Humbling

Yesterday, I nearly blogged either a rant or pity party (depending upon whether the painkillers had kicked in).

An Old Enemy visited me Thursday night, and I didn't go to work Friday.  Given what's going on in my brain lately, and what is going to happen tonight, I knew this just wasn't co-incidence.  No, I'm not being punished.  Enemy Action maybe.  But God will turn this around.

Nobody expected me to turn up for Bible study, but to me, it was the most natural thing to do because of the state I was in, not in spite of.  What a change of attitude that's occurred in me.  One of the choruses played last night was Heavenly Armour.  Oh man.

I was then prayed for so fervently, for my condition, for tonight, for my playing, I was humbled and shamed.  How could I possibly have soured the relationship in my own head?  But in a way, there's no harm done to the other half of this partnership, it's like when you have aught against your brother, but your brother doesn't realise it.  Then, when you have a change of heart, you thank God that your brother didn't know of your attitude, as a lot of repair work would have to be undertaken.  And, if I had blogged yesterday, before Bible study, I would have had to repent of that too.  (I may have deleted it, but probably not.  Nothing is truly deleted on the web, and it would have served as a reminder of how human I really am.)

I'm taking it easy today, no singing lesson, and maybe only a quick strum later, no serious practice.

There's a chorus that's been niggling in my head lately, called "Servant King".  I now know why.  And I now know the time is right to play it in church, if not for the cong, but a reminder to me.

Back to normal...?

Worship this morning:

Praise is Rising
In Christ Alone
Your Love Looks After me
Overwhelmed by Love
Here I am Waiting (Eagles Wings)

It felt good to be back.  The only place I feel 100% right with God is playing my guitar, leading a congregation in worship.

I do have uncertainties I won't go into here.   But I am not questioning my calling any more.  Last week barely comes to mind, and if it does, I try and dismiss it, knowing that if it ever becomes important, He will give me the conviction to tackle it.

Next Saturday is a special day, an evening of praise, worship and celebration as the church celebrates the first year in the new building.  I have chosen some choruses, although I do want to keep things flexible, but it needs an injection of something or other....I know there's my new arrangement, but I want something special for the church, a new introduction for the new year, and I can't find the perfect one.  I'll pray into it - maybe He'll put something in my mind to prepare...

Changes

When you are "growing up" you don't feel it, but you do change, little by little, every day, until one day you have a revelation that you have "grown up" but don't actually feel it.

Maybe it is similar with the walk in Christ.  You change, little by little, not noticing, until you realise, I'm changed from the person I was a year ago. 

The changes up to now have been mental, what Paul called "renewing of minds", what some translations have as "changing the way you think", both good translations, but it doesn't describe the fact that certain areas of your life were ashes - and Jesus has changed them to beauty.

Such is the way with me at the moment.  Yes, I recognise change in me.  This has come through time and obedience.  No immediate changes made at time of said obedience (although I have had some wonderful revelations) just a realisation that hey - I don't feel like that any more.  And then your output changes and the really special stuff begins.

I may have said earlier in the blog, I can't remember, that someone said, or I read (Doerksen more than likely) that God will require at least 1 song off any worship leader, one of their own.  Well, it's early days with that, although I have the framework of one, past experience tells me I may not have much talent for songwriting.  But what came to mind recently is I am quite good at adapting songs into given situations.  Speeding them up, slowing them down, merging, drifting, and there are even early signs of improvisation...

During the last few days I produced a new adaptation of a chorus that is about 10 years old.  I removed the bridge, added an intro, reprised the intro as a sort of bridge and changed the ending.  It is still the guy's song, for all intents and purposes, but it has ended up shared and I offered it up in practice last night.  I think that said worship leader/songwriter (who is pretty famous in the Christian world and very prolific still) would approve.

Play it solo.  Was the overwhelming and highly surprising response from the group.  You might think that sounds like they didn't like it.  No, far from it.  They loved it, so much so that they wanted to give it a more special position in the night I plan to play it.  And they want me to teach them the arrangement.

This blessing, which I feel is more than I deserve, has got me a bit awestruck, and is beginning to give me confidence in trying more.  Today I said to God that I want more, whatever you need to do in me, do it.  Dangerous prayer, but I mean it.  Never meant it more.  And I never thought I'd change as much to say that.

Comfort zone...

A mixed day.

I picked up my guitar this afternoon, the "fast" over, a surprisingly emotional moment.  Choruses picked for next week already.  Help, I'm back to being a Worship Leader.

I felt good at church today, the other guitarist has done a brilliant job this week (and last week I understand, didn't go to church last Sunday) and I felt ready to get back in there....

...then a number of things were said at the end to me which...um...irked me.

Spiritually, I'm feeling fighting fit.  But just a few words, said, I know, not to irritate me at all, in fact, may have been intended to help, but frankly, I felt undermined.  And also has gone against stuff that's been said before about the music and leadership and so forth.

What I have decided to do is leave it a couple of weeks - probably until after Easter.  Then, if this is still irking me, I will take it to the person and "have it out" in love, because I've learned it's best not to stew on these things, and the person has said as such themselves over a matter with another of the brethren...Besides, things may be back to normal in early April anyway, we'll see.

Tick follows tock follows tick follows tock

I wasn't sure how I'd cope during the "guitar fast" or "WL fast" if you like (actually, despite best intentions, the WL duty has clicked in again - you can take the girl out of Worship Leading, but...)

Of course the first 5 days were easy.  I was away.  Last weekend was fine too.  This weekend though, yeeeesh.  It started Thursday night, when Bossman put in a request (two actually) for Sunday 25th, I then started thinking of the other three that could go round it, then still further thinking about the following weekend (there's another "do" on), which I chorusstormed for a little while ago.  Fatal, I started looking through the chorusstorm list and realised that God had put a theme in to it, in fact a theme for the next two weeks, and now I'm itching to pick it up again, arg.

But I knew He had a message for me, and I am going to remain faithful.  In fact, part of the message (or maybe it's all of it, and He's waiting for it to sink in properly) has already been revealed, and it's a bit of a chastise.  The Sunday speaker, a couple of weeks back, spoke of the Refiner's Fire, and oh man do I feel I've had some of that lately.  

But...bring it on.  I don't think I've ever felt as good as I do now.

As it comes

After fellowship with a couple who have become good friends, I feel more focussed, more confident and better equipped, in particular, my attitude is improving.  And my sense of humour is coming back.  This can only be a good thing.  Or not, depending upon how you view my sense of humour.

He liked my analogy of the headwind of my own making.  If you experience that again, he said, invite Jesus into your boat, deal with it, and move on.  Don't go searching for the problems, deal with them as they come.  And do not give up, even if you state it is "having a rest".  Satan knows you will never be perfect, and you won't be perfect until the Day.

There are some concerns I'm going to have to put to one side, because the answers will only come with time.  But I do feel ready to pick up my guitar again, although I have promised myself, and God, not to for least two weeks - the two weeks which expire Sunday afternoon.

Rough and smooth

Here I am, back again with just my reflections for company.

I returned Friday, feeling somewhat...changed...

But Sunday I threw such an almighty hissy fit over something that later on in the day I was just so so ashamed.  Mega repentance, mega knee time.

Then I received a message about some stuff that went on in my absence - and my first reactions?  Resentment, jealousy, fear...

There is no place for such emotions and reactions in my life, as human as they are, at least they shouldn't be my first, gut reactions. It's made me think that I need to seek honesty from one, maybe two people before I decide what move I'm going to make next.

Last couple of days, after some more repentance and prayer, I've felt much better, but I'm still so uncertain.  Yet God warned me this would happen.  One of the last passages I read before coming home was in Mark's Gospel, when Jesus walks on water with the disciples fighting against a headwind...

...I came home to that headwind, one of my own making.  This could be a serious turning point, or maybe I'm blowing it out of all proportion.

Need to find out which.  And soon.  Time will be up before I know it.

Preparation and Confirmation

Worship this morning:

In Heavenly Armour
My Jesus, My Saviour
Salvation Belongs to our God
Jesus Christ (Once Again)
When I Survey

Something very special happened today - I got blessed.  Years ago, I used to be one of those people who would say to God "If this doesn't happen, then I'll..."....and of course it doesn't and I don't.

Nowadays, I try and remember that my yea should always be yea, and whatever I state in front of God, He will require of me.  So I was careful with my prayer last night.  Lord, I said, I know it's a turning point.  I feel I need an answer with regards to WL.  I don't think I'm up to it anymore, truth be told, or maybe I think You don't want me there...If I don't get a clear answer, then I am going to have to rethink my position, yes, even leave if that's what You require.

He made it perfectly clear this morning.  You stay right where you are.  But hand it over to me, lay it on the altar, for two weeks.  Yes, it's going to be hard.  I never said it was going to be easy.  Like silver and gold are refined, I want to refine you.

So, I'm going away, for 4-5 days, to my old haunt, SW London, to see my earthly father, and spend a lot of time with my Heavenly Father.  His mercy is sure - He has required this of me for over 2 months, but He allowed me preparation time.  He could have struck me down if He willed it, to make sure I obeyed.  But now I have to fulfill the promise I made, lay my music on the altar, and wait in his presence.  I will basically be alone for at least 3 days, and when I am back home again, replace practice and WL preparation with prayer and reading.

I'm not taking my laptop with me, and I don't think I will go to any internet cafes, or use the hotel computers, I decided it would be too much of a distraction.  So this is likely my last post until at least next weekend, or maybe I'll give this a rest too for the two weeks.

I am apprehensive, and perhaps a little scared.  What I do know is I'll be in His Hands, and that is enough for me.

One Word Reflections

Revelation.  Truth.  Countenance.  Presence.  Worship.  Knees.  Alone.  Elijah.  Elisha.  Moses.  Samuel.  Jehoshaphat.  Friday.  Fellowship.  Prayer.  Journey.  Apprehension.  Anticipation.

May seem meaningless to you.  Mean a whole lot to me.