Focus

Today should be a day of reflection, but I haven't really done any of that today.  I have actually reflected on the last year for some weeks, I am not the person I was 12 months ago.

No, instead, I've been doing lots of normal stuff, and daft stuff, trying to take my mind off a thorn in the flesh.  One that I've had for 7-8 weeks now, and yes, I've asked Him to take it away.  Several times.  And I will keep asking.  It's something that should go away on its own - eventually - but I wonder how much longer I have to endure this.  I wonder if I'll be ready for anything that's chucked at me when it is all over.  And I like to hope there will be a mighty testimony at the end of it.

Also, as is probably pretty normal, I'm looking to the future.  I believe God has asked something of me - and I'm unsure if I can do it.  In fact, it was pretty distressing.  When it is something that can affect a few people, you should really get confirmation, so I said, OK, if someone confirms it to me, I will do it....or if I feel brave enough I'll do it anyway.  Something tells me that God will force my hand if I don't.  If it is Him that's asking.

The old me would probably be climbing the walls at this point.  I'm just trying to trust.

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart
Be all else but naught to me, save that Thou art
Be Thou my best thought by the day or the night
Both waking and sleeping, Thy presence my light

Happy New Year, wherever you are.

Troubled

Rather than the tempest of recent months, my little tea cup has a minor storm, maybe 3 or 4 rising slowly.

There are lots of things bothering me, niggles of mostly my own making, irritations in little details of my life.

I know what you're thinking; these niggles, irritations, gnats underneath the mosquito net that is life, is what being human is all about.

I don't want to be bothered, niggled or irritated.  It ruins communication.  Particularly Communication.  Perhaps the only way I can Communicate at the moment is through my guitar.

It doesn't help that I'm still in Ezekiel - it's a bit like running barefoot through a field that has been liberally strewn with barbed wire.  I usually get some peace with Make Love, Make War, still reading it, even though you can easily get through a chapter in 20 mins-half an hour.  My gosh, its making me think.  And then whilst reading it, I got niggled by something stated, because I knew it had to apply somewhere in my life, but I couldn't quite put my finger on what.  So I decided to close my eyes and meditate on this.  But my brain tends to like different channels of thought.  Suddenly, a new Bible study, in fact several, were popping into my head, which I just have to shelve or "file" in the rather wobbly filing cabinet of my brain.  (It's fine.  If I get round to them in my lifetime, great.  If not, I have an eternity to understand God)

But even sitting here typing this, I know how to calm the storm.  He's had me in the palm of His hand since my birth, before that even.  All He wants to do is direct my paths, if I just let Him. Be still and know that I am God.  Everything that I have allowed Him into since February of last year (and believe me, it's just about everything) has been turned into abundant blessing, or to the good of my growth, knowing that I have become just that little bit more mature.

Be still.

Memories of an Anglican childhood

My parents weren't practising Christians, but I was educated in an Anglican "Holy Trinity" school.  Plenty of memories invoked by the hymns that we had practiced on Thursday night.  Just me and the flautist; I had picked 7 hymns, 1 very modern, another less than 50 years old, the rest ancient words of Christmasses past, and I tried to savour the words when I could.  Out of the 7, only 1 did not get a turn (Angels from the Realms of Glory), the rest were played either before the service started or after the intros:

Joy Has Dawned
See Him lying on a Bed of Straw (Calypso Carol)
Hark! the herald-angels Sing
O come, All ye faithful
As with Gladness
O Little Town of Bethlehem (the St Louis version, popular with the US, rather than our traditional Forest Green)

It was relaxed, and there was a surprising number of people in our small "chapel" section of the main hall.  I was going to be leading worship next Friday, but the church has decided to take a week off from this, so I'm going to enjoy the brief break.

First Christmas leading then.  I am really looking forward to leading at Easter.  Last Easter was the first time I was part of a worship team, next Easter is likely to be the first time leading, if God wills it.

May all of you out there always remember that, ultimately, it was why He was sent into the world, rather than how, that is the true gift that God wants us to remember, not just at Christmas, but all year round.

Have a blessed Christmas.

An excellent reminder

An earlier post had me saying that some WL's are stating the worryingly obvious.  I have found an absolutely brilliant post that nearly reduced me to tears:

alanscottsposterous

We've all been guilty of some or all of the issues he raises, at some point, and they are not blindingly obvious or stuff we should learn early on.  A reminder, from a leader, of just what we should be.

Bored?

Do NOT, under any circumstances tell God you're bored, unless, of course, you actually want something to do.

If you are happy in your idleness, that's absolutely fine, rejoice in it.

Ask God "What next?" be sure that He will give you something to do.

He has.

He's awesome.

Coiled spring

I felt weird last night.  It was like I had been stressed for so long, with so many worries that have completely dissapated, that I felt somewhat....lost...the coiled spring has relaxed making me think...what now?

I read a little Ezekiel, and then a little of "Make Love, Make War" by Brian Doerksen, the latter of which I am taking my time reading; I inhale books usually, I can easily get through 2-3 75,000 word books a week, but Doerksen's book is such an inspiration and he discusses so many points that I have to sit, think and meditate on them for a while.  No book, other than the Bible, has really done this for me before.  I don't know many of the songs he discusses, but it doesn't matter, this guy is on my wavelength when it comes to "pure" worship straight out of 2 Chron 20.

Despite my strange state, something special was happening last night.  I had been playing with Musescore earlier and I was playing around with a simple melody.  In bed last night, a chorus was added to it.  I wonder now whether it is another chorus I've heard, or truly a new song to the Lord.  I even have some words to it.  Is God calling me to write a song, when ones I've written in the past have been tuneless, with cliched words?  Then again, the Spirit wasn't living in me then.  Well, we'll see.  It might just be self edification, but at least it is a project that I can ponder on whilst everything else in my life is quiet.

Twas the week before Christmas

And not a carol was stirring...

Worship this morning:

Come On and Celebrate
Who Paints the Skies?
All Heaven Declares
I Sing Praises to Your Name
Isn't He Beautiful?

Missed practice a lot this week, so much so that I had an inspiration that the group should all get together on Thursday, play some carols, eat some mince pies and decide who's going to lead the worship on Sunday.  So that's what we're going to do.

Wow.  Christmas.  This time last year I was counting down the days to the end of my (then) job and vaguely worrying about what was coming next.  So much has happened in 2011, a second chance, a new life, a new vocation, a new job.  Thank You God, for getting me through this.

Overwhelmed

I'm just sitting here thinking to myself, how bizarre it will be to read, say, a year from now, the stuff I've written over the last few days, when I recall all that is happened in the last week, the unbelievable highs and lows; setbacks that have brought me down, and my Father lifting me up again.

Would I do all this again?  I'd do it twice.

Back to business.  No practice this week, which has added to the odd feel of the week.  I only have a vague idea of who is willing to play on Sunday, the music is not Christmassy at all (although it still fits for Advent) and we've yet to have a discussion about the 25th.

You know what?  I'm not going to worry about it.  I feel like I've just come off a fairground ride (or it has, at least, slowed down) and I'm still too dizzy to think about it.  Time is short, but, hey, I don't really care.  God's in charge.

Rollercoaster

Thank you God.

Praise You, Lord, for Your mercies endure forever.

Whatever comes my way, whether they be fiery darts or flaming boulders, You, and only You can shield me from harm.

Thank You for finding me again.  Thank You for starting again with me and shaping me with Your Potter's Hand into the person You want me to be.  Thank You for your abundant gifts and blessings upon me, for bestowing them although I am unworthy of them, for what can I give in return but my heart, praise from my lips, spirit and soul, praise that is to You only, Heavenly Father, for great Thou Art, Thou art worthy.

Through everything, whether it be tears or joy, work or play, I will praise You, O Lord, my shield, my buckler, in Thee I trust alone.

Thank You for friends, for fellowship, for your abundant mercies on Your children, for the protection and comfort You give all those that belong to You.  You have called me Yours.  You have claimed me as Yours alone.  You have snatched me from the brink of hell.

Praise You, O Holy, Holy, Holy art Thou, O God.  My God, I will praise You forever.

Work in progress

Yes, I did it.  I got baptised last night.  I was told it is the most wonderful experience of your life, and I think they're probably right.

It was slightly odd, but OK nonetheless, to be part of the congregation rather than the worship team.  My initial reaction to the group was, we compare quite well to them, they were good (I maintain we have a better flautist - don't tell either of them that for goodness sake) but they made me feel proud of our own 5 or 6.  We would not shame ourselves, for instance, if we ever merged with them to play together.

I have a lot of words given me, and a lot of scripture. I am still too emotional to read it all or even discuss it properly without crying.  I have some keepsakes, cards and photos, with more to come.  But the most precious memories will remain in my heart.  Forever.

Php 1:6  Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ

New life

Worship this morning:

Holy, Holy God Almighty
In Christ Alone
Beautiful Lord, Wonderful Saviour
Here I am Waiting

Wonderful this morning, just wonderful, when I needed it, as I had a bad start to the day.

I can't express how I'm feeling at the moment, some anticipation, some nerves, some prayer, some joy, thankfulness surely that the diseases going round at the moment haven't hit me.  (Well, I was prayed for last week that nothing would harm me, so there's another testimony)

I could witness here to how the Spirit moved amongst the congregation this morning, in all sorts of ways.  I am thankful that my own prayers said, quietly, in my heart, were answered when I came back home.  I am that type of personality, who, when they are nervous, or waiting for something, go quiet and watchful...thoughtful.  So I don't have a lot more to say now.  Maybe later, maybe tomorrow.

Tunes that stick in your head

You know - everyone gets this.

It is indicative of the "new me" lately that it isn't something like "Merry Christmas Everybody", but "Jesus! the name high over all" that I've been whistling all over the place, in the office and the supermarket.

Well, my spirit is happy at least, but why that particular hymn, I haven't a clue.  We're not doing that one this week, but it is one great bellows buster I love to play and lead.

OK PA Man, guess what I'm going to do as a sound check this week.  :-)

My Shelter from the storm

The choruses this week are very personal, high focus on Jesus' sacrifice affecting the writer of them personally (one of them, I am told, reduces even the writer to tears on occasion whenever they hear it or play it), and the submission of us, the untrusting mortals, into the Potter's Hand, and forever abide in our hearts.

Emotional indeed, and Monday night when I attempted to play them through, I could not.  I broke down in tears before the end of each one. Tuesday, I was better.  Maybe tonight or tomorrow I can try and focus on the job to be done, rather than making it too personal, else the congregation will have to carry me.

They could well understand, considering what I will be going through that evening.  But it isn't the actual baptism itself that I'm apprehensive about (in fact, apprehensive is the wrong word, but will have to do) - putting the jokes about drowning aside and the horrible things that can go wrong....no, I believe it will go perfectly and I have full trust in the baptisers and God.  It's the afterwards.  It could be difficult to explain - I'm ready for any change that may occur, I've gone with the flow since around April this year and God has been good to me, He isn't going to stop.  No, it's how I'm going to affect others around me.  It's the not knowing the beyond that bothers me.  I know that there will probably be no immediate, dramatic change in me.  It is after all, for me, an act of obedience.  But of all the testimonies I've read and heard, something happens, if not directly afterwards, fairly soon.  I'm excited, but sorry if I leave something behind in the process, something not that I'll regret...but someone else might...

Ugh, I'm making no sense at all.  That's because I'm unwilling to write out the full story here.  But I will speak to one of the baptists about it, I need some assurance that whatever God gives to me, I can handle.

There are storms outside today, and the last couple of days.  Here in the office, and at home, I feel sheltered from them, and spiritually I feel ready...watchful...receptive...open...submissive.

To stand, therefore

Worship this morning:

Come, Praise the Lord
O Lord My God (How Great Thou Art)
Light of the World

....Communion, then...

Jesus, You are Changing Me
Holy Spirit, How I Love You

There were a few "pixies" in evidence today, I started playing O Lord My God in the wrong key, and a few trip ups here and there with the speakers.  Because they were ignored, they soon got bored and disappeared...

I was thinking over what to write today, other than saying what the worship was, because the theme today, and the message, encroaches into personal growth, rather than WL growth and I wanted to avoid that in my blog.

But even whilst reading the above paragraph, I realise that personal and WL growth are part of each other, and I can't possibly separate them.  Something is happening next weekend that will, I am told, change me forever.

I'm getting baptised.  There, I've said it.  No going back now.

A number of things are making me apprehensive.  Others have joked with me about it, but nerves are the least of what I'm feeling.  Friday, I felt my brain was about to explode with all the mush that was sitting in there, all the worry about stuff in my life and the future - beyond Sunday, 11th December.

"Who was with you in the bad times, and the good?  Who carried you through, even when you didn't realise it and didn't want to know?  Who has loved you when others rejected you?"

I had a vision of my hand gripping a decaying cliff edge, if I let go, I knew I would fall to my death, but I had to let go to take hold of the hand that could save my life....That evening I went to Bible study, and the pastor was led to speak of perseverance and death to sin.  Hupomone is difficult to grasp, does any mortal really, truly attain it?

I think it's going to be an interesting week.