And in other news

Gonna stop being a Jeremiah - for a while at least.

When I first got my mp3 player late last summer I heaped loads of stuff onto it.  It's a Holy, Sanctified, mp3 player.  It has never had a secular track on it.  I won't say it is blame free as there just might be debatable doctrine on it.  But it has become a resource (as was the plan at the beginning) and even now, with it on "random shuffle" I'm hearing tracks not heard before by me, or not for ages (there's approx 36 hours play time on it) and I'm going ohmanohmanohman have to do this one.

Needless to say, I'm probably driving my bandmates up the wall with such behaviour.  But they do love me.  Well at least I hope so.

Anyway, this random ripping took its toll, insofar that the tags were all over the show.  So I've spent the last few weeks re-doing all the tags, something that some may see as akin to cleaning bathroom grout with a toothbrush.  Strangely satisfying, but technically frustrating/boring.  Just finished, in time for the, whisper, {coming apart}.  Er-hem.

Perhaps the most irritating part of all this was the Kingsway tags on the various commercial CD's I've bought from them.  Take SOF 5 f'r'instance.  One CD has 3 tracks with lower case titles, the rest show a title of Track 4, Track 5 etc, with absolutely nothing on the tags to state what it is and who it is by.  Another CD has been tagged pretty much perfectly.  The other suffers from lower case syndrome.

Why, when they were in the same box were they tagged completely differently?  Well, this just takes my mind off other things I suppose...

Countdown

Worship this morning:

Jesus, Hope of the Nations
Open the Eyes of my Heart, Lord
Great is Thy Faithfulness
Jesus, All for Jesus
Into Your Hand

Typical Lent hymn, coupled with some choruses that talk of yearning and commitment...hmm, I think the Spirit is trying to get through to me as much as He is the congregation.  Message was brilliant today, based on Luke 6.

Bossman commented "You seem better today", I replied that I have good and bad days, today was a Good Day, in fact it's been a good weekend.

It isn't the full picture - I cried as if my heart would break Thursday and Friday night.  I still don't fully understand why.   A doctor might diagnose stress or even depression, but I think it's just a deep yearning for next week...

...but I want the day to arrive, and not to arrive...at the same time.

I completed a Musescore transcription today, probably the last for at least 3 weeks.   I wonder how I will cope at Thursday night practice?  Or am I just blowing all of this out of proportion...again?

Be Still

Worship this morning

I Believe in Jesus
Lord, I Lift Your Name on High
Lord, I come to You (Power of Your Love)
Be Still (The Holy One is Here)
Peace Like a River

I unexpectedly led worship on Friday night, and the music "I" chose then changed the course of the evening.  It was so special, I was almost on my knees at the end of the message.  (I'm not proud, I would have been, but I damaged my left knee, twice, last summer and it's still not fully recovered - if a cushion had been handy...!)

I should have realised at that point that God was trying to tell me something.  The above were chosen before Wednesday, perhaps even before last Sunday (I tend to go through the choruses 8 days ahead on a Saturday)

Last night, I was apprehensive about this morning, wondering what to expect as the heartache of late has been a bit much.  I said "I'm just going to play for You, Lord", and I did.  I was invited to give my testimony this morning, and I did.

The Spirit peacefully blew about the church today, which in turn, calmed the various storms in my life.

No - none of it will go away quickly, and the 48-72 hours that I will be away from my friends, spouse and home (in a couple of weeks) I don't expect to be enough either.

He is gently calling me, whilst at the same time confirming I am where I should be, but I need to take some time and be alone with Him, and I am so looking forward to it.

To be in His presence.  To seek His face.  All I want right now.

Wow

Two Wednesdays running, I've fasted, for approx 21 hours each time.  First time was water only, second time the very occasional tea/weak coffee, flushed with lots of water.  (I got a slight headache just after lunch, really, the experts are right, avoid caffeine when you're fasting.  If I hadn't had plenty of water as well, I think it may have been worse)

I don't know why, I just felt, with recent discussions with the pastor, it was the right thing to do in my circumstance.

Then, a little while after lunchtime yesterday, just when I was thinking "why am I fasting at all, shouldn't I have some sort of purpose?" a revelation hit me right in between the eyeballs.  It isn't especially new, but it became real.

Do you ever get that?  You might become over-familiarised with various passages of scripture, and you become anethetised to them, you know they are true, but they aren't real to you.

The testimony that I will probably share on Sunday, I won't share here.  That is because it is linked to my employer, and I don't want to state who they are on the blog (and the testimony will make it obvious who they are, even if I don't say the name) - I don't want to link blog and employer in that way, for various reasons.

I still have a thorn in my flesh, and I got a phone call yesterday with a suggestion of how to alleviate it.  I still have concerns for the church's future and my future.   I still panic, I'm still overly anal about certain matters, but God said to me very clearly yesterday:

Child, you are Mine.

That's special.

One Better Day

Had a chat with the Boss, last night, this morning and at lunchtime.  Feel somewhat calmer again.

Don't think I have closure on any of my main concerns, but last night, what I have come to believe is The Voice said something to me that almost knocked me out of my socks....

Could it be?

I don't want to repeat it here, as I won't be saying anything about it to anyone else, it is so deeply personal and would distract from its main purpose.  But it is highly surprising.

Instead, I will tag this post, prophecy, which will in turn jog my memory further down the line, a milestone of encouragement if you like.  But actually, it could be a whole lot more than that.

What is wrong with me?

Worship this morning:

O Lord our God (We will magnify)
Lord, I come Before Your Throne (What a Faithful God)
Overwhelmed by Love
I sing Praises to Your name
More Love, More Power

It started off well.  I was optimistic, keen even.  The service developed.  Loads of testimonies.  Came to the end of worship and -

Flumph.  It just...died.  It's actually started to make me angry, which I suppose is different from feelings of inadequacy, but in fact it's just joined together with the other feelings to sink me deeper into this....melancholia?  Depression?...Stupidity?  Then at the end of the service, just when it could have been made better, "the way things are done round here" got in the way, AGAIN, making me feel angry, depressed, inadequate etc etc.

It doesn't help that every single message since last Saturday is piercing me to the heart, is so appropriate to my situation, I'm screaming, LORD, I just want to be alone with You to talk all this out.

Why am I even blogging all this?  In my defense, I have shared my feelings "offline", I'm not confessing all to a microchip.  Am I here to encourage others, or myself?

The only thoughts keeping me sane at the moment - the wonderful words of Townend's All My Days.  Keep hold of the meaning of those words, Fi.  You can't go wrong.

Treacle, tears, trial....tired....

Last night was like running through treacle.  This didn't help my recent feelings of inadequacy.  I won't list all the choruses we did, but needless to say it was some of our best stuff, the response just wasn't there.  I was pretty much in tears by the end.

And the one person I could have done with being there to get some consolation, wasn't there.  Yet I realised that He was there in the choruses, being all about broken chains, strength and revival...

I was slightly cheered up this morning, when the pastor said that the speaker had praised me for my efforts (and the flautist), saying how good we are.  When I stated what hard work it was, he said, it isn't you, you weren't the only one to mention it.   He then said that there was some demonic principalities that needed to be broken, indeed, were broken after the service.

Worship this morning:

Jesus is the Name we Honour
All My Days
I will Sing the Wondrous Story
This is my Desire (I give You my heart)
Here I am waiting
 
which almost reduced me to a puddle early on.  I will sing of the Blood that never fails.  I will sing the wondrous story.  Days of darkness.....here I am waiting...abide in me...

Why do I feel this way?  The speaker last night spoke of giant slaying (a very good message actually) and this morning was on fasting, God is bashing on my door almost saying to me the answers are in front of me, but I just feel so....broken.  I can't help the way I feel.  I can barely wait until I go away from here for a few days, as hard as it's going to be to split from the church, albeit briefly.

But just when I thought on Friday I was making progress, I feel myself sliding again, and I'm really having difficulties seeing my way through.  Maybe I'm just tired, maybe I am still being a drama queen, maybe it will be different next Sunday.

What's your ministry?

Worship leading is, of course, a ministry in itself.  But as any leader will tell you, God gives you a sub-ministry, a specialism if you like.

I've observed other worship leaders and Christian songwriters, and they do indeed have a specialism.  Where do you find the one for you, you may wonder.  Exactly where the other leaders, pastors, elders, missionaries and apostles find theirs.  Isaiah 61:

   ¹ The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;
   ² To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn;
   ³ To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. (KJV 1611)

Every Christian is all of that, but think about it, we are all a little bit of God, and mortal, we can't be expected to be everything in full measure.  So God gives you an annointing in one particular area.

Brian Doerksen's, for instance, is "bind up the brokenhearted"

Robin Mark's is "proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord"

Matt Redman's, I believe, is "beauty for ashes"

You could add to this, you get my point.

Yesterday, I think God was telling me what mine was.  I need confirmation before I state it here, but it was surprising.  I had some precious meandGod time in Rhos, sitting in a place where you can see the North Wales coast from Prestatyn to Colwyn Bay, really getting my feelings into perspective...

I'm sorta at a loose end today, no singing lesson, and a stretch of about 8 hours before a Praise Night, glorious anticipation of what is to come.  Oh, and I decided I would mention my feelings about it.  I decided I had nothing to lose by being honest, and saying it out loud.

Feel it in my spirit, feel it in my bones...

Where the worship for Sunday is preplanned, we have a special praise and worship night on Saturday and this will be more spontaneous.

Originally I thought I might be on my own for this, making it very spotaneous, but it's perhaps just as well that I'm not, and have rounded up around 16 or 17 well known hymns/choruses (plus a "surprise" for my church, which may be well known to the other churches invited to this shindig).  This has made a sort of "hymn book" of likelies, and this is obviously easier on the musicians to sense the route with me.  As I was pairing them up last night (key and theme) and looking at possible "routes" through, I was struck deep down in my spirit.

Just like a lot of Sundays, a theme had emerged, and this wasn't by my own effort; I "chorusstormed" to get thus far (picked choruses that I had a good feeling about).  The theme?  Revival.

I have always been highly cynical about the subject, oh yeah, yahdeyahdeyahda, great rivival due, lots of talk, no action.  Actually, I think that a lot of Christians secretly feel the same way.  They don't get angry with God over this, more exasperated with their leaders - after all, they are supposed to be "tuned in".

Something very special is about to occur, I can sense it.  I don't know if it's revival, revelation or revolution.  I don't know whether to say anything to anybody about this or not....