Last night was like running through treacle. This didn't help my recent feelings of inadequacy. I won't list all the choruses we did, but needless to say it was some of our best stuff, the response just wasn't there. I was pretty much in tears by the end.
And the one person I could have done with being there to get some consolation, wasn't there. Yet I realised that He was there in the choruses, being all about broken chains, strength and revival...
I was slightly cheered up this morning, when the pastor said that the speaker had praised me for my efforts (and the flautist), saying how good we are. When I stated what hard work it was, he said, it isn't you, you weren't the only one to mention it. He then said that there was some demonic principalities that needed to be broken, indeed, were broken after the service.
Worship this morning:
Jesus is the Name we Honour
All My Days
I will Sing the Wondrous Story
This is my Desire (I give You my heart)
Here I am waiting
which almost reduced me to a puddle early on. I will sing of the Blood that never fails. I will sing the wondrous story. Days of darkness.....here I am waiting...abide in me...
Why do I feel this way? The speaker last night spoke of giant slaying (a very good message actually) and this morning was on fasting, God is bashing on my door almost saying to me the answers are in front of me, but I just feel so....broken. I can't help the way I feel. I can barely wait until I go away from here for a few days, as hard as it's going to be to split from the church, albeit briefly.
But just when I thought on Friday I was making progress, I feel myself sliding again, and I'm really having difficulties seeing my way through. Maybe I'm just tired, maybe I am still being a drama queen, maybe it will be different next Sunday.
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