Green pastures

Well it's been over a month since I posted here.  Life gets away from me sometimes, and I got to thinking the other day, 2 months gone and has anything happened at all for me this year?

Well, actually, a lot has happened.  But it's mostly been work within my heart rather than physical events.  Though there has been a few of those also.  Like, finding a new church.  Finding a new friend within that church.  Starting to move in evangelical worship. (who'd have thought, an Anglican Pentecostal like me?)  My friend, nearly clear of cancer, praise God for His healing power.  Passing anniversaries, some joyful, some I find difficult to ponder on without tears.  There are a lot of anniversaries for me at this time of year.  Planning a trip to London.  Looking forward to trips in June that are work related.  Personal health scares are over.   And although it is still cold here, watching spring develop and the evenings get longer.

Mostly though, God is changing my attitude in a few things - and giving me strong convictions in others.  Several subjects will get me off on a rant I would probably be unable to stop.  Unity.  Revival.  Denominations.  Community work and the church.  Issues that schism the church such as gay marriage and women bishops.

Some may call me two faced with some of the opinions, which I really don't want to go into (I could write me a book).  But I don't really matter.  I am just one voice amongst thousands.  What matters is - just where is the church going, and why aren't those responsible guiding the vehicle just a little more surely, with purpose and clear directives?  And when they do have a clear directive, or a programme that works, why aren't they sharing and/or voicing their successes and failures to help others move on?

Outreach this week.  I have a feeling that at the end of the summer that task will be no more.  I'm OK with this though I think.  I could let go when God requires it, because He will replace it with something else.  Something different.  Something special.  Something awesome.

Strength

It's amazing how He sends comfort at unexpected times.

I was feeling quite sorry for myself last night; I was watching a film about a young man and his dragon saving the world, or at least his locality, which took my mind off the health issues I've been suffering.

One of them, although not serious, could affect my WL work.  There's nothing that my doctor can do at the moment - unless it worsens.  The other two are doing their best to take my joy away.

So there I was, half watching the big fire sequences and half thinking about the church I went to last week and the senior pastor there and...

...something triggered inside of me.  I've learned not to ignore the triggers anymore, because where God's concerned lately my gut has rarely been wrong.

It is the right place to go.  Something will happen.  I do have a place there.

Why should I be concerned with health issues - they are a minor inconvenience when I think that others have stuff that is life threatening or prevents them from doing their day to day tasks.  Mine aren't yet.

But.  I resolve to resist this in the name of Jesus, of the Lord my God who strengthens me.

First Love

I feel so much better after that weekend.

From Friday night through to Sunday evening I felt blessed, I'm seeing a way out, rather than feeling trapped.  Something has brought me down to earth a little though...

I was reading my blog posts from September 2011 and I made myself somewhat thoughtful.

Such enthusiasm.  Such naivety.  Such...innocence of the future and just so excited to learn.  Sigh, I sometimes wish I could get that back.  But I can, if I just take my own advice from those posts.  You know, it's all very well to say "I'm older and wiser" (not much older though!) but there is also the saying "Out of mouths of babes..."

Chorusstorming - This is now second nature.  I don't do anything but chorusstorm for Sundays and special days.  I no longer seek a theme from those who are speaking; I give it over to the Boss to worry about that.

Sacrificing Fridays - I do miss doing them habitually, but I still do one every couple of months or so.  But I realised from these posts I don't practice with the same intensity as I did before, and I'm not introducing newbs as frequently as I did (OK, we were a new group, I'm expecting "downward" exponential change - but the newbs have reduced to practically zero and I tend to only risk them for myself alone)

Merging and Drifting - The one thing I would absolutely love to be second nature, along with Harp and Bow and other techniques

Fighting over the choruses - Now, I'm not saying I want this every week - life's stressful enough.  But it is good to have a fight over them once in a while, a good wrestle.  I hope I've quit wrestling with God over these, and it is fun trying to make them all fit like a demented jigsaw puzzle

I carried on browsing for a bit, but ended up more thoughtful as I got into the "new guitar" posts...nearly a year since I bought that Freshman.  (There was some odd twanging noises coming from it yesterday, I think it needs a change of strings - something like the 3rd or 4th change since I got it!)

Although, yes, I'm more experienced, and yes, I can't live it over again and, thank God, make the same mistakes again, I could approach it with a more innocent nature...

...what are we going to play today, Boss?

Development

And finally, after over a year of this, I was sort of "forced" into the position of buying a portable amplifier.

God knows exactly how to handle me - generally speaking He corners me so I have to do something other than procrastinate.  Well, I am in that situation, although I knew one day I'd buy one, I didn't think I would need one quite as urgently.  Ordered at 4pm yesterday, received a little over 24 hours later. (For those of you over 30 - doesn't that still blow your mind how quickly dreams can arrive on your doorstep?  I guess I could have got it still quicker than that.)

It has mic as well as instrument input so will come in very handy.  Good price too.

With everything else going on - I know I am still being prepared for something.  Currently, I'm on a sort of starting block.  I'm waiting for the gun to fire.  Trouble is, it's in God's own time, not mine.  Guess He's teaching me patience, along with everything else.

Prayer or Perspective?

Or another P word - philosophical.

When my mind and heart quit raging about something, and I realise that it really isn't worth the aggro, I often feel it's my secular self saying to my spiritual self, "Stop being such a drama queen."

She's wrong actually.  But she does have a point.  I can't do anything about this until Wednesday, and God's timing, impeccable as always, has made sure that I calmed down and had a few prayers said over me first before I even begin to think about doing anything about it, and making sure that any form of temptation is out of the way.  I actually put it down to the prayer, not the self admonishment, that my attitude is 100% improved today than from yesterday, and about 200% from last Thursday.

Is it really worth getting uptight over?  Actually, a couple of people think it is.  It isn't far away from my thoughts, but it has been "filed" in "pending".  It may stare at me angrily for a couple of days...but.  I will not let it overtake my thoughts.  This sure is a personality learning curve.

I now know what I need to say.  The rest is up to God.  Do I trust Him?  Yes.  Let's go.

Relaxed, but overwhelmed with love

Wonderful taste of what could be in church this morning.  I'll say no more than that.

I was comfortable as a member of the congregation.  I didn't feel weird or out of position, I was just worshipping my God in spirit and truth.  It was a very relaxed service too, not always following the scheduled songs.  I sung one a cappella and everyone joined in...you can take the girl away from worship leading, but you can't take the worship leader out of the girl.  Felt terrific, but I thought how members of the cong can also be worship leaders, without taking away the authority from the one in the front.  I'm going to think on that one a bit.

A chat with my friend (who is also temporarily in charge for a few weeks) and we've agreed I will concentrate on the other event next weekend, and resume Sundays the week after.  That said - I had a request made of me for the following weekend...

I am a bit overwhelmed with the blessings, and the duties God is requiring of me.  Can I by my own strength?  No, but I can by His.

I also confided in my friend my spiritual issues, particularly this burden I appear to have for my predecessor.  You need to keep praying for them, they said.  That I can do, I just feel so helpless, though.  Why are they weighing so heavy?  Well, just maybe that's because God needs me to provide strength for one that is weak, and yet when I think of words to describe them, weak isn't one of them.

Maybe this situation is an exception.  Something else to think on.

Great is Thy Faithfulness

Yesterday, I had a Bad Day.

Basically, it started with a phone call that got me angry and I lost my temper with the caller.  I was very remorseful later, such is the nature of the phone call I cannot call them back to apologise, I'll have to wait for them to call me.  But I said I was sorry to God, and I prayed a bit more honesty to Him last night, and today...

...today I was feeling better about things.  There is still something there though...what is it that is dragging me down?

I listed all my niggles to God, thinking all these were part of the whole.  I've taken to writing down what I feel He is telling me, in the hope that it is a puzzle I have to solve, a treasure hunt.  I think it is actually, as I get closer to an answer I try not to feel frustrated.  (I have a term I call 'bark through the wire' when I seem to get close to something but don't quite get it.  It comes from the character Fiver in the book Watership Down.)

Then, today, whilst watching the tennis (which wasn't doing my blood pressure any good at all, and Sunday will be worse...Fed or Murray, what a choice) I got a phone call...

...seems that there's an important meeting planned next week, not for my church, but for another Christian organisation in the area, and they are without a worship leader.  Their normal worship leader is going through some horrible troubles at the moment.  In fact, this worship leader was my predecessor...  I was astounded, honoured even that I was the first person thought of, are me and the other WL the only WL's in the area?  Or am I just doing myself down again?  But duty kicked in.  I don't know whether I'm ready to lead worship, by my own strength.  God has offered this incredible opportunity, I cannot turn it down.  My church has backup, it seems this particular setup doesn't.

I was still digesting this overwhelming blessing, and then during Bible study, I finally got the revelation I was waiting for.  It isn't all the little things bringing me down.  It's the one Big Thing with my predecessor.  Am I angry with God?  Or confused that such things can happen to such good people?  That we have to go through it sometimes, but must that person go through it again (yes, they've been through similar before) ?

And then I remember, he delivers us in, not always from...

And Bible study was all about trials and tribulations and how God wants to refine us.  Oh man, even in my darkest hour I still seem to be in tune with what's going on.

I must

Praise Him in everything that's going on, for only then can healing begin
Pray into everything that is troubling me
Pray for His heart and His compassion

I still don't know when I'm going back to Sunday worship, but thankfully the person that is effectively "in charge" over the next few weeks I consider a close friend, and understands me deeply.  This helps with the "phasing back in" process (gosh that sounds clinical, I know what I mean)

..and tonight, whilst eating my dinner, God, just to remind me who's in charge, had "When the Music Fades" play on the radio.  The anthem of ten thousand times ten thousand and thousand and thousand Worship Leaders.  Yes, I wept.  And I remembered.  Thank You God.

Humbling

Yesterday, I nearly blogged either a rant or pity party (depending upon whether the painkillers had kicked in).

An Old Enemy visited me Thursday night, and I didn't go to work Friday.  Given what's going on in my brain lately, and what is going to happen tonight, I knew this just wasn't co-incidence.  No, I'm not being punished.  Enemy Action maybe.  But God will turn this around.

Nobody expected me to turn up for Bible study, but to me, it was the most natural thing to do because of the state I was in, not in spite of.  What a change of attitude that's occurred in me.  One of the choruses played last night was Heavenly Armour.  Oh man.

I was then prayed for so fervently, for my condition, for tonight, for my playing, I was humbled and shamed.  How could I possibly have soured the relationship in my own head?  But in a way, there's no harm done to the other half of this partnership, it's like when you have aught against your brother, but your brother doesn't realise it.  Then, when you have a change of heart, you thank God that your brother didn't know of your attitude, as a lot of repair work would have to be undertaken.  And, if I had blogged yesterday, before Bible study, I would have had to repent of that too.  (I may have deleted it, but probably not.  Nothing is truly deleted on the web, and it would have served as a reminder of how human I really am.)

I'm taking it easy today, no singing lesson, and maybe only a quick strum later, no serious practice.

There's a chorus that's been niggling in my head lately, called "Servant King".  I now know why.  And I now know the time is right to play it in church, if not for the cong, but a reminder to me.

Plans afoot

I've pretty much decided now.

I will be taking some time away from home, it will be fairly soon, and I will be breaking away (briefly) from WL.

A few weeks ago, I believe God was asking me to break for 2 weeks at least - not only no practice or Sundays, not picking up the guitar at all.  I will be going away for 4 days at least (so that will make it easy, won't lug a guitar around the distance I'm going) - what about the other 10 days?  Not easy.  Considering I had to be cajoled into picking it up again, back in Feb/March 2011 (how far I've come since then), this will be hard, hard, hard, coupled with a fear that if I dropped it once so easily, will 2 weeks turn into 10 years, as last time....?

Yep, I'm being a drama queen, life is different now, my attitude is different and I have encouragement from a dozen sources, unlike 10 years ago.  I am perhaps being a petulant kid - the sweetie jar is being put out of my reach until I focus on what is really important and just Who I'm doing this for anyway.

Focus

Today should be a day of reflection, but I haven't really done any of that today.  I have actually reflected on the last year for some weeks, I am not the person I was 12 months ago.

No, instead, I've been doing lots of normal stuff, and daft stuff, trying to take my mind off a thorn in the flesh.  One that I've had for 7-8 weeks now, and yes, I've asked Him to take it away.  Several times.  And I will keep asking.  It's something that should go away on its own - eventually - but I wonder how much longer I have to endure this.  I wonder if I'll be ready for anything that's chucked at me when it is all over.  And I like to hope there will be a mighty testimony at the end of it.

Also, as is probably pretty normal, I'm looking to the future.  I believe God has asked something of me - and I'm unsure if I can do it.  In fact, it was pretty distressing.  When it is something that can affect a few people, you should really get confirmation, so I said, OK, if someone confirms it to me, I will do it....or if I feel brave enough I'll do it anyway.  Something tells me that God will force my hand if I don't.  If it is Him that's asking.

The old me would probably be climbing the walls at this point.  I'm just trying to trust.

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart
Be all else but naught to me, save that Thou art
Be Thou my best thought by the day or the night
Both waking and sleeping, Thy presence my light

Happy New Year, wherever you are.

Troubled

Rather than the tempest of recent months, my little tea cup has a minor storm, maybe 3 or 4 rising slowly.

There are lots of things bothering me, niggles of mostly my own making, irritations in little details of my life.

I know what you're thinking; these niggles, irritations, gnats underneath the mosquito net that is life, is what being human is all about.

I don't want to be bothered, niggled or irritated.  It ruins communication.  Particularly Communication.  Perhaps the only way I can Communicate at the moment is through my guitar.

It doesn't help that I'm still in Ezekiel - it's a bit like running barefoot through a field that has been liberally strewn with barbed wire.  I usually get some peace with Make Love, Make War, still reading it, even though you can easily get through a chapter in 20 mins-half an hour.  My gosh, its making me think.  And then whilst reading it, I got niggled by something stated, because I knew it had to apply somewhere in my life, but I couldn't quite put my finger on what.  So I decided to close my eyes and meditate on this.  But my brain tends to like different channels of thought.  Suddenly, a new Bible study, in fact several, were popping into my head, which I just have to shelve or "file" in the rather wobbly filing cabinet of my brain.  (It's fine.  If I get round to them in my lifetime, great.  If not, I have an eternity to understand God)

But even sitting here typing this, I know how to calm the storm.  He's had me in the palm of His hand since my birth, before that even.  All He wants to do is direct my paths, if I just let Him. Be still and know that I am God.  Everything that I have allowed Him into since February of last year (and believe me, it's just about everything) has been turned into abundant blessing, or to the good of my growth, knowing that I have become just that little bit more mature.

Be still.

The Heart of Worship

I'm in the mood for a muse.

One thing that's dramatically changed in me in the last 6 months is the fact I am more willing to gather ideas and inspiration from others.  It used to make me feel uncomfortable, or even lacking in some way to admit that I needed to draw on others' experiences to make me better, or help me grow.  Now, I look upon them not as competitors, but equals, some of them as brothers and sisters.

Anyway, the reason for me going into all that - I have lately been spying headlines on various sites and blogs, relating to worship leading, and naturally I've started reading, hungry for inspiration.  What I have read though has been surprising.   Just a summary:

• Don't play the same thing week after week
• You are not the focus of the church
• Listen to the Spirit - constantly
• This is not a gig/performance/stage show
• Don't play things because "everybody knows it" or "regular crowd pleaser" - what does God want?
• Do something different.  Actually, this is Listen to the Spirit again.
• Listen to new music
• Respect the other band members tastes, abilities, strengths, weaknesses and opinions (putting others first, anyone?)

Either I am very blessed or very arrogant, or maybe it's just because I'm a volunteer in all this, unpaid, doing it all for God and the church (in that order) - I could add more to the above list and maybe I will as I think of them, but it makes we wonder - just what is going on in the heart of worship for WL's to start writing such things as standard?  This stuff they should know, all should know early on, and, believe me, God chastises you very quickly if you forget them.   A WL gets a slap (usually gentle) from God, for being out of line, they sulk a bit, think and pray a bit, realise that they were in the wrong (of course)...and then go write about it, either in a song or in a blog.  It's important to be reminded of above, and more - God knows I need reminding often, sometimes weekly.  But there are postings I am seeing that the arguments are being presented as something new, for the mature WL, when in fact - it's for the baby WL, the bread and milk. 

Guys, we are the natural descendents of the Levites.  Need a WL out there to start blogging meat.

One small step towards maturity

I didn't forget to blog yesterday.  In fact, mid afternoon I had the posting app up ready, but I realised that I needed to ponder and digest a little more, all that had happened that day.

Worship Sunday:

I believe in Jesus
Take us to the River
I Lift my Hands
Jesus, my Strength

And later on, after the message, Be Still.

It was short as another group needed the centre.  The guest speaker, an on-fire preacher who is driving in the fast lane of the Holy Spirit Superhighway and doesn't show any signs of slowing, spoke on the inheritance and gifts from God that He is willing to give us if we're only pro-active enough.   He's a lovely guy, I spoke a few words with him before the service, and he told me he doesn't look in his diary more than a week ahead - if he did, he would probably faint from exhaustion just by looking at it.

He had a word for me too, after I shared my testimony.  "God will turn your affliction".  I am still having difficulty fully grasping what this means.  I am sure, I believe, that this will come out in the coming weeks.  It was a powerful message of reminder - we are Children of God, too often we forget it.  It wasn't a prosperity preach, just a message that God only wants the best for us, and can give us the desires of our heart.  I looked at my guitar and thought, yes, that was a desire that God gave me.  Then, my predecessor was mentioned.  The speaker said to me, if my predecessor had not stepped away, I wouldn't have been raised up.  I saw the opportunity, I wasn't sure if I wanted it, but I took it as I believed God wanted me to.

We overran a little.  But - the group after put no pressure on us, it was almost as if they could see that spiritual bubble around us as God finished what He needed to do that day.

Later on, I finished off the music for next week, and opened up the blogger app....then closed it.  I needed to think some more.  In the kitchen, I was making tea, maybe a bite to eat, and God seemed to speak to me.  "Are you trying to live up to <name of predecessor>?"  My gut reaction was NO.  Absolutely not.  Well, maybe a bit.  She was pretty good...maybe more than a little...

OK.  Face it. You are trying to be the new HER.  Be you.  Yes, she does have an annointing, but I've given you a unique one.  Use it, and stop trying to be her.

Those that know me realise I have a childlike spirit, even at times when we're supposed to be solemn.  God isn't asking me to shed this, but He is asking me to temper, to think before I act and to be myself, because that's how He called me, not as an incarnation of someone else.

It is sobering. But it is extra assurance of how much He loves me.