Stress

Something rather nasty is occurring in my life at the moment.  I am fairly certain I am suffering symptoms of stress - the nasty ones at that.

I had a scary episode Sunday night and went to the doctors Monday morning.  He's given me some tablets and taken some blood.  Now wait.

And God shines through.  I emailed a number of the Christian brotherhood (just the ones who have email, there are a number I don't know/don't have email).   The outreach leader put me on the prayer chain.  The second in command sent me a get well card this morning.  Two others, the ones I regard as close friends, sent messages of support and prayer.

Those lights I need to focus on.

Just when I thought it was safe...

No.  I was burying them again, all the emotions, all the hurt, all the frustrations.

I hate it when life seems to be ticking along again, and the same ole, same ole, same ole problem just comes up time and time again.

New problems I can handle.  Perhaps they are not pleasant, but at least they are interesting.  But when you have examined a problem to frustration point and you can't see a way through, to have it well up in your conscience again and again is a bit like being beaten with a stick when you're still bruised.

Yes.  I know.  I should lay them at the feet of the Cross.  I thought I had, and to be fair, I have made no attempt lately to "sort it out myself".  The frustrations come up of their own accord.  In fact, last night, I was wondering what was bothering me as I lapsed into silence after practice, troubled about the sickness in the church maybe?  Then it hit me later.  Something had been said, and it brought an old problem to the surface that will simply not die.  It has a remarkable sense of survival; this type of thing makes me think that He actually needs me to make some move to deal with it...

It will be passive - for a few weeks.  But what then?  The Q word has hit my thoughts again, and every time it does, I get more and more resolved to do so.  But I did make a promise to someone not to until I had spoken to them - and frankly, now isn't the time.

But I can't go on like this.  Really, I can't.

{Draws circle on wall} {Hits head in middle of circle, hard}

I need a holiday.

Seriously.

Ever since the suggestion was made to me (and my response was, I feel absolutely full of energy) I sense I'm going downhill fast.  Like, wanting the ground to open up and swallow me.

There is a personal issue going on, which, although I have no direct control over it, I think I need to make an appearance in another area of the country, for a couple of days at least, to prove to myself I am human, at least occasionally.  And that made no sense at all, sigh.  See what I mean?

And worship, well the calendar's starting to get full, with no less than 4 dates, other than the regular Sundays, one of which is something to do with the Olympic Flame coming through our area (gasp).  Exciting stuff, and I should rest before fatigue becomes a problem rather than be a hero and get ill.

I know that.  Only one person I can trust to give me an informed opinion and I'm seeing him Sunday.

Troubled

Rather than the tempest of recent months, my little tea cup has a minor storm, maybe 3 or 4 rising slowly.

There are lots of things bothering me, niggles of mostly my own making, irritations in little details of my life.

I know what you're thinking; these niggles, irritations, gnats underneath the mosquito net that is life, is what being human is all about.

I don't want to be bothered, niggled or irritated.  It ruins communication.  Particularly Communication.  Perhaps the only way I can Communicate at the moment is through my guitar.

It doesn't help that I'm still in Ezekiel - it's a bit like running barefoot through a field that has been liberally strewn with barbed wire.  I usually get some peace with Make Love, Make War, still reading it, even though you can easily get through a chapter in 20 mins-half an hour.  My gosh, its making me think.  And then whilst reading it, I got niggled by something stated, because I knew it had to apply somewhere in my life, but I couldn't quite put my finger on what.  So I decided to close my eyes and meditate on this.  But my brain tends to like different channels of thought.  Suddenly, a new Bible study, in fact several, were popping into my head, which I just have to shelve or "file" in the rather wobbly filing cabinet of my brain.  (It's fine.  If I get round to them in my lifetime, great.  If not, I have an eternity to understand God)

But even sitting here typing this, I know how to calm the storm.  He's had me in the palm of His hand since my birth, before that even.  All He wants to do is direct my paths, if I just let Him. Be still and know that I am God.  Everything that I have allowed Him into since February of last year (and believe me, it's just about everything) has been turned into abundant blessing, or to the good of my growth, knowing that I have become just that little bit more mature.

Be still.

Feel a little guilty...

I played my guitar a bit on Monday, just to check the submissions this week, one questionable one (maybe the key's too low), but I practiced for barely 20 minutes.  Didn't practice yesterday, the weather is absolutely glorious today, so maybe not this evening either.  Going out on a mission tomorrow (which may or may not include a new guitar), so I'm left with tiny windows in which to practice - tonight after sunset and maybe mid afternoon tomorrow.

After the service on Sunday, the clarinetist had a word from the Lord for me: "You're too hard on yourself" - but I don't want apathy to set in.  For the next couple of weeks, there's only 3 of us in the worship group, which may make things easier - or harder, depending on how well those two know the choruses I've picked.  Somehow I think having the larger group is easier, especially as I will be missing the flautist for two weeks - her good, strong, melody playing coupled with good rythmn.  (Rythmn is my weakness, and I frequently get the melody slightly wrong)

Hand it over to the Lord.  Wait.  Listen.  Hear.