The Heart of Worship

I'm in the mood for a muse.

One thing that's dramatically changed in me in the last 6 months is the fact I am more willing to gather ideas and inspiration from others.  It used to make me feel uncomfortable, or even lacking in some way to admit that I needed to draw on others' experiences to make me better, or help me grow.  Now, I look upon them not as competitors, but equals, some of them as brothers and sisters.

Anyway, the reason for me going into all that - I have lately been spying headlines on various sites and blogs, relating to worship leading, and naturally I've started reading, hungry for inspiration.  What I have read though has been surprising.   Just a summary:

• Don't play the same thing week after week
• You are not the focus of the church
• Listen to the Spirit - constantly
• This is not a gig/performance/stage show
• Don't play things because "everybody knows it" or "regular crowd pleaser" - what does God want?
• Do something different.  Actually, this is Listen to the Spirit again.
• Listen to new music
• Respect the other band members tastes, abilities, strengths, weaknesses and opinions (putting others first, anyone?)

Either I am very blessed or very arrogant, or maybe it's just because I'm a volunteer in all this, unpaid, doing it all for God and the church (in that order) - I could add more to the above list and maybe I will as I think of them, but it makes we wonder - just what is going on in the heart of worship for WL's to start writing such things as standard?  This stuff they should know, all should know early on, and, believe me, God chastises you very quickly if you forget them.   A WL gets a slap (usually gentle) from God, for being out of line, they sulk a bit, think and pray a bit, realise that they were in the wrong (of course)...and then go write about it, either in a song or in a blog.  It's important to be reminded of above, and more - God knows I need reminding often, sometimes weekly.  But there are postings I am seeing that the arguments are being presented as something new, for the mature WL, when in fact - it's for the baby WL, the bread and milk. 

Guys, we are the natural descendents of the Levites.  Need a WL out there to start blogging meat.

Back to my old self

Unlike last week, I did forget to blog yesterday.  Well, I did remember late on in the afternoon, but the moment passed and I forgot again.  In my defence, I can say that I was distracted.  More on that later.

Worship on Sunday:

Hosanna, Hosanna
These are the Days of Elijah
My Jesus, My Saviour
You are My King
Isn't He?

I can feel the worship getting better and better lately, the above were certainly appreciated.

During the message, My Jesus, My Saviour came up as a topic when the speaker said that once he was unable to sing it, particularly the bit "forever I'll love You, forever I'll stand" - using a double analogy.  Firstly he couldn't get up that high.  Secondly, the commitment to love and to stand wasn't there either.  And I thought, yeah, that was me as well, up to 5 or 6 months ago.  In fact, on Saturday at singing lessons, to demonstrate my improved vocal range, I sung My Saviour to my singing tutor.  She loved it, and she's even encouraged me to bring in my guitar and a SOF one day to practice.  And I also thought about the reason why my "conversion" experiences in 1990 and 1999 went so horribly wrong - I didn't mean business with God.  This time I do.  No way am I going to walk away as easily.

I came back from church and got busy on the database for a little while.  I had promised myself that there would be no new songs or new introductions before the end of the year, bar Christmas (such choruses and hymns can only really be sung the fortnight around Christmas anyway).  SOH had Flame on the Wirral on his MW radio.  A song came on that almost made me sit up to attention, and my spirit leaping up and down in excitement.  It was one I had heard before, maybe at some time during this year - it seemed very much my predecessor's taste - but, oh, man, have to introduce that one...and soon...oh dear, bang goes the promise.  At least it was to myself only, and not to God.

Within 2 hours I had it written out on Musescore, on the PP database, and also on my MP3 player, courtesy of Kingsway website and the SOFs.  Isn't that incredible - 2 hours?  20 years ago, it would probably have taken a week or more to get it together.  I couldn't listen to more than 30 seconds of it after doing all that, I was just overcome.  In fact, this morning, it took extreme self control to stop myself bursting into tears on the bus listening to it... Title of it I will at some point state in this blog, call it a weird superstition.  It may be introduced as early as this week - I'm having another fight with the choruses, but I'm sure He'll prevail.  You'd think it would be Frustrating.  In fact it's Fun.  I make no apologies to the enemy for treating it so.  I'm back to my old self, excited as a 3-year-old seeing things for the first time.

Powerpoint - the Worship Leaders 3rd best friend

Been fighting with SkyDrive, Google Docs, and even, begrudgingly, Open Office Impress and just couldn't get what I needed from them - a fully portable, interactive database of choruses and hymns for those times where the Spirit just has to have a chorus that wasn't planned for the week.

PA Man has MS Powerpoint and yes, in theory, all of the above (and others) can be converted to .ppt, but it was doing strange things on conversion.  Nothing much I could do other than stop fighting, and buy a copy of Powerpoint.  God bless Amazon, definitely in my top 10 virtual best friend list of stuff that isn't actually or directly human.  Free delivery, still arrived within a day, less than normal price (still quite expensive though.  Hoping that I will be repaid 10 fold if not in money then in spirit).  Finally I can get going on this.

As far as I'm concerned, personally...I'm...emotional...and I can't really put my finger on why. Went through the choruses last night and some of them need work, but I didn't get stressed about it.  Thought about the year again, and all He has done for me, particularly with the guitar, the highlight of the year.  Yes, that can make me emotional, but you know those that are suffering some negative disorder break down in tears for no reason - I'm having difficulty keeping tears at bay at the moment...but it isn't depression, it's joy within my heart.

This blog was not supposed to be personal, more practical...still, the twain has to meet, once in a while.

One small step towards maturity

I didn't forget to blog yesterday.  In fact, mid afternoon I had the posting app up ready, but I realised that I needed to ponder and digest a little more, all that had happened that day.

Worship Sunday:

I believe in Jesus
Take us to the River
I Lift my Hands
Jesus, my Strength

And later on, after the message, Be Still.

It was short as another group needed the centre.  The guest speaker, an on-fire preacher who is driving in the fast lane of the Holy Spirit Superhighway and doesn't show any signs of slowing, spoke on the inheritance and gifts from God that He is willing to give us if we're only pro-active enough.   He's a lovely guy, I spoke a few words with him before the service, and he told me he doesn't look in his diary more than a week ahead - if he did, he would probably faint from exhaustion just by looking at it.

He had a word for me too, after I shared my testimony.  "God will turn your affliction".  I am still having difficulty fully grasping what this means.  I am sure, I believe, that this will come out in the coming weeks.  It was a powerful message of reminder - we are Children of God, too often we forget it.  It wasn't a prosperity preach, just a message that God only wants the best for us, and can give us the desires of our heart.  I looked at my guitar and thought, yes, that was a desire that God gave me.  Then, my predecessor was mentioned.  The speaker said to me, if my predecessor had not stepped away, I wouldn't have been raised up.  I saw the opportunity, I wasn't sure if I wanted it, but I took it as I believed God wanted me to.

We overran a little.  But - the group after put no pressure on us, it was almost as if they could see that spiritual bubble around us as God finished what He needed to do that day.

Later on, I finished off the music for next week, and opened up the blogger app....then closed it.  I needed to think some more.  In the kitchen, I was making tea, maybe a bite to eat, and God seemed to speak to me.  "Are you trying to live up to <name of predecessor>?"  My gut reaction was NO.  Absolutely not.  Well, maybe a bit.  She was pretty good...maybe more than a little...

OK.  Face it. You are trying to be the new HER.  Be you.  Yes, she does have an annointing, but I've given you a unique one.  Use it, and stop trying to be her.

Those that know me realise I have a childlike spirit, even at times when we're supposed to be solemn.  God isn't asking me to shed this, but He is asking me to temper, to think before I act and to be myself, because that's how He called me, not as an incarnation of someone else.

It is sobering. But it is extra assurance of how much He loves me.

Whistlestop...

I've known short worship sessions before, but our church's allowed time in the building this Sunday has been cut by a whole hour.

This will make from one whistlestop worship, which I reckon needs to be 15 minutes max.  And we have a special speaker.

Oh dear.

Feels like God is giving me a short break, I'm always exhausted after coming home.  Mind you, if we end up playing 180bpm to make sure we finish in time, I'll still be exhausted.  :-)

"Having done all, to stand"

I feel so much better lately.  One thing needs more time, patience, perseverance and other words to that effect, but Christ in me has done it.  He's Won.  I have not given up of my own free will, I have stood, and allowed the Work to carry on, without an act of cowardice on my part.

I don't doubt there will be other slings and arrows coming my way.  What do I feel?  Stronger as a result, surely.  Pleased that I have withstood the little setbacks and have been immunised against anything similar.  I haven't backslid.  Hallelujah!

Picked up the guitar last night for the first time since Sunday.  This week's are well known by the group and congregation, and it is also short, for various reasons.  So I got to working on the 27th, which I already had an outline for.  I went through them, jigged them around, removed 3, replaced them.  Found a perfect partnership on the last two choruses, love it when He gives me that inspiration.

One better day

Worship this morning:

Come, Praise the Lord
Jesus is the Name we Honour
All My Days
Jesus Christ (Once again)
Angels Bow

Nobody (other than the group of course, but only since Thursday) knew the first and last choruses, out of the rather famous Getty stable.

But - it didn't matter.  It was appreciated, I think the first will become a favourite in time, and the last the congregation will get used to and also gain its own special annointing.

Health wise - I am getting better - gradually.  Sometimes I think I'm milking it, I consider the choruses this morning and know that my problems are insignificant compared to the sacrifice that Jesus made.  So, so, so minor in comparison.  Although no-one in the church knows the full extent of what I've been through lately, I discussed the outline with one of the others; the fact is, too many problems came along at the same time, and this could be a danger period for me, a temptation to walk away from the path and carry on the same route I was on before - quite possibly the one that led to hell.

And there was a word, in fact, two, for me this morning as well.  Throughout all the pain, hassle and internal struggles I have looked to Him, constantly.  If I persevere, God will take me to a higher plain.   My struggle then was to keep the tears back to do the last worship choruses. And after the worship, the word was that I should not fear; an angel with a flaming sword was there with me.

I should thank and acknowledge those members personally, the moment wasn't right, but the Spirit is telling me I should confirm their words, as further encouragement, so that God increases in the church.

The message was wonderful too - an excellent summary of the Holy Spirit, I have notes - I think I may forego my regular Bible reading (I'm reading the Bible cover to cover, currently I'm in Jeremiah) and study the One who has become my true Friend.

Over confidence?

Some weeks ago, when I first began "officially" worship leading at church, I picked a chorus "that everyone surely knows"

Actually, they didn't.  It was a somewhat lesser known chorus, only I'd heard it on Premier and on a worship cassette to the point where it was extremely familiar to me, but not many others.

I'm getting rather nervous about tomorrow.  I thought I hadn't made the same mistake again, I was maybe a little over confident in introducing two new(ish) choruses, in the hope that being from the stable of a very well known worship leader, one or two others in the group would know them already.  Erm.  No.

The group likes them, so they're going to be played, but are the congregation going to receive them?  Yes, I shouldn't really be overtly concerned with that, but have I trusted more in my own instincts, rather than listening to the Spirit?

I guess on the one hand I'm thinking that if I have gone awry, it's a lesson learned, but if I haven't...prayer is what is needed here.  Maybe I'll have more thoughts tomorrow.

My own pain and troubles have eased somewhat, but haven't gone away entirely.  In some ways it's helping me focus my mind, which has resulted in this self-doubt.

Yes.  There's bound to be a testimony at the end of all this.  I'm glad it's God who's penning it.

Pain

If I could sum the last week up!

Couldn't do my normal post on Sunday - I have no internet access from home.  Also, my sore tooth did not get any better and had to go back to the dentist for antibiotics.  I prayed for healing, but I do believe I know the reason why nothing happened as quickly as I hoped, and as a result I have made a life-changing decision.  When the week is over, I hope that the last week's struggle, and the last 24 hours, will turn into a testimony to glorify God and kick Satan up his backside.

Anyway.

Worship on Sunday:

O Lord Our God (We will Magnify)
Oh to See the Dawn
Into Your Hands
Jesus, You are Changing Me

Shortened, to allow for longer message.  I was in tears before "Into Your Hands" I felt so rough, I had to drag my way through it, trusting in the Spirit to carry me.  I went straight home after the service was over, for the first time in I don't know how many weeks (I usually like the fellowship with a cup of tea) but I really didn't feel sociable.

Later, as I reflected, I remembered all the positive things from the morning.  Speaker said the choruses were perfect (and he's one for speaking his mind, and truthfully, no bias).  Although I was in tears at various points, after the end of Changing Me I went back to the bridge and chorus of Into Your Hands.  Singing in tongues.  The feeling of not being there, that it wasn't me playing, that me and the congregation were around The Throne of Grace.....and what picture did one of the congregation have after worship?  A picture of all of us, in normal everyday clothes, around the glassy sea....as for me, I knew that dark forces were trying to steal my joy, all I could do was stand up there, play, direct the worship to the Throne Room of God, despite what I felt inside, despite the pain...this was, truly, a sacrifice of praise.  But He was expecting more, which I discovered Monday.  Maybe I'll explain another time.

Back to Thursday.  Had a great time in practice.  Only three of us, and we got through it pretty speedily, so we practiced Through Our God We Shall Do Valiantly (it was in the original order, but was the one that got dropped to shorten the worship - we will probably do later this month), the Tersanctus version of Holy, Holy and Tell Out My Soul.  It was actually fun, but I find practice always invigorates and encourages me.  And, during the weekend, managed to work out next week's, with ideas for the week after - but frustratingly unable to communicate these ideas or the music to the group.  Methinks I will have a lot of printing to do tomorrow night, unless we get the internet back before then...I found an old, forgotten chorus that goes beautifully with a fairly new chorus (and in the same key), which gave me the shivers as I practiced them together....thank You, Holy Spirit for the development of the group and Your gift to me...

Also, I started a Powerpoint database of songs so that the group can be truly mobile without any tedious restrictions as to what we can play.  If the Spirit wants us to play a certain chorus (hopefully one we've practiced before) we will be able to, if I give PA man the file beforehand.  Have projector and laptop ready, click on Index, find alphabetically listed song....done.  May sound obvious and simple to you perhaps, but for a young church this is cutting edge.  Praise God that this is the sort of thing I am really good at; finding solutions and using resources to the best of my ability.

All in all, my personal problems seem minor.  I just need to get through the next few days without succumbing to temptation....but succumb to the Refiner's Fire.

...and cut

The day of my last post, I did indeed go back to my folder, forgot all about my original list and tried to listen to the Spirit.

One of the choruses has got shifted from Sunday to Friday, and Friday has been cut from 4 choruses to 3.  I got That Tingle for the last two worship choruses Sunday, I could feel the Spirit leap, nearly bringing tears to my eyes.  For the first time, I also prepared the Powerpoint presentations using OpenOffice.

Only one I think was retained from the original order, but I think God is again telling me that this was by my own selfish notions rather than something He chose.  It is one of those "fun" ones, I don't think He particularly has any objection to it, just not this time.  I know this, because the pastor has asked me to drop a chorus to leave more time for the speaker.  It can only be the first one....because the last two are most definitely in.

We'll still practice it though, and so far I'm not sensing any objection.  It's going to be a busy, but fun, Thursday night.

I just hope my sore mouth heals by that time..