Yes, been a while.
Well, the fact is, the blog is meant to be about worship leading, and I haven't been leading worship for a good two months. It's a chapter in my life that I thought may come to an end.
Yeah, yeah, once a worship leader etc, once God has a purpose planned for you etc etc.
But I recently found you don't have to be at the front of the church to lead worship...
Today, though, I have popped in to say that another chapter may be opening as something intriguing happened yesterday.
I guess I now have to exercise patience.
Showing posts with label Sunday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sunday. Show all posts
Monday, 9 September 2013
Sunday, 13 January 2013
Drifting (again) or should that be a rolling stone?
Hebrews 10:25 was nagging me last night, so I guess that the Boss was trying to tell me something. I got the message, I need a good week.
And another new church.
The worship was fab. I had forgotten just how much I'd missed really good praise and worship, and singing Bless the Lord, 10,000 Reasons at one point, feeling the pentecostal spirit erupting in there, but...
...I had reservations about a few other things, which got me thinking about my future in the churches, and the ones I've been to recently.
In one, the preacher is brilliant, but the worship is scheduled in too much, rather than spontaneous. Another is friendly, small, but with power, but the worship is too restrained, and certain other things need reining in (it is a baby church, so these messes are cleared up in time). Another, the worship is free (a bit too free actually) the messages are powerful and stuff is happening....but controlled by a clique within the church and input is not encouraged from others.
If only all the good stuff was in one church building, because a lot of the issues that bother me I don't think I could live with for more than a few weeks.
Yes yes yes I know there is no such thing as a perfect church. I should go find one that I can be at least 80% happy...
Few people have taken me seriously with an idea I have though, that God doesn't want me to be in any one church building, that I can go round 5 or 6 churches on a sort of rota. From there I see the whole picture, where there's a prophecy in one fulfilled in another. (Actually I witnessed such this morning. And someone said to me how blessed they are by my worship in the outreach group. Y'see, God knew I needed to hear that.)
I am not forsaking the coming together. OK, a rolling stone gathereth no WL job, but as I said, this I sense is becoming secondary to my being.
I've never had the travel bug, but going round lots of different churches to see and hear what is happening...to a Christian....honestly...how exciting is that?
And another new church.
The worship was fab. I had forgotten just how much I'd missed really good praise and worship, and singing Bless the Lord, 10,000 Reasons at one point, feeling the pentecostal spirit erupting in there, but...
...I had reservations about a few other things, which got me thinking about my future in the churches, and the ones I've been to recently.
In one, the preacher is brilliant, but the worship is scheduled in too much, rather than spontaneous. Another is friendly, small, but with power, but the worship is too restrained, and certain other things need reining in (it is a baby church, so these messes are cleared up in time). Another, the worship is free (a bit too free actually) the messages are powerful and stuff is happening....but controlled by a clique within the church and input is not encouraged from others.
If only all the good stuff was in one church building, because a lot of the issues that bother me I don't think I could live with for more than a few weeks.
Yes yes yes I know there is no such thing as a perfect church. I should go find one that I can be at least 80% happy...
Few people have taken me seriously with an idea I have though, that God doesn't want me to be in any one church building, that I can go round 5 or 6 churches on a sort of rota. From there I see the whole picture, where there's a prophecy in one fulfilled in another. (Actually I witnessed such this morning. And someone said to me how blessed they are by my worship in the outreach group. Y'see, God knew I needed to hear that.)
I am not forsaking the coming together. OK, a rolling stone gathereth no WL job, but as I said, this I sense is becoming secondary to my being.
I've never had the travel bug, but going round lots of different churches to see and hear what is happening...to a Christian....honestly...how exciting is that?
Sunday, 9 December 2012
Miracles
They say that miracles are for Christmas.
Actually, miracles are for Jesus, and they can come at any time of year.
I witnessed one today, and yesterday.
Each week, the Spirit within me has led me to different churches. The reason for last week's became clear yesterday as another was snatched from the pit.
Today, a different church, I witnessed one that will bring me to tears every time I think of it. Where there was dry desert, there was a green tuft of life, a remembrance of a former fire, but the spark was visible.
God led me to the church for me this morning. He had something to say that I had to do, and then showed me how faithfulness reaps rewards, when I saw a shadow out of the corner of my eye, giving me fresh hope for the future.
And oh yes, I have hope and new confidence. Help us both die to our former selves, and blossom again.
Actually, miracles are for Jesus, and they can come at any time of year.
I witnessed one today, and yesterday.
Each week, the Spirit within me has led me to different churches. The reason for last week's became clear yesterday as another was snatched from the pit.
Today, a different church, I witnessed one that will bring me to tears every time I think of it. Where there was dry desert, there was a green tuft of life, a remembrance of a former fire, but the spark was visible.
God led me to the church for me this morning. He had something to say that I had to do, and then showed me how faithfulness reaps rewards, when I saw a shadow out of the corner of my eye, giving me fresh hope for the future.
And oh yes, I have hope and new confidence. Help us both die to our former selves, and blossom again.
Sunday, 11 November 2012
For normality, please walk this way...
This morning, I went to the church that could quite possibly become my new home.
I then listened to a testimony - a woman just a couple of years older than me told me her life story in about 5 minutes and completely blew me away with her faith and integrity. She took a few moments to recognise me; we got baptised on the same day last year.
I then got in contact with my friend, who's made the Final Step today in parting company with the same church I've parted company with - for different reasons (although one of their reasons was one of the kicks I needed)
My old singing tutor has been in touch to recommence the Saturday morning lessons.
Things are settling. God will trouble the waters and then the ripples eventually desist until the water is as still as a duck pond.
Except - I don't think our spirits, as Christians, ever get that still.
I then listened to a testimony - a woman just a couple of years older than me told me her life story in about 5 minutes and completely blew me away with her faith and integrity. She took a few moments to recognise me; we got baptised on the same day last year.
I then got in contact with my friend, who's made the Final Step today in parting company with the same church I've parted company with - for different reasons (although one of their reasons was one of the kicks I needed)
My old singing tutor has been in touch to recommence the Saturday morning lessons.
Things are settling. God will trouble the waters and then the ripples eventually desist until the water is as still as a duck pond.
Except - I don't think our spirits, as Christians, ever get that still.
Sunday, 4 November 2012
Just(?) another Sunday
The other day, I tried to remember what my Sundays were like before Feb '11, and couldn't. Sundays are strange without my usual task, and even stranger today as I didn't go to church at all. This is because I decided to stay at home due to a minor health issue. I actually felt better this morning, but as evening draws in, it's raised its ugly head again, so I guess I'm going to the doctors tomorrow. I'm going away for work soon - I don't want it to become serious in some remote location!
I've prayed on and off today, thought about yesterday and carried on with a task I believe that God wants me to complete, although I'm not sure of the reason why. Last Christmas, I built a PowerPoint file of songs for the church with a hyperlinked index, so me and/or the group could be as portable and flexible as possible. Well, obviously they've kept that file and the updates I've made and I hope that they keep that system going. A few months ago, I decided to change the format of the file slightly, not least because there was some weird error going on that caused it to crash. So, I started to rebuild it. Now that I've parted company with the church, I'm going further than that - carrying on with the reformat, removing the CCL number, splitting the hymns away from the choruses...and getting rid of the ones which I will never play. Y'see, the way I view it is that churches go through seasons. That chorus or hymn may have been annointed last season. This season it's starting to smell a bit. Yet there are some that still play it in a given setting because it did alright last time. It may have a revival. Some think that old revivals will be...erhem..revived with one chorus.
I want to scream at them to listen to what God wants, not what they think will be good on a certain day, and they can play.
Anyway, I can always put them back again, for songs, have seasons, and it seems I'm starting a new one. Why I'm rebuilding the file when I can't see any purpose for it yet seems pointless, but I'm sure God's telling me to complete this. So I will.
I've prayed on and off today, thought about yesterday and carried on with a task I believe that God wants me to complete, although I'm not sure of the reason why. Last Christmas, I built a PowerPoint file of songs for the church with a hyperlinked index, so me and/or the group could be as portable and flexible as possible. Well, obviously they've kept that file and the updates I've made and I hope that they keep that system going. A few months ago, I decided to change the format of the file slightly, not least because there was some weird error going on that caused it to crash. So, I started to rebuild it. Now that I've parted company with the church, I'm going further than that - carrying on with the reformat, removing the CCL number, splitting the hymns away from the choruses...and getting rid of the ones which I will never play. Y'see, the way I view it is that churches go through seasons. That chorus or hymn may have been annointed last season. This season it's starting to smell a bit. Yet there are some that still play it in a given setting because it did alright last time. It may have a revival. Some think that old revivals will be...erhem..revived with one chorus.
I want to scream at them to listen to what God wants, not what they think will be good on a certain day, and they can play.
Anyway, I can always put them back again, for songs, have seasons, and it seems I'm starting a new one. Why I'm rebuilding the file when I can't see any purpose for it yet seems pointless, but I'm sure God's telling me to complete this. So I will.
Sunday, 28 October 2012
Location, location, location
I, like many people, like "searching for property" programs on the TV and I also like Grand Designs.
I think it's something to do with our inerrant nosiness. It isn't so much the finding, its the having a good look about somebody else's patch to get new ideas, or, the worse side of our human nature, to be critical. And there is something about L3 and Grand Designs that turns it into some sort of soap opera, as they seem to pick the most awkward and/or objectionable people in society.
I have never been in the situation where I have the luxury of choice of where to move into. It's always been - location ok for work, tick, price is right, tick, ok when do we move? Forget decor or whether I like the area, at every move there has been a sense of urgency.
Not this time. I have the luxury of choice, although I now think God wants me to settle quickly. And I think I know which church.
3 churches in 3 weeks - although to be fair, I will never attend the first two regularly due to distance. Number 3, went on recommendation and I already know the pastor as he was the other half of my baptism last year.
I was sitting quietly in the service, so far, so good, maybe less charismatic than I was hoping. Unlikely to be any place for me in the music group, long term maybe very occasionally. Am I in this for the long term? Surely it is far too early...
You have something to offer here. You can be part of the change that I am planning.
Was it God's voice? It sure sounded like it.
I spoke to the pastor afterwards, laid all my cards down and was honest. I've parted company with my previous church, with the senior pastor's blessing. I am looking for a new church. He replied that he had been praying specifically for gifted people to come to his church....
...could it be?
I think I will give this place a couple of months, I don't want to be too hopeful too soon. Yes I am cautious. I am also still hurting a little. It will all take time. Awkward, not sure what I want, not forthright, uncertain, little confidence. And no equivalent of Phil or Kirsty to help me.
But I do have God.
I think it's something to do with our inerrant nosiness. It isn't so much the finding, its the having a good look about somebody else's patch to get new ideas, or, the worse side of our human nature, to be critical. And there is something about L3 and Grand Designs that turns it into some sort of soap opera, as they seem to pick the most awkward and/or objectionable people in society.
I have never been in the situation where I have the luxury of choice of where to move into. It's always been - location ok for work, tick, price is right, tick, ok when do we move? Forget decor or whether I like the area, at every move there has been a sense of urgency.
Not this time. I have the luxury of choice, although I now think God wants me to settle quickly. And I think I know which church.
3 churches in 3 weeks - although to be fair, I will never attend the first two regularly due to distance. Number 3, went on recommendation and I already know the pastor as he was the other half of my baptism last year.
I was sitting quietly in the service, so far, so good, maybe less charismatic than I was hoping. Unlikely to be any place for me in the music group, long term maybe very occasionally. Am I in this for the long term? Surely it is far too early...
You have something to offer here. You can be part of the change that I am planning.
Was it God's voice? It sure sounded like it.
I spoke to the pastor afterwards, laid all my cards down and was honest. I've parted company with my previous church, with the senior pastor's blessing. I am looking for a new church. He replied that he had been praying specifically for gifted people to come to his church....
...could it be?
I think I will give this place a couple of months, I don't want to be too hopeful too soon. Yes I am cautious. I am also still hurting a little. It will all take time. Awkward, not sure what I want, not forthright, uncertain, little confidence. And no equivalent of Phil or Kirsty to help me.
But I do have God.
Sunday, 21 October 2012
Another week, another church
I went to my friends' church today, about 50 miles away on the Wirral. What was unexpected was the worship; an all male group and mostly old choruses, when I had been led to believe they did more modern stuff.
Then one friend said to the other - "I think that's the first time I've been there where the worship was made up of old choruses" - must have seen me coming! But I noticed, in contrast, the enthusiasm of the group of 30-40 for these old choruses against the Anglicans of last week with modern hymns and no enthusiasm.
God re-iterating to me that it isn't just what you sing and play.
I was finding it difficult to worship; I'm fighting a cold so my voice was rubbish, the WL insisting on playing everything in the "usual" key (so far too high for me), and some of the old choruses stabbed, even ripped at my memory of what was, what it could have been...
...I am being stupidly sentimental and maybe morbidly pessimistic, but despite pretty speeches of "it will be good to have a holiday from all this" - deep down, the WL in me needs to know when. God spoke to me from Hebrews last night.
Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward. For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise. Hebrews 10:35-36 (KJV 1611)
I cannot know the reward until after I have done God's will, and I need patience, in fact it's that word hoopomonay again - endurance, patient continuance - not really a strongpoint of mine.
And sometimes we need to drop everything, re-prioritise, and move on, marking His footsteps.
Then one friend said to the other - "I think that's the first time I've been there where the worship was made up of old choruses" - must have seen me coming! But I noticed, in contrast, the enthusiasm of the group of 30-40 for these old choruses against the Anglicans of last week with modern hymns and no enthusiasm.
God re-iterating to me that it isn't just what you sing and play.
I was finding it difficult to worship; I'm fighting a cold so my voice was rubbish, the WL insisting on playing everything in the "usual" key (so far too high for me), and some of the old choruses stabbed, even ripped at my memory of what was, what it could have been...
...I am being stupidly sentimental and maybe morbidly pessimistic, but despite pretty speeches of "it will be good to have a holiday from all this" - deep down, the WL in me needs to know when. God spoke to me from Hebrews last night.
Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward. For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise. Hebrews 10:35-36 (KJV 1611)
I cannot know the reward until after I have done God's will, and I need patience, in fact it's that word hoopomonay again - endurance, patient continuance - not really a strongpoint of mine.
And sometimes we need to drop everything, re-prioritise, and move on, marking His footsteps.
Sunday, 7 October 2012
Transition
Worship this morning:
To God be the Glory
Dear Lord and Father of Mankind
One half of communion, then
When I Survey
The message, or most of it, then
Be Thou My Vision
The rest of the message, the other half of communion, then
Jesus, All for Jesus
An interesting mix of very old, and one somewhat more modern - that Atkinson/Mark one just seemed absolutely perfect.
I had my reservations about today. Something happened in the lead up to it which got me a bit riled; it was all sorted by Friday night, but I didn't actually know until this morning what I would be playing and how it would shape up.
I had some tears during Be Thou My Vision, I don't know if they were tears of joy, fear or even guilt. There are some changes ahead, I need to reposition.
This will be my last Sunday "worship" post for a while.
To God be the Glory
Dear Lord and Father of Mankind
One half of communion, then
When I Survey
The message, or most of it, then
Be Thou My Vision
The rest of the message, the other half of communion, then
Jesus, All for Jesus
An interesting mix of very old, and one somewhat more modern - that Atkinson/Mark one just seemed absolutely perfect.
I had my reservations about today. Something happened in the lead up to it which got me a bit riled; it was all sorted by Friday night, but I didn't actually know until this morning what I would be playing and how it would shape up.
I had some tears during Be Thou My Vision, I don't know if they were tears of joy, fear or even guilt. There are some changes ahead, I need to reposition.
This will be my last Sunday "worship" post for a while.
Sunday, 30 September 2012
Beauty
Yesterday, someone prayed for me that, like a butterfly, I would carry God's beauty wherever I went.
Sounds a bit fluffy for me, I thought.
Worship this morning:
Jesus, We Celebrate Your Victory
Crown Him with many Crowns
I Will Offer up my Life (Thankful Heart)
Jesus Shall Take the Highest Honour - the "chorus" only, drifting to...
Isn't He Beautiful - drifting back to the chorus of the former, and I added the cherry of..
I Sing Praises to Your Name
During prayer, it came out that I had blessed someone that morning - the guy who had come to open up! My "warm-up" this morning was Rugged Cross (I tend to pick something at random, usually not something that's part of the main worship) - I was told that he had been touched by it and a seed had been planted and during the message I remembered..
..oh yes...the butterfly....
Some clarity has come at long last. I need to finish the transition, and that's a butterfly analogy in itself. I may have been seeing into another season - and I need to be ready for it first.
Somebody mentioned how tired I looked this morning, but encouraged me in the worship saying it was better than if I had been fresh - God's like that. He gives you the energy even when you're ready to go back to bed.
Sounds a bit fluffy for me, I thought.
Worship this morning:
Jesus, We Celebrate Your Victory
Crown Him with many Crowns
I Will Offer up my Life (Thankful Heart)
Jesus Shall Take the Highest Honour - the "chorus" only, drifting to...
Isn't He Beautiful - drifting back to the chorus of the former, and I added the cherry of..
I Sing Praises to Your Name
During prayer, it came out that I had blessed someone that morning - the guy who had come to open up! My "warm-up" this morning was Rugged Cross (I tend to pick something at random, usually not something that's part of the main worship) - I was told that he had been touched by it and a seed had been planted and during the message I remembered..
..oh yes...the butterfly....
Some clarity has come at long last. I need to finish the transition, and that's a butterfly analogy in itself. I may have been seeing into another season - and I need to be ready for it first.
Somebody mentioned how tired I looked this morning, but encouraged me in the worship saying it was better than if I had been fresh - God's like that. He gives you the energy even when you're ready to go back to bed.
Sunday, 23 September 2012
Clouds
Worship this morning:
The King of Love
Open the Eyes of my Heart
There is a Higher Throne
Light of the World
Thank You for Saving Me
The theme of the message was the power of the cross, it seemed a little obvious, but during ministry I felt I just had to play
Oh to see the Dawn
And just...well....'cos...
Your Name, Higher than I Know
I rarely need an excuse to play that one.
One thing that struck me in the message was a mention of clouds, or at least a cloud, and I thought, yes, I can relate to that, where I feel fine, generally speaking, but I'm dogged by this feeling that things could be better. So many things I could have done, but clouds got in my way....This, despite some wonderfully encouraging words from a speaker I will see again next Thursday, and I will again be leading worship. I'm in for an incredibly busy week. I am actually looking forward to an event at the weekend, and, for once, I will not be involved in any of it, I will blissfully be part of the cong!
Someone missing today as well, I won't see them for over a month probably...this saddened me somewhat and got me wondering just what is going on in their heart. I have already decided to distance myself from the situation, as much as it hurts. I don't even know whether to get in contact with them.
And sad news from the one who is now alone in the world, despite the army of friends, they are just a crowd of faces to them...
Although I rarely practice Sunday afternoons, I will do today - I want to be at my best next Thursday, and keep a right frame of mind.
The King of Love
Open the Eyes of my Heart
There is a Higher Throne
Light of the World
Thank You for Saving Me
The theme of the message was the power of the cross, it seemed a little obvious, but during ministry I felt I just had to play
Oh to see the Dawn
And just...well....'cos...
Your Name, Higher than I Know
I rarely need an excuse to play that one.
One thing that struck me in the message was a mention of clouds, or at least a cloud, and I thought, yes, I can relate to that, where I feel fine, generally speaking, but I'm dogged by this feeling that things could be better. So many things I could have done, but clouds got in my way....This, despite some wonderfully encouraging words from a speaker I will see again next Thursday, and I will again be leading worship. I'm in for an incredibly busy week. I am actually looking forward to an event at the weekend, and, for once, I will not be involved in any of it, I will blissfully be part of the cong!
Someone missing today as well, I won't see them for over a month probably...this saddened me somewhat and got me wondering just what is going on in their heart. I have already decided to distance myself from the situation, as much as it hurts. I don't even know whether to get in contact with them.
And sad news from the one who is now alone in the world, despite the army of friends, they are just a crowd of faces to them...
Although I rarely practice Sunday afternoons, I will do today - I want to be at my best next Thursday, and keep a right frame of mind.
Sunday, 16 September 2012
Hope, Promises, Love
Worship this morning:
Tell Out my Soul
From the Breaking of the Dawn
Above All Powers
At the Cross
I Worship You, Almighty God
I will maintain and even improve upon all mortal relationships, for if a relationship moves into a different chapter, I want it to continue, even if it's from afar. What good is it to sour, you may need it later - and you could end up trying to use something very skanky indeed!
When I think that the next time the group could be properly together again, the clocks would have gone back and autumn will be moving into winter, it sorta saddens me, and my heart pangs as I really don't know what's going to happen "beyond", once plans laid are put into action. Yes, I have three more Sundays, a special day and possibly another Saturday as a "locum" (though several of us are praying that the permanent WL comes back, soon, for their spiritual health) - yet it feels like a gradual descent into a feather bed of rest, and yet in this bed I will have to also seek.
I feel so so tired, I'm not even halfway yet. I am happy - sort of - but I am a little fearful that my strength could give out, that I have taken on much too much against God's will.
I think I'll take it gradually at work tomorrow, I'm actually looking forward to it as I'll be seeing parts of a process as yet unseen.
I pray for my own spiritual clouded glass to clear soon. It is. Slowly. Maybe I'm afraid of what it might show.
Tell Out my Soul
From the Breaking of the Dawn
Above All Powers
At the Cross
I Worship You, Almighty God
I will maintain and even improve upon all mortal relationships, for if a relationship moves into a different chapter, I want it to continue, even if it's from afar. What good is it to sour, you may need it later - and you could end up trying to use something very skanky indeed!
When I think that the next time the group could be properly together again, the clocks would have gone back and autumn will be moving into winter, it sorta saddens me, and my heart pangs as I really don't know what's going to happen "beyond", once plans laid are put into action. Yes, I have three more Sundays, a special day and possibly another Saturday as a "locum" (though several of us are praying that the permanent WL comes back, soon, for their spiritual health) - yet it feels like a gradual descent into a feather bed of rest, and yet in this bed I will have to also seek.
I feel so so tired, I'm not even halfway yet. I am happy - sort of - but I am a little fearful that my strength could give out, that I have taken on much too much against God's will.
I think I'll take it gradually at work tomorrow, I'm actually looking forward to it as I'll be seeing parts of a process as yet unseen.
I pray for my own spiritual clouded glass to clear soon. It is. Slowly. Maybe I'm afraid of what it might show.
Sunday, 9 September 2012
Revelation
Someone read out that passage in 1 Corinth this morning - behold I show you a mystery etc. It's odd (or maybe not) that the choruses I'm preparing lately have been on Revelations theme. No, I'm not going to make anything of this, prophetically, but it is good to be reminded of this, where we will ultimately be, and united, despite having brethren missing from the mortal plane...
Worship this morning:
Men of Faith (which the leader loved this morning, awoke something in his spirit)
All I Once Held Dear
Be Thou my Vision
Into Your Hands
Jesus Be the Centre
Almost got carried away with this - it's almost heartbreaking for me to detach myself from it sometimes but I have to - else I'd be a little puddle on the floor. The words are so appropriate to my circumstances at the moment.
It was good to feel fed this morning. As I was yesterday. But I have, potentially, 11 worship sessions this month and into the first week of October, 6 of which will likely be on my own. 2 down, 9 to go. Informed Bossman this morning that I am, effectively, taking October off due to practical, logistical and personal reasons (i.e. I'll probably be at dropping point) but there are plans in October that I haven't told him about....
...I had an email the other day, and you know when you think you know someone really well, and you sense they are not telling you something because they're not sure themselves, but in your spirit you maybe have insight into what decision they're about to make...I may be totally off the mark anyway. We'll see.
Worship this morning:
Men of Faith (which the leader loved this morning, awoke something in his spirit)
All I Once Held Dear
Be Thou my Vision
Into Your Hands
Jesus Be the Centre
Almost got carried away with this - it's almost heartbreaking for me to detach myself from it sometimes but I have to - else I'd be a little puddle on the floor. The words are so appropriate to my circumstances at the moment.
It was good to feel fed this morning. As I was yesterday. But I have, potentially, 11 worship sessions this month and into the first week of October, 6 of which will likely be on my own. 2 down, 9 to go. Informed Bossman this morning that I am, effectively, taking October off due to practical, logistical and personal reasons (i.e. I'll probably be at dropping point) but there are plans in October that I haven't told him about....
...I had an email the other day, and you know when you think you know someone really well, and you sense they are not telling you something because they're not sure themselves, but in your spirit you maybe have insight into what decision they're about to make...I may be totally off the mark anyway. We'll see.
Sunday, 26 August 2012
One better day
Worship this morning
Jesus, We Celebrate Your Victory
Fill Your Hearts with Joy
Wonderful Grace
Purify My Heart
You Have Been So Good
Ever the eagle-eyed (although I'm not good at hiding my feelings), Bossman homed in on me today and asked how I was, I said spiritually I was a bit rough. I didn't go into too many details, but I think he could guess.
I'm really not ready to discuss it all.
But...today was a better day. It wasn't particularly special. I didn't feel especially "zapped" or annointed...just...calm. It puts me in mind of my "hurricane" theory of last year; the eye of the storm is always the quietest.
With the encounter yesterday, a bible reading last night out of Psalm 77 and a general feeling that I have to prioritise and put Him at the top of the list, I feel a mixture of peace and anticipation, with a pinch of God fear, a sprinkling of mortal fear and a quite liberal amount of chastisement.
This has left me a bit confused - but I least I know I am confused, rather than just a teensy bit insane.
Or maybe I'm that too. After all, one of the roots of Hallelujah, Haw-lal, also means "foolishness".
Am I to carry on and be a fool for God? Time will tell.
Jesus, We Celebrate Your Victory
Fill Your Hearts with Joy
Wonderful Grace
Purify My Heart
You Have Been So Good
Ever the eagle-eyed (although I'm not good at hiding my feelings), Bossman homed in on me today and asked how I was, I said spiritually I was a bit rough. I didn't go into too many details, but I think he could guess.
I'm really not ready to discuss it all.
But...today was a better day. It wasn't particularly special. I didn't feel especially "zapped" or annointed...just...calm. It puts me in mind of my "hurricane" theory of last year; the eye of the storm is always the quietest.
With the encounter yesterday, a bible reading last night out of Psalm 77 and a general feeling that I have to prioritise and put Him at the top of the list, I feel a mixture of peace and anticipation, with a pinch of God fear, a sprinkling of mortal fear and a quite liberal amount of chastisement.
This has left me a bit confused - but I least I know I am confused, rather than just a teensy bit insane.
Or maybe I'm that too. After all, one of the roots of Hallelujah, Haw-lal, also means "foolishness".
Am I to carry on and be a fool for God? Time will tell.
Sunday, 19 August 2012
Faith
Almost slap bang in the centre of Lamentations, a book perhaps second only to Revelations in descriptive horror:
"It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is Thy faithfulness." - Lam 3:22-23 KJV 1611
Amazing isn't it, that in the midst of Jeremiah's discourse, when it sounds like it can't get any worse, he praises God that he is still alive.
Worship this morning:
Holy, Holy, God Almighty
Lord I come before Your throne
In Christ Alone
On the Cross
All Hail the Lamb
...and I felt that we needed to carry on singing, so
I just want to praise You
And, unusually, I was invited to play something after the message, and I chose
My Lord, what Love is this
And although they are not out of woods, my friend's act of rebellion was to turn up at church today, despite having a major operation a couple of weeks back. No, it didn't blow up, it was peaceful, but I sensed a certain tension, which wasn't allowed to develop. It was good to see them, and when I hugged them goodbye and they said they missed me, I said, me too, more than you know. It may be a few weeks before I see them again - yes, there's the phone, yes there's email, yes I could even go see them...somehow it's not the same out of the environment of the church.
Yesterday, during prayer, I felt the tangle that I've been caught up in, unravel a little, freedom and sunshine didn't seem as far away than of late. Maybe clarity is not far behind, maybe I can grasp hold of what God is trying to tell me....
...there was further news today of someone who isn't a member of the church but is a long term friend of many within the church (and his spouse was my predecessor)...let's just say the news, on a mortal level, isn't good.
I have come to understand that death is not an ending - it is a beginning, although it can feel like an ending to those they leave behind. It is, indeed, a bridge, that we cannot cross (and must not attempt to prematurely - although technically we can!) until God so calls us. It's the interminable wait though - and maybe the knowledge that when we see them again it will be different and the relationship cannot be as it was on earth - it will in fact be something better. My SOH agrees though - we may go separately (the likelihood is high in fact - you can probably guess why) - but when we meet again, the relationship will be perhaps more "special" than others, and even those who have had multiple spouses, they will be in some sort of special harmony and they, perhaps, will have more to enjoy, as they have shed the most tears...
I am perhaps being whimsical, it's not something I dwell on much. Over the next week, I need to quit maudlin, and do more kneeling.
"It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is Thy faithfulness." - Lam 3:22-23 KJV 1611
Amazing isn't it, that in the midst of Jeremiah's discourse, when it sounds like it can't get any worse, he praises God that he is still alive.
Worship this morning:
Holy, Holy, God Almighty
Lord I come before Your throne
In Christ Alone
On the Cross
All Hail the Lamb
...and I felt that we needed to carry on singing, so
I just want to praise You
And, unusually, I was invited to play something after the message, and I chose
My Lord, what Love is this
And although they are not out of woods, my friend's act of rebellion was to turn up at church today, despite having a major operation a couple of weeks back. No, it didn't blow up, it was peaceful, but I sensed a certain tension, which wasn't allowed to develop. It was good to see them, and when I hugged them goodbye and they said they missed me, I said, me too, more than you know. It may be a few weeks before I see them again - yes, there's the phone, yes there's email, yes I could even go see them...somehow it's not the same out of the environment of the church.
Yesterday, during prayer, I felt the tangle that I've been caught up in, unravel a little, freedom and sunshine didn't seem as far away than of late. Maybe clarity is not far behind, maybe I can grasp hold of what God is trying to tell me....
...there was further news today of someone who isn't a member of the church but is a long term friend of many within the church (and his spouse was my predecessor)...let's just say the news, on a mortal level, isn't good.
I have come to understand that death is not an ending - it is a beginning, although it can feel like an ending to those they leave behind. It is, indeed, a bridge, that we cannot cross (and must not attempt to prematurely - although technically we can!) until God so calls us. It's the interminable wait though - and maybe the knowledge that when we see them again it will be different and the relationship cannot be as it was on earth - it will in fact be something better. My SOH agrees though - we may go separately (the likelihood is high in fact - you can probably guess why) - but when we meet again, the relationship will be perhaps more "special" than others, and even those who have had multiple spouses, they will be in some sort of special harmony and they, perhaps, will have more to enjoy, as they have shed the most tears...
I am perhaps being whimsical, it's not something I dwell on much. Over the next week, I need to quit maudlin, and do more kneeling.
Sunday, 12 August 2012
New chapters
Worship this morning:
In Heavenly Armour
Jesus Shall Take the Highest Honour
I will sing the Wondrous story
I will offer up my life
Jesus, all for Jesus
I made a decision today - I was somewhat "motivated" (if that's the correct word) by comments made the last two Friday Bible studies, and a further one today.
It probably won't be popular - especially with one person. And - most of all - I hate the fact I may be letting them down. Something radical would have to happen to make me change my mind, or my heart will really have to change, or an attitude needs to be kicked into touch. If that happens, for sure, I'll rethink - but I almost feel like it would be a miracle of similar proportions to curing a terminal illness. This is possible, and I believe it. But I've felt like this for too long, and as each day, week, month goes by it just intensifies.
A door is opening. Someone said to me recently that this door, this opportunity, may not be either/or. It could be something that God is using to supplement what I'm doing already. But I've been pondering some lyrics recently, from a favourite secular song of mine by Pink Floyd:
"Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?"
I asked this question of God last night - did I? He seemed to answer that it was a question of perception. Being WL could be a small part of a large war - or - as it feels at the moment - a monkey trap. The new opp could involve WL - for a short while at least, it would be in no wise as permanent as I have here - but I would prefer a lowlier position - even just to be part of a cong again - than to carry on fighting things I cannot see. Give it over to God, I can hear some of you saying, well, this is part of it.
In 6-7 weeks, something very profound has to happen for the wind of change to revert back to the previous direction. There is an impetus inside me now that I feel cannot be denied. It's time to make a radical, perhaps life-changing decision, before the spirit in me dies. It is that serious. I'm sick of bread and milk, I need meat. If that means coming down a peg or two or entering a valley or a wilderness I will do it, because I cannot carry on in the fashion I am now.
In Heavenly Armour
Jesus Shall Take the Highest Honour
I will sing the Wondrous story
I will offer up my life
Jesus, all for Jesus
I made a decision today - I was somewhat "motivated" (if that's the correct word) by comments made the last two Friday Bible studies, and a further one today.
It probably won't be popular - especially with one person. And - most of all - I hate the fact I may be letting them down. Something radical would have to happen to make me change my mind, or my heart will really have to change, or an attitude needs to be kicked into touch. If that happens, for sure, I'll rethink - but I almost feel like it would be a miracle of similar proportions to curing a terminal illness. This is possible, and I believe it. But I've felt like this for too long, and as each day, week, month goes by it just intensifies.
A door is opening. Someone said to me recently that this door, this opportunity, may not be either/or. It could be something that God is using to supplement what I'm doing already. But I've been pondering some lyrics recently, from a favourite secular song of mine by Pink Floyd:
"Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?"
I asked this question of God last night - did I? He seemed to answer that it was a question of perception. Being WL could be a small part of a large war - or - as it feels at the moment - a monkey trap. The new opp could involve WL - for a short while at least, it would be in no wise as permanent as I have here - but I would prefer a lowlier position - even just to be part of a cong again - than to carry on fighting things I cannot see. Give it over to God, I can hear some of you saying, well, this is part of it.
In 6-7 weeks, something very profound has to happen for the wind of change to revert back to the previous direction. There is an impetus inside me now that I feel cannot be denied. It's time to make a radical, perhaps life-changing decision, before the spirit in me dies. It is that serious. I'm sick of bread and milk, I need meat. If that means coming down a peg or two or entering a valley or a wilderness I will do it, because I cannot carry on in the fashion I am now.
Sunday, 5 August 2012
And the greatest of these...
Worship this morning
The King of Love is my Delight
The Love of God is Greater Far
Beautiful Lord, Wonderful Saviour
You Are God in Heaven - a.k.a. Let my words be few. I used the chorus only
Here I am Waiting
And, totally unplanned, but felt right:
Amazing Grace
Gosh, it feels like a long time since I did that one.
Yes, Love was the theme, and Love and the Potter was the theme of the message.
Still can't shake this unease. There are a number of things causing this, and I'm slowly building a journal of thoughts and it all points to something that seems horribly inevitable. Nothing is inevitable where God is concerned, I need to look at this outside my own understanding.
I heard a story last night of a guy who filmed this monkey at the zoo; the monkey was pointing at a lock as if to say to let him out. Somewhat heartwrenching - you want to fulfill their request, but know it's not in their best interests...
..well, I got something similar today, on a human scale. The desperate request from someone and you don't know if it is the best thing, or, more importantly, inside God's will.
And as an interesting footnote - I have been official worship leader of my church for one year, or at least, this is my 53rd week - Tuesday is the "official" anniversary I suppose, being the first Sunday I led after my predecessor left, but the first day was really 1st August.
The King of Love is my Delight
The Love of God is Greater Far
Beautiful Lord, Wonderful Saviour
You Are God in Heaven - a.k.a. Let my words be few. I used the chorus only
Here I am Waiting
And, totally unplanned, but felt right:
Amazing Grace
Gosh, it feels like a long time since I did that one.
Yes, Love was the theme, and Love and the Potter was the theme of the message.
Still can't shake this unease. There are a number of things causing this, and I'm slowly building a journal of thoughts and it all points to something that seems horribly inevitable. Nothing is inevitable where God is concerned, I need to look at this outside my own understanding.
I heard a story last night of a guy who filmed this monkey at the zoo; the monkey was pointing at a lock as if to say to let him out. Somewhat heartwrenching - you want to fulfill their request, but know it's not in their best interests...
..well, I got something similar today, on a human scale. The desperate request from someone and you don't know if it is the best thing, or, more importantly, inside God's will.
And as an interesting footnote - I have been official worship leader of my church for one year, or at least, this is my 53rd week - Tuesday is the "official" anniversary I suppose, being the first Sunday I led after my predecessor left, but the first day was really 1st August.
Sunday, 29 July 2012
Lay it at the feet
Worship this morning:
Rejoice!
Take us to the River
Your Love shining like the sun (Pour over me)
Jesus You are changing me
There were 5 originally scheduled, but the Spirit led it all differently this morning. Further news of improvement in the health of my Brother in Christ, which nearly had me in tears before worship began.
Still there is a raincloud. Still there is something that needs serious sorting. I'm not sure where it's going to turn, but I need to take the advice that's been given - Give. It. To. Him. Quit wrestling with it.
I nearly posted something on Friday or Saturday about something that happened Thursday, but I realised that it was going to be a girliepitypartyrant, unhelpful and not exactly objective. And very confusing to the casual reader. And probably to me some months down the line. Needless to say, similar has happened before. From the same person. And it's been going on for months. Bringing me down. Making me doubt my future.
I complained that the night has been long. I've been told to be faithful until dawn. Here's some honesty - I don't know whether I can or if I am being faithful to the right calling. It could all be taken out of my hands anyway. Don't get me wrong - I do not doubt what I've been called to be - I doubt where I've been called. But it was good to talk to someone today who truly understands my position. Oh how God knew that they had to be there the first time I poured out my heart on these matters. How could we have possibly imagined it would be under these circumstances.
And this is confusing to the casual leader. Sorry about that. But I have to lay it somewhere, why not here?
Rejoice!
Take us to the River
Your Love shining like the sun (Pour over me)
Jesus You are changing me
There were 5 originally scheduled, but the Spirit led it all differently this morning. Further news of improvement in the health of my Brother in Christ, which nearly had me in tears before worship began.
Still there is a raincloud. Still there is something that needs serious sorting. I'm not sure where it's going to turn, but I need to take the advice that's been given - Give. It. To. Him. Quit wrestling with it.
I nearly posted something on Friday or Saturday about something that happened Thursday, but I realised that it was going to be a girliepitypartyrant, unhelpful and not exactly objective. And very confusing to the casual reader. And probably to me some months down the line. Needless to say, similar has happened before. From the same person. And it's been going on for months. Bringing me down. Making me doubt my future.
I complained that the night has been long. I've been told to be faithful until dawn. Here's some honesty - I don't know whether I can or if I am being faithful to the right calling. It could all be taken out of my hands anyway. Don't get me wrong - I do not doubt what I've been called to be - I doubt where I've been called. But it was good to talk to someone today who truly understands my position. Oh how God knew that they had to be there the first time I poured out my heart on these matters. How could we have possibly imagined it would be under these circumstances.
And this is confusing to the casual leader. Sorry about that. But I have to lay it somewhere, why not here?
Sunday, 22 July 2012
I'm back...
Worship this morning
Jesus, Hope of the Nations
O Lord Our God (Magnify)
I Lift my Hands
You are Beautiful
Thou Art Worthy
And for some reason I had a strong urge to play Your Name, ouch sorry group. I'm back.
The church does seem empty without a couple of leaders, both MIA, one by choice the other not.
It was, however, good to be back. And I'm sorry the weekend's over. Which means it's been a good one.
Jesus, Hope of the Nations
O Lord Our God (Magnify)
I Lift my Hands
You are Beautiful
Thou Art Worthy
And for some reason I had a strong urge to play Your Name, ouch sorry group. I'm back.
The church does seem empty without a couple of leaders, both MIA, one by choice the other not.
It was, however, good to be back. And I'm sorry the weekend's over. Which means it's been a good one.
Sunday, 15 July 2012
Ready?
Yes, Boss, I guess I am.
When I got to church this morning, my whole attitude changed. Nothing much has changed inside, but my spirit just wanted to praise the Lord and listen to the gospel.
Some healing takes time, and I have a few brothers in Christ that need some of that - physical healing, which I know will take time. Some scars take longer to heal, but God has done a bit of work in dry dock and...
Am I ready to raise my sail?
Yes.
When I got to church this morning, my whole attitude changed. Nothing much has changed inside, but my spirit just wanted to praise the Lord and listen to the gospel.
Some healing takes time, and I have a few brothers in Christ that need some of that - physical healing, which I know will take time. Some scars take longer to heal, but God has done a bit of work in dry dock and...
Am I ready to raise my sail?
Yes.
Sunday, 8 July 2012
Relaxed, but overwhelmed with love
Wonderful taste of what could be in church this morning. I'll say no more than that.
I was comfortable as a member of the congregation. I didn't feel weird or out of position, I was just worshipping my God in spirit and truth. It was a very relaxed service too, not always following the scheduled songs. I sung one a cappella and everyone joined in...you can take the girl away from worship leading, but you can't take the worship leader out of the girl. Felt terrific, but I thought how members of the cong can also be worship leaders, without taking away the authority from the one in the front. I'm going to think on that one a bit.
A chat with my friend (who is also temporarily in charge for a few weeks) and we've agreed I will concentrate on the other event next weekend, and resume Sundays the week after. That said - I had a request made of me for the following weekend...
I am a bit overwhelmed with the blessings, and the duties God is requiring of me. Can I by my own strength? No, but I can by His.
I also confided in my friend my spiritual issues, particularly this burden I appear to have for my predecessor. You need to keep praying for them, they said. That I can do, I just feel so helpless, though. Why are they weighing so heavy? Well, just maybe that's because God needs me to provide strength for one that is weak, and yet when I think of words to describe them, weak isn't one of them.
Maybe this situation is an exception. Something else to think on.
I was comfortable as a member of the congregation. I didn't feel weird or out of position, I was just worshipping my God in spirit and truth. It was a very relaxed service too, not always following the scheduled songs. I sung one a cappella and everyone joined in...you can take the girl away from worship leading, but you can't take the worship leader out of the girl. Felt terrific, but I thought how members of the cong can also be worship leaders, without taking away the authority from the one in the front. I'm going to think on that one a bit.
A chat with my friend (who is also temporarily in charge for a few weeks) and we've agreed I will concentrate on the other event next weekend, and resume Sundays the week after. That said - I had a request made of me for the following weekend...
I am a bit overwhelmed with the blessings, and the duties God is requiring of me. Can I by my own strength? No, but I can by His.
I also confided in my friend my spiritual issues, particularly this burden I appear to have for my predecessor. You need to keep praying for them, they said. That I can do, I just feel so helpless, though. Why are they weighing so heavy? Well, just maybe that's because God needs me to provide strength for one that is weak, and yet when I think of words to describe them, weak isn't one of them.
Maybe this situation is an exception. Something else to think on.
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