Rest

So, I'm free of any obligations for a few weeks, except for work of course.  I am in for a busy January as there are potentially 3 outreach sessions for WL, one of which is all day.

My health issues have settled down, although I have more tests coming up.  I am much calmer.  I am also hopeful, but maybe a bit impatient.  I have concerns for my friend, but at the same time I have a rather exciting vision for them I'd love to get confirmed.  I am slightly annoyed with one particular person, but that problem seems to have dissipated and I will quickly forgive them.  Last night I had a half hour ponder/meditate on "unity" and the lack of it in churches.  I was thinking about where I could end up, and in what capacity.

These are just a few things buzzing round my head at the moment.  I didn't go to church yesterday, I felt that the two outreach sessions were enough fellowship for the week, especially as I saw some old friends there...

...do I have any regrets?  On leaving, no.  For making some friendships more distant, oh definitely...

I don't think I'll go to church next week either.  As much as I love carols, as regular readers may know I feel uncomfortable with reducing the Son of God to a child in a manger.  Just the knowledge He came in poverty is enough.  It was what He became that is important.

End of December/start of January, I'll look at a couple more churches, and hopefully, eventually, settle.

With a prayer

Better than I ever dared hope.  Praise God.

I have been released, with the blessings of the senior Pastor.

And...that's it.  I am now without a church.  Of course I am still part of the church body, my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, I am still on a journey with one destination, but...

...this could be scary.  I'm travelling free.  But at the tiller is Christ.

I have one more conversation to have, with a person unconnected with the church, but I just want to let this sink in for a while.

What have I done? 

Cornered into a position (as usual) where I have to trust God to take charge.

This could get very very interesting.

Detached

Now there's a word.

That word was said to me a few weeks ago by a new friend, who said they felt "detatched".

I know what they're on about, I can totally relate.

Everyone needs a bosom to run to.  I feel a bit let down of late.  No, not by God, absolutely not.  Not by my SOH either who I know will be perfect in a crisis if this escalates.  No, I feel let down by other mere mortals.  I stretch out a hand, and it feels like it's ignored.

I was looking through my modern Anglican hymnbook - some might call the publication "eccentric", others "a bit PC focussed" - f'r'instance, it has "Onward Christian Pilgrims" rather than Soldiers.   Hmm.  Anyway, there were two hymns my eyes alighted upon "Good King Wenceslas" and a new one on me "Going Home" (which has now become a strong contender for my funeral hymn; every Christian seems to have one).  One invites you to tread in Christ's footsteps, the other reminds you that "Christ has gone before"

Christ has gone before.  What a fabulous reminder for those about to enter unknown territory.  Like I might be.

In other news, I might actually be....sssshhh...nervous  Still, Sunday morning will come and go, as will next Thursday.  All I can do right now is pray.

Victory

I think it is "Christus Victor" on my mp3 player (another Kingsway freebie) which ends with a short sermon of sorts from the singer.

He talks about football team "victories", countries taking over other countries "victories" but he says that these are all temporary, it all changes, beit in a year, or a hundred years, someone else gets their time and so on and so forth.

Only one victory is permanent.  Selah.

It's difficult to express my attitude towards a certain situation at the moment without sounding like I'm "giving in", but I think some people need to let go.

If I was directly affected by it, I would feel differently, sure, but at the same time I think I would need to stop and ask some important questions:

Who is the Master of life and death anyway?  Who has control of this person's life?  Who has already won the victory?

The answer to all of them is the Answer to the problem.  Trouble is, too many people have decided they know what's best and are, effectively, in my mind, telling God what to do, when they should just...let...go and give it to Him.  Yes, it's painful.  Yes, the result may not be what you are praying for.  But who is Master of your life?  Who is Master of their's?

My friend, who had a brush with death, the other week said "What I care about is that God's will is done." I believed them.  But with their mouths other people are saying "Thy will be done" (...but as long as it's mine too)

For someone in Christ, death is not an ending.  It can seem like an ending to those left behind and I can hardly begin to empathise.  But something in my nature is seeing the practical side of all this, that one day, I will see all of my friends again, and I may actually end up kind of jealous if they go before me.

The fear of years and years of loneliness is something I have lived with - but this fear is starting to dissipate.  Incredibly, all this stuff going on in and around the churches, mine and others I've heard of, those critically ill, or had a brush with death, or lost a spouse due to critical illness...has improved my prayer life 100 fold and...given me hope that I can cope for a time that has a high chance of occuring.  And this, in itself, was an answer to prayer...

Late edit approx 16:45:  It's over.  Another spirit gone to be with the Lord Jesus, and another lonely heart on earth.  It's a circle we may never understand and will only be ended once the final victory is won.

Good and bad

Strangely, Kingsway haven't posted anything this week - it may be down to holidays, they may post something later, but has never been this late before - so I'm guessing that there won't be one this week.

I've got a fair bit to occupy my mind anyway.

Got some upsetting news this morning regarding one sick friend, who has basically had a turn for the worse.  I won't go into my thoughts here, and at the risk of this maybe sounding strange, it is their spouse that I feel most for, and have the burden from the Lord to pray for - and I do, nightly, and sometimes during the day.  We know where the person is going - and so does the spouse - but it doesn't make it any easier to bear - I'm sure one of my followers relates strongly to that, albeit that I cannot.  Yet.  That day may come for me, and maybe this is what stings my conscience.  I am very likely to end up alone for a period of my life and I am so grateful Christ is a Friend, the greatest I could have, because my secular personality...

...I dread to think what my secular personality would do in such a situation...

I should pray for a miracle - but it is actually a little more complicated than that.  I believe in miracles, actually I know they exist, but in this situation it is difficult to know what to pray for.  It's almost as if God has given me an easy way out in praying primarily for their spouse.

But there was good news today.  One of my closest brothers in Christ, as mentioned the other day, is still improving and has come home.  This is truly joyous news, and I actually wonder whether I'll be able to visit him next week?  It would be good if I can get my act together to do at least that.

Prayer or Perspective?

Or another P word - philosophical.

When my mind and heart quit raging about something, and I realise that it really isn't worth the aggro, I often feel it's my secular self saying to my spiritual self, "Stop being such a drama queen."

She's wrong actually.  But she does have a point.  I can't do anything about this until Wednesday, and God's timing, impeccable as always, has made sure that I calmed down and had a few prayers said over me first before I even begin to think about doing anything about it, and making sure that any form of temptation is out of the way.  I actually put it down to the prayer, not the self admonishment, that my attitude is 100% improved today than from yesterday, and about 200% from last Thursday.

Is it really worth getting uptight over?  Actually, a couple of people think it is.  It isn't far away from my thoughts, but it has been "filed" in "pending".  It may stare at me angrily for a couple of days...but.  I will not let it overtake my thoughts.  This sure is a personality learning curve.

I now know what I need to say.  The rest is up to God.  Do I trust Him?  Yes.  Let's go.

Always on my mind

There are some things that really are totally out of your control and there is no point worrying about them, as they just become a burden.

Practice was good last night, it was good to be back actually, some easy picks made this week which made for a relaxed and joyful session...

...then one of us shared some news that was not good, and sent me into introspection.  I'm already praying into the situation (from a specific angle) and there are others I know praying in, and fervently, from other angles.  It is serious enough that weak Christians could start to lose faith.  Oh yes, it really is that serious.

I was thinking about it before work this morning, that the Resurrection is the ultimate miracle and this is what we should focus on when doubts start to creep in.  There were witnesses to the living, walking, talking Christ after death on the Cross - why lie about it, and therefore, why doubt it happened?

I'm praying specifically for two people, at the moment, one is also unwell, but I know that God has too much in store for them to be taken away or even stop.  So I'm praying for quick recovery for this one (and for God to speak to them whilst they have the opportunity - they're always zipping around being Martha, and forget to be Mary).  I have no doubts.  I just worry they have too much self-will, and may forget to take things slowly.

The other is a spouse of one who is seriously unwell and it is this person for whom we had worrying news.  I hear statements of faith about them, how a miracle will occur, that they will be healed.  I fervently hope they will.  Why has God put their spouse so specifically on my heart?  I find a prayer for them every night, even when I don't feel like praying or am very tired.  In my mind, they stand stark against a bright blue sky, and I'm starting to get visions for them, and last night they were in a dream I had.  Why is this?  I don't even want to think as to why it could be - I just pray.  If I could ask God for what the future holds, I don't think I would, because I'm scared of the answer.  And I don't think He would tell me anyway.

This person though - always on my mind.  I'm here.  I'm praying for you.

Wow

Two Wednesdays running, I've fasted, for approx 21 hours each time.  First time was water only, second time the very occasional tea/weak coffee, flushed with lots of water.  (I got a slight headache just after lunch, really, the experts are right, avoid caffeine when you're fasting.  If I hadn't had plenty of water as well, I think it may have been worse)

I don't know why, I just felt, with recent discussions with the pastor, it was the right thing to do in my circumstance.

Then, a little while after lunchtime yesterday, just when I was thinking "why am I fasting at all, shouldn't I have some sort of purpose?" a revelation hit me right in between the eyeballs.  It isn't especially new, but it became real.

Do you ever get that?  You might become over-familiarised with various passages of scripture, and you become anethetised to them, you know they are true, but they aren't real to you.

The testimony that I will probably share on Sunday, I won't share here.  That is because it is linked to my employer, and I don't want to state who they are on the blog (and the testimony will make it obvious who they are, even if I don't say the name) - I don't want to link blog and employer in that way, for various reasons.

I still have a thorn in my flesh, and I got a phone call yesterday with a suggestion of how to alleviate it.  I still have concerns for the church's future and my future.   I still panic, I'm still overly anal about certain matters, but God said to me very clearly yesterday:

Child, you are Mine.

That's special.

Rollercoaster

Thank you God.

Praise You, Lord, for Your mercies endure forever.

Whatever comes my way, whether they be fiery darts or flaming boulders, You, and only You can shield me from harm.

Thank You for finding me again.  Thank You for starting again with me and shaping me with Your Potter's Hand into the person You want me to be.  Thank You for your abundant gifts and blessings upon me, for bestowing them although I am unworthy of them, for what can I give in return but my heart, praise from my lips, spirit and soul, praise that is to You only, Heavenly Father, for great Thou Art, Thou art worthy.

Through everything, whether it be tears or joy, work or play, I will praise You, O Lord, my shield, my buckler, in Thee I trust alone.

Thank You for friends, for fellowship, for your abundant mercies on Your children, for the protection and comfort You give all those that belong to You.  You have called me Yours.  You have claimed me as Yours alone.  You have snatched me from the brink of hell.

Praise You, O Holy, Holy, Holy art Thou, O God.  My God, I will praise You forever.

Refiner's Fire

Worship this morning:

Holy, Holy God Almighty
Lord, the Light of Your Love is Shining
How Deep the Father's Love for Us
Don't Let My Love Go Cold
Jesus, my Strength

Before we started, the pastor had three words given to him at around 6.00am this morning: Presence, Worship and Gold.

...I think God covered it with the worship.  :-)

In fact, refiner's fire was the theme this morning, and earlier in the week the Spirit led me to recognise within myself a bad emotion that I've had since I was kid.  I prayed on Friday night that Jesus would free me of it, as I did not want to feel it anymore.  I hadn't hurt anyone, physically or emotionally, but it was cutting me up inside.  Time will tell if I do feel it again, I believe if I do, it will be with less intensity, until one day, Hallelujah, I'll realise that it has gone, the repentance and cleansing work will be over.

I've picked the songs (or at least, God has) for next week, and I did it again - I mixed up two songs when giving them to the pianist.  (Circle on wall, write bang head here hard)  I have my concerns about one which may be too high, but to be safe I didn't say that one to him, in case I change it again.  The pivotal hymn I heard on my mp3 player, and I felt that "pang", love at first hearing, which I just know is the Spirit telling me that this is the Word that He wants me to convey.  Another newbie for the church (but is around 17 years old).

We all agreed how good worship was this morning.  Can I keep this up? I asked the pastor.  Pray for more he said.  What I have to bear in mind is that this isn't by my own efforts.  Yes, I did pretty well in my previous career, by my own efforts, and was slapped hard when I failed to achieve the expectations that were required of me, a level that had been set by previous performance.  This is no performance, this is duty.  In some ways it is easier that my Creator is in charge, but I'll feel worse failing Him than the church.  I was actually slightly nervous this morning, and you know...I think this is a good thing....