I'm still suffering a little, I can safely say I've had better months...tests are coming up negative which is good, of course...
The other day, I drafted a post, a rant really, with something that was going on in the media; in the end I decided it linked me too closely with specific events and people and I really don't want to drag them into it, it isn't fair. Also, I realised, with a heavy heart, humans will be humans and some of them will never listen, even if they are told plainly. Jesus had that problem too. So I deleted the draft post, and I'm glad it never made it into whatever cloud if was heading for, as it may have bit me on the bum later.
Anyway, it is somewhat humbling to hear of acts of courageousness in my local area, suffering the worst flooding for some years. It's now just the sweeping up. I feel like I've been thrown about myself, drowning in hurt, self pity and bitterness...now it's just the cleaning up. He's listened to my rant, I now just have to let go. And slowly, I am.
There are outreach sessions coming up, and although I am ready for them (bizarrely, the choruses aren't really very Christmassy) I cannot take for granted that I will lead worship, anything could happen. If He asks it of me, He will sustain me. Such is my state of mind I take nothing for granted anymore. I'll still go to them of course, they seem to be my only bread and butter nowadays.
I have to find a church.
Friday 30 November 2012
Wednesday 28 November 2012
Kingsway 27th November
Don't ask.
Title: The Light of the World
First Line: The Light of the world
Artist: fairly certain it's Kristyn Getty...
Composer: Stuart Townend and J.K Jamieson
Album: Creation Sings
Mp3: Yes
Sheet Music: Yes
Popular sources: None
My thoughts: What can I say? It's nearly Advent, so it must be time to dust off a Townend or two (cue heavenly choir - ahhhhhhh!) and this is typical fare, sounding all, um...'Celticky' - if I'm allowed to turn it into a verb. Yes, it's good, and yes I like it, but I'm not going to rush to transcribe it or type out a chord sheet. I was surprised that I couldn't find this on my CCL CD though, given it's (apparently) 3 years old already. Perhaps it's a demand thing.
Also starting this week, Kingsway are releasing 5 Christmas choruses/hymns and I'll get round to listening to them at some point. Townend and Getty's Joy Has Dawned and Brenton's Joyful Joyful I am familiar with (and are very good I hasten to add), not sure about the other 3 as I can't remember if I've heard them before or not.
This song is available on Kingsway from today until 3rd December inc. To access, you must logon; or register with Kingsway, who in return will add you to their mailing list, but they are not serial spammers.
Title: The Light of the World
First Line: The Light of the world
Artist: fairly certain it's Kristyn Getty...
Composer: Stuart Townend and J.K Jamieson
Album: Creation Sings
Mp3: Yes
Sheet Music: Yes
Popular sources: None
My thoughts: What can I say? It's nearly Advent, so it must be time to dust off a Townend or two (cue heavenly choir - ahhhhhhh!) and this is typical fare, sounding all, um...'Celticky' - if I'm allowed to turn it into a verb. Yes, it's good, and yes I like it, but I'm not going to rush to transcribe it or type out a chord sheet. I was surprised that I couldn't find this on my CCL CD though, given it's (apparently) 3 years old already. Perhaps it's a demand thing.
Also starting this week, Kingsway are releasing 5 Christmas choruses/hymns and I'll get round to listening to them at some point. Townend and Getty's Joy Has Dawned and Brenton's Joyful Joyful I am familiar with (and are very good I hasten to add), not sure about the other 3 as I can't remember if I've heard them before or not.
This song is available on Kingsway from today until 3rd December inc. To access, you must logon; or register with Kingsway, who in return will add you to their mailing list, but they are not serial spammers.
Wednesday 21 November 2012
Puzzles
I'm still feeling a bit rough, but I've found the best thing to take my mind off of the ailments is a good puzzle. And not the one in your local newspaper, or a book from a newsagent shelf. No, a mystery or pattern to solve in your head.
It's a trait I inherited from both parents, although I think my father would maintain I got it from my mother, both love a good think.
I was getting out of my depth in 2 Corinthians, and decided to read Genesis. I love Genesis. I always get something new out of it, and the scientific side of me has a multitude of thinking possibilities in just the first two chapters.
But if I get fed up blowing my mind with that, there are the two outreach sessions next month which I am assuming I am leading worship for (there is always an outside chance that I won't) so I'm doing some prep now.
Preparing worship is like a puzzle and the pieces have to slot in perfectly. Too many worship leaders seem to chuck a few choruses together. I did that last week, and the outcome was certain: mediocre. No, I want these two to be special, but I also want them to be unique. I feel a couple of choruses the Spirit has told me to play, and are non negotiable. I now have to slot in the rest.
I'm loving this. Oh, yes, frustrating, because I've been thinking this over for some days, nearly getting there, but not quite, re-arranging, seeing that it's still not right yet, moving, key changing, singing in my head (and out loud), practising in my head...
...you may think that this is all perhaps wasted time and self inflicted aggro. But, when I feel a bit under the weather, it is, seriously, like medicine to me.
It's a trait I inherited from both parents, although I think my father would maintain I got it from my mother, both love a good think.
I was getting out of my depth in 2 Corinthians, and decided to read Genesis. I love Genesis. I always get something new out of it, and the scientific side of me has a multitude of thinking possibilities in just the first two chapters.
But if I get fed up blowing my mind with that, there are the two outreach sessions next month which I am assuming I am leading worship for (there is always an outside chance that I won't) so I'm doing some prep now.
Preparing worship is like a puzzle and the pieces have to slot in perfectly. Too many worship leaders seem to chuck a few choruses together. I did that last week, and the outcome was certain: mediocre. No, I want these two to be special, but I also want them to be unique. I feel a couple of choruses the Spirit has told me to play, and are non negotiable. I now have to slot in the rest.
I'm loving this. Oh, yes, frustrating, because I've been thinking this over for some days, nearly getting there, but not quite, re-arranging, seeing that it's still not right yet, moving, key changing, singing in my head (and out loud), practising in my head...
...you may think that this is all perhaps wasted time and self inflicted aggro. But, when I feel a bit under the weather, it is, seriously, like medicine to me.
Tuesday 20 November 2012
Kingsway 20th November
Title: Kingdom Come
First Line: Even when the waters rise
Artist: Soul Survivor
Composer: Beth Croft
Album: Kingdom Come
Mp3: Yes
Sheet Music: Yes
CCL: Probably. Eventually.
Popular sources: None
My thoughts: I was ready to be a teensy bit critical of this, maybe it's just the mood I'm in. I think to myself, it's all very well saying lets write music that speaks to the yoof because they will carry this on after us and quite right too, but what about that middle ground of the beentheredonethatgotthetshirt brigade such as me, middle aged, still thinking Matt Redman is hip and happ'nin? Having repented of that, and started to listen properly, I thought, this sounds too much like a track to be performed, rather than a chorus for a group to join in with. Then I started reading the words and realised, yet again, that this chorus is rather appropriate to my situation at the moment. I didn't weep, I just mused on how He does that a lot, because this means that I'll have to say that this one is quite good and rather special. No, I should be honest. I like it. I don't absolutely love it. It grew on me, it has a great hook anthem that will get anyone from 8 to 80 humming, and frankly, that's pretty OK for anyone.
This song is available on Kingsway from today until 26th November inc. To access, you must logon; or register with Kingsway, who in return will add you to their mailing list, but they are not serial spammers.
First Line: Even when the waters rise
Artist: Soul Survivor
Composer: Beth Croft
Album: Kingdom Come
Mp3: Yes
Sheet Music: Yes
CCL: Probably. Eventually.
Popular sources: None
My thoughts: I was ready to be a teensy bit critical of this, maybe it's just the mood I'm in. I think to myself, it's all very well saying lets write music that speaks to the yoof because they will carry this on after us and quite right too, but what about that middle ground of the beentheredonethatgotthetshirt brigade such as me, middle aged, still thinking Matt Redman is hip and happ'nin? Having repented of that, and started to listen properly, I thought, this sounds too much like a track to be performed, rather than a chorus for a group to join in with. Then I started reading the words and realised, yet again, that this chorus is rather appropriate to my situation at the moment. I didn't weep, I just mused on how He does that a lot, because this means that I'll have to say that this one is quite good and rather special. No, I should be honest. I like it. I don't absolutely love it. It grew on me, it has a great hook anthem that will get anyone from 8 to 80 humming, and frankly, that's pretty OK for anyone.
This song is available on Kingsway from today until 26th November inc. To access, you must logon; or register with Kingsway, who in return will add you to their mailing list, but they are not serial spammers.
Monday 19 November 2012
Storms
I've been reading some Andrew Murray (no, not the tennis player, the South African preacher) and I realised that the sermon that I had alighted upon was speaking into my life. He was talking about Peter and his "crisis of faith" and "conviction of sin" at the moment he realised that he had denied Christ three times as predicted...
...and yet He still loved Peter. The Peter at the gate became a different Peter at Pentecost when he gave it all over and received an infilling of the Holy Spirit.
When we finally realise we haven't given it all, that we are still fighting with our flesh not His Spirit, only then, I think, can the true healing begin.
I've had an extremely difficult week. I did have an enjoyable bit of fellowship Saturday evening - but over the phone. They said to me they always prefer phone calls, so that's something I've now firmly noted. The Saturday outreach was difficult, but well received. I know that I didn't put a lot of effort into it, and you only get out what you put in. Even the secular world recognises that. Or at least, the sensible and unselfish ones do.
Yes - I went to church yesterday, and I was weeping all the way through. I am having a tough time, yet I haven't really admitted it to anyone. With all the various aches and pains I've suffered over the years, from mild to utterly excrutiating, nothing compares to a hurting heart that just wants peace and rest. I'm not sure the church I'm going to is for me. The gospel is excellent, but I'm missing the Pentecostal worship.
Even so, the message was clearly be still, let go, and receive...much like what I read of Murray later.
I am not going to give up, though I am sorely tempted. He never gave up on me. It would be unthinkable, wrong to give up on Him. Now is the time for standing on the promise, and to weather the storm.
...and yet He still loved Peter. The Peter at the gate became a different Peter at Pentecost when he gave it all over and received an infilling of the Holy Spirit.
When we finally realise we haven't given it all, that we are still fighting with our flesh not His Spirit, only then, I think, can the true healing begin.
I've had an extremely difficult week. I did have an enjoyable bit of fellowship Saturday evening - but over the phone. They said to me they always prefer phone calls, so that's something I've now firmly noted. The Saturday outreach was difficult, but well received. I know that I didn't put a lot of effort into it, and you only get out what you put in. Even the secular world recognises that. Or at least, the sensible and unselfish ones do.
Yes - I went to church yesterday, and I was weeping all the way through. I am having a tough time, yet I haven't really admitted it to anyone. With all the various aches and pains I've suffered over the years, from mild to utterly excrutiating, nothing compares to a hurting heart that just wants peace and rest. I'm not sure the church I'm going to is for me. The gospel is excellent, but I'm missing the Pentecostal worship.
Even so, the message was clearly be still, let go, and receive...much like what I read of Murray later.
I am not going to give up, though I am sorely tempted. He never gave up on me. It would be unthinkable, wrong to give up on Him. Now is the time for standing on the promise, and to weather the storm.
Wednesday 14 November 2012
Looking back...
...is never a good idea.
I mean, look what happened to Lot's wife.
I may post Kingsway's offering later, or tomorrow..perhaps. I had a Bad Day yesterday, and today is the aftermath.
I looked back. I asked and I got an answer. I rattled off an angry email, rattling the recipient, and they ended up thinking the anger was aimed at them. It wasn't. I was angry with a number of people, but not them. I've sorted out that friendship, (I think) frankly it would be very difficult to create too large a chasm between us, because that's the type of person they are.
Hands stretched out in front, not looking behind.
I know I need to move on. The temptation to bury the pain I feel...it's too easy to do that which I did in the past. I know now - pain, resentment, anger, bitterness, they are fertile and rampant seeds that grow as weeds and thorns, and get in the way of the good seed, or choke the plants that grow.
I need to forgive. I need to be cleansed. I need to be healed. In that order.
Receiving hands, stretched out in front, not looking behind, and definitely no digging.
I mean, look what happened to Lot's wife.
I may post Kingsway's offering later, or tomorrow..perhaps. I had a Bad Day yesterday, and today is the aftermath.
I looked back. I asked and I got an answer. I rattled off an angry email, rattling the recipient, and they ended up thinking the anger was aimed at them. It wasn't. I was angry with a number of people, but not them. I've sorted out that friendship, (I think) frankly it would be very difficult to create too large a chasm between us, because that's the type of person they are.
Hands stretched out in front, not looking behind.
I know I need to move on. The temptation to bury the pain I feel...it's too easy to do that which I did in the past. I know now - pain, resentment, anger, bitterness, they are fertile and rampant seeds that grow as weeds and thorns, and get in the way of the good seed, or choke the plants that grow.
I need to forgive. I need to be cleansed. I need to be healed. In that order.
Receiving hands, stretched out in front, not looking behind, and definitely no digging.
Sunday 11 November 2012
For normality, please walk this way...
This morning, I went to the church that could quite possibly become my new home.
I then listened to a testimony - a woman just a couple of years older than me told me her life story in about 5 minutes and completely blew me away with her faith and integrity. She took a few moments to recognise me; we got baptised on the same day last year.
I then got in contact with my friend, who's made the Final Step today in parting company with the same church I've parted company with - for different reasons (although one of their reasons was one of the kicks I needed)
My old singing tutor has been in touch to recommence the Saturday morning lessons.
Things are settling. God will trouble the waters and then the ripples eventually desist until the water is as still as a duck pond.
Except - I don't think our spirits, as Christians, ever get that still.
I then listened to a testimony - a woman just a couple of years older than me told me her life story in about 5 minutes and completely blew me away with her faith and integrity. She took a few moments to recognise me; we got baptised on the same day last year.
I then got in contact with my friend, who's made the Final Step today in parting company with the same church I've parted company with - for different reasons (although one of their reasons was one of the kicks I needed)
My old singing tutor has been in touch to recommence the Saturday morning lessons.
Things are settling. God will trouble the waters and then the ripples eventually desist until the water is as still as a duck pond.
Except - I don't think our spirits, as Christians, ever get that still.
Wednesday 7 November 2012
Stress
Something rather nasty is occurring in my life at the moment. I am fairly certain I am suffering symptoms of stress - the nasty ones at that.
I had a scary episode Sunday night and went to the doctors Monday morning. He's given me some tablets and taken some blood. Now wait.
And God shines through. I emailed a number of the Christian brotherhood (just the ones who have email, there are a number I don't know/don't have email). The outreach leader put me on the prayer chain. The second in command sent me a get well card this morning. Two others, the ones I regard as close friends, sent messages of support and prayer.
Those lights I need to focus on.
I had a scary episode Sunday night and went to the doctors Monday morning. He's given me some tablets and taken some blood. Now wait.
And God shines through. I emailed a number of the Christian brotherhood (just the ones who have email, there are a number I don't know/don't have email). The outreach leader put me on the prayer chain. The second in command sent me a get well card this morning. Two others, the ones I regard as close friends, sent messages of support and prayer.
Those lights I need to focus on.
Tuesday 6 November 2012
Kingsway 6th November
Title: Breathe on me
First Line: Breathe on me, breath of God
Artist: Claire Hamilton
Composer: Claire Hamilton
Album: The version I have is on Mission Praise: Love Never Fails, also on Introducing Claire Hamilton
Mp3: Yes
Sheet Music: Yes
CCL: Yes
Popular sources: None
My thoughts: This is a beautiful song, a heartfelt, simple love song to God, that makes me ache just reading the words. Sometimes we don't need many words to sing praise to God (even Redman's I stand in awe of You is a bit wordy for the sentiment it's trying to express) and this is a wonderful example. It has shades of Peter Gabriel about it - the early one, fresh out of Genesis when he was singing things like Biko. Nothing wrong with that, and the ethereal quality it has. Maybe this one won't be used much in general worship, but I think it would be great for meditation times, or ministry, just playing quietly in the background and let the Spirit carry you away...
This song is available on Kingsway from today until 12th November inc. To access, you must logon; or register with Kingsway, who in return will add you to their mailing list, but they are not serial spammers.
First Line: Breathe on me, breath of God
Artist: Claire Hamilton
Composer: Claire Hamilton
Album: The version I have is on Mission Praise: Love Never Fails, also on Introducing Claire Hamilton
Mp3: Yes
Sheet Music: Yes
CCL: Yes
Popular sources: None
My thoughts: This is a beautiful song, a heartfelt, simple love song to God, that makes me ache just reading the words. Sometimes we don't need many words to sing praise to God (even Redman's I stand in awe of You is a bit wordy for the sentiment it's trying to express) and this is a wonderful example. It has shades of Peter Gabriel about it - the early one, fresh out of Genesis when he was singing things like Biko. Nothing wrong with that, and the ethereal quality it has. Maybe this one won't be used much in general worship, but I think it would be great for meditation times, or ministry, just playing quietly in the background and let the Spirit carry you away...
This song is available on Kingsway from today until 12th November inc. To access, you must logon; or register with Kingsway, who in return will add you to their mailing list, but they are not serial spammers.
Sunday 4 November 2012
Just(?) another Sunday
The other day, I tried to remember what my Sundays were like before Feb '11, and couldn't. Sundays are strange without my usual task, and even stranger today as I didn't go to church at all. This is because I decided to stay at home due to a minor health issue. I actually felt better this morning, but as evening draws in, it's raised its ugly head again, so I guess I'm going to the doctors tomorrow. I'm going away for work soon - I don't want it to become serious in some remote location!
I've prayed on and off today, thought about yesterday and carried on with a task I believe that God wants me to complete, although I'm not sure of the reason why. Last Christmas, I built a PowerPoint file of songs for the church with a hyperlinked index, so me and/or the group could be as portable and flexible as possible. Well, obviously they've kept that file and the updates I've made and I hope that they keep that system going. A few months ago, I decided to change the format of the file slightly, not least because there was some weird error going on that caused it to crash. So, I started to rebuild it. Now that I've parted company with the church, I'm going further than that - carrying on with the reformat, removing the CCL number, splitting the hymns away from the choruses...and getting rid of the ones which I will never play. Y'see, the way I view it is that churches go through seasons. That chorus or hymn may have been annointed last season. This season it's starting to smell a bit. Yet there are some that still play it in a given setting because it did alright last time. It may have a revival. Some think that old revivals will be...erhem..revived with one chorus.
I want to scream at them to listen to what God wants, not what they think will be good on a certain day, and they can play.
Anyway, I can always put them back again, for songs, have seasons, and it seems I'm starting a new one. Why I'm rebuilding the file when I can't see any purpose for it yet seems pointless, but I'm sure God's telling me to complete this. So I will.
I've prayed on and off today, thought about yesterday and carried on with a task I believe that God wants me to complete, although I'm not sure of the reason why. Last Christmas, I built a PowerPoint file of songs for the church with a hyperlinked index, so me and/or the group could be as portable and flexible as possible. Well, obviously they've kept that file and the updates I've made and I hope that they keep that system going. A few months ago, I decided to change the format of the file slightly, not least because there was some weird error going on that caused it to crash. So, I started to rebuild it. Now that I've parted company with the church, I'm going further than that - carrying on with the reformat, removing the CCL number, splitting the hymns away from the choruses...and getting rid of the ones which I will never play. Y'see, the way I view it is that churches go through seasons. That chorus or hymn may have been annointed last season. This season it's starting to smell a bit. Yet there are some that still play it in a given setting because it did alright last time. It may have a revival. Some think that old revivals will be...erhem..revived with one chorus.
I want to scream at them to listen to what God wants, not what they think will be good on a certain day, and they can play.
Anyway, I can always put them back again, for songs, have seasons, and it seems I'm starting a new one. Why I'm rebuilding the file when I can't see any purpose for it yet seems pointless, but I'm sure God's telling me to complete this. So I will.
Saturday 3 November 2012
Sabbath Rest
I've often said I don't regard these outreach WL sessions as proper work, in fact they've started to become part of the healing process. Worship was fab today, I knew it was going to be OK from the first chorus. I need to start remembering to worship myself, and trust God to be in control of the rest.
It was great to be free today, and as good as the morning was, feeling "happy exhausted" at the end of it (so a good day at the office), I came home slightly sorry that it was over....but....I then thought...
...glory be. I don't have to worry about this again for at least another week. I am free of that for a while. God, as far as I'm concerned, can take His time over paving the way for me. It isn't laziness, for I will happily take up the sword when He needs me to - no, it is finally being happy in my lot, a burden lifted, a responsibility removed for a while, I have entered a wilderness of sorts, yes, but a beautiful one, a rest. I decided to try and have meandGod time during the periods I would normally have been with the group, or on my own, practicing or chorusstorming.
Maybe He'll point the way during those times.
Although I don't want to be impatient, someone told me today to make sure I find where God wants me quickly else the blessings I can give with my anointing will be wasted. It was encouraging, and thinking of it, extremely sobering.
I am, after all, a foot soldier, and it ain't no good to be on furlough for too long.
It was great to be free today, and as good as the morning was, feeling "happy exhausted" at the end of it (so a good day at the office), I came home slightly sorry that it was over....but....I then thought...
...glory be. I don't have to worry about this again for at least another week. I am free of that for a while. God, as far as I'm concerned, can take His time over paving the way for me. It isn't laziness, for I will happily take up the sword when He needs me to - no, it is finally being happy in my lot, a burden lifted, a responsibility removed for a while, I have entered a wilderness of sorts, yes, but a beautiful one, a rest. I decided to try and have meandGod time during the periods I would normally have been with the group, or on my own, practicing or chorusstorming.
Maybe He'll point the way during those times.
Although I don't want to be impatient, someone told me today to make sure I find where God wants me quickly else the blessings I can give with my anointing will be wasted. It was encouraging, and thinking of it, extremely sobering.
I am, after all, a foot soldier, and it ain't no good to be on furlough for too long.
Thursday 1 November 2012
I was doing so well...
The health issue I mentioned seems to be easing off somewhat, which is great as I need to be moderately fit for the next couple of weeks - one outreach session as WL but it's mostly work, another love in my life which is likely to take more of a centre stage as I rest the fingers and strings for a while.
Or maybe that's not what God wants. Hoopomonay is a difficult thing to master.
I was feeling healthy enough in body and mind to go shopping today, the cupboard really was nearly bare, and carrying 4 rather heavy shopping bags on my own got me feeling rather unwell again.
Nothing that a cup of tea can't fix, methinks. Yes, a cup of tea and go through my emails.
.....blessings and words from the members of my previous church, and now I'm having trouble keeping the sobs at bay. I didn't properly process them the first time round, now my head has stopped spinning with the speed of it all, reality has kicked in, or at least my humanity has. Yes, I can be human sometimes, rather than a robot that just copes.
It's OK to cry though, I'm sure He understands.
Or maybe that's not what God wants. Hoopomonay is a difficult thing to master.
I was feeling healthy enough in body and mind to go shopping today, the cupboard really was nearly bare, and carrying 4 rather heavy shopping bags on my own got me feeling rather unwell again.
Nothing that a cup of tea can't fix, methinks. Yes, a cup of tea and go through my emails.
.....blessings and words from the members of my previous church, and now I'm having trouble keeping the sobs at bay. I didn't properly process them the first time round, now my head has stopped spinning with the speed of it all, reality has kicked in, or at least my humanity has. Yes, I can be human sometimes, rather than a robot that just copes.
It's OK to cry though, I'm sure He understands.
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