Focus

Today should be a day of reflection, but I haven't really done any of that today.  I have actually reflected on the last year for some weeks, I am not the person I was 12 months ago.

No, instead, I've been doing lots of normal stuff, and daft stuff, trying to take my mind off a thorn in the flesh.  One that I've had for 7-8 weeks now, and yes, I've asked Him to take it away.  Several times.  And I will keep asking.  It's something that should go away on its own - eventually - but I wonder how much longer I have to endure this.  I wonder if I'll be ready for anything that's chucked at me when it is all over.  And I like to hope there will be a mighty testimony at the end of it.

Also, as is probably pretty normal, I'm looking to the future.  I believe God has asked something of me - and I'm unsure if I can do it.  In fact, it was pretty distressing.  When it is something that can affect a few people, you should really get confirmation, so I said, OK, if someone confirms it to me, I will do it....or if I feel brave enough I'll do it anyway.  Something tells me that God will force my hand if I don't.  If it is Him that's asking.

The old me would probably be climbing the walls at this point.  I'm just trying to trust.

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart
Be all else but naught to me, save that Thou art
Be Thou my best thought by the day or the night
Both waking and sleeping, Thy presence my light

Happy New Year, wherever you are.

Troubled

Rather than the tempest of recent months, my little tea cup has a minor storm, maybe 3 or 4 rising slowly.

There are lots of things bothering me, niggles of mostly my own making, irritations in little details of my life.

I know what you're thinking; these niggles, irritations, gnats underneath the mosquito net that is life, is what being human is all about.

I don't want to be bothered, niggled or irritated.  It ruins communication.  Particularly Communication.  Perhaps the only way I can Communicate at the moment is through my guitar.

It doesn't help that I'm still in Ezekiel - it's a bit like running barefoot through a field that has been liberally strewn with barbed wire.  I usually get some peace with Make Love, Make War, still reading it, even though you can easily get through a chapter in 20 mins-half an hour.  My gosh, its making me think.  And then whilst reading it, I got niggled by something stated, because I knew it had to apply somewhere in my life, but I couldn't quite put my finger on what.  So I decided to close my eyes and meditate on this.  But my brain tends to like different channels of thought.  Suddenly, a new Bible study, in fact several, were popping into my head, which I just have to shelve or "file" in the rather wobbly filing cabinet of my brain.  (It's fine.  If I get round to them in my lifetime, great.  If not, I have an eternity to understand God)

But even sitting here typing this, I know how to calm the storm.  He's had me in the palm of His hand since my birth, before that even.  All He wants to do is direct my paths, if I just let Him. Be still and know that I am God.  Everything that I have allowed Him into since February of last year (and believe me, it's just about everything) has been turned into abundant blessing, or to the good of my growth, knowing that I have become just that little bit more mature.

Be still.

Memories of an Anglican childhood

My parents weren't practising Christians, but I was educated in an Anglican "Holy Trinity" school.  Plenty of memories invoked by the hymns that we had practiced on Thursday night.  Just me and the flautist; I had picked 7 hymns, 1 very modern, another less than 50 years old, the rest ancient words of Christmasses past, and I tried to savour the words when I could.  Out of the 7, only 1 did not get a turn (Angels from the Realms of Glory), the rest were played either before the service started or after the intros:

Joy Has Dawned
See Him lying on a Bed of Straw (Calypso Carol)
Hark! the herald-angels Sing
O come, All ye faithful
As with Gladness
O Little Town of Bethlehem (the St Louis version, popular with the US, rather than our traditional Forest Green)

It was relaxed, and there was a surprising number of people in our small "chapel" section of the main hall.  I was going to be leading worship next Friday, but the church has decided to take a week off from this, so I'm going to enjoy the brief break.

First Christmas leading then.  I am really looking forward to leading at Easter.  Last Easter was the first time I was part of a worship team, next Easter is likely to be the first time leading, if God wills it.

May all of you out there always remember that, ultimately, it was why He was sent into the world, rather than how, that is the true gift that God wants us to remember, not just at Christmas, but all year round.

Have a blessed Christmas.

An excellent reminder

An earlier post had me saying that some WL's are stating the worryingly obvious.  I have found an absolutely brilliant post that nearly reduced me to tears:

alanscottsposterous

We've all been guilty of some or all of the issues he raises, at some point, and they are not blindingly obvious or stuff we should learn early on.  A reminder, from a leader, of just what we should be.

Bored?

Do NOT, under any circumstances tell God you're bored, unless, of course, you actually want something to do.

If you are happy in your idleness, that's absolutely fine, rejoice in it.

Ask God "What next?" be sure that He will give you something to do.

He has.

He's awesome.

Coiled spring

I felt weird last night.  It was like I had been stressed for so long, with so many worries that have completely dissapated, that I felt somewhat....lost...the coiled spring has relaxed making me think...what now?

I read a little Ezekiel, and then a little of "Make Love, Make War" by Brian Doerksen, the latter of which I am taking my time reading; I inhale books usually, I can easily get through 2-3 75,000 word books a week, but Doerksen's book is such an inspiration and he discusses so many points that I have to sit, think and meditate on them for a while.  No book, other than the Bible, has really done this for me before.  I don't know many of the songs he discusses, but it doesn't matter, this guy is on my wavelength when it comes to "pure" worship straight out of 2 Chron 20.

Despite my strange state, something special was happening last night.  I had been playing with Musescore earlier and I was playing around with a simple melody.  In bed last night, a chorus was added to it.  I wonder now whether it is another chorus I've heard, or truly a new song to the Lord.  I even have some words to it.  Is God calling me to write a song, when ones I've written in the past have been tuneless, with cliched words?  Then again, the Spirit wasn't living in me then.  Well, we'll see.  It might just be self edification, but at least it is a project that I can ponder on whilst everything else in my life is quiet.

Twas the week before Christmas

And not a carol was stirring...

Worship this morning:

Come On and Celebrate
Who Paints the Skies?
All Heaven Declares
I Sing Praises to Your Name
Isn't He Beautiful?

Missed practice a lot this week, so much so that I had an inspiration that the group should all get together on Thursday, play some carols, eat some mince pies and decide who's going to lead the worship on Sunday.  So that's what we're going to do.

Wow.  Christmas.  This time last year I was counting down the days to the end of my (then) job and vaguely worrying about what was coming next.  So much has happened in 2011, a second chance, a new life, a new vocation, a new job.  Thank You God, for getting me through this.

Overwhelmed

I'm just sitting here thinking to myself, how bizarre it will be to read, say, a year from now, the stuff I've written over the last few days, when I recall all that is happened in the last week, the unbelievable highs and lows; setbacks that have brought me down, and my Father lifting me up again.

Would I do all this again?  I'd do it twice.

Back to business.  No practice this week, which has added to the odd feel of the week.  I only have a vague idea of who is willing to play on Sunday, the music is not Christmassy at all (although it still fits for Advent) and we've yet to have a discussion about the 25th.

You know what?  I'm not going to worry about it.  I feel like I've just come off a fairground ride (or it has, at least, slowed down) and I'm still too dizzy to think about it.  Time is short, but, hey, I don't really care.  God's in charge.

Rollercoaster

Thank you God.

Praise You, Lord, for Your mercies endure forever.

Whatever comes my way, whether they be fiery darts or flaming boulders, You, and only You can shield me from harm.

Thank You for finding me again.  Thank You for starting again with me and shaping me with Your Potter's Hand into the person You want me to be.  Thank You for your abundant gifts and blessings upon me, for bestowing them although I am unworthy of them, for what can I give in return but my heart, praise from my lips, spirit and soul, praise that is to You only, Heavenly Father, for great Thou Art, Thou art worthy.

Through everything, whether it be tears or joy, work or play, I will praise You, O Lord, my shield, my buckler, in Thee I trust alone.

Thank You for friends, for fellowship, for your abundant mercies on Your children, for the protection and comfort You give all those that belong to You.  You have called me Yours.  You have claimed me as Yours alone.  You have snatched me from the brink of hell.

Praise You, O Holy, Holy, Holy art Thou, O God.  My God, I will praise You forever.

Work in progress

Yes, I did it.  I got baptised last night.  I was told it is the most wonderful experience of your life, and I think they're probably right.

It was slightly odd, but OK nonetheless, to be part of the congregation rather than the worship team.  My initial reaction to the group was, we compare quite well to them, they were good (I maintain we have a better flautist - don't tell either of them that for goodness sake) but they made me feel proud of our own 5 or 6.  We would not shame ourselves, for instance, if we ever merged with them to play together.

I have a lot of words given me, and a lot of scripture. I am still too emotional to read it all or even discuss it properly without crying.  I have some keepsakes, cards and photos, with more to come.  But the most precious memories will remain in my heart.  Forever.

Php 1:6  Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ

New life

Worship this morning:

Holy, Holy God Almighty
In Christ Alone
Beautiful Lord, Wonderful Saviour
Here I am Waiting

Wonderful this morning, just wonderful, when I needed it, as I had a bad start to the day.

I can't express how I'm feeling at the moment, some anticipation, some nerves, some prayer, some joy, thankfulness surely that the diseases going round at the moment haven't hit me.  (Well, I was prayed for last week that nothing would harm me, so there's another testimony)

I could witness here to how the Spirit moved amongst the congregation this morning, in all sorts of ways.  I am thankful that my own prayers said, quietly, in my heart, were answered when I came back home.  I am that type of personality, who, when they are nervous, or waiting for something, go quiet and watchful...thoughtful.  So I don't have a lot more to say now.  Maybe later, maybe tomorrow.

Tunes that stick in your head

You know - everyone gets this.

It is indicative of the "new me" lately that it isn't something like "Merry Christmas Everybody", but "Jesus! the name high over all" that I've been whistling all over the place, in the office and the supermarket.

Well, my spirit is happy at least, but why that particular hymn, I haven't a clue.  We're not doing that one this week, but it is one great bellows buster I love to play and lead.

OK PA Man, guess what I'm going to do as a sound check this week.  :-)

My Shelter from the storm

The choruses this week are very personal, high focus on Jesus' sacrifice affecting the writer of them personally (one of them, I am told, reduces even the writer to tears on occasion whenever they hear it or play it), and the submission of us, the untrusting mortals, into the Potter's Hand, and forever abide in our hearts.

Emotional indeed, and Monday night when I attempted to play them through, I could not.  I broke down in tears before the end of each one. Tuesday, I was better.  Maybe tonight or tomorrow I can try and focus on the job to be done, rather than making it too personal, else the congregation will have to carry me.

They could well understand, considering what I will be going through that evening.  But it isn't the actual baptism itself that I'm apprehensive about (in fact, apprehensive is the wrong word, but will have to do) - putting the jokes about drowning aside and the horrible things that can go wrong....no, I believe it will go perfectly and I have full trust in the baptisers and God.  It's the afterwards.  It could be difficult to explain - I'm ready for any change that may occur, I've gone with the flow since around April this year and God has been good to me, He isn't going to stop.  No, it's how I'm going to affect others around me.  It's the not knowing the beyond that bothers me.  I know that there will probably be no immediate, dramatic change in me.  It is after all, for me, an act of obedience.  But of all the testimonies I've read and heard, something happens, if not directly afterwards, fairly soon.  I'm excited, but sorry if I leave something behind in the process, something not that I'll regret...but someone else might...

Ugh, I'm making no sense at all.  That's because I'm unwilling to write out the full story here.  But I will speak to one of the baptists about it, I need some assurance that whatever God gives to me, I can handle.

There are storms outside today, and the last couple of days.  Here in the office, and at home, I feel sheltered from them, and spiritually I feel ready...watchful...receptive...open...submissive.

To stand, therefore

Worship this morning:

Come, Praise the Lord
O Lord My God (How Great Thou Art)
Light of the World

....Communion, then...

Jesus, You are Changing Me
Holy Spirit, How I Love You

There were a few "pixies" in evidence today, I started playing O Lord My God in the wrong key, and a few trip ups here and there with the speakers.  Because they were ignored, they soon got bored and disappeared...

I was thinking over what to write today, other than saying what the worship was, because the theme today, and the message, encroaches into personal growth, rather than WL growth and I wanted to avoid that in my blog.

But even whilst reading the above paragraph, I realise that personal and WL growth are part of each other, and I can't possibly separate them.  Something is happening next weekend that will, I am told, change me forever.

I'm getting baptised.  There, I've said it.  No going back now.

A number of things are making me apprehensive.  Others have joked with me about it, but nerves are the least of what I'm feeling.  Friday, I felt my brain was about to explode with all the mush that was sitting in there, all the worry about stuff in my life and the future - beyond Sunday, 11th December.

"Who was with you in the bad times, and the good?  Who carried you through, even when you didn't realise it and didn't want to know?  Who has loved you when others rejected you?"

I had a vision of my hand gripping a decaying cliff edge, if I let go, I knew I would fall to my death, but I had to let go to take hold of the hand that could save my life....That evening I went to Bible study, and the pastor was led to speak of perseverance and death to sin.  Hupomone is difficult to grasp, does any mortal really, truly attain it?

I think it's going to be an interesting week.

The Heart of Worship

I'm in the mood for a muse.

One thing that's dramatically changed in me in the last 6 months is the fact I am more willing to gather ideas and inspiration from others.  It used to make me feel uncomfortable, or even lacking in some way to admit that I needed to draw on others' experiences to make me better, or help me grow.  Now, I look upon them not as competitors, but equals, some of them as brothers and sisters.

Anyway, the reason for me going into all that - I have lately been spying headlines on various sites and blogs, relating to worship leading, and naturally I've started reading, hungry for inspiration.  What I have read though has been surprising.   Just a summary:

• Don't play the same thing week after week
• You are not the focus of the church
• Listen to the Spirit - constantly
• This is not a gig/performance/stage show
• Don't play things because "everybody knows it" or "regular crowd pleaser" - what does God want?
• Do something different.  Actually, this is Listen to the Spirit again.
• Listen to new music
• Respect the other band members tastes, abilities, strengths, weaknesses and opinions (putting others first, anyone?)

Either I am very blessed or very arrogant, or maybe it's just because I'm a volunteer in all this, unpaid, doing it all for God and the church (in that order) - I could add more to the above list and maybe I will as I think of them, but it makes we wonder - just what is going on in the heart of worship for WL's to start writing such things as standard?  This stuff they should know, all should know early on, and, believe me, God chastises you very quickly if you forget them.   A WL gets a slap (usually gentle) from God, for being out of line, they sulk a bit, think and pray a bit, realise that they were in the wrong (of course)...and then go write about it, either in a song or in a blog.  It's important to be reminded of above, and more - God knows I need reminding often, sometimes weekly.  But there are postings I am seeing that the arguments are being presented as something new, for the mature WL, when in fact - it's for the baby WL, the bread and milk. 

Guys, we are the natural descendents of the Levites.  Need a WL out there to start blogging meat.

Back to my old self

Unlike last week, I did forget to blog yesterday.  Well, I did remember late on in the afternoon, but the moment passed and I forgot again.  In my defence, I can say that I was distracted.  More on that later.

Worship on Sunday:

Hosanna, Hosanna
These are the Days of Elijah
My Jesus, My Saviour
You are My King
Isn't He?

I can feel the worship getting better and better lately, the above were certainly appreciated.

During the message, My Jesus, My Saviour came up as a topic when the speaker said that once he was unable to sing it, particularly the bit "forever I'll love You, forever I'll stand" - using a double analogy.  Firstly he couldn't get up that high.  Secondly, the commitment to love and to stand wasn't there either.  And I thought, yeah, that was me as well, up to 5 or 6 months ago.  In fact, on Saturday at singing lessons, to demonstrate my improved vocal range, I sung My Saviour to my singing tutor.  She loved it, and she's even encouraged me to bring in my guitar and a SOF one day to practice.  And I also thought about the reason why my "conversion" experiences in 1990 and 1999 went so horribly wrong - I didn't mean business with God.  This time I do.  No way am I going to walk away as easily.

I came back from church and got busy on the database for a little while.  I had promised myself that there would be no new songs or new introductions before the end of the year, bar Christmas (such choruses and hymns can only really be sung the fortnight around Christmas anyway).  SOH had Flame on the Wirral on his MW radio.  A song came on that almost made me sit up to attention, and my spirit leaping up and down in excitement.  It was one I had heard before, maybe at some time during this year - it seemed very much my predecessor's taste - but, oh, man, have to introduce that one...and soon...oh dear, bang goes the promise.  At least it was to myself only, and not to God.

Within 2 hours I had it written out on Musescore, on the PP database, and also on my MP3 player, courtesy of Kingsway website and the SOFs.  Isn't that incredible - 2 hours?  20 years ago, it would probably have taken a week or more to get it together.  I couldn't listen to more than 30 seconds of it after doing all that, I was just overcome.  In fact, this morning, it took extreme self control to stop myself bursting into tears on the bus listening to it... Title of it I will at some point state in this blog, call it a weird superstition.  It may be introduced as early as this week - I'm having another fight with the choruses, but I'm sure He'll prevail.  You'd think it would be Frustrating.  In fact it's Fun.  I make no apologies to the enemy for treating it so.  I'm back to my old self, excited as a 3-year-old seeing things for the first time.

Powerpoint - the Worship Leaders 3rd best friend

Been fighting with SkyDrive, Google Docs, and even, begrudgingly, Open Office Impress and just couldn't get what I needed from them - a fully portable, interactive database of choruses and hymns for those times where the Spirit just has to have a chorus that wasn't planned for the week.

PA Man has MS Powerpoint and yes, in theory, all of the above (and others) can be converted to .ppt, but it was doing strange things on conversion.  Nothing much I could do other than stop fighting, and buy a copy of Powerpoint.  God bless Amazon, definitely in my top 10 virtual best friend list of stuff that isn't actually or directly human.  Free delivery, still arrived within a day, less than normal price (still quite expensive though.  Hoping that I will be repaid 10 fold if not in money then in spirit).  Finally I can get going on this.

As far as I'm concerned, personally...I'm...emotional...and I can't really put my finger on why. Went through the choruses last night and some of them need work, but I didn't get stressed about it.  Thought about the year again, and all He has done for me, particularly with the guitar, the highlight of the year.  Yes, that can make me emotional, but you know those that are suffering some negative disorder break down in tears for no reason - I'm having difficulty keeping tears at bay at the moment...but it isn't depression, it's joy within my heart.

This blog was not supposed to be personal, more practical...still, the twain has to meet, once in a while.

One small step towards maturity

I didn't forget to blog yesterday.  In fact, mid afternoon I had the posting app up ready, but I realised that I needed to ponder and digest a little more, all that had happened that day.

Worship Sunday:

I believe in Jesus
Take us to the River
I Lift my Hands
Jesus, my Strength

And later on, after the message, Be Still.

It was short as another group needed the centre.  The guest speaker, an on-fire preacher who is driving in the fast lane of the Holy Spirit Superhighway and doesn't show any signs of slowing, spoke on the inheritance and gifts from God that He is willing to give us if we're only pro-active enough.   He's a lovely guy, I spoke a few words with him before the service, and he told me he doesn't look in his diary more than a week ahead - if he did, he would probably faint from exhaustion just by looking at it.

He had a word for me too, after I shared my testimony.  "God will turn your affliction".  I am still having difficulty fully grasping what this means.  I am sure, I believe, that this will come out in the coming weeks.  It was a powerful message of reminder - we are Children of God, too often we forget it.  It wasn't a prosperity preach, just a message that God only wants the best for us, and can give us the desires of our heart.  I looked at my guitar and thought, yes, that was a desire that God gave me.  Then, my predecessor was mentioned.  The speaker said to me, if my predecessor had not stepped away, I wouldn't have been raised up.  I saw the opportunity, I wasn't sure if I wanted it, but I took it as I believed God wanted me to.

We overran a little.  But - the group after put no pressure on us, it was almost as if they could see that spiritual bubble around us as God finished what He needed to do that day.

Later on, I finished off the music for next week, and opened up the blogger app....then closed it.  I needed to think some more.  In the kitchen, I was making tea, maybe a bite to eat, and God seemed to speak to me.  "Are you trying to live up to <name of predecessor>?"  My gut reaction was NO.  Absolutely not.  Well, maybe a bit.  She was pretty good...maybe more than a little...

OK.  Face it. You are trying to be the new HER.  Be you.  Yes, she does have an annointing, but I've given you a unique one.  Use it, and stop trying to be her.

Those that know me realise I have a childlike spirit, even at times when we're supposed to be solemn.  God isn't asking me to shed this, but He is asking me to temper, to think before I act and to be myself, because that's how He called me, not as an incarnation of someone else.

It is sobering. But it is extra assurance of how much He loves me.

Whistlestop...

I've known short worship sessions before, but our church's allowed time in the building this Sunday has been cut by a whole hour.

This will make from one whistlestop worship, which I reckon needs to be 15 minutes max.  And we have a special speaker.

Oh dear.

Feels like God is giving me a short break, I'm always exhausted after coming home.  Mind you, if we end up playing 180bpm to make sure we finish in time, I'll still be exhausted.  :-)

"Having done all, to stand"

I feel so much better lately.  One thing needs more time, patience, perseverance and other words to that effect, but Christ in me has done it.  He's Won.  I have not given up of my own free will, I have stood, and allowed the Work to carry on, without an act of cowardice on my part.

I don't doubt there will be other slings and arrows coming my way.  What do I feel?  Stronger as a result, surely.  Pleased that I have withstood the little setbacks and have been immunised against anything similar.  I haven't backslid.  Hallelujah!

Picked up the guitar last night for the first time since Sunday.  This week's are well known by the group and congregation, and it is also short, for various reasons.  So I got to working on the 27th, which I already had an outline for.  I went through them, jigged them around, removed 3, replaced them.  Found a perfect partnership on the last two choruses, love it when He gives me that inspiration.

One better day

Worship this morning:

Come, Praise the Lord
Jesus is the Name we Honour
All My Days
Jesus Christ (Once again)
Angels Bow

Nobody (other than the group of course, but only since Thursday) knew the first and last choruses, out of the rather famous Getty stable.

But - it didn't matter.  It was appreciated, I think the first will become a favourite in time, and the last the congregation will get used to and also gain its own special annointing.

Health wise - I am getting better - gradually.  Sometimes I think I'm milking it, I consider the choruses this morning and know that my problems are insignificant compared to the sacrifice that Jesus made.  So, so, so minor in comparison.  Although no-one in the church knows the full extent of what I've been through lately, I discussed the outline with one of the others; the fact is, too many problems came along at the same time, and this could be a danger period for me, a temptation to walk away from the path and carry on the same route I was on before - quite possibly the one that led to hell.

And there was a word, in fact, two, for me this morning as well.  Throughout all the pain, hassle and internal struggles I have looked to Him, constantly.  If I persevere, God will take me to a higher plain.   My struggle then was to keep the tears back to do the last worship choruses. And after the worship, the word was that I should not fear; an angel with a flaming sword was there with me.

I should thank and acknowledge those members personally, the moment wasn't right, but the Spirit is telling me I should confirm their words, as further encouragement, so that God increases in the church.

The message was wonderful too - an excellent summary of the Holy Spirit, I have notes - I think I may forego my regular Bible reading (I'm reading the Bible cover to cover, currently I'm in Jeremiah) and study the One who has become my true Friend.

Over confidence?

Some weeks ago, when I first began "officially" worship leading at church, I picked a chorus "that everyone surely knows"

Actually, they didn't.  It was a somewhat lesser known chorus, only I'd heard it on Premier and on a worship cassette to the point where it was extremely familiar to me, but not many others.

I'm getting rather nervous about tomorrow.  I thought I hadn't made the same mistake again, I was maybe a little over confident in introducing two new(ish) choruses, in the hope that being from the stable of a very well known worship leader, one or two others in the group would know them already.  Erm.  No.

The group likes them, so they're going to be played, but are the congregation going to receive them?  Yes, I shouldn't really be overtly concerned with that, but have I trusted more in my own instincts, rather than listening to the Spirit?

I guess on the one hand I'm thinking that if I have gone awry, it's a lesson learned, but if I haven't...prayer is what is needed here.  Maybe I'll have more thoughts tomorrow.

My own pain and troubles have eased somewhat, but haven't gone away entirely.  In some ways it's helping me focus my mind, which has resulted in this self-doubt.

Yes.  There's bound to be a testimony at the end of all this.  I'm glad it's God who's penning it.

Pain

If I could sum the last week up!

Couldn't do my normal post on Sunday - I have no internet access from home.  Also, my sore tooth did not get any better and had to go back to the dentist for antibiotics.  I prayed for healing, but I do believe I know the reason why nothing happened as quickly as I hoped, and as a result I have made a life-changing decision.  When the week is over, I hope that the last week's struggle, and the last 24 hours, will turn into a testimony to glorify God and kick Satan up his backside.

Anyway.

Worship on Sunday:

O Lord Our God (We will Magnify)
Oh to See the Dawn
Into Your Hands
Jesus, You are Changing Me

Shortened, to allow for longer message.  I was in tears before "Into Your Hands" I felt so rough, I had to drag my way through it, trusting in the Spirit to carry me.  I went straight home after the service was over, for the first time in I don't know how many weeks (I usually like the fellowship with a cup of tea) but I really didn't feel sociable.

Later, as I reflected, I remembered all the positive things from the morning.  Speaker said the choruses were perfect (and he's one for speaking his mind, and truthfully, no bias).  Although I was in tears at various points, after the end of Changing Me I went back to the bridge and chorus of Into Your Hands.  Singing in tongues.  The feeling of not being there, that it wasn't me playing, that me and the congregation were around The Throne of Grace.....and what picture did one of the congregation have after worship?  A picture of all of us, in normal everyday clothes, around the glassy sea....as for me, I knew that dark forces were trying to steal my joy, all I could do was stand up there, play, direct the worship to the Throne Room of God, despite what I felt inside, despite the pain...this was, truly, a sacrifice of praise.  But He was expecting more, which I discovered Monday.  Maybe I'll explain another time.

Back to Thursday.  Had a great time in practice.  Only three of us, and we got through it pretty speedily, so we practiced Through Our God We Shall Do Valiantly (it was in the original order, but was the one that got dropped to shorten the worship - we will probably do later this month), the Tersanctus version of Holy, Holy and Tell Out My Soul.  It was actually fun, but I find practice always invigorates and encourages me.  And, during the weekend, managed to work out next week's, with ideas for the week after - but frustratingly unable to communicate these ideas or the music to the group.  Methinks I will have a lot of printing to do tomorrow night, unless we get the internet back before then...I found an old, forgotten chorus that goes beautifully with a fairly new chorus (and in the same key), which gave me the shivers as I practiced them together....thank You, Holy Spirit for the development of the group and Your gift to me...

Also, I started a Powerpoint database of songs so that the group can be truly mobile without any tedious restrictions as to what we can play.  If the Spirit wants us to play a certain chorus (hopefully one we've practiced before) we will be able to, if I give PA man the file beforehand.  Have projector and laptop ready, click on Index, find alphabetically listed song....done.  May sound obvious and simple to you perhaps, but for a young church this is cutting edge.  Praise God that this is the sort of thing I am really good at; finding solutions and using resources to the best of my ability.

All in all, my personal problems seem minor.  I just need to get through the next few days without succumbing to temptation....but succumb to the Refiner's Fire.

...and cut

The day of my last post, I did indeed go back to my folder, forgot all about my original list and tried to listen to the Spirit.

One of the choruses has got shifted from Sunday to Friday, and Friday has been cut from 4 choruses to 3.  I got That Tingle for the last two worship choruses Sunday, I could feel the Spirit leap, nearly bringing tears to my eyes.  For the first time, I also prepared the Powerpoint presentations using OpenOffice.

Only one I think was retained from the original order, but I think God is again telling me that this was by my own selfish notions rather than something He chose.  It is one of those "fun" ones, I don't think He particularly has any objection to it, just not this time.  I know this, because the pastor has asked me to drop a chorus to leave more time for the speaker.  It can only be the first one....because the last two are most definitely in.

We'll still practice it though, and so far I'm not sensing any objection.  It's going to be a busy, but fun, Thursday night.

I just hope my sore mouth heals by that time..

Chorus block

I thought I had them for next week, today I'm not so sure.

I'm trying to balance out ones we know along with a couple that I feel led to do in a couple of weeks.

Sitting here typing this, I think I know the answer.  I'm going to have to look through my books and chorusstorm lists again, forget the above statement, and do the ones His Spirit wants, not what I want.

They could be new, they could be old.  I should be stressed.  Instead I'm quite excited with what He will show me.

Debut

When I got a new guitar, I envisioned it having its debut at practice, or maybe Friday night Bible study (which I'm covering this coming Friday).  After playing it last night, and it already feeling liking a second skin, it was only right and proper that it has started as it means to go on; for Sundays.

Worship this morning:

Strength Will Rise
Lord I come before Your throne of Grace
Filled With Compassion
We Declare Your Majesty
This is my Desire

(Also, unplanned, almost a cappella, once through I worship You, Almighty God)

Guitar was hooked up wirelessly, through a box clipped onto my strap.  No longer do I have to stay close to the mic stands.


Lots of wonderful testemonies this morning too, after I shared mine.  The general feel was that God helps us and blesses us in the little things; a new guitar and various car troubles, along with prayer for a change of job for our flautist.

It was so wonderful to play a guitar that I could fully trust, without worrying about it going out of tune, or, horrors, a string snapping, which I have had fears of for some time, the machine heads really being on their last legs.  And it sounded beautiful.  The strings are D'addario, which I haven't experienced before, I now don't want to buy any others in future.

And - another tongue and interpretation/prophecy after worship ended.  The church really is maturing and lapping up spiritual gifts.

The other debut, Filled With Compassion, new to the congregation, picked up pretty much perfectly by the group on Thursday, was spot on for the message theme, judgement; being certain of our own salvation and passing the news onto others.  It was only right that we also played it after the sermon.  Scared a couple of the pew sitters, but we need to be shifted out of our comfort zone once in a while.

Not for the first time in recent weeks am I sorry that I'm back home, and worship is over for another week.  Trying not to think about the fact that I haven't really sorted out what they are going to be next week, let alone what I'm going to do for Bible study.  Will pray about it, with my books, later on today.

Joy overflowing

I've been weary this week, culminating on Thursday night with a request (24 hours notice) to do Friday night worship at Alpha.

It was OK - but I was average.   Sacrifice of praise it was not.  I was tired and I'm not sure whether I really wanted to be there.  The DVD was Gumbel's talk on the church and unity; which was interesting as I have been thinking about that a lot lately.  Thought last night that I hadn't blogged in a few days, and perhaps I did have a few things that I wanted to say, but I guess it didn't weigh heavy enough on me to actually start typing.  Life, as they say, just got in the way.

What was still at the back of my mind was That Guitar.  I'm off work for a week, and the plan was to get Yell.com in front of me Monday morning and phoning round for the Freshman that was nearly invading my dreams.  I don't think I've prayed specifically for it, just a deep yearning, a need for something that will help take the worship forward, and be just a little more professional.  For those new here, you can read my earlier musings on this by clicking on the "guitar" tags.

I go to Colwyn Bay every Saturday for singing lessons.  I was about 20 minutes early, and although I wasn't hoping for much, I tried the music shop just behind the market.  (I'd tried there before, they had Freshmans, but not the one I wanted).  Just maybe.   Just maybe I might see something, or maybe have a chat about him ordering one in, with no pressure to buy it...

...wandered in.  Looked around.  Guy asked me if there was anything I was looking for in particular.  "Yes, a 12-stri-..." - There, on the rack....There She Was.  The very Freshman I wanted.  Quickly had a strum on it (only 10 minutes to singing at this point) - fell in love straightaway.  "Only had this a few days." man said.  Of course you had, I thought, because God had made sure it was there for me to find it.

Walking on air to singing lessons.  Couldn't concentrate for my excitement.  Bought guitar after singing.  Came home still circling the clouds.  I am so happy, I am praising God for this and the resources that were available for me to buy it.

Am I being totally daft over a piece of wood?  I don't really care.  I now have a serious instrument, and my poor Epiphone can go into retirement.  My joy really is overflowing.

Music Makers

Jdg 5:3  Hear, O ye kings; give ear, O ye princes; I, even I, will sing unto the LORD; I will sing praise to the LORD God of Israel. (KJV 1611)

I was thinking about genres, and how diverse Christian music is nowadays.

It seems to me that, in the seventies, much like secular music, your choice was minimal – either something for “official” occasions, or sugary sweet choruses.  I’m probably over generalising – of course there was an emergence of good music at places like Greenbelt, but on the whole accessibility to the alternatives was limited.

Just flicking through Songs of Fellowship or Mission Praise gives you a good idea of how Christian music has adapted.  There are new hymns which both young and old enjoy, but also writers that have targeted specific age groups and/or attitudes.  Like Garage?  Hip Hop?  Dance?  Club House?  Ibiza?  Easy Listening?  Folk?  Celtic mood?  Chill?  Punk?  Metal?  AOR?....God’s got it covered with someone, somewhere, because Jesus got into their life and now they express themselves through the music they enjoy.

For the WL picking through these and finding the truly anointed gems that will suit your church is tricky.  They have to suit the age range of the church and also the mood.  I try to keep as up to date as possible by downloading/buying generic worship mixes, and listen to new ones when I can.  Most weeks, I download the freebie from Kingsway, but if I don’t like it, or I know it won’t suit the church, I don’t bother.  I think this week’s is a bit “yoof” for my taste, and one a few weeks back sounded like an X-factor finalist.  But – despite my dismissals, if these groups or artists get through to just one person, one less person is saved from the fire.

I used to have the attitude that only certain types of music should be allowed in church, but I’ve completely changed my mind on this.  The language of music has been powerful since before the time of David.  What tongue or dialect doesn’t matter.  The fact is music can be all things to all people and a powerful instrument in getting people closer to God.

Refiner's Fire

Worship this morning:

Holy, Holy God Almighty
Lord, the Light of Your Love is Shining
How Deep the Father's Love for Us
Don't Let My Love Go Cold
Jesus, my Strength

Before we started, the pastor had three words given to him at around 6.00am this morning: Presence, Worship and Gold.

...I think God covered it with the worship.  :-)

In fact, refiner's fire was the theme this morning, and earlier in the week the Spirit led me to recognise within myself a bad emotion that I've had since I was kid.  I prayed on Friday night that Jesus would free me of it, as I did not want to feel it anymore.  I hadn't hurt anyone, physically or emotionally, but it was cutting me up inside.  Time will tell if I do feel it again, I believe if I do, it will be with less intensity, until one day, Hallelujah, I'll realise that it has gone, the repentance and cleansing work will be over.

I've picked the songs (or at least, God has) for next week, and I did it again - I mixed up two songs when giving them to the pianist.  (Circle on wall, write bang head here hard)  I have my concerns about one which may be too high, but to be safe I didn't say that one to him, in case I change it again.  The pivotal hymn I heard on my mp3 player, and I felt that "pang", love at first hearing, which I just know is the Spirit telling me that this is the Word that He wants me to convey.  Another newbie for the church (but is around 17 years old).

We all agreed how good worship was this morning.  Can I keep this up? I asked the pastor.  Pray for more he said.  What I have to bear in mind is that this isn't by my own efforts.  Yes, I did pretty well in my previous career, by my own efforts, and was slapped hard when I failed to achieve the expectations that were required of me, a level that had been set by previous performance.  This is no performance, this is duty.  In some ways it is easier that my Creator is in charge, but I'll feel worse failing Him than the church.  I was actually slightly nervous this morning, and you know...I think this is a good thing....

Motivation

I'm feeling doubts creep in again.   I hope that some, if not all, of those feelings will be assuaged on Sunday.

There is an interesting blog post on Kingsway this week.  Is our worship costly?  I've always struggled with the concept of Worship Leaders receiving a salary, to me it seems natural that our payment for the sacrifice of praise is the knowledge we're doing His will.  But as I ponder this, I realise that we are the descendants of the Levites, who received a share of the offerings of the people, and Paul himself said that, although he did not personally get a salary from anyone, those who give full time to the church should receive due payment.  But I sometimes wonder why churches advertise for WLs.  If their church size justifies paying salaries to a team, surely they can look from within?  (Or perhaps they did, and failed)

I was pretty gratified though that the questions that Nikki asks of us in the third paragraph, I can say "Yes" to each one (just about, if I'm honest with one or two, need to work on that), except one which is not applicable (I don't receive a salary for what I do in the church).  If a WL answers "No" to three or more, they seriously need to examine themselves, and get their motivation right.

Money is not my motivation anymore, for anything.  Sure, I worry about money sometimes, in addition to not getting paid for my voluntary, and willing, servitude, the salary I get paid in the job I'm in now is the lowest possible, and I'm part time to boot.  I love my employer.  I won't say who they are (people close to me know) as I want to stay within the boundaries of their rules, and even though I could only say good things about them, they have plenty of trumpet blowing sites elsewhere and they can do it better than me.  Their motivation is their clients, and instilling that same attitude in their employees; the salaries are OK - nothing more, people are paid a fair salary for what they do, rather than other charities I could mention who pay overblown remuneration to try and motivate the best people into the vacancies.  Actually, I understand the latter's position; but to get yourself into the former position, successfully, makes you a world leader.

More than ever, I feel that something big is about to happen at our church.  It won't be small for much longer, and my rather conservative nature has to prepare for change.  Just so long God is in charge, we'll be OK - and won't implode.

Getting close to inspiration overload

OK - I half prayed for some fresh music for the church (particularly lively praise choruses)

I downloaded a worship album from Kingsway, and also bought 2 CD box sets of mixed worship from same, ripped and copied to my mp3 player.  It's pretty exciting switching on the player, as I haven't heard a lot of them before, a new adventure every day, as I have it on permanent shuffle.

Inevitably, there are some that I should remove from the player as they are far too contemporary for me, let alone the church, but this isn't the problem.  The problem is I hear one that sounds great, perfect even for introduction to the church, but I often don't have pen and paper handy and my memory is terrible.  So I'm going to have to carry a notepad around, and when I hear one that sounds good, to note it down to look up in my books later.  (There is an excellent chance of them being in any of the SOFs - being mostly Kingsway)

Three lively praise choruses have come out of my mp3 player in the last week, more than what we need going forward, also two or three slower worship and an absolutely gorgeous hymn.

I realised early on that the mp3 player really is an essential resource for the WL, coupled with SOF, a Source or two (Mission Praise is probably handy, but I personally don't have a copy), and anything the rest of the group have sitting in their garage.

It's all coming together.  I just hope He stops before my brain fries.  :-)

Oops

Attached the right file, but listed the wrong song in the email to the group.  They aren't even by the same WL, although I guess they are similar styles, they share one word,...oh yeesh, I'm making excuses for myself - one of them wasn't even in the running for consideration.

I'm laughing about it now, but I was having a mini panic in bed last night, until eventually I thought, this can surely wait..

..I really am changing.  If you think this is minor, you should have known me a year ago.

Growth and Gremlins

Worship this morning:

Praise Is Rising
Come, Now is the Time to Worship
 (shared some scripture: Ecc 10 v 4 and Eph 6.  When something is sitting heavily on my heart, I know it's the Spirit telling me to share it)

Oh, to See the Dawn
(some talk, communion and then gently leading to..)

Jesus, All for Jesus
Holy Spirit, How I Love You

Gremlins in the PA system today, leading PA man to command it out in the Name of Jesus.  Demon went quiet after that, or left.


A new experiment today, the last two were practically merged together, I was drifting back and forth between them as the Spirit led.  I find Jesus a bit difficult to lead as you can start and finish the verses anywhere, leaving the musicians confused as to which repeat was needed.  Needs some work....

I feel I'm being a bit too factual, maybe self critical, about a morning that was truly wonderful.  The Spirit fell at the end, a wind you could feel and hear as most of the congregation sung in the tongues of angels.  Also, it was good to see the church growing Hallelujah, there were a few extra bods there who may be back.  It truly is an exciting time for the church, and I now feel quiet, somewhat tired maybe, or concerned about tomorrow with my tooth getting seen to, maybe I'm cautious, apprehensive about the future?  I really wish I could read my emotions better.

More than ever, I feel myself growing too.  Next week's choruses are picked, and sent off, very early for me.  A newbie is again being introduced, a new-old favourite of mine - which I hope is as well received as Oh to See the Dawn was today.  He made the right choice.  As I knew He had.

Oh, and some Good News.  The worry over my Christian friend is over.  Praise God!

Upsetting the balance

Ecc 10: 4: If the spirit of the ruler rise up against thee, leave not thy place; for yielding pacifieth great offences. (KJV 1611)

Pondered on the above for a while last night and this morning.

So easy to give up isn't it?

A couple of things have rattled me lately, one of which is a broken tooth.  The other I won't go into here, it relates to someone who I have come to see as a true Christian friend; part of the reason is, I may break down in tears if I write about it.  Needless to say, I haven't shared it with anyone, even my SOH, so another reason is I'm not going to share it here, if I can't share it with him who can I?  Other than my Lord and Protector.  Even praying about it, I said, Lord I don't know how to pray about it, but you know.....I can feel myself welling up now so I'll stop, with this Scripture, Ephesians 6:14-18:

Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;  And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.  And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God:   Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints (KJV)


Thinking on happier things, practice went very well last night, the new hymn was well received.  We need some lively praise choruses, and I've asked for suggestions from the group.  We can't play the same old same old for too long, we need some mix.

Now, to take my mind of the broken tooth, I'm off to chose next week's - some indications have been made, but I haven't been able to focus properly, until today.

Hello all you happy people

No.

Daren't do it.

I just daren't get..excited...over this week's choruses.

There's a certain amount of anticipation and excitement over the returning flute and clarinet, I've missed both of them and it will be great to fellowship with them for a bit.

But excited over what has been put forward....I just daren't...

My SOH says that it's OK to expect, in fact you need to expect, because without expectation there is no faith.  But something deep down inside of me:

• Expects the worst so there is no disappointment (crappy crappy crappy attitude I have to shift)
• Reticent in expecting something good happening as it's a long way to fall if it all goes horribly wrong (related to above)
• Somehow thinks it's somewhat worldly to think that way.  After all, I'm just the instrument?  The clay?  The wood to be crafted?

So confused.  Something in my past has made me the first two.  I think I know what, in fact it's a mixture of occurences in my life which engendered an attitude of "The only one I can trust/call on is myself - and even then I've sometimes got the ansafone on."  So I turned to Jesus.  One I can trust.  Who never switches to Voicemail.  Hence attitude 3 which has seemed to have become resigned to the first two attitudes....

...or has it?  The battle is mine, saith the Lord.  I believe He'll win it.  Might just get me being "undignified".

Preparation, preparation, preparation

Worship this morning:

In heavenly armour
I stand amazed in the presence
Beautiful Lord, Wonderful Saviour
Here I am waiting (eagles wings)
I worship You, Almighty God

Prepare your hearts, prepare your souls, prepare yourselves.  The theme for this day, in fact, a theme that's been running in the church for a while.  Something big is about to happen, maybe a revival in the area, maybe some refining, whatever, it's going to be big.  Testified by a dream one of the regulars had, me stuck in Proverbs 30 for several nights, in the heart of the pastor, and a prophesy we had during service.

Someone started singing I just want to praise You after the official worship had finished, we all sang a capella, then I was moved to play Be Still, even without the words it was wonderful how many of them knew all the words.

Big things about to happen in the church, and our little worship group is playing a part.  It makes me feel very insignificant - but I feel very blessed - and our Mighty God is firmly in control.

Oh, and Glory, Hallelujah.  I'm introducing a new song next week, a hymn in fact, that is only just barely 5/6 years old.  Had confirmation today that at least one other in the group knows it.  I would probably have gone ahead even without this, but great I'll have at least one at next week's practice that can help the others learn.

...and change again...

Back to normal, says the pastor last night, he thought it might be too great a risk or something.  So the worship is back to the start of the service, and playing them last night with the group, it was all fine, they felt right.

Next month, there's going to be a union of sorts with another church in the area (the one my predecessor went back to).  Saturday worship at the other church, service at ours on Sunday, then the other way round in January.

I'm not sure how the music's going to be organised, and who's doing what.  Hey ho, go with the flow, as ever.

urk!*

Hmm.  Bit late with testing out the choruses this week, and all I can say is...."urk!"*

I could

a) Change them all (urk!*)
b) Ask the group, such as it is, to bring all chord sheets/music etc that we have done in recent weeks, throw them in a heap and see what comes out (urk!*)
c) Leave it to God and pray

c) seems the best option, not that I am particularly good at multiple choice.

I have an annoying headache that won't go away, so maybe because I am not firing on all cylinders it will all seem a lot better tomorrow.

The service is being turned on its head this week, the worship will be at the end.  Communion this week, I have been asked if I would consider playing a chorus during this, or PA man will play a CD.  The pastor made a suggestion, initially I thought "erhmmerr"** but I played it this evening and Bossman gave it the thumbs up (I know, because I feel it cut right into my heartstrings), so I said "OK Boss" and that one is in.  Whether I play it solo or not is up to the group.

* urk - a corruption of irksome.  The reaction to a rather irksome or troublesome problem that a mere mortal cannot possibly fathom, coupled with the fear that it could all go horribly wrong.  However, this word is only the equivalent of DEFCON1.

** erhmmerr - a disgruntled, rather negative reaction.  Shame on me.

When did this start happening?

Hello, all you happy people.

I like to think it started with Take Us To The River, a long forgotten, but oft-played on Premier Christian Radio '99/2000, but I think it started before that.

When I hear a song and something inside me starts leaping up and down in excitement.

If my personality was such, I would also be physically leaping up and down, but David I am not.  In fact, I suspect most see me as an incarnation of Droopy - my insides are very very happy, my countenance keeps cool.

I was a little concerned there was no real indication of the choruses for this Sunday (they're chosen, they feel right, so maybe it was a subtle Spirit nudge), then I got inspiration for the following Sunday, from a track on my mp3 player.  Mate, it got my insides boiling.  It's only about 5 years old, is it the right time to introduce it?

When the Spirit leads

Worship today:

Who Paints the Skies?
Father God I wonder
Above all Powers
Take me to the River
Jesus Christ (Once again)
All Hail the Lamb

Yes...long.  The Spirit took over about halfway through.

Generally, I pause after hymn/chorus 2 or 3 and ask for prayer or a word from the congregation.  I paused exactly halfway through, after Above all Powers.  Silence, until the pastor shared a testimony from Friday, then another got up and shared a story, then another.  I needed that long break and I just went with the flow, listening, drinking some water, giving a few words of comfort myself.  For this obedience I was rewarded with a wonderful second half of worship, culminating in a reward for the church with a tongue and interpretation; you don't get those often enough.

Somewhat slothful this week picking next week's - maybe I am suffering a bit of apathy as we're down to 3 until the week after, then I can perhaps bring in a couple of new ones that I'm hoping will sound great with the returning flute and clarinet (and maybe saxophone..this could get very interesting).  However, I promised our pianist a favourite of his, which fits well, I looked through Musescore earlier and I think I have them all now.

Further ponderance on the guitar; do I want to exchange the instrument that I know so well for one I will have to "break in", however versatile...?  Knowing how God can work sometimes, I think when I see it, and play it, I will just know.  It isn't me, or the instrument leading the worship though, and wonder just how important the guitar is, or me for that matter.  In the scheme of things, not much.  I'm not undervaluing myself - just stating reality. It's great I'm not alone.

On the way home from singing lessons yesterday, I thought how God has used my perceived weaknesses.  I'm not a born leader - in fact, I've always said the best power is from the back, and the leaders get hit first.  So God made me a worship leader.  I feel I'm not a good public speaker.  So I was led to do a message one Sunday.  I feel I am not a terrific musician - so God guides my fingers and has developed my voice.  I feel I am flighty, and lack discipline to pick the songs every week.  So God puts the desire in my heart to be disciplined and hardworking where this is concerned, and it is He that picks them, not me.  Either God has a sense of humour, or He sees something I don't.  Bit of both, methinks.

Reflection

Been a good week, a very good week.

Yes, went to Llandudno yesterday to see if I could try out a Freshman, in the flesh as it were.  Disappointingly, they didn't have a folk body in stock, and they are unlikely to in the near future.  The guy I spoke to said something which made sense at the time, but I can only be vague in explaining it; the folk shape on 12-strings is rather weak and he reckons that they couldn't quite get the strength/sound balance right.  I did try out it's bigger sister though...and she sounded absolutely gorgeous.  It was about £100 more than I wanted to pay, I'm not 100% happy with the machine heads and shape of the body, and it only has a pickup, not an inbuilt tuner as well.  SOH (who was set on me buying an Ovation or another Epiphone) said I was mad to walk away for very minor reasons - the sound he said, is all important, and he was impressed.  Guy in the shop was very keen to make a sale; offering £50 off of it, or the guitar plus a case for the listed price.  Again, SOH said I should have ripped his arm off :-)

I'm thinking it over for at least a week, I think I may try another music shop, but perhaps be not quite so picky on the "model", just be clear in my head what I do want from it.  It will be with me, I hope, for a long, long time, I want it to be right.

Practice went very well last night.  There are 6 lined up for this week, but we seem to be confident, so one less thing to worry about.  Not that I worry about stuff.  Oh no.  :-)

And another working week ends, sunny, very very hot, but here's to a blessed weekend, wherever you are.

Feel a little guilty...

I played my guitar a bit on Monday, just to check the submissions this week, one questionable one (maybe the key's too low), but I practiced for barely 20 minutes.  Didn't practice yesterday, the weather is absolutely glorious today, so maybe not this evening either.  Going out on a mission tomorrow (which may or may not include a new guitar), so I'm left with tiny windows in which to practice - tonight after sunset and maybe mid afternoon tomorrow.

After the service on Sunday, the clarinetist had a word from the Lord for me: "You're too hard on yourself" - but I don't want apathy to set in.  For the next couple of weeks, there's only 3 of us in the worship group, which may make things easier - or harder, depending on how well those two know the choruses I've picked.  Somehow I think having the larger group is easier, especially as I will be missing the flautist for two weeks - her good, strong, melody playing coupled with good rythmn.  (Rythmn is my weakness, and I frequently get the melody slightly wrong)

Hand it over to the Lord.  Wait.  Listen.  Hear.

Worship Central

A little aside today.

HMV are stocking Worship Central's Spirit Break Out, as of today.

It always makes me smile when a Christian track or CD makes it big, and I'm not talking Cliff Richard who built himself a huge fanbase in all age ranges.  The last one I vividly remember was "Shackles" and I wondered at the time how many people actually realised that the song, sounding like a Pop Idol submission, but irritatingly catchy, was Christian, as it doesn't actually mention God or Jesus at all.

However, this is oh-so-obviously Christian, and even in this day and age where there is room on the shelves due to the popularity of MP3 downloads, this is quite an achievement.  Good for them.

"Even the rocks will sing"

Worship this morning:

Come on and Celebrate
Jesus, Hope of the Nations
I will never be the same again
Take us to the river
Jesus, be the Centre

It's going to be difficult to put into words what happened this morning, and there is a lot to say.  Maybe I will manage to say it in one post, maybe postpone some until tomorrow, we'll see.

The pivotal hymn was Take Us To The River, and had a very good, nay, anointed, reception for our first time.   When I practiced it earlier this week I had that "tingle" which told me that the hymn was right for the week, and the choruses that were picked around it (and this took time to work out) slotted in perfectly.  The pastor has requested it for next week too - which may be a problem as all 5 have already been picked.  Something is telling me to still go ahead with what we have; there is no hymn next week, so I can shorten the last two choruses.

A couple of months ago, we had visitors from a satellite TV station.  The worship was just my predecessor, me, and the pianist.   The anointing that fell that night was incredible, so overwhelming I felt privileged to be part of it.

Which was exactly how I felt this morning as the anointing fell early on and built to a crescendo (earlier post, blessings come back at you via God when the congregation praise God during worship).

I needed it; that morning had started badly, and I couldn't help but think of my post yesterday which spoke of the eye of the hurricane.  I was prayed for before the service, and the clarinetist prayed that the worship would be so good even the rocks will sing.

The sound coming from the rocks was deafening.

During the last chorus, my fingers locked up as if arthritic or tired.  I could have prayed for the strength to return.  Instead, I wondered if God was trying to tell me to stop playing.  I stopped playing.  I sang.  Everyone stopped playing, apart from the flute.  Just the beautiful woodwind and our voices in harmony.  The Spirit flowed like a wind through the congregation.  How can I describe it?  Overwhelming love.

I noticed, fairly late in the week the pattern that emerged from the choruses this week, without me even realising it:

• The Rock who is Christ
• The Fire of the Spirit
• The Water that cleanses
• The Wind which revives

I could maybe say more, and I will be reflecting on today for a long time and just thankful to my Maker who blessed me, the group and the congregation this morning.  I have a feeling that later posts may further reflect on today.

Mama told me there'd be days like this

I don't know if I'm passing through the eye of a hurricane, or whether I have just endured one.  Whichever - I'm calmer, more focussed in the last couple of days.  (Post title is based on Van Morrison song)

The message at last night's Bible Study set off a maelstrom in my brain, and when it settled gave me overwhelming peace.   (A joke the pastor likes to share: "The message was terrible - it made me think.")

One of the key points was that we should aim to be like Nathanael, the Israelite in which there is no guile.  Or, as an actor once described Humphrey Bogart: "He is 100% of what he is, and that's rich."

Exactly what I should aim to be, up there, under a hot light (not a spotlight), playing a guitar, not acting, just directing the worship into the throne room of God.  Ponder that for too long and you could get scared.  Put your fear into God's hands and suddenly the meaning of the choruses become real to you.

I'm early with next week's choruses and hymns, and everything did fall into place (like a flick of a switch) - one pivotal hymn and an old chorus that I knew fit perfectly, and what did the pastor also say last night, after I had picked said chorus?  We should all act and believe we are part of God's family...the chorus that had been put on my heart so suddenly?  Father God I wonder.  Just try and tell me God wasn't in on that.

I made a difficult decision today to not take a music exam this autumn, and take it instead in the spring; tutor was fine with that, I'm going to spend the few months strengthening my voice for maybe a higher level.

It seems fitting I will post more about the testimony around this week's choruses tomorrow, and the pattern that emerged without me even realising it.  God is good.  All the time.  All the time, God is good.

Catchup and Pickup

Monday I was worrying about the song choices.  I think maybe I'll save that for a later post, because there's quite a testimony behind it.  The pivotal hymn is still there, but no less than 3 were dropped from the original lineup.

Anyway, for some time I've been thinking about getting a new guitar.  My current one does not have a pickup or tuner, although that isn't a problem for me or PA man, it would be a nice-to-have.  And although I do have all sorts of tuning implements, tuning 12 strings can be a pain.  Many a time I've sweated 5 minutes before start of play on Sunday trying to get them all sounding nicely in tune.

The current guitar could be converted, be sanded down and repolished, new bridge maybe and definitely new machine heads.  But.  I am rather emotionally attached to it as it is.  It's had a hard 6 months and I want to give it a holiday from being bashed around, doing a task that takes it to the very limit of the intended purpose.  For sentimental reasons, I do not want to change the very essence of what it is, and selling it would be unthinkable.  There's a lot of history in that guitar, it would be almost like chopping off a part of me - or getting Botox injections :-).  I'd lose something of myself if I sold it, or it wouldn't look like I wanted to remember it, even if it looked better - ugh maybe I haven't explained that too well, but I know what I mean.

This one looks a beauty, one fit for purpose and serious.  Not too expensive, not too cheap.  Tuner and pickup, the latter I will discuss with PA man, who recently installed a new setup.  Next Thursday (day off) I'm going to Llandudno to see if I can play one and see how it sounds.

Highs and lows

Just to get one thing straight at the beginning: a worship leader at no time should be thinking that it is by their own ability that they are riding a "high", and conversely, to never automatically think that it is by their own failings that they feel like they've crashed underneath a mighty wave.

I thought I could read my predecessor quite well.  If she sat down after worship looking like a smug cat, and the congregation were awake and alive, I knew she was feeling good about the day's work, she was riding a high.  If she slouched back to her seat after a quick nod to the rest of us to thank us for our input, she'd crashed into a low - the congregation just hadn't responded.
I know how she feels now, exactly how she feels.  If you've worked your guts out, or poured your whole soul and spirit it seems like into the week's worship, and the congregation have not responded well to it, it is so so easy to blame yourself and dip into the low.

But I'm learning something.  Worship leading isn't a "gig", "performance" or "show" it is a duty and even we forget sometimes.  Matt Redman fell into that hole once and wrote "Heart of Worship" as a result.  It becomes a testimony, but I don't think I want to experience that one - that said, I hope that the senior people at the church can be honest enough with me to say: "Fiona, this morning showed us your heart is all wrong with God.  Stop leading for a few weeks.  Get right with God."

So, you're right with God.  God anoints the WL, who in turn blesses the congregation, who in turn bless God, who in turn blesses the WL...and so on.  2 Corinthians something in action....7?...8?...can't remember and this particular puta is too slow to go to bible.com.  Anyway, you get my meaning. 

A minister I knew spoke of those statements in Psalms: "The fool has said in his heart, there is no God".  Although, yes, referring to the unbeliever, you could equally say anyone could say that there is no God.  Remove the italicised bit.  It becomes "No, God.  I don't want your blessing.  I'm too comfortable as I am." - this person is perhaps the biggest fool, but aren't we all guilty of it, at some time?

Your duty, as WL, is to be right, clean, with God, bestow the blessing through the music and hope that the congregation is receptive to say "Yes, God", because then the blessing comes right back atcha via God.  That's when you become the smug cat.

But don't be discouraged if it doesn't come back.  Maybe you weren't right for the day?  Or just maybe, the congregation weren't.  You've done your duty, and maybe the blessing will come later.  Endurance, perseverance, patience...do the tasks set to you faithfully and the reward will come, but don't be trying to prethink the motives, or actions, of God.

Uncertainty

I came from a stressful job, so I should be used to pressure.  Never thought I'd feel it in my personal/social life, rather than my worklife (which is pretty much stress free, a blessing in this day and age)

As always, there is a "pivotal" hymn this week, and others have been chosen to surround them.  They slotted in like someone pencilling in the last 5 numbers on a sodoku puzzle....apart from one.

I don't know the pivotal hymn very well, but as always I feel the Spirit saying..."You DARE take that out..", so I guess I'm going to be obedient and learn it properly.  But that one isn't really the problem, at hymn number 2.  It's chorus number 5.

Chorus number 4 is a beautiful Brian Doerksen which fits nicely with the previous 3, and I just know the time is right for it.  It is in D usually, but found it pitched too high, so brought it down to Bb.  A worship chorus I know (chorus number 5) also in Bb seems to fit OK but I'm not so sure it is comfortable around the rest of the family.  I then decided, actually, Bb is too low for the BD so am trusting God and my singing tutor - and bringing it back up to D.  Meaning that the last one really does have to be in D, but actually I can safely say although, praise God, my voice is improving so I can sing D and E5 without squeaking, I have to consider the pew-sitters (who will be sitting by that point).

But do I want to change it at this late-ish hour?  May have to delay my normal despatch by a day whilst I have a pray about it.

Drift and pray

Worship this morning:

I believe in Jesus
Jesus! the name high over all (shared some good news)
Light of the World (prayer)
I know a place, a wonderful place (drift to...)
Jesus, all for Jesus

It was good, I just get this feeling that God wants me to be more.  Somewhat more settled today, even if the PA system wasn't.  :-)

On a side note for next week - the series should have moved on, but in fact today's speaker wants to carry on the same vein next week from a different angle.  As I've said before, God tends to put a certain chorus or hymn on my heart and it builds from there.  The hymn this week was slightly on a tangent from the subject, or so I thought until I saw the theme emerging from the sermon this morning, and now find it is near perfect for next week.  The Spirit is amazing.

The biggest problem now is that I don't know the hymn that well, only hummed along to it before now.  Something inside me is telling me to persevere with it, as all the other choruses are ready.  Trouble is, Musescore is fighting back with it....thought just occurred to me - I don't actually need to do MS as I'm playing it in the key that is in SOF.

<sigh>  Trust.  I always seem to make things difficult for myself.

Praise through the hard times

I learned a lot of what I do now at the feet (almost literally, she stood, I sat) of a wonderful local worship leader.  She's been through it, and you know that sometimes we have to go through the fire - how can we be refined otherwise?

She spoke of a time when she was experiencing health and personal problems and was crying out to God, who said to her clearly, "But you've praised Me throughout this, haven't you?"  Yes, she said, the only thing that keeps me going and the only thing that I can do when everything else fails.

When the evil one tries to tighten the grip of fear, worry, tension, heartache, adversity, resentment (list is not exhaustible) praise God and the devil will flee, leaving Jesus to heal the wounds that have been left behind.

Thursday night practice, I thought beforehand that I couldn't make it through, yet once there, I felt 2 Chron 20 in action.  The battle is the Lord's: stand therefore, do what you can do, if you can speak, if you can sing, you can praise.  I don't know how much the group knew of what was going on with me, I can say that at least one person there knew most of the story and stayed throughout even though they didn't have to (we both know why he did; and I thank the Lord for him), I don't think the rest of them could tell.  And that's how it should be: you can't let it show, because the enemy gets in again.

I am tired though.  I have harder work in my personal life now, but what else can I do except pick up my guitar and sing praises to my King, who is carrying me through this?

Or maybe not

It's a good job I'm starting to get a bit more disciplined, and cautious, before sending the music out.  Laid all 5 choruses/hymns side by side in Musescore last night, ready to convert to .png files and found

• No one key was the same
• It was a bit heavy on one sentiment
• The "feel" of them together was all wrong (probably as a result of above)

Oh help.  Into the bedroom with guitar and music books, the Spirit in me desperately praying for an answer.  It came quickly, praise God, with a praise chorus in D, a hymn in Bb, and 3 worship choruses in D.  It's better to try and keep at least the last two choruses in the same key, because nothing sounds weirder, or is more uncomfortable, than a change of key close to the end.

What is interesting is that from the original selection, only 2 got dropped.  Looking back (they were picked just over a week ago) it was possibly a selfish impulse or a "that will do" attitude, not the Spirit that chose them.  The new ones (in the same key) coupled with another key change, and it's all sorted.  Felt close to crying, was it relief, or was He jumping for joy?  It can be either - wonderful feeling either way.

Confidence is a preference

Okay, I'm more together this week.  Musescores all done and just a couple of short chord sheets with minor key and aesthetic changes.

Still feeling a bit "meh" about some aspects of my life, and it's an attitude that has to change.  How I'm going to encourage the flame to burn again I'm not sure, maybe I'll find it in a Bible verse, or during some meditation, or even when I'm practising.

For sure, there is a lot of stuff that needs kicking into touch.  But then I think - doesn't everybody have hangups and stuff they don't like about themselves, and garbage that God wants to chuck out?  Trouble is, I've never been much good at spring cleaning....

Not by my strength

Worship this morning:

Praise is Rising
We Believe
All my Days
Into Your Hands
Holy Spirit, how I love You

And I did do the drift, merge and reprise that I blogged about yesterday, and it went well (although I lost the rythmn a bit).   No, it went more than well, it went great.  If I feel it's no longer me playing, my talent is limited, I know the Spirit has taken over.  It's incredibly humbling. 

Merging and drifting

Sometimes you can get two worship songs that just merge beautifully in the right way.  I'm not talking about those that can follow on directly from one another, I've done that a fair bit, I mean merge, when you drift from one to another then reprise the former and sometimes drift to the latter.

First attempt tomorrow - if the Spirit feels right.  I won't do it if the service doesn't seem to be going that way.  Would be a disappointment, but I figure I have some months, if not years, to get this right.

A worry at the moment is I'm feeling like I'm drifting spiritually, like I'm detached, like this is happening to someone else, that I'm being rather business like, duty bound if you will to do this, and horrors, having thoughts of dropping the whole thing out of "boredom".  I have had this before, many years ago, just before I backslid.  At least, I suppose, I'm recognising it this time, the old familiar thoughts, my old demons saying I'm not good enough, not worthy, this is a passing fad.

Lord, hold me tightly.  Don't let me go I plead.  But I know that He won't.  I originally wrote "this time", the old demons again, GO AWAY.  It wasn't He that let me go.  It was me that walked away.  I'm not going to walk away, I'm determined to be faithful.

Umm...just one...more...thing...

Make sure you get the melody right.

Just because you're used to singing something one way, doesn't mean it's the right way.

Listen to it on YouTube or the SOF CDs.  Saves embarassment.  :-)

Phew

4 chord sheets, 1 Musescore write up and 1 Musescore adjustment later, quick strum about and found they're pitched okay, and off they went to the group last night.

I like my choices this week, I think they are a good balance and fit together really well.  One of them is in rather begrudgingly because it is extremely difficult to lead effectively without the congregation trying to run away with it.  However - every time I tried to write it off the list, God found a place for it as choruses were re-arranged and re-chosen and still that "Praise Chorus/Hymn" gap remained.  As I believe He is trying to tell me something, I don't fight this any more.  If He's in there, it will go OK.

Got to pick the choruses for the final Friday, but this shouldn't take me too long, but I have actually picked the hymns/choruses for 18th September (I know what the theme is going to be), which was triggered by a song I heard on my MP3 player.  A couple of words about said MP3 player.  I only got it last week, and put 200 songs on it, most of which I had not heard as I didn't have time to listen to them on the CD - popped them on there so I don't have to hunt down my CD player and I can listen on my way to work.  Although my travel time isn't long (I get more of a chance if I go shopping 5 miles up the road on the bus, or when I go to singing lessons) it is proving to be an invaluable resource.  I heard the track, and discovered later it is around 20 years old (and helps that the person who wrote it is actually singing it, you get the artist's cut as it were, which is usually the best one), but I thought, oh this would be fab for the next installment of the series.

And if you're wondering why I always refer to choruses and hymns in the abstract, it's in case I change my mind (or God changes it) before the event.  Terribly anal I know, but I'm the worst for saying something will happen or be said and it all gets turned on its head.  Just lately, I've wanted to temper this.

Maybe not so much of a sacrifice...

I like to get everything, bar chord sheets out of the way Monday night, Tuesday night latest.  Had a bit of a lazy one this weekend, and besides, it's probably best if I leave Musescore etc alone on a Sunday to give my brain a break.

However - forgot (until a phone call last night) that I'm going out tonight (church business), and so this means that WL work is going to have to wait to Tuesday night - although I could probably get a fair bit this evening before going out.  Then there's practice.  I never take for granted that I can play something at a decent standard, and I like to do a little of that before sending off to the group, and of course to make sure it "sounds" okay, fits together nicely, I haven't given me and the other guitarist a ridiculous or hand twisting chord change, I can sing it without sounding like Kylie Minogue on helium, so forth, so fifth.

Asides that, I have to pick the choruses for Friday too, so I'm in for a busy week.  Could be awkward for other reasons that I won't go into here.  This blog is for recording my WL activities, not other stuff, beit church related or not.

So, giving up Friday night is perhaps not so much a sacrifice at all, more a necessity before something imploded.

Ministry worship

Worship today was:

Jesus is the Name we Honour
How Deep the Father's Love for Us
Beautiful Lord, Wonderful Saviour
I will Never be the Same Again
We Bow Down

We had a visiting speaker, and I was asked to play at the end during ministry.  The clarinet joined in and it sounded great:

I will Never be the Same Again
Be Still
Here I am waiting

Quiet crowd this morning, and some new faces.  For once, it was nearly standing room only; we put out about 50 chairs I guess, and nearly every one was occupied.  Word gets around when we have an international speaker who has a healing ministry.

Our church has never been one for having worship at the end of the service, but I agreed with the leader this morning that should there be "official" ministry at the end of the service, I won't wait to be asked, I'll just quietly go up there and do it.  Realised that it was the first time that this had happened whilst I have been WL, yet I was completely unfazed.  Praise God.

A sacrifice - or no?

Next Friday will be the last time I "officially" worship lead at Bible study, I've given it to the other guitarist.

Something inside me is sorry, it was where it all began, and I feel I haven't really been doing it that long.  (3 or 4 months maybe, last 12 weeks has been every other week with Alpha).

I think I could well miss it, and I suspect that there will be plenty of opportunities to pick up either Alpha or Bible study worship, when the said guitarist or the pianist who does Alpha can't do it for whatever reason.   There's something special about the "cosyness" of a small group singing simple choruses or well-loved hymns, very free and easy, away from the more prayerful picks for Sunday.

Actually, I'm already missing it.  But my time on worship leading just for Sunday are somewhere between 20 and 30 hours a week, approx the same again, if not more, than the hours I work in my day job.  Something's gotta give, and Friday night Bible study was it.  It also gives me the option of not going to either, if I'm just tired out and need some quality time with the one I love.  God - have I made the right sacrifice?

Many gifts, one body

1 Corinthians 12:12 For as the body is one, and hath many members, and all the members of that one body, being many, are one body: so also is Christ. KJV 1611

Paul was talking about gifts of the spirit, but this can apply to gifts or talents in the church.

Musicians, "technically", are higher up the pecking order in church heirarchy.  Doubtless, in Corinth, there was this "I prophesy, but you only speak in tongues, nyah nyah nyah" going on.

Each has their own gift, or talent, to give to God, via the church.  But to "puffeth oneself up" is wrong, causes division, and hurt in some cases.

Pride is something I fight with all the time.  I try to remind myself that I'm not doing this for me, or the church, primarily, I'm doing it for God.

Chorusstorming

It's like brainstorming, only you're looking for choruses and hymns.

If you know the sermon is more specific, you find a webpage on the subject, or you look at the chapter in the Bible.  You then write down every single chorus or hymn that comes to mind as you're reading.

I would say, try not to be too obvious, else it could end up cliched.  An extreme example would be The Lord's my Shepherd when the sermon is on Psalm 23.  Think about what Psalm 23 is saying, so, faith and trust, and think about choruses that invoke faith and trust.

The church is starting a "series" of sermons, and so far, I've gathered about 9 "chorusstorming".  I'll definitely try this again.

The PA man can

Above all, make friends with your PA man (or woman)

Okay, this is the house of God, but they could have had an argument with the spouse, or worse, the pastor's wife or church secretary.  They could have had 2 hours sleep or less due to some ailment or crisis, the equipment may be playing up and it hasn't had a service since Blair's first term, their car could have broken down and they arrived an hour late, you could have given them the wrong SOF numbers....(erhem)...

You get the picture.  They are human.  Tip them over the edge and you may just find that they can quite easily turn you off completely or make you sound like a wailing cat in a snowstorm.

Actually, I have a very good relationship with our PA man, and I haven't managed to naff him off yet.  I don't intend to.

Sorted

After the stress of yesterday, came home today and found I'm more confident with the newish chorus that is getting an outing this week, and changed the last chorus for one that I know standing on my head.

It just felt right when I finally cracked it, the relief was real.

Crisis of confidence

Happened before, will probably happen again, is happening now.

Songs picked, chord sheets done, Musescores done, sent off to group.

But.  Now I'm not so sure about my choices.  The last chorus doesn't feel slow, or worshipful enough.  I'm not sure it will create the right mood for the speaker.  I'm not confident in playing at least two of them.  Chord sheets are not up to scratch.

This happened a couple of months ago with the weekly Bible study.  I changed my mind because of a crisis in confidence with a chorus, and the worship ended up being a bit mediocre.  I should have stuck with my original chorus set.

There's a school of thought which says that it doesn't matter what you play, if the heart is directed at God, it will be as sweet smelling incense.  But playing "any old thing" which you're confident with doesn't sound like a sacrifice of praise.

I can change my mind right up to Thursday night, and no-one will be particularly grieved.  But it's bothersome to someone who wants to get it right first time.

I'll try mega practice, give it over to God, and be receptive to any change HE wants to make - I hope that He gives me that inspiration, or injects some confidence into me.

A quote to remember

"It’s not a matter of asking did God show up to our meeting. The question to wrestle with is this: did we show up to meet with God?" - Reuben Morgan.


Read more here.

Sing Hosanna

I am taking singing lessons now, and I'm confident my tutor can help me reach those elusive D, E and F5s, without the horrible warbles and squeaks.

I'm an alto, which is actually quite awkward in my position.  I am quite happy to sing around F3-A5 all day, but a congregation wouldn't.  So you need to achieve as close as possible to the perfect key, you can't lead by squeaking, or groaning.

Unfortunately, the leaders who wrote most hymns and choruses want to produce a song in a key which generates the most sound - and this would be soprano for the women, bass/baritone for the men.  Beautiful effect, but just like women are not all size 10 and not all men have size 14 feet, most untrained singers are comfortable C4-to C5, and you then need to find the key to suit you, and the congregation.

Difficult task.

This week I had to bring down two songs which are normally in G to Eb.  This can of course, cause problems to musicians, but this week is just me, the other guitar and the clarinet (who has to transpose anyway, in this case, I think it's F).  Darlene Zschech, inspired writer, but my gosh she does like to use B4-F5 frequently, and this makes transposing a minefield.  I had to bring one of hers down to F, but this caused a note as low as F3.  Needs must, sometimes.  You can, of course, with a well known song, allow the congregation and your support to carry you sometimes, but there's a danger of the congregation taking over.  At times like that I hand it to God, knowing He has it in control, even if my voice is losing it.