Drifting

Yes, I've backed off the last couple of weeks.

Actually, I've backed off a little too much I think, and started doing stuff which is....well not sinful exactly, just somewhat unworthy of me - or should that be worthy of my own self, but not for my Creator?

Whatever - I'm losing it, and I know why this is, I'm not getting regular fellowship with other Christians.

But even that is a wretched excuse.  I don't work for a Christian organisation, but it is one that is fair, balanced and respectful (yes, that is a rarity) so it isn't as if work has corrupted me, although I have been very very busy.

I will be seeing a friend on Monday, and it could be the last time I see them in a good few months.  This makes me somewhat melancholic...There's email, there's phone calls, but there's nothing like face to face...

...face to face..I can only imagine...

I need to prepare for a worship session next week, and I'm halfway there, but....something is happening in my heart, worship leading is going to become secondary in my relationship with God.  Yes, I know that it won't be, never could be, either/or, but there are indications that He doesn't see it as the most important activity He wants me for.  And I sense certain tasks are coming to a conclusion, by which time I will, and must, let go.

Death and Resurrection

It is faintly ironic, or maybe it is somewhat apt, that my last official session as WL for the church was a post funeral service.

Two hymns, The Lord's my Shepherd and Abide With Me.  I listened to the prayers and speeches made in remembrance of the deceased, a person I didn't know very well actually, but I felt God saying to me throughout: "Don't fear.  You've made the right decision, trust Me."

The final conversation hasn't taken place.  I expect it to take place some time next week - hopefully Monday or Tuesday.  I am not going to be persuaded otherwise to the course I am taking - there is a motivation, a catalyst, a devastating piece of information that when imparted to me I could hear the "boom" of the nail being hammered in...

Then that will be it.  I will be in the wilderness.  I entered one earlier this year, and I now understand why - to prepare me for this: lonelier, forcing me to be even more dependant on God.  You want closeness, He said, I can draw you closer.  You just have to be willing and pliant to drop every last vestige of ego and sacrifice your whole being. 

But I will learn so much.  2012 has been painful.  I'd say I'd do it again, but in fact, I don't want that.  I want to move on, not ponder on the past.  I don't regret anything that has happened, and I do not want the year to end in bitterness.  Just hope.  Hope for 2013, which will be a very interesting year.

It will be a blessed year, if I continue to do what He wills me to do.

Friends

Must.  Be.  Patient.  Timing is everything, and I am so guilty of jumping in when the timing is all wrong.

Nearly there with one of the meetings though.  Intriguing that not only do I want to see them, they want to see me.

I don't know if this is some insight they've had into the situation, or maybe there is something very very important they have to say to me as well.

So.  Even more reason to be patient.  Double prayers over the weekend.

A day in the life

Yesterday is a day for storing up in my heart.  It was very very special.  I always knew it was going to be - I just didn't totally appreciate my part in it.

It was an event I know that I will be asked to do again, gosh I loved the experience but mate am I tired today.  I was asked to lead worship before each of the three sessions, and do one or two choruses after each of the sessions, so 6 in total. 

I didn't do all I wanted to do, and one or two of the "rank outsiders" got an outing.  I was sorry that there didn't seem to be a place for Fellingham's "There is a day", but I did do "Bless the Lord O My Soul (10,000 reasons)" (I should point out, on the cards even before it turned up on Kingsway this week) - this for the first time for me (and without the thump-thump-thump, promise you it does work without), and also a beautiful worship chorus called "Ruach" - not so well known, but was appreciated.

The cong were so encouraging, loving everything even when it seemed that some choruses weren't as well known as I thought.

I need to get hold of the CD recordings of the speaker because it really wasn't sinking in properly - there were one or two things I picked up on, and I was prayed for after I finished my duties, but it would be good to listen to it all again and let the gospel sink in...and reminisce on the annointing...

Something special has happened, with me, over the last couple months, ever since stuff started going a bit pear shaped in early July.  Yesterday, I finally understood how much I had matured, and how important my calling is.

I cried out for some clarity as to my direction yesterday, I didn't seem to get an answer.  Maybe I'm just not ready for it.  Maybe I need a Word spoken over me that is the starting gun...

I'm going to bask a little, pray a little, get ready for tonight and tomorrow for an event that, for once, I'm not involved in ministry in any way, I can just enjoy the fellowship and food - physical and spiritual top up.

Careful

Careful...to be full of care, i.e. anxious, worried - looking at the original Greek the word in Php 4:6 is used to state any kind of worry elsewhere in the New Testament, but...

Careful also means cautiousness, or even over-cautiousness, the original word not being too far removed from its common usage today...

soooo....the sentence can also be translated including the words "Be bold"

Be strong.  For the Lord thy God is with thee.

Clarity

Today, a few things occurred which are probably confirming I'm on the right track and I'm about to do the Right Thing.

One of the things that happened was that some scripture that has been ping-ponging back and forth between me and others came back from another source today - and this time I really read it.  Php 4, be careful for nothing etc.

Prayer
Supplication
Thanksgiving
Make known your thoughts
Guard your ways and thoughts...

It has struck me lately that we really don't pray right.  We're just selfish in our prayers, and we use this piece of scripture to "prove" we can get anything we want.  Not so.

Supplication and Thanksgiving.  Do we know what that means?  Do we even do this in prayer?  I'm going to have to think on this.

What is troubling me the most is, once I see the open door I will have to have two very painful conversations.  I am considering softening the blow with a few well worded offers.  But this won't make it any easier for them - or me.  When the time comes I will have to remember this scripture, and probably live it.

First Love

I feel so much better after that weekend.

From Friday night through to Sunday evening I felt blessed, I'm seeing a way out, rather than feeling trapped.  Something has brought me down to earth a little though...

I was reading my blog posts from September 2011 and I made myself somewhat thoughtful.

Such enthusiasm.  Such naivety.  Such...innocence of the future and just so excited to learn.  Sigh, I sometimes wish I could get that back.  But I can, if I just take my own advice from those posts.  You know, it's all very well to say "I'm older and wiser" (not much older though!) but there is also the saying "Out of mouths of babes..."

Chorusstorming - This is now second nature.  I don't do anything but chorusstorm for Sundays and special days.  I no longer seek a theme from those who are speaking; I give it over to the Boss to worry about that.

Sacrificing Fridays - I do miss doing them habitually, but I still do one every couple of months or so.  But I realised from these posts I don't practice with the same intensity as I did before, and I'm not introducing newbs as frequently as I did (OK, we were a new group, I'm expecting "downward" exponential change - but the newbs have reduced to practically zero and I tend to only risk them for myself alone)

Merging and Drifting - The one thing I would absolutely love to be second nature, along with Harp and Bow and other techniques

Fighting over the choruses - Now, I'm not saying I want this every week - life's stressful enough.  But it is good to have a fight over them once in a while, a good wrestle.  I hope I've quit wrestling with God over these, and it is fun trying to make them all fit like a demented jigsaw puzzle

I carried on browsing for a bit, but ended up more thoughtful as I got into the "new guitar" posts...nearly a year since I bought that Freshman.  (There was some odd twanging noises coming from it yesterday, I think it needs a change of strings - something like the 3rd or 4th change since I got it!)

Although, yes, I'm more experienced, and yes, I can't live it over again and, thank God, make the same mistakes again, I could approach it with a more innocent nature...

...what are we going to play today, Boss?