Why, when you're feeling your most unworthy, sinful, broken-hearted, useless (I'm sure a few out there could add more and then some)...
...does He start to pour out encouragement after encouragement and blessing after blessing?
In some ways, it makes me feel worse.
My feelings about this morning were largely unfounded. It was good actually, a peaceful service and different (thought I wouldn't want it every week)
The moment I walked in, I had someone encouraging me. Then I heard something that was a further, direct encouragement, shared with the congregation...
...then I got another after the service...
...then more when sitting in the canteen...
...uhhh...Boss, please I don't know how much of this I can take. I lost count of the fruit that was popping up after seeds thrown, some of it in a hissy fit.
Another special night coming up soon, I knew there had to be a reason for some of the revival and praise choruses I've been preparing lately.
God's got me too ashamed to be ashamed. If you get my drift. And if you do, explain it to me, I'm going to bed before I get a headache...
Sunday 29 April 2012
Friday 27 April 2012
Who's the Daddy?
For all sorts of reasons, I found myself weighing up whether or not to go to my regular place of worship this Sunday.
Some may think I'm throwing some sorta hissy-fit-strop if I don't turn up, but I really really really have my reservations about the program this Sunday. I decided that I'm going to have to pray in that it will work, and it will bless, despite what that may mean...
...but then again, I know I have two mortals that have admitted that they're my biggest fans. It's great to have backup in this life, tears spring to my eyes when I think of it, and I just see myself as so so blessed....
...so pray for it to be a success, because mortal conflict cannot get in the way of Daddy's Will. And turn up, because I believe He wants me to show visible support.
Back here, I said how renewed motivation had got me preparing choruses well in advance of ever needing them, well at the moment that not only includes that which we all should know, but more besides. In the past, I've ignored choruses that I feel don't suit our congregation. Now, if it packs a punch in my spirit, it's getting added to a work in progress list for Musescore, the words file AND chord sheet - I have disciplined myself to do these at the same time and write up the chord sheets as soon as I have no more than 6 or so pending. I feel strongly that doing all these more modern and slightly more contemporary choruses are not the waste of time I may have felt previously. This means the Boss is getting me prepared for something. I have some thoughts in mind of why He's doing this, in a nutshell, I think there are busy times ahead where I can do little, if any administration, because I'll need to be doing. How exciting is that?
But I'm making some wonderful discoveries, even amongst old choruses. It's like going through a jam-packed attic, lots of hard slog but with small rewards. I've "found" one which, if I manage to get through it without becoming a puddle (haven't managed it in practice yet), I feel strongly He has asked me to do as the "pivot" Sunday week - it is beautiful in its simplicity...yet over 20 years old! I heard it on a Christian radio station a few days ago, I completed what I needed to for me and group, it's all ready to go. God I think is reminding me not to neglect the old amongst the new, in a similar fashion I say to people 'Don't neglect the Old Testament, for the Old Testament is Jesus Christ concealed, the New is Jesus Christ revealed.' As such, old choruses still have the sparkle of annointing that came through the writer's fingers from the Boss.
All these blessings help me forget the realities of certain situations in my life, and trouble and heartache in particular from an area where I should not. But He constantly reminds me that He's in charge. I can't, I won't have it any other way.
Some may think I'm throwing some sorta hissy-fit-strop if I don't turn up, but I really really really have my reservations about the program this Sunday. I decided that I'm going to have to pray in that it will work, and it will bless, despite what that may mean...
...but then again, I know I have two mortals that have admitted that they're my biggest fans. It's great to have backup in this life, tears spring to my eyes when I think of it, and I just see myself as so so blessed....
...so pray for it to be a success, because mortal conflict cannot get in the way of Daddy's Will. And turn up, because I believe He wants me to show visible support.
Back here, I said how renewed motivation had got me preparing choruses well in advance of ever needing them, well at the moment that not only includes that which we all should know, but more besides. In the past, I've ignored choruses that I feel don't suit our congregation. Now, if it packs a punch in my spirit, it's getting added to a work in progress list for Musescore, the words file AND chord sheet - I have disciplined myself to do these at the same time and write up the chord sheets as soon as I have no more than 6 or so pending. I feel strongly that doing all these more modern and slightly more contemporary choruses are not the waste of time I may have felt previously. This means the Boss is getting me prepared for something. I have some thoughts in mind of why He's doing this, in a nutshell, I think there are busy times ahead where I can do little, if any administration, because I'll need to be doing. How exciting is that?
But I'm making some wonderful discoveries, even amongst old choruses. It's like going through a jam-packed attic, lots of hard slog but with small rewards. I've "found" one which, if I manage to get through it without becoming a puddle (haven't managed it in practice yet), I feel strongly He has asked me to do as the "pivot" Sunday week - it is beautiful in its simplicity...yet over 20 years old! I heard it on a Christian radio station a few days ago, I completed what I needed to for me and group, it's all ready to go. God I think is reminding me not to neglect the old amongst the new, in a similar fashion I say to people 'Don't neglect the Old Testament, for the Old Testament is Jesus Christ concealed, the New is Jesus Christ revealed.' As such, old choruses still have the sparkle of annointing that came through the writer's fingers from the Boss.
All these blessings help me forget the realities of certain situations in my life, and trouble and heartache in particular from an area where I should not. But He constantly reminds me that He's in charge. I can't, I won't have it any other way.
Wednesday 25 April 2012
...ping..!
Do I feel better after chatting with my friends?
Actually, fellowship does make you feel better, in any circumstance, in any walk. I still feel I'm at somewhat a turning point in my life, and if one small domino falls, it will cause a chain reaction I will be unable to stop, resulting in a major change in my life. Does this bother me? Yes, a bit. Do I believe God's in charge? Yes, I do, making my first question and answer seemingly unworthy, but I am only human, and don't we want to be in charge of our lives, really?
But I learned a lot from yesterday, even if, spiritually I still feel a bit battered, I'm just going to have to hang in there. Then one of them said something, which, when I pondered on later I thought....
...A-HA...NOW it makes sense
It was somewhat comforting to find out something about a key thing that was bothering me, a purely human element, which I now need to work out how to handle.
Do I stand up to it?
Do I pray my way through it?
Do I endure and suffer it?
..or do I leave? (Last resort)
I know my calling. I have never been so sure of it. The advice is to stand by this belief, and dig in. Can't say I won't come back here and winge occasionally....
Actually, fellowship does make you feel better, in any circumstance, in any walk. I still feel I'm at somewhat a turning point in my life, and if one small domino falls, it will cause a chain reaction I will be unable to stop, resulting in a major change in my life. Does this bother me? Yes, a bit. Do I believe God's in charge? Yes, I do, making my first question and answer seemingly unworthy, but I am only human, and don't we want to be in charge of our lives, really?
But I learned a lot from yesterday, even if, spiritually I still feel a bit battered, I'm just going to have to hang in there. Then one of them said something, which, when I pondered on later I thought....
...A-HA...NOW it makes sense
It was somewhat comforting to find out something about a key thing that was bothering me, a purely human element, which I now need to work out how to handle.
Do I stand up to it?
Do I pray my way through it?
Do I endure and suffer it?
..or do I leave? (Last resort)
I know my calling. I have never been so sure of it. The advice is to stand by this belief, and dig in. Can't say I won't come back here and winge occasionally....
Tuesday 24 April 2012
Highest calling
"In my opinion the role of the worship leader is one of the highest callings anyone could receive. As such, make sure the desire of your heart is not for a position or a church appointment but rather that you might glorify and worship God in everything you do. Forget about status. Forget about leadership. You cannot be ambitious as a worship leader because your role is to decrease that He might increase." Robin Mark
This short article touched me to the core. You can read all of it here.
This short article touched me to the core. You can read all of it here.
Sunday 22 April 2012
On duty
Worship this morning:
Hosanna!
Open the eyes of my heart, Lord
God Forgave my Sin (Freely, Freely)
Take Us to the River
Jesus, my Strength
I felt adequate, not much more, He knew (and they probably knew too) that my heart is somewhat off centre at the moment. It felt good to sing the Robin Mark one again, one of my favourites to listen to as well (I have The Mandate version, done when it was still quite new. You can hear the anointing falling) I managed to shake off the melancholia, and I feel OK today, I'm just considering what to say to and what to ask my friend in a couple of days. I pray that they can help, maybe practically, and spiritually, they've already sorted out one problem that I had with the logistics of the meeting.
I've never had friends like this before. I feel blessed in that regard.
I'm not worship leading next Sunday, another slightly sore point, but basically Bossman has something else planned...and...well, let's just say I'm not particularly convinced by the wisdom. Maybe its me.
Saturday 21 April 2012
The old old story
I now realise that I've been burying feelings, rather than talking them out with the people that matter. I don't know if I can cope any more with these roller-coaster feelings.
A friend has agreed to help. I'm not expecting a quick fix, but maybe before the end of next week I'll have more of an idea of what to do going forward.
I realised today, that exactly one year ago today, was the practice session for a newly formed worship group for our church, which I was part of, and my predecessor led. That bittersweet thought brought the emotions up again...
And - is it me? - but the new Blogger interface is awful. I want the old one back.
A friend has agreed to help. I'm not expecting a quick fix, but maybe before the end of next week I'll have more of an idea of what to do going forward.
I realised today, that exactly one year ago today, was the practice session for a newly formed worship group for our church, which I was part of, and my predecessor led. That bittersweet thought brought the emotions up again...
And - is it me? - but the new Blogger interface is awful. I want the old one back.
Sunday 15 April 2012
Lead us in unity
Today, I went with the right attitude, a renewed spirit and a sense of expectation. I was not disappointed.
The leader said that God was going to meet with every one of us today. He did.
It was the most wonderful Sunday service I have ever been to, and I felt privileged to play a part in it.
Worship:
These are the days of Elijah
Seek ye First
The Lord's My Shepherd (Townend version)
Beautiful Lord, Wonderful Saviour
I Worship You, Almighty God
The leader covered practically all of the doctrine we were going to sing about, before worship, and he had no idea what the choruses were going to be. I was also asked to play The Lord's My Shepherd again, before the message. Unheard of. But the speaker said it fit the message perfectly, which it did.
The leader then wanted some music after the message. (Again, extremely rare in our church). God had already inserted one into my heart before the end of the message:
My Hope is Built (Christ the Solid Rock)
Someone said to me shortly afterwards that the cong were in spiritual unity this morning, it felt absolutely incredible. MORE! I want more of this. I want to be part of this. There's exciting things about to happen as this church moves on to another stage in its life. It is just so so awesome.
I'm not doing justice to today, I am such a poor writer. I wish I could reveal how my spirit feels today in a painting or song that would express a thousand, ten thousand words...
The leader said that God was going to meet with every one of us today. He did.
It was the most wonderful Sunday service I have ever been to, and I felt privileged to play a part in it.
Worship:
These are the days of Elijah
Seek ye First
The Lord's My Shepherd (Townend version)
Beautiful Lord, Wonderful Saviour
I Worship You, Almighty God
The leader covered practically all of the doctrine we were going to sing about, before worship, and he had no idea what the choruses were going to be. I was also asked to play The Lord's My Shepherd again, before the message. Unheard of. But the speaker said it fit the message perfectly, which it did.
The leader then wanted some music after the message. (Again, extremely rare in our church). God had already inserted one into my heart before the end of the message:
My Hope is Built (Christ the Solid Rock)
Someone said to me shortly afterwards that the cong were in spiritual unity this morning, it felt absolutely incredible. MORE! I want more of this. I want to be part of this. There's exciting things about to happen as this church moves on to another stage in its life. It is just so so awesome.
I'm not doing justice to today, I am such a poor writer. I wish I could reveal how my spirit feels today in a painting or song that would express a thousand, ten thousand words...
Friday 13 April 2012
Housekeeping
This week, I think I have worked more WL hours than actual employed working hours (i.e. my day job)
Not at the same time though.
I'm learning new stuff, even making my own arrangements, God has tapped a part of me that I didn't know existed, a miniscule amount of creativity. Gasp.
I've been taking advantage of the renewed motivation by comparing what I know against what the cong potentially know, and vice versa, what I need to do with Musescore, Chord Sheets, Powerpoint etc. It's an outline only, the more technical stuff will come after I've finished organising, I could be a while.
Keeps the brain occupied but, much like cleaning your house from top to bottom, not especially interesting, except when you find a chorus with interesting or motivating words and you wonder whether it may be needed soon....
...there's interesting stuff going on in the Kingdom at the moment, particularly in the area of the world I live in. Slowly, I'm watching things click into place like the solving of a jigsaw puzzle and it's strangely mesmerising. I was somewhat disappointed to learn last night that a regular "awayday" from our church (run by a speaker described as an "apostle" by Bossman) is not going to be held at the normal location, a location that has an incredible annointing. It's a shame, that, when stuff is occurring that the building isn't going to play a part...
But then I had to smile as it sunk in today - the location it will be held is almost like taking over another turf. A new place to wave a flag. A new experience. No-one has exclusivity to it, it can be overcome for 5-6 hours, and a few hours after we finish another group will come in to where we once were...
...perhaps I should stick around, it could be interesting. Anyway, it will be a few months away, and I'm spouting what must sound like gibberish to most. I prefer to be abstract.
Bizarre things going on in my blog stats as well. Any normal bloggers reading experiencing this, rather than the ubiquitous web bots, which I know, like termites, are just itching to nibble at traffic (or lack of, in my case)?
Not at the same time though.
I'm learning new stuff, even making my own arrangements, God has tapped a part of me that I didn't know existed, a miniscule amount of creativity. Gasp.
I've been taking advantage of the renewed motivation by comparing what I know against what the cong potentially know, and vice versa, what I need to do with Musescore, Chord Sheets, Powerpoint etc. It's an outline only, the more technical stuff will come after I've finished organising, I could be a while.
Keeps the brain occupied but, much like cleaning your house from top to bottom, not especially interesting, except when you find a chorus with interesting or motivating words and you wonder whether it may be needed soon....
...there's interesting stuff going on in the Kingdom at the moment, particularly in the area of the world I live in. Slowly, I'm watching things click into place like the solving of a jigsaw puzzle and it's strangely mesmerising. I was somewhat disappointed to learn last night that a regular "awayday" from our church (run by a speaker described as an "apostle" by Bossman) is not going to be held at the normal location, a location that has an incredible annointing. It's a shame, that, when stuff is occurring that the building isn't going to play a part...
But then I had to smile as it sunk in today - the location it will be held is almost like taking over another turf. A new place to wave a flag. A new experience. No-one has exclusivity to it, it can be overcome for 5-6 hours, and a few hours after we finish another group will come in to where we once were...
...perhaps I should stick around, it could be interesting. Anyway, it will be a few months away, and I'm spouting what must sound like gibberish to most. I prefer to be abstract.
Bizarre things going on in my blog stats as well. Any normal bloggers reading experiencing this, rather than the ubiquitous web bots, which I know, like termites, are just itching to nibble at traffic (or lack of, in my case)?
Sunday 8 April 2012
Take me, mould me, use me, fill me
Worship this morning:
Christ the Lord is Risen Today
There is a Redeemer
All Heaven Declares
Abba Father
Some very old ones there, and during prayer my insides started to shake as I felt an uncontrollable urge to play another very old one:
Peace Like a River
Sorry group. I caught them on the hop, but Praise God for the PowerPoint file.
An excellent Easter message today, anointed and full of expectation...
But the above is only half the story of the weekend. Today, our triumphant Holy Day, the Day of the Resurrection of our King, my Lord Jesus has also resurrected my heart.
I have been troubled all week, an overwhelming sense of worthlessness and resentment over a number of things that have occurred within my life and the church. Despite the miracle of last week I was just getting lower and lower....
Friday I was leading worship. I was completely...competent. My heart just wasn't in it. I played. I sat down. I was thanked for it. They were the right choruses, but I was still in a troubled state...
...then towards the end of the meeting (fortunately, after Communion, else I could have been in real trouble) I learned something that got me very very angry with a senior member of the church. I fought with it, not really being very successful with hiding my resentment, and just barely keeping my mouth shut, else I would have exploded. I wrestled with it further during the evening and night.
Overnight, I made a decsion: Easter was to be my last session as WL. I had had enough. My attitude alone was wrong, along with my resentments, what place did they have in kingdom ministry? I knew that I was teetering on the wilderness. It was, as far as I was concerned, 5 seconds to midnight. Only an intervening miracle could save me....
Mark 11. Verses 23-26. Herein my miracle and also the solution. Go have it out with the person I have ought, and go tell that Goliath mountain called Resentment to shift.
I did so, and over the course of that afternoon, and evening (there was a Holy Spirit/Revival meeting in another church - I wasn't going to go, but was glad I did. Maybe more on that another time, but from another angle) I laid WL on the altar. Jesus told me to take it back, for His Blood is sufficient. I forgave the person. I told them so. We hugged, reconciled.
I woke up with a resurrected heart. I have never felt so good, so motivated, so alive. I repented of my attitude, and that I even considered giving in. Never again will I doubt His Will in my life.
Maybe it is just another round in boxing bout. But Christ has won this victory.
He is risen! Hallelujah!
Christ the Lord is Risen Today
There is a Redeemer
All Heaven Declares
Abba Father
Some very old ones there, and during prayer my insides started to shake as I felt an uncontrollable urge to play another very old one:
Peace Like a River
Sorry group. I caught them on the hop, but Praise God for the PowerPoint file.
An excellent Easter message today, anointed and full of expectation...
But the above is only half the story of the weekend. Today, our triumphant Holy Day, the Day of the Resurrection of our King, my Lord Jesus has also resurrected my heart.
I have been troubled all week, an overwhelming sense of worthlessness and resentment over a number of things that have occurred within my life and the church. Despite the miracle of last week I was just getting lower and lower....
Friday I was leading worship. I was completely...competent. My heart just wasn't in it. I played. I sat down. I was thanked for it. They were the right choruses, but I was still in a troubled state...
...then towards the end of the meeting (fortunately, after Communion, else I could have been in real trouble) I learned something that got me very very angry with a senior member of the church. I fought with it, not really being very successful with hiding my resentment, and just barely keeping my mouth shut, else I would have exploded. I wrestled with it further during the evening and night.
Overnight, I made a decsion: Easter was to be my last session as WL. I had had enough. My attitude alone was wrong, along with my resentments, what place did they have in kingdom ministry? I knew that I was teetering on the wilderness. It was, as far as I was concerned, 5 seconds to midnight. Only an intervening miracle could save me....
Mark 11. Verses 23-26. Herein my miracle and also the solution. Go have it out with the person I have ought, and go tell that Goliath mountain called Resentment to shift.
I did so, and over the course of that afternoon, and evening (there was a Holy Spirit/Revival meeting in another church - I wasn't going to go, but was glad I did. Maybe more on that another time, but from another angle) I laid WL on the altar. Jesus told me to take it back, for His Blood is sufficient. I forgave the person. I told them so. We hugged, reconciled.
I woke up with a resurrected heart. I have never felt so good, so motivated, so alive. I repented of my attitude, and that I even considered giving in. Never again will I doubt His Will in my life.
Maybe it is just another round in boxing bout. But Christ has won this victory.
He is risen! Hallelujah!
Thursday 5 April 2012
The Kingdom Clock
I offloaded some of my concerns to a good Christian friend yesterday, and was relieved to have him back me up for most of it. It's nice to know you're not alone, and he's closer to my age than most others I know...
Some people just want to fast forward the Kingdom Clock, or at least have the pendulum move a little quicker. It doesn't work like that.
The Race, it seems to me, will be a dead heat. And God will make sure of that. He doesn't need anyone to make it go any quicker than it is.
And everyone has their own pace.
Some people just want to fast forward the Kingdom Clock, or at least have the pendulum move a little quicker. It doesn't work like that.
The Race, it seems to me, will be a dead heat. And God will make sure of that. He doesn't need anyone to make it go any quicker than it is.
And everyone has their own pace.
Sunday 1 April 2012
Kicking...
Last night was...
...um...
...well, the worship was really good. Not like running through treacle at all. Far from it. No, it was a fabulous experience and at times I felt like I was soaring, this, I know, is what worship should be like.
But I do have a sense of unease about the whole shebang last night, which in the words of the wise or maybe the cowardly, I won't go into here.
How ungrateful about all this do I sound? I experienced a real miracle this week. God told me I needed to do one last thing yesterday afternoon, and I learned a new chorus which I realised was my testimony for the week. I enjoy learning a new one, once I get into it, me, my mp3 player and the 12-string. I got up, and realised that I was completely healed.
Wow. This really is God In Action. And I really am so so grateful.
A certain someone did recognise that I was a little unsettled today, and he asked me. I said it would take me half an hour or more to explain, some other time I said, or I'll put it in an email.
I am just so confused, maybe I'm tired, maybe all this has left me exhausted again, but again I feel like I'm kicking against the pricks. Maybe I'm wrestling where I don't need to wrestle, I just need to Let.
Anyway. Worship this morning:
Strength Will Rise
O Lord my God (How Great Thou Art)
Light of the World
Purify my Heart
We Bow Down
I felt like I fluffed some of this, it just didn't feel right, or maybe I just wasn't right.
I need to pray into this.
...um...
...well, the worship was really good. Not like running through treacle at all. Far from it. No, it was a fabulous experience and at times I felt like I was soaring, this, I know, is what worship should be like.
But I do have a sense of unease about the whole shebang last night, which in the words of the wise or maybe the cowardly, I won't go into here.
How ungrateful about all this do I sound? I experienced a real miracle this week. God told me I needed to do one last thing yesterday afternoon, and I learned a new chorus which I realised was my testimony for the week. I enjoy learning a new one, once I get into it, me, my mp3 player and the 12-string. I got up, and realised that I was completely healed.
Wow. This really is God In Action. And I really am so so grateful.
A certain someone did recognise that I was a little unsettled today, and he asked me. I said it would take me half an hour or more to explain, some other time I said, or I'll put it in an email.
I am just so confused, maybe I'm tired, maybe all this has left me exhausted again, but again I feel like I'm kicking against the pricks. Maybe I'm wrestling where I don't need to wrestle, I just need to Let.
Anyway. Worship this morning:
Strength Will Rise
O Lord my God (How Great Thou Art)
Light of the World
Purify my Heart
We Bow Down
I felt like I fluffed some of this, it just didn't feel right, or maybe I just wasn't right.
I need to pray into this.
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