Picking myself up, dusting myself off, and...

Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the LORD shall be a light unto me. (Micah 7:8 KJV 1611)

Had a long chat with The Boss last night, and I made a vow.  I'm just going to get on with it.  It seems like a long time between now and my coming apart, but He is my Strength, and I'm just going to have to remember I'm not alone with this.

I talked about my problems, in depth, with a Christian friend/pastor (he also baptised me).  He said, Fiona, you've got to remember you were baptised recently, and your worship leading has taken off, big time.  You are going to be under attack.

I learned early on that the enemy hates worshippers.  Just think how much he hates worship leaders.  He tried the old tactics on me last summer, thinking that as it worked last time, it will work again.  It didn't, and he's now trying another angle of attack.

But no-one, nothing, can take away that fundamental belief anymore.  I could end up totally broken, I won't stop believing, and I won't apologise to anyone for this.  The ultimate rest will come, it may be soon, it may be 40, 50 years from now.  Ultimately, I want to serve my Father, not myself, and although the church and congregation come high on the list of priorities, all these priorities will be willingly ditched - in favour of the first one.  This burns him big time making this vow.  I am not going to compromise loyalty any more.

I didn't blog much about Sunday's service, as I was still going through the "woe is me" stage.  But the theme was the Lord being a light.  In retrospect, I should have shared that verse that I read only on Saturday night, at the top of this post.  I will apologise, and share it on Friday, or maybe even Saturday.  Oh yes, there is an extra shindig this week that will be a lot of fun, hopefully, but I know that I still need to treat it as Frontline.

But know that I am not alone.

Friends and fellowship

Worship this morning:

Rejoice!  Rejoice!
Thy Word
Jesus Christ (Once Again)
Purify My Heart
Open our Eyes

Something really did niggle me this morning.  I won't go into it here, but needless to say it undermined my position and made me just a little irritated that one person still refuses/oblivious to properly follow leadership.  That person isn't the only one.  Something I have learned, to learn how to lead, you first need to learn how to follow.

But, I recalled my other "birthday" today, nearly a year ago in the old church building.  I shared this, and the tears nearly flowed freely.  And yet, although I have been very emotional recently, I bottle up in church.  This, I think, is making matters worse.  I am dampening my emotions, trying to become the robot I once was.

Still, there are at least two people who know the full circumstances of what I'm going through lately.  I fight with myself, wondering if I'm being honest with myself, and God, or am I just being a drama queen?

Focus

It will be some time between now and the break, but I felt last night that if I could see the pathway through, I would pick up the most basic of belongings I have and leave the house, returning once the Walkabout has cleared my head.

And he said unto them, Come ye yourselves apart into a desert place, and rest a while: for there were many coming and going, and they had no leisure so much as to eat. (Mark 6:31, KJV 1611)

This, I'm coming to realise, was more than just an "incident" in the life of Jesus and His disciples. (Indeed there is no such thing as just mere "incident" in the life of Jesus, and actually, probably not any Bible person's life).  No, not just an incident.  A command, when it all gets too much, and you've forgotten that you have to eat, you have to "come ye yourselves apart" before you forget to breathe.

I think, actually, I will have to put in a request to the Boss if He can allow me to carry on for the next few weeks, and give me the strength to do so.  There are lots of reasons why I can't just drop everything, and I know He understands that.

But just maybe I'll have to drop everything sooner than I thought.

Plans afoot

I've pretty much decided now.

I will be taking some time away from home, it will be fairly soon, and I will be breaking away (briefly) from WL.

A few weeks ago, I believe God was asking me to break for 2 weeks at least - not only no practice or Sundays, not picking up the guitar at all.  I will be going away for 4 days at least (so that will make it easy, won't lug a guitar around the distance I'm going) - what about the other 10 days?  Not easy.  Considering I had to be cajoled into picking it up again, back in Feb/March 2011 (how far I've come since then), this will be hard, hard, hard, coupled with a fear that if I dropped it once so easily, will 2 weeks turn into 10 years, as last time....?

Yep, I'm being a drama queen, life is different now, my attitude is different and I have encouragement from a dozen sources, unlike 10 years ago.  I am perhaps being a petulant kid - the sweetie jar is being put out of my reach until I focus on what is really important and just Who I'm doing this for anyway.

Potter's Hand

Worship this morning:

In Heavenly Armour
Crown Him with Many Crowns
Majesty
Jesus, All for Jesus
Holy Spirit, How I Love You

...the leader didn't realise that we'd finished and asked for another after prayers, I obliged with

Beautiful Lord, Wonderful Saviour

The more practice the better with the new PP file, designed to make us flexible.

I couldn't concentrate this morning, I kept drifting, during worship and during the message.  But I caught snatches of prayers and sentences, all of which were about trust, looking to Him, above all not worrying about what could be, but trusting in Him always, because I won't be tested beyond what I can endure.

He's pushing me though, and I wonder whether what I have to do will really be a "holiday".  It will take me away from all of this, and I have to admit, that's hurting.  Other warnings were given me last night, that it could end up being a sabbatical, rather than a short break and.....I'm worrying unduly.

Need to take more frequent "quiet times" and wait and listen.

Define "Normal"

nor·mal [nawr-muhl] 

 adjective

1. conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.

2. serving to establish a standard.

Just spent a wonderful afternoon with a list from the PP file, my chord sheets and my Best Friend, sorting out the music for next Sunday, the following Saturday, and the following day.  I was concerned that our music was becoming stale, I had a crisis of confidence and I felt I wasn't up to snuff any more.  He showed me differently.  He truly is amazing.  Now all I need to concentrate on is what music, chord sheet or words (for the PP file) are missing and I can relax as far as "choosing" them are concerned, for a couple of weeks at least.
   

I was going to say that my life is slowly returning to "normal" after a tumultuous Christmas and strange working weeks, but actually, I just don't know what "normal" is anymore.  Praise God, it's a lot of fun.
   

Also, I'm in the early planning stages for that holiday I blogged about yesterday.  Another reason why I believe the Spirit has helped me free up two weeks worth of worship so I have no excuses not to sort out the other matter... 

{Draws circle on wall} {Hits head in middle of circle, hard}

I need a holiday.

Seriously.

Ever since the suggestion was made to me (and my response was, I feel absolutely full of energy) I sense I'm going downhill fast.  Like, wanting the ground to open up and swallow me.

There is a personal issue going on, which, although I have no direct control over it, I think I need to make an appearance in another area of the country, for a couple of days at least, to prove to myself I am human, at least occasionally.  And that made no sense at all, sigh.  See what I mean?

And worship, well the calendar's starting to get full, with no less than 4 dates, other than the regular Sundays, one of which is something to do with the Olympic Flame coming through our area (gasp).  Exciting stuff, and I should rest before fatigue becomes a problem rather than be a hero and get ill.

I know that.  Only one person I can trust to give me an informed opinion and I'm seeing him Sunday.

Turned a corner

I can hardly believe its been a week since I last posted.  Someone once said a week is a long time in politics, it is actually a long time in normal life, you, and God, can do quite a lot.

I'll get business out of the way first.  Worship this morning:

Holy, Holy, God Almighty
Jesus! the name high over all
Light of the World
This is my Desire
I Worship You, Almighty God

It was pure, it was ordered, it felt...natural, it felt the way that every Sunday should feel, and isn't that just perfect?  We sung and prayed in tongues for the longest time we have ever done, and lots of people felt encouraged to come up to the front or speak about the visions or testimonies they had.

Some of it was born out of yesterday.  Yesterday.  The day I turned a corner.  The day that, I believe, I went to the next level of worship leading.

The message, from the away day our church had yesterday, was received in different ways by our members, and others - a mixed reception in lots of ways.  But the worship.  Oh, the worship.

I was on my own, mainly because there wasn't a lot of room where we were.  Also, I was asked to keep the worship short.  The Spirit, whatever He picked, would have to pack some punch into one or two hymns.

O Lord Our God (We will Magnify)
Take us to the River

Words can't describe it.  The Spirit fell, and early.  My voice, and my playing, sounded perfect.  He guided my thoughts and my fingers.  It felt amazing, and even that makes it sound trivial.  The words have not been invented to describe it.

A little later, during lunch, I sensed that I would only be playing one for the afternoon session (I was correct).  I went through a couple in my head, and wandered back into the room, there was one on my heart in particular, looked at a couple of the others, and it then came to the crunch - it needed announcing, and within 10 seconds, so PA man could get it up on screen, via the PP.

"Oh Lord my God, how great Thou art" I said quietly.  I played it in the way that I have received encouraging feedback for - a faster pace than normal, with extra syncopation.

I'm almost in tears, right now, remembering, the reception was In. Cred. I. Ble.  The Spirit had picked right.

Thank you God, I feel privileged, really.  How could you turn what I was into what I am now?  You're turning a dirty cup into a golden chalice.  I.  Am.  Not.  Worthy.

I did play a little more, at the end.  I felt absolutely exhausted as we trooped out the door.  But I know I did a good day's work, and God is pleased with me. 

I got more focus.  I am starting to get vision, purpose, drive.  I am becoming more eager, gaining confidence.  I really feel I can play with the big boys now.

..and yet, I know that God hasn't finished.  Lord God, what next?  An unimaginable adventure.

The battle belongs to the Lord

Worship this morning:

These are the Days of Elijah
Praise is Rising
How Deep the Father's Love for us
Into Your Hand
We Bow Down

I was not expecting, and I did not try to enduce, a repeat of the Thursday night practice, but after Praise is Rising (pretty much as in practice) the Spirit fell, and there were prayers, singing in tongues and a word or two.  Just incredible, awesome stuff, for a church that is so small and is frankly, quite vulnerable.

I was told afterwards how well the music fit the message, even though I honestly had no idea what the message was, or even who was speaking.  In fact, it was a guy who used to live very close to where I was born.  Great to hear a Sarf-West Lunnon dialect again.  :-)

Lots of battles going on in the community, and there were prayers for that - it is tempting for a church to lock down completely, in fact what we should do is be on our guard but to keep our hearts open for development, strength and growth.

I have my own battle too, which at times gets almost unbearable.  I am going to set some quiet time aside tonight and do some serious "knee" time.  (I think maybe, literally).  Broken string today, only played on 11.  Sounded good still, but when I was home I nearly cried over it, I hate things like that happening when there is nothing I can do about it.  Then again, it was a good job it happened whilst I was tuning up and not during main worship.

Another session other than normal Sunday requested of me today, by the boss, on an interesting date early February.  I'll write why it's "interesting" closer to the time, or maybe on the day itself, it may be very fitting.  Despite my own problems, God is still moving and shaking in my life and I'm still letting Him.  And I'm not going to let anything or anyone stop the transformation, for it has gone too far now to ever want to return.

Something special

I thought I was finally free Monday/Tuesday, however, on Friday something happened and I feel like I've slid back a bit, healthwise.

Sunday tomorrow, so must mention to prayer warriors.  Not quite as bad as last week, when I felt so bad, I had to ring up one of the prayer warriors.  So it is getting better.  Gradually.  Argh.

Anyway, something very special happened in practice Thursday night.  About halfway through, I felt something shift in the atmosphere, if it had been Sunday, I would have "asked" and "listened" to what the Spirit was trying to do.  Instead, we had to keep going through the lineup so that we were all confident.  Could not hold it back at the end, though, didn't want to, the final chorus and the Peace descended and we were silent for a good five minutes, and then we added some prayers and thanksgiving.

Wow.  Felt really blessed, I think we all did.  It was like a great big hug from God, to all of us.  It first happened some months ago, when I wasn't the (main) WL, I was just a band member, this was the first time under my "watch".  Clarinetist said something very important has happened, that we are now starting to worship with our hearts as well as with our bodies.

Going away for a day and a half next week, work related.  Picked the choruses for next Sunday already so could well relay them tomorrow to save time.  Also, I have an extra worship leading task for next Saturday.  For this, I'm going to pick "possibles" but basically do as I feel is right "on the spot" - which I am really quite excited about, as well as nervous.

God is still moving and shaking.  Hey, I feel alive, and that's what counts.

Communication, communication, communication

If there's one thing that really irritates me, it's lack of communication.

Tell people, they will take their part and make proper preparations.  Like at my workplace at the moment, for instance.  We've got a major "do" in June, and it's being prepared for now.

OK - what's coming up in church is nowhere near as big as my employer's shindig, but every gathering needs preparation.

Yeesh, maybe it's one thing some people never learn.  And yet, aren't we told to Prepare?

Lord, give them the gift of foresight, and me, the gift of love and patience, please, else I might just explode.

Waiting

No closure on my thoughts yesterday.  Maybe it will come during the week, or during one of my quiet times.

Long service this morning, a testimony and a couple of prophecies for us as a church, and the year ahead plus Communion.  I am finding it very difficult to focus whilst I am unwell, then I pick up my guitar, I get focus, a sense of purpose even, but I can't play my guitar constantly...

Worship this morning:

Jesus, Hope of the Nations
Rejoice!  Rejoice!
Be Thou My Vision
Jesus, be the Centre

Shortened from practice, we were also going to do All for Jesus until the boss told me that there was loads going on.  He didn't tell me specifically to cut down the worship - he doesn't need to any more!

Cheered up slightly this afternoon as I thought about next week's worship, the Spirit seems to have led me to 5 good, well-known and done before ones (despite me considering a couple of newbies initially) and I don't need to do a thing on Musescore, or chord sheets.  God making it stress free again, and it is exactly what I needed.