoke to me from Hebrews last night.

Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward.  For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise. Hebrews 10:35-36 (KJV 1611)

I cannot know the reward until after I have done God's will, and I need patience, in fact it's that word hoopomonay again - endurance, patient continuance - not really a strongpoint of mine.

And sometimes we need to drop everything, re-prioritise, and move on, marking His footsteps.

Death and Resurrection

It is faintly ironic, or maybe it is somewhat apt, that my last official session as WL for the church was a post funeral service.

Two hymns, The Lord's my Shepherd and Abide With Me.  I listened to the prayers and speeches made in remembrance of the deceased, a person I didn't know very well actually, but I felt God saying to me throughout: "Don't fear.  You've made the right decision, trust Me."

The final conversation hasn't taken place.  I expect it to take place some time next week - hopefully Monday or Tuesday.  I am not going to be persuaded otherwise to the course I am taking - there is a motivation, a catalyst, a devastating piece of information that when imparted to me I could hear the "boom" of the nail being hammered in...

Then that will be it.  I will be in the wilderness.  I entered one earlier this year, and I now understand why - to prepare me for this: lonelier, forcing me to be even more dependant on God.  You want closeness, He said, I can draw you closer.  You just have to be willing and pliant to drop every last vestige of ego and sacrifice your whole being. 

But I will learn so much.  2012 has been painful.  I'd say I'd do it again, but in fact, I don't want that.  I want to move on, not ponder on the past.  I don't regret anything that has happened, and I do not want the year to end in bitterness.  Just hope.  Hope for 2013, which will be a very interesting year.

It will be a blessed year, if I continue to do what He wills me to do.

Liberty she pirouette

I knew it would be painful.

I never thought what I suspected would be the truth.  And they also blew me sideways with a confirmation, actually, several confirmations

It's difficult to describe what emotions I'm feeling at the moment.  I'm distracting myself with various tasks on the laptop, well, games if I'm honest, though I will move on to a project that I've undertaken which has become less urgent, yet waves of....

...anger...sadness...regret...excitement...anticipation...compassion...

...pass over me with such intensity it is difficult to function, to decide whether I'm happy or sad.

I am certainly unhappy it's come to this.  I am even more unhappy that a close friendship I have formed in the last year will become more distant.  Oh, sure, the words "stay in touch" are too easy to say, and then life gets in the way of good intentions.

The decision was made easier for me.  This is pretty much God's confirmation to tell me to take that first step of faith.  With everything else going on.  I can...and will...forgive some of the key people who have brought it to this.  I suspect in a few months time I will see God's purpose in all this, where He rewards faithfulness with greater prizes, or even experiences which I can only dream of.

The upshot is - last Sunday week was the last time I led worship for the church.  I will also be leaving the church.  It may be a while before I lead worship on a Sunday again.

There are those that tell me that a calling is a calling - that if God has truly given you a ministry, He will show you the place where you are called.  I have to hold fast to the promises He has made to me already, and the ones that will come.

Lost weekend

The weekend was...

...difficult...

I managed to write down a few things, and it helped.  To see some of my woes summarised in childish scrawl is scary in a way, I now need to get some of these points across to others...nicely.

But I suffered dreadful homesickness whilst I was away.  Last time, I relaxed for a few hours, I even had constructive prayer and Bible study time.  This time round, the area I grew up in held no appeal, and I aborted a day trip after an incident, like a wounded animal I had to get back to my burrow - only my real burrow was a couple of hundred miles away, and I had to make do with a hotel room.  And cry out to Him who is able.

I will stick to my promise of going twice a year, but I can't say that's going to be easy.  I will plan better next time, do things slightly differently, I will also prepare better and give myself a get-out plan...just in case.

The church service I attended on Sunday was good - but sad at the same time.  A congregation of 200 or so, singing very modern hymns (apart from one, nothing we sung was more than 10 years old I think) - but no enthusiasm...no charisma.  It's tempting to say it was disappointing, but it wasn't it was educational in some ways.  God said to me at the start "Just observe."  I did.  When I left, I was hopeful that the young church will eventually get some vim, worshipping their Lord in spirit and in truth.  The thoughts still come back, parallels popping up in my mind with my own situation...

Although I am not leading worship for the next couple of Sundays at least, I came back to 2 worship leading requests - for one of them the hymns are already chosen, I just have to play them.  I might just sing them actually, and not bother dragging along the guitar.  The occasion might just better suit voice and organ as it happens.

The other is one of the "locum" tasks, although I have been told (by God) I can't call it that any more.  So I'm going to have to find another label.  OK, one of the local outreach services for which I happen to be leading worship.  But I somehow feel disrespectful to the person who I am filling in for.  Still, no chance of forgetting about them - I pray for them every night.  In an odd way, they seem to me like a wounded comrade and they are in a field hospital.  They barely know me, are not even aware of my prayers, yet if I can be of some comfort, I hope that prayers are enough.

And I'm meeting up with my friends tomorrow, and it could well be a pivotal moment, a period in time which you can point back to and say: I made a change there, and that's where it all began.  It will just be good to talk to two sensible Christians, who like and respect me and me them, do not have their heads buried in the sand and have sensible advice to impart rather than saying what they think God would have them say.

But I fervently hope that it is the beginning of a new chapter.

Kingsway 16th October

Title: Overcome
First Line: Seated above, enthroned in the Father's love
Artist: Ross Parsley & the Desperation Band
Composer: Jon Egan
Album: Counting on God
Mp3: Yes
Sheet Music: Yes
CCL: Yes
Popular sources: None

My thoughts: To kick off the comments for this week: an absolutely delicious name for a worship leading group, where were they when we needed a laugh?  Anyhow, this is your fairly typical "anthem" style worship, popular nowadays as it keeps congs of all shapes, sizes and ages happy - as they don't have to learn too much complicated melody.  Meow.   Yes, grudgingly, I have to say I quite enjoy anthem style when part of the cong, but I think I would find it mighty boring if I was leading it myself.  Well, maybe I should try it and find out.  Still, this had me singing along to the chorus at the end, and sounds pretty good (and this version is loud for some reason - over modulating on my lap top) so I will say, it ain't half bad.

This song is available on Kingsway from today until 22nd October inc.  To access, you must logon; or register with Kingsway, who in return will add you to their mailing list, but they are not serial spammers.

Friends

Must.  Be.  Patient.  Timing is everything, and I am so guilty of jumping in when the timing is all wrong.

Nearly there with one of the meetings though.  Intriguing that not only do I want to see them, they want to see me.

I don't know if this is some insight they've had into the situation, or maybe there is something very very important they have to say to me as well.

So.  Even more reason to be patient.  Double prayers over the weekend.

Kingsway 9th October

Title: Holy Spirit Living Breath of God
First Line: Holy Spirit living breath of God
Artist: Kristyn Getty
Composer:  Stuart Townend & Keith Getty
Album: Hymns For the Christian Life
Mp3: Yes
Sheet Music: Yes
CCL: Yes
Popular sources: SOF4

My thoughts: So it's the sainted Townend and Getty this week (cue loud heavenly choir).  I have loads of respect for the pairing, as you've probably already gathered, and the stuff they have done together, and separately, are a staple of my repetoire - if you can call it that!  You can feel a "but" coming on, can't you.  Yes, you're right.  But.  There was a series of hymns written by them, I think it was the Creed series, of which this is one, which are competent, pleasant, easy to pick up, easy to sing and....all sounding suspiciously like In Christ Alone or at least in certain passages, or have the same word structure, and are just a bit hohum.

Before you burn me at the stake for heresy, can I just repeat I love most of what they've written, I just think in some areas they've tried too hard.

I have a copy of this from Everlasting God, one of the Kingsway special compilations.  And after all the criticism above, I can say that this version, from the new Getty album, is the better.  The producers have made Kristyn sound like a heavenly angel - all ethereal and soft, and of course she has a jealousy-inducing-really-good-voice.  And yes, I do like this one to listen to.  But to me it isn't special enough to use, other than maybe during ministry times.

This song is available on Kingsway from today until 15th October inc.  To access, you must logon; or register with Kingsway, who in return will add you to their mailing list, but they are not serial spammers.

Transition - Part two

Distracted at work today, too much going on in my head.

I’m excited, but sorrowful.  Trusting, but change is painful.

I thought I’d post today as a postscript to the rather weary post of yesterday.

“You’re free of me for a few weeks.” I said during a break in worship yesterday.  Was it a lie, when I’ve already made up my mind about the future?  Or am I being careful, and waiting until I’ve spoken to the key people first?  I’ve said I’m 99.9% certain.  I need to clear that 0.1% before I state what I know in my heart I have to do.  That may seem daft to some.

Today, I sent off an email to my mentors, asking to meet up next week – I expect it to be one of the most painful conversations of my life, I have a feeling there will be tears on all sides – I need to write down everything that has led up to this moment, else my resolve might weaken in the face of sentimentality.  There are two other very important people I need to speak to about it, one will not be clear on why I have to do this, and I need to make sure there are no rumours, no misunderstandings.  The reasons for doing this are not as clear cut as they think. The other person may question my motives.  But I cannot ignore the signals.

There were a couple of catalysts last week, but there was one very important catalyst which I needed – the starting gun.

I realised this morning that I heard it a couple of days ago.  It is fortunate I’m not running an actual race with others, I would be well behind.  I heard it on Saturday.  God spoke to me through one of the ladies praying for me.  You have the anointing.  You have the gifts, given to you by Me.  Use them, and be you.  Stop calling yourself a stand in or locum for this which I have given you.

It was the call to raise my sail.

In my church, there is little in the way of “congregational participation” – you basically have to try and encourage it and it is akin to pulling teeth.  For the worship session on Saturday, I decided to play “I will worship”, Ruis’s well-known “echo” chorus.  Different congregation, nobody from my church at all.  I decided if they wanted to participate, they would.  More chance there than my own church.

I sang the first line.  The echo was slightly croaky, and maybe slightly off key.  But it was there.  And to my ears, it was like the angels echoing back.  I was overjoyed.

That, and other things that have occurred since July have brought me to a final decision.

It is something I can no longer ignore.  I am taking a step of faith. 

Transition

Worship this morning:

To God be the Glory
Dear Lord and Father of Mankind

One half of communion, then

When I Survey

The message, or most of it, then

Be Thou My Vision

The rest of the message, the other half of communion, then

Jesus, All for Jesus

An interesting mix of very old, and one somewhat more modern - that Atkinson/Mark one just seemed absolutely perfect.

I had my reservations about today.  Something happened in the lead up to it which got me a bit riled; it was all sorted by Friday night, but I didn't actually know until this morning what I would be playing and how it would shape up.

I had some tears during Be Thou My Vision, I don't know if they were tears of joy, fear or even guilt.  There are some changes ahead, I need to reposition.

This will be my last Sunday "worship" post for a while.

Kingsway 2nd October

Title: God my Rock
First Line: When my heart is overwhelmed
Artist: Brenton Brown
Composer: Brenton Brown, Paul Baloche
Album: God my Rock
Mp3: Yes
Sheet Music: Yes
CCL: Too new
Popular sources: Too new...I think I can pretty much guarantee it will be in the next Kingsway publication though

My thoughts: To me, choruses and hymns fall into 4 broad categories; Praise, Worship, Praise Bridge (these include traditional hymns, they set the mood for the next half of the worship session) and Worship Bridge (set the mood for Worship and can be used to drift into the quiet time of the session).  The most valuable choruses and hymns are those that are, or can be adapted to be, 2 or more of the categories.  Brown and Baloche are an irresistable pairing, they haven't disappointed me yet, and this one not only is a very good Christian song, it is also both Praise Bridge and Worship Bridge, meaning it could go far - especially with me.   You can keep it at one speed, or break it right down at the end, wow I can just imagine it.   Itching to transcribe it already.  I've even added the God my Rock album to my Kingsway wishlist.

Great to get excited about something for a change, and there is definitely something about this one.  And a nice surprise - I thought it was going to be something from Bethel, but I didn't notice that Brown had a new one out also.  Maybe next week?  Or something from the Getty stable?

This song is available on Kingsway from today until 8th October inc.  To access, you must logon; or register with Kingsway, who in return will add you to their mailing list, but they are not serial spammers.

Beauty

Yesterday, someone prayed for me that, like a butterfly, I would carry God's beauty wherever I went.

Sounds a bit fluffy for me, I thought.

Worship this morning:

Jesus, We Celebrate Your Victory
Crown Him with many Crowns
I Will Offer up my Life (Thankful Heart)
Jesus Shall Take the Highest Honour  - the "chorus" only, drifting to...
Isn't He Beautiful - drifting back to the chorus of the former, and I added the cherry of..
I Sing Praises to Your Name

During prayer, it came out that I had blessed someone that morning - the guy who had come to open up!  My "warm-up" this morning was Rugged Cross (I tend to pick something at random, usually not something that's part of the main worship) - I was told that he had been touched by it and a seed had been planted and during the message I remembered..

..oh yes...the butterfly....

Some clarity has come at long last.  I need to finish the transition, and that's a butterfly analogy in itself.  I may have been seeing into another season - and I need to be ready for it first.

Somebody mentioned how tired I looked this morning, but encouraged me in the worship saying it was better than if I had been fresh - God's like that.  He gives you the energy even when you're ready to go back to bed.

A day in the life

Yesterday is a day for storing up in my heart.  It was very very special.  I always knew it was going to be - I just didn't totally appreciate my part in it.

It was an event I know that I will be asked to do again, gosh I loved the experience but mate am I tired today.  I was asked to lead worship before each of the three sessions, and do one or two choruses after each of the sessions, so 6 in total. 

I didn't do all I wanted to do, and one or two of the "rank outsiders" got an outing.  I was sorry that there didn't seem to be a place for Fellingham's "There is a day", but I did do "Bless the Lord O My Soul (10,000 reasons)" (I should point out, on the cards even before it turned up on Kingsway this week) - this for the first time for me (and without the thump-thump-thump, promise you it does work without), and also a beautiful worship chorus called "Ruach" - not so well known, but was appreciated.

The cong were so encouraging, loving everything even when it seemed that some choruses weren't as well known as I thought.

I need to get hold of the CD recordings of the speaker because it really wasn't sinking in properly - there were one or two things I picked up on, and I was prayed for after I finished my duties, but it would be good to listen to it all again and let the gospel sink in...and reminisce on the annointing...

Something special has happened, with me, over the last couple months, ever since stuff started going a bit pear shaped in early July.  Yesterday, I finally understood how much I had matured, and how important my calling is.

I cried out for some clarity as to my direction yesterday, I didn't seem to get an answer.  Maybe I'm just not ready for it.  Maybe I need a Word spoken over me that is the starting gun...

I'm going to bask a little, pray a little, get ready for tonight and tomorrow for an event that, for once, I'm not involved in ministry in any way, I can just enjoy the fellowship and food - physical and spiritual top up.

Preparation

A pretty important shindig tomorrow at which I will be leading worship alone - probably 3 short sessions throughout the day.

It's difficult to sort out how I feel about it - I've been looking forward to it for months, but I now seem to be suffering a mixture of stress, nerves, uncertainty and excitement.  Someone should make up a word for such a mix.

I was getting close to panic at the weekend when I realised that 8 or 9 of the songs chosen I had never led before, and 5 or 6 of those I only knew a little.  They have been born out of a couple of months of activity with Musescore and the like, searching for new stuff and recollecting old.  Then, the other day, after a deep breath and a prayer or two, I removed 3 or 4 of them, added 3 or 4 I know standing on my head (but I won't try that tomorrow - maybe next year) and He came up with an awesome mix that almost had me slain in the bedroom where I was practicing.  How does He do that?

2 of them at least I am new to leading, as I am on my own, this doesn't matter, I can let the cong help me a little.  But they will be introduced into Sunday worship soon.  Then there's one we did last Sunday which I have an inkling the speaker will want repeated.  And another which I think has so much anointing it sizzles.  This is the "excitement" part.  If I say to the boss I'm nervous - he'll say "Good." - no help there!  He believes that nerves help you give way to the true Boss of the day and I think he's right there.

Uncertainty?  Well, this is an old enemy which I can't seem to shake, and I know I'll be back blogging here on Friday, Saturday or Sunday (busy weekend) saying that He had it under control.  I don't need to worry about how I "perform".  It isn't a performance.  It's a duty.  The uncertainty will go when I strike the first chord (an F as it happens, 3rd fret CAPO D...)

Stress?  A wise man once said that life is fragile, handle with prayer.  That doesn't mean I'm going to sleep tonight though.

I'm sad that a certain couple of friends can't be there, but happy that the sun is shining brightly after a couple of months of clouds.  Which I really can't say for North Wales at the moment, I think we'll be dragging out the liferafts.  At least the flooding is under control around my area, though I saw some shocking pictures last night.

I'm pretty much set.  One practice session then I'm ready.  Then pick the Sunday choruses.  Then maybe the following Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

Then nothing for about 3 weeks (maybe one, but low stress level), that is going to be ODD.  I hope I don't waste this time of R&R and get a few things sorted, not only in my life, but also in my heart.

Kingsway 25th September

Title: Bless the Lord O My Soul (10,000 reasons)
First Line: Bless the Lord O my soul
Artist: Newday Live 2011
Composer: Matt Redman, Jonas Myrin
Album: 10,000 Reasons
Mp3: Yes
Sheet Music: Yes
CCL: Yes
Popular sources: SOF5

My thoughts: Every so often an artist will release something that has such a huge "WOW" factor, you almost feel you should say to them - "Stop there for a bit.  Ponder on what you've produced and come back in a year or so once you know it's really sunk in." - They often don't quit, and I sometimes wonder if it's to their detriment.  After producing something spectacular, their output is often mediocre at best.  Matt really has been up and down over the years, after releasing stuff that appealed to 90's yoof and older, and much of this has become standard Sunday fare in most charismatic churches, he went through a stage where a lot of his output was "hohum", then...this...  Although I don't think this has the kerpow that "Father's Song" had, this is a return to the anointing we all know Matt has.  I'm still unsure about that boom-boom-boom at the end of the third line in each verse (I think a drifting pause is best, Pink Floyd had one thing right at least - you don't necessarily have to have something occurring in a measure of music, silence is fine), and maybe the last verse does not have the same impact as the last verse of "Jesus! the name high over all" as is probably intended.  Don't know what it is, but I might feel a little awkward leading this particular verse - maybe it's the average age of my cong! This song also has sentimental value for me - it was introduced into a N Wales group by a fellow foot soldier and I so hope that she comes back into action soon...

Kingsway have offered this before - a few months ago, but it was sheet music only.  This time an mp3 has come with it - a fab Newday Live 2011 version and you can hear a wonderful peace descend upon the gathering whilst they are singing it.  It really is a good version, so pick it up whilst you have the chance.

This song is available on Kingsway from today until 2nd October inc.  To access, you must logon; or register with Kingsway, who in return will add you to their mailing list, but they are not serial spammers.

Shift

Something has definitely shifted.

What has shifted my attitude?  Could it have been prayer?  Kind words?  Or maybe certain people are reacting differently after the summer, handling things in a more sensitive way?

I'm still looking for an open door.  And yet....

And I did contact the missing, a short email that asked them for nothing and I will leave it at that.

After my panic of yesterday afternoon of lacking confidence for next Thursday, the Spirit was still upon me sorting through my chord sheet folder and I am down to just 4 to practice.  I do need to pick Sunday's...but 2 of these are already provisionally chosen. 

It just seemed to come together yesterday afternoon, even if the rest of my life didn't.

It makes you feel someOne is fully in charge.  Praise God.

UPDATE: And I got a response.  A good response.  This makes me feel even more confident.

Clouds

Worship this morning:

The King of Love
Open the Eyes of my Heart
There is a Higher Throne
Light of the World
Thank You for Saving Me

The theme of the message was the power of the cross, it seemed a little obvious, but during ministry I felt I just had to play

Oh to see the Dawn

 And just...well....'cos...

Your Name, Higher than I Know

I rarely need an excuse to play that one.

One thing that struck me in the message was a mention of clouds, or at least a cloud, and I thought, yes, I can relate to that, where I feel fine, generally speaking, but I'm dogged by this feeling that things could be better.   So many things I could have done, but clouds got in my way....This, despite some wonderfully encouraging words from a speaker I will see again next Thursday, and I will again be leading worship.  I'm in for an incredibly busy week.  I am actually looking forward to an event at the weekend, and, for once, I will not be involved in any of it, I will blissfully be part of the cong!

Someone missing today as well,  I won't see them for over a month probably...this saddened me somewhat and got me wondering just what is going on in their heart.  I have already decided to distance myself from the situation, as much as it hurts.   I don't even know whether to get in contact with them.

And sad news from the one who is now alone in the world, despite the army of friends, they are just a crowd of faces to them...

Although I rarely practice Sunday afternoons, I will do today - I want to be at my best next Thursday, and keep a right frame of mind.

Detached

Now there's a word.

That word was said to me a few weeks ago by a new friend, who said they felt "detatched".

I know what they're on about, I can totally relate.

Everyone needs a bosom to run to.  I feel a bit let down of late.  No, not by God, absolutely not.  Not by my SOH either who I know will be perfect in a crisis if this escalates.  No, I feel let down by other mere mortals.  I stretch out a hand, and it feels like it's ignored.

I was looking through my modern Anglican hymnbook - some might call the publication "eccentric", others "a bit PC focussed" - f'r'instance, it has "Onward Christian Pilgrims" rather than Soldiers.   Hmm.  Anyway, there were two hymns my eyes alighted upon "Good King Wenceslas" and a new one on me "Going Home" (which has now become a strong contender for my funeral hymn; every Christian seems to have one).  One invites you to tread in Christ's footsteps, the other reminds you that "Christ has gone before"

Christ has gone before.  What a fabulous reminder for those about to enter unknown territory.  Like I might be.

In other news, I might actually be....sssshhh...nervous  Still, Sunday morning will come and go, as will next Thursday.  All I can do right now is pray.

Kingsway 18th September

Title: Over All
First Line: Higher than all the heavens
Artist: Tom Read
Composer: Tom Read, Nick Herbert
Album: Compass
Mp3: Yes
Sheet Music: Yes
CCL: Too new
Popular sources: Too new

My thoughts: So a new one on me for a change, and a songwriter I hadn't heard of before now - to my shame I suspect if he's the Worship Central leader in Asia.  I "read" the music first and then the Kingsway site went off sick for a bit (it's still a little peaky now) but I thought OK, lively one and looks a good future candidate for those times you want to get your cong a bit undignified.  Just listened to it now I can access Kingsway and - hmm.  He's got a good voice, and it is a good song, but I was finding the chorus just a little irritating.  Maybe it's the format of the song which is very "80-fied" - don't get me wrong, love 80s music, but this actually sounds like one of those post 86 tracks when the best artists were running out of ideas and the new guys sounded plain awful.  Tom I suspect has done a fair bit of this before, although this is his first UK release.  I should try and get to hear snippets of the rest of the album before starting to judge really harshly - Kingsway are - quote - "more than a little excited" about the release of Compass, but I'm having difficulty.  Perhaps I'm just a rebel.

This song is available on Kingsway from today until 24th September inc.  To access, you must logon; or register with Kingsway, who in return will add you to their mailing list, but they are not serial spammers.

Hope, Promises, Love

Worship this morning:

Tell Out my Soul
From the Breaking of the Dawn
Above All Powers
At the Cross
I Worship You, Almighty God

I will maintain and even improve upon all mortal relationships, for if a relationship moves into a different chapter, I want it to continue, even if it's from afar.  What good is it to sour, you may need it later - and you could end up trying to use something very skanky indeed!

When I think that the next time the group could be properly together again, the clocks would have gone back and autumn will be moving into winter, it sorta saddens me, and my heart pangs as I really don't know what's going to happen "beyond", once plans laid are put into action.  Yes, I have three more Sundays, a special day and possibly another Saturday as a "locum" (though several of us are praying that the permanent WL comes back, soon, for their spiritual health) - yet it feels like a gradual descent into a feather bed of rest, and yet in this bed I will have to also seek.

I feel so so tired, I'm not even halfway yet.  I am happy - sort of - but I am a little fearful that my strength could give out, that I have taken on much too much against God's will.

I think I'll take it gradually at work tomorrow, I'm actually looking forward to it as I'll be seeing parts of a process as yet unseen.

I pray for my own spiritual clouded glass to clear soon.  It is.  Slowly.  Maybe I'm afraid of what it might show.

Courts of the King

Today was a Good Day.

It was a God Day.

It started with words of encouragement and really good worship in this sorta locum WL activity I've found myself in.  Someone pointed out (and liked the fact) that it was made up of old choruses.  But, my gosh, when 3 of them have them singing in tongues and you feel like an ocean wave you just know the Spirit is moving.

At the beginning of the proceedings someone reminded me that if it is just one on one, i.e. just me worshipping God - sobeit.  Don't worry if not one person is joining in.  Worship God.  It wasn't until the 3rd verse of the second chorus that I started to settle, and worship.

Oh wow, it felt good today.  It's the way worship should be - that I feel topped up, invigorated - and utterly exhausted.  But to feel spiritually improved and tired is a good thing, believe me.  I feel that I've given God 110%.

My spirit fervently prays that the person I'm "locum"ing for comes back soon.  In fact, it would be best for them to be there as soon as possible - for their own spiritual health.

I am so going to enjoy this whilst it lasts though.  Thank You.  This has all come at exactly the right time.

Careful

Careful...to be full of care, i.e. anxious, worried - looking at the original Greek the word in Php 4:6 is used to state any kind of worry elsewhere in the New Testament, but...

Careful also means cautiousness, or even over-cautiousness, the original word not being too far removed from its common usage today...

soooo....the sentence can also be translated including the words "Be bold"

Be strong.  For the Lord thy God is with thee.

Clarity

Today, a few things occurred which are probably confirming I'm on the right track and I'm about to do the Right Thing.

One of the things that happened was that some scripture that has been ping-ponging back and forth between me and others came back from another source today - and this time I really read it.  Php 4, be careful for nothing etc.

Prayer
Supplication
Thanksgiving
Make known your thoughts
Guard your ways and thoughts...

It has struck me lately that we really don't pray right.  We're just selfish in our prayers, and we use this piece of scripture to "prove" we can get anything we want.  Not so.

Supplication and Thanksgiving.  Do we know what that means?  Do we even do this in prayer?  I'm going to have to think on this.

What is troubling me the most is, once I see the open door I will have to have two very painful conversations.  I am considering softening the blow with a few well worded offers.  But this won't make it any easier for them - or me.  When the time comes I will have to remember this scripture, and probably live it.

Kingsway 11th September

Title: Rescuer
First Line: You're mighty and strong to save
Artist: Chris McClarney
Composer: Johnny and Cathy Parks, Nick Herbert
Album: Glimpses of Worship
Mp3: Yes
Sheet Music: Yes
CCL: Yes
Popular sources: Songs of Fellowship 5

My thoughts: The jury is still out with me on this one; I've had a copy of this for a while, but I'm not sure from where - albeit I think I have an original version rather than the live version that this is.   It isn't one I want to try out in a hurry anyway, but it sounds like a good one for special worship times that aren't Sunday mornings.  Maybe it will grow on me.

This song is available on Kingsway from today until 17th September inc.  To access, you must logon; or register with Kingsway, who in return will add you to their mailing list, but they are not serial spammers.

First Love

I feel so much better after that weekend.

From Friday night through to Sunday evening I felt blessed, I'm seeing a way out, rather than feeling trapped.  Something has brought me down to earth a little though...

I was reading my blog posts from September 2011 and I made myself somewhat thoughtful.

Such enthusiasm.  Such naivety.  Such...innocence of the future and just so excited to learn.  Sigh, I sometimes wish I could get that back.  But I can, if I just take my own advice from those posts.  You know, it's all very well to say "I'm older and wiser" (not much older though!) but there is also the saying "Out of mouths of babes..."

Chorusstorming - This is now second nature.  I don't do anything but chorusstorm for Sundays and special days.  I no longer seek a theme from those who are speaking; I give it over to the Boss to worry about that.

Sacrificing Fridays - I do miss doing them habitually, but I still do one every couple of months or so.  But I realised from these posts I don't practice with the same intensity as I did before, and I'm not introducing newbs as frequently as I did (OK, we were a new group, I'm expecting "downward" exponential change - but the newbs have reduced to practically zero and I tend to only risk them for myself alone)

Merging and Drifting - The one thing I would absolutely love to be second nature, along with Harp and Bow and other techniques

Fighting over the choruses - Now, I'm not saying I want this every week - life's stressful enough.  But it is good to have a fight over them once in a while, a good wrestle.  I hope I've quit wrestling with God over these, and it is fun trying to make them all fit like a demented jigsaw puzzle

I carried on browsing for a bit, but ended up more thoughtful as I got into the "new guitar" posts...nearly a year since I bought that Freshman.  (There was some odd twanging noises coming from it yesterday, I think it needs a change of strings - something like the 3rd or 4th change since I got it!)

Although, yes, I'm more experienced, and yes, I can't live it over again and, thank God, make the same mistakes again, I could approach it with a more innocent nature...

...what are we going to play today, Boss?

Revelation

Someone read out that passage in 1 Corinth this morning - behold I show you a mystery etc.  It's odd (or maybe not) that the choruses I'm preparing lately have been on Revelations theme.  No, I'm not going to make anything of this, prophetically, but it is good to be reminded of this, where we will ultimately be, and united, despite having brethren missing from the mortal plane...

Worship this morning:

Men of Faith (which the leader loved this morning, awoke something in his spirit)
All I Once Held Dear
Be Thou my Vision
Into Your Hands
Jesus Be the Centre

Almost got carried away with this - it's almost heartbreaking for me to detach myself from it sometimes but I have to - else I'd be a little puddle on the floor.  The words are so appropriate to my circumstances at the moment.

It was good to feel fed this morning.  As I was yesterday.  But I have, potentially, 11 worship sessions this month and into the first week of October, 6 of which will likely be on my own.  2 down, 9 to go.  Informed Bossman this morning that I am, effectively, taking October off due to practical, logistical and personal reasons (i.e. I'll probably be at dropping point) but there are plans in October that I haven't told him about....

...I had an email the other day, and you know when you think you know someone really well, and you sense they are not telling you something because they're not sure themselves, but in your spirit you maybe have insight into what decision they're about to make...I may be totally off the mark anyway.  We'll see.

Changes

I can count on two hands the people I can say, truthfully, I've clashed with in life.  I can likely remember every one of their full names.

I take people as they are.  Yes, I may draw wrong conclusions about them, doesn't everybody, at some point?  Irrational and illogical behaviour may irritate me, but eventually I shrug and come to the conclusion life is too short to make a big deal out of it.  I say, after putting the furniture back together that I've thrown around the room...

But - equally - I can count on two hands (but only just - start counting on the second hand that is) the number of people I have actually clicked with.  My ally in the church, for instance; someone commented that they are like a sibling to me.  Separated at birth?  I muse...well, in fact all children in Christ were, if you think about it, we were there at creation, doomed to be parted until He hung on a tree for us to bring hope that we will be eternally united.  But, yes, that person is special because we think in the same way, and have similar churchy-type upbringing.

It's a blessing to find someone else to connect with, and I had a long conversation with them last night.  We talked about this and that, the person recently widowed and what it's done to them, meetings, conferences, and...

...changes.  They're changing church because they know God has told them to.  Is this another signpost for me?  And which way?  They had wise words for me, but I was unwilling to go into the full story - no-one, not my SOH, not my allies, know the full story and I'm not ready to pour it all out.  Not even here.  Especially not here.  I state nothing here that I wouldn't repeat to those I meet.  God knows it all though.  I've stated my woes verbally and my spirit has groaned with it for months now.

I really hope there is an answer.  And soon.

Development

And finally, after over a year of this, I was sort of "forced" into the position of buying a portable amplifier.

God knows exactly how to handle me - generally speaking He corners me so I have to do something other than procrastinate.  Well, I am in that situation, although I knew one day I'd buy one, I didn't think I would need one quite as urgently.  Ordered at 4pm yesterday, received a little over 24 hours later. (For those of you over 30 - doesn't that still blow your mind how quickly dreams can arrive on your doorstep?  I guess I could have got it still quicker than that.)

It has mic as well as instrument input so will come in very handy.  Good price too.

With everything else going on - I know I am still being prepared for something.  Currently, I'm on a sort of starting block.  I'm waiting for the gun to fire.  Trouble is, it's in God's own time, not mine.  Guess He's teaching me patience, along with everything else.

Kingsway 4th September

Title: Psalm 62
First Line: My soul finds rest in God alone
Artist: Aaron Keyes
Composer: Stuart Townend, Aaron Keyes
Album: Not Guilty Anymore
Mp3: Yes
Sheet Music: Yes
CCL: Yes
Popular sources: Songs of Fellowship 4, Source 4

My thoughts:  Ah St. Stuart of Townend - who doesn't love this guy for what he's done for church music - a way of putting scripture so effortlessly into song, and also, if you've grown up CofE (like me) making it sound like you've known it since you were a kid.  Only you can't have done because it's only a few years old.   I've had a copy of this for a while, but I like seeing hymns like this on Kingsway once in a while.  If you don't have a copy of this, here's your chance.  Aaron is another singer/songwriter with a big future, still a whippersnapper on his 3rd album (I think).  Worth a look is his profile on Kingsway also.

This song is available on Kingsway from today until 10th September inc.  To access, you must logon; or register with Kingsway, who in return will add you to their mailing list, but they are not serial spammers.

Rest

I didn't go to church today, I stayed at home, a couple of chores, breakfast and fellowship with my SOH.

September will be a very busy month.  I will be doing at least 7 WL sessions, maybe as many as 9; Friday nights, a Thursday day time, Saturdays and Sundays.  I think there's one week when it's all four in a row... It takes my mind off other things and stops the brooding.  I keep myself busy researching "new" songs in my SOFs and Source.

I needed the company of other Christians Friday night, just hours after the announcement.  Needless to say there were prayers and talk about how miracles still happen and how this should be a celebration and...

...hang on.

Someone started praying for the spouse and I could almost predict, word for word, what they were going to pray.  I was almost shaking my head...hackneyed phrases, quoting scripture, saying what you think God needs you to say, trying to behave in the way that the Bible tells you to when someone dies - cry? - you gotta be kidding...

...Jesus wept...He needed to feel that grief, else how could anyone who was ever bereaved ever connect?

We are human, not robots.  I get annoyed with ex-church goers who say "I used to go, but I can't believe in a God who took my...(insert relative/friend here)".  I get just as annoyed with people who say things like "well s/he's gone to a better place and we should be celebrating.."

...it doesn't help those left behind.  In fact, the word tells us to mourn with those who mourn.  The full works.  Sackcloth and ashes and copious tears if necessary.

You may be thinking, hang on Fi, you're totally contradicting what you said the other day, death isn't an ending yahdeyahdeyahda.  No, it isn't, not for the person who dies.  It can feel that way for the people close to them and the years of waiting until they can rejoin them...

Let's be real.  Mary, in her anguish, said "Lord if You'd have been here, my brother wouldn't have died."  She wasn't saying that he'd gone to a better place and talking of peace that passeth all understanding - she was doing the equivalent of screaming at God - "WHY?" and "How can I cope without them?"

The Bible also tells us to help widows in their affliction.  I hope that I pray the right things, and if I see them soon, say the right stuff, and above all....be real.

Victory

I think it is "Christus Victor" on my mp3 player (another Kingsway freebie) which ends with a short sermon of sorts from the singer.

He talks about football team "victories", countries taking over other countries "victories" but he says that these are all temporary, it all changes, beit in a year, or a hundred years, someone else gets their time and so on and so forth.

Only one victory is permanent.  Selah.

It's difficult to express my attitude towards a certain situation at the moment without sounding like I'm "giving in", but I think some people need to let go.

If I was directly affected by it, I would feel differently, sure, but at the same time I think I would need to stop and ask some important questions:

Who is the Master of life and death anyway?  Who has control of this person's life?  Who has already won the victory?

The answer to all of them is the Answer to the problem.  Trouble is, too many people have decided they know what's best and are, effectively, in my mind, telling God what to do, when they should just...let...go and give it to Him.  Yes, it's painful.  Yes, the result may not be what you are praying for.  But who is Master of your life?  Who is Master of their's?

My friend, who had a brush with death, the other week said "What I care about is that God's will is done." I believed them.  But with their mouths other people are saying "Thy will be done" (...but as long as it's mine too)

For someone in Christ, death is not an ending.  It can seem like an ending to those left behind and I can hardly begin to empathise.  But something in my nature is seeing the practical side of all this, that one day, I will see all of my friends again, and I may actually end up kind of jealous if they go before me.

The fear of years and years of loneliness is something I have lived with - but this fear is starting to dissipate.  Incredibly, all this stuff going on in and around the churches, mine and others I've heard of, those critically ill, or had a brush with death, or lost a spouse due to critical illness...has improved my prayer life 100 fold and...given me hope that I can cope for a time that has a high chance of occuring.  And this, in itself, was an answer to prayer...

Late edit approx 16:45:  It's over.  Another spirit gone to be with the Lord Jesus, and another lonely heart on earth.  It's a circle we may never understand and will only be ended once the final victory is won.

Balanced

Yesterday, I got some news that made we weep with joy.  What was incredible (or maybe not) was that it was pretty much what I had prayed for - when everyone else seemed to be giving it up for medical treatment, I had prayed there would be no trace and no need for a possible painful and lengthy process.

Through faith - this person is now able to carry on, as normal, with a scar, but this scar is a victory mark - proof of coming through great tribulation.

I would that another quarter had similarly happy news.  Instead, it just seems to be getting worse and worse.  It is really difficult to know what to pray for.

I'm not leading Sunday.  I'm using my prep time looking at and listening to songs I feel He has led me to, for future use.  Strangely - they all seem to be on the same theme, so I guess He's trying to tell me something...

Kingsway 28th August

Has it been a week already....?

Title: Guardian
First Line: King of Love and Grace
Artist: Ben Cantelon
Composer: Ben Cantelon, Nick Herbert, Stuart Garrard
Album: Everything in Color
Mp3: Yes
Sheet Music: Yes
CCL: Cannot confirm, website playing up, and I gave up!!
Popular sources: None

My thoughts:  

You go before me
You’re there beside me
And if I wander
Love will find me
Goodness and mercy
Will always follow
You go before me
My Guardian  

Says it all really.  Stu's contribution to all this isn't obvious, but maybe I haven't listened to enough of him, only the quite powerful and quick yah-ta-ta, yah-ta-ta 6/8 rhythm of stuff like Men of Faith and Sing to the Lord.  This is heartfelt, moderately powerful stuff, good for ministry perhaps, but I can't see it becoming cong fare - although I could be proved very very wrong.  I usually am.  It states its case quickly and simply without overkill repetitive choruses (see the 14th) - so it's pretty good in my book.   I am puzzled with the americanised spelling of "color" though - OK, he's Canadian, but he lives in the UK pretty permanently now?  A minor niggle - the guy is very talented.

This song is available on Kingsway from today until 3rd September inc.  To access, you must logon; or register with Kingsway, who in return will add you to their mailing list, but they are not serial spammers.