I read somewhere that the average person meets 10,000 people in their lifetime - presumably these are individuals with whom we interact in some way - more than a glance and/or a smile, but exchange a handshake or even a few words at least.
How many of those 10,000 influence the way we are, that have shaped our way of thinking, or even quote or talk about, years later?
Out of curiosity today, I went looking for one of those influences - and found that the Lord had taken him earlier this year.
He was an old man, in his nineties at least, and I am somewhat sorry that the last convo I had with him was shortly before his wife died over 10 years ago. But I still talk about him, because he changed the way I thought about deliverance and miracles. No longer can I say "he's still going, as far as I know" because He has decided that he deserves some meandGod time now, until the final day.
I may cry later, as I consider the 18 months where he held the most influence. But, if it weren't for him, I probably would be a completely different person.
Another one of the 10,000 reasons to thank Him for putting the right person in your life at the right time.
Showing posts with label reflection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reflection. Show all posts
Wednesday, 8 May 2013
Thursday, 1 November 2012
I was doing so well...
The health issue I mentioned seems to be easing off somewhat, which is great as I need to be moderately fit for the next couple of weeks - one outreach session as WL but it's mostly work, another love in my life which is likely to take more of a centre stage as I rest the fingers and strings for a while.
Or maybe that's not what God wants. Hoopomonay is a difficult thing to master.
I was feeling healthy enough in body and mind to go shopping today, the cupboard really was nearly bare, and carrying 4 rather heavy shopping bags on my own got me feeling rather unwell again.
Nothing that a cup of tea can't fix, methinks. Yes, a cup of tea and go through my emails.
.....blessings and words from the members of my previous church, and now I'm having trouble keeping the sobs at bay. I didn't properly process them the first time round, now my head has stopped spinning with the speed of it all, reality has kicked in, or at least my humanity has. Yes, I can be human sometimes, rather than a robot that just copes.
It's OK to cry though, I'm sure He understands.
Or maybe that's not what God wants. Hoopomonay is a difficult thing to master.
I was feeling healthy enough in body and mind to go shopping today, the cupboard really was nearly bare, and carrying 4 rather heavy shopping bags on my own got me feeling rather unwell again.
Nothing that a cup of tea can't fix, methinks. Yes, a cup of tea and go through my emails.
.....blessings and words from the members of my previous church, and now I'm having trouble keeping the sobs at bay. I didn't properly process them the first time round, now my head has stopped spinning with the speed of it all, reality has kicked in, or at least my humanity has. Yes, I can be human sometimes, rather than a robot that just copes.
It's OK to cry though, I'm sure He understands.
Wednesday, 17 October 2012
Lost weekend
The weekend was...
...difficult...
I managed to write down a few things, and it helped. To see some of my woes summarised in childish scrawl is scary in a way, I now need to get some of these points across to others...nicely.
But I suffered dreadful homesickness whilst I was away. Last time, I relaxed for a few hours, I even had constructive prayer and Bible study time. This time round, the area I grew up in held no appeal, and I aborted a day trip after an incident, like a wounded animal I had to get back to my burrow - only my real burrow was a couple of hundred miles away, and I had to make do with a hotel room. And cry out to Him who is able.
I will stick to my promise of going twice a year, but I can't say that's going to be easy. I will plan better next time, do things slightly differently, I will also prepare better and give myself a get-out plan...just in case.
The church service I attended on Sunday was good - but sad at the same time. A congregation of 200 or so, singing very modern hymns (apart from one, nothing we sung was more than 10 years old I think) - but no enthusiasm...no charisma. It's tempting to say it was disappointing, but it wasn't it was educational in some ways. God said to me at the start "Just observe." I did. When I left, I was hopeful that the young church will eventually get some vim, worshipping their Lord in spirit and in truth. The thoughts still come back, parallels popping up in my mind with my own situation...
Although I am not leading worship for the next couple of Sundays at least, I came back to 2 worship leading requests - for one of them the hymns are already chosen, I just have to play them. I might just sing them actually, and not bother dragging along the guitar. The occasion might just better suit voice and organ as it happens.
The other is one of the "locum" tasks, although I have been told (by God) I can't call it that any more. So I'm going to have to find another label. OK, one of the local outreach services for which I happen to be leading worship. But I somehow feel disrespectful to the person who I am filling in for. Still, no chance of forgetting about them - I pray for them every night. In an odd way, they seem to me like a wounded comrade and they are in a field hospital. They barely know me, are not even aware of my prayers, yet if I can be of some comfort, I hope that prayers are enough.
And I'm meeting up with my friends tomorrow, and it could well be a pivotal moment, a period in time which you can point back to and say: I made a change there, and that's where it all began. It will just be good to talk to two sensible Christians, who like and respect me and me them, do not have their heads buried in the sand and have sensible advice to impart rather than saying what they think God would have them say.
But I fervently hope that it is the beginning of a new chapter.
...difficult...
I managed to write down a few things, and it helped. To see some of my woes summarised in childish scrawl is scary in a way, I now need to get some of these points across to others...nicely.
But I suffered dreadful homesickness whilst I was away. Last time, I relaxed for a few hours, I even had constructive prayer and Bible study time. This time round, the area I grew up in held no appeal, and I aborted a day trip after an incident, like a wounded animal I had to get back to my burrow - only my real burrow was a couple of hundred miles away, and I had to make do with a hotel room. And cry out to Him who is able.
I will stick to my promise of going twice a year, but I can't say that's going to be easy. I will plan better next time, do things slightly differently, I will also prepare better and give myself a get-out plan...just in case.
The church service I attended on Sunday was good - but sad at the same time. A congregation of 200 or so, singing very modern hymns (apart from one, nothing we sung was more than 10 years old I think) - but no enthusiasm...no charisma. It's tempting to say it was disappointing, but it wasn't it was educational in some ways. God said to me at the start "Just observe." I did. When I left, I was hopeful that the young church will eventually get some vim, worshipping their Lord in spirit and in truth. The thoughts still come back, parallels popping up in my mind with my own situation...
Although I am not leading worship for the next couple of Sundays at least, I came back to 2 worship leading requests - for one of them the hymns are already chosen, I just have to play them. I might just sing them actually, and not bother dragging along the guitar. The occasion might just better suit voice and organ as it happens.
The other is one of the "locum" tasks, although I have been told (by God) I can't call it that any more. So I'm going to have to find another label. OK, one of the local outreach services for which I happen to be leading worship. But I somehow feel disrespectful to the person who I am filling in for. Still, no chance of forgetting about them - I pray for them every night. In an odd way, they seem to me like a wounded comrade and they are in a field hospital. They barely know me, are not even aware of my prayers, yet if I can be of some comfort, I hope that prayers are enough.
And I'm meeting up with my friends tomorrow, and it could well be a pivotal moment, a period in time which you can point back to and say: I made a change there, and that's where it all began. It will just be good to talk to two sensible Christians, who like and respect me and me them, do not have their heads buried in the sand and have sensible advice to impart rather than saying what they think God would have them say.
But I fervently hope that it is the beginning of a new chapter.
Sunday, 30 September 2012
Beauty
Yesterday, someone prayed for me that, like a butterfly, I would carry God's beauty wherever I went.
Sounds a bit fluffy for me, I thought.
Worship this morning:
Jesus, We Celebrate Your Victory
Crown Him with many Crowns
I Will Offer up my Life (Thankful Heart)
Jesus Shall Take the Highest Honour - the "chorus" only, drifting to...
Isn't He Beautiful - drifting back to the chorus of the former, and I added the cherry of..
I Sing Praises to Your Name
During prayer, it came out that I had blessed someone that morning - the guy who had come to open up! My "warm-up" this morning was Rugged Cross (I tend to pick something at random, usually not something that's part of the main worship) - I was told that he had been touched by it and a seed had been planted and during the message I remembered..
..oh yes...the butterfly....
Some clarity has come at long last. I need to finish the transition, and that's a butterfly analogy in itself. I may have been seeing into another season - and I need to be ready for it first.
Somebody mentioned how tired I looked this morning, but encouraged me in the worship saying it was better than if I had been fresh - God's like that. He gives you the energy even when you're ready to go back to bed.
Sounds a bit fluffy for me, I thought.
Worship this morning:
Jesus, We Celebrate Your Victory
Crown Him with many Crowns
I Will Offer up my Life (Thankful Heart)
Jesus Shall Take the Highest Honour - the "chorus" only, drifting to...
Isn't He Beautiful - drifting back to the chorus of the former, and I added the cherry of..
I Sing Praises to Your Name
During prayer, it came out that I had blessed someone that morning - the guy who had come to open up! My "warm-up" this morning was Rugged Cross (I tend to pick something at random, usually not something that's part of the main worship) - I was told that he had been touched by it and a seed had been planted and during the message I remembered..
..oh yes...the butterfly....
Some clarity has come at long last. I need to finish the transition, and that's a butterfly analogy in itself. I may have been seeing into another season - and I need to be ready for it first.
Somebody mentioned how tired I looked this morning, but encouraged me in the worship saying it was better than if I had been fresh - God's like that. He gives you the energy even when you're ready to go back to bed.
Friday, 28 September 2012
A day in the life
Yesterday is a day for storing up in my heart. It was very very special. I always knew it was going to be - I just didn't totally appreciate my part in it.
It was an event I know that I will be asked to do again, gosh I loved the experience but mate am I tired today. I was asked to lead worship before each of the three sessions, and do one or two choruses after each of the sessions, so 6 in total.
I didn't do all I wanted to do, and one or two of the "rank outsiders" got an outing. I was sorry that there didn't seem to be a place for Fellingham's "There is a day", but I did do "Bless the Lord O My Soul (10,000 reasons)" (I should point out, on the cards even before it turned up on Kingsway this week) - this for the first time for me (and without the thump-thump-thump, promise you it does work without), and also a beautiful worship chorus called "Ruach" - not so well known, but was appreciated.
The cong were so encouraging, loving everything even when it seemed that some choruses weren't as well known as I thought.
I need to get hold of the CD recordings of the speaker because it really wasn't sinking in properly - there were one or two things I picked up on, and I was prayed for after I finished my duties, but it would be good to listen to it all again and let the gospel sink in...and reminisce on the annointing...
Something special has happened, with me, over the last couple months, ever since stuff started going a bit pear shaped in early July. Yesterday, I finally understood how much I had matured, and how important my calling is.
I cried out for some clarity as to my direction yesterday, I didn't seem to get an answer. Maybe I'm just not ready for it. Maybe I need a Word spoken over me that is the starting gun...
I'm going to bask a little, pray a little, get ready for tonight and tomorrow for an event that, for once, I'm not involved in ministry in any way, I can just enjoy the fellowship and food - physical and spiritual top up.
It was an event I know that I will be asked to do again, gosh I loved the experience but mate am I tired today. I was asked to lead worship before each of the three sessions, and do one or two choruses after each of the sessions, so 6 in total.
I didn't do all I wanted to do, and one or two of the "rank outsiders" got an outing. I was sorry that there didn't seem to be a place for Fellingham's "There is a day", but I did do "Bless the Lord O My Soul (10,000 reasons)" (I should point out, on the cards even before it turned up on Kingsway this week) - this for the first time for me (and without the thump-thump-thump, promise you it does work without), and also a beautiful worship chorus called "Ruach" - not so well known, but was appreciated.
The cong were so encouraging, loving everything even when it seemed that some choruses weren't as well known as I thought.
I need to get hold of the CD recordings of the speaker because it really wasn't sinking in properly - there were one or two things I picked up on, and I was prayed for after I finished my duties, but it would be good to listen to it all again and let the gospel sink in...and reminisce on the annointing...
Something special has happened, with me, over the last couple months, ever since stuff started going a bit pear shaped in early July. Yesterday, I finally understood how much I had matured, and how important my calling is.
I cried out for some clarity as to my direction yesterday, I didn't seem to get an answer. Maybe I'm just not ready for it. Maybe I need a Word spoken over me that is the starting gun...
I'm going to bask a little, pray a little, get ready for tonight and tomorrow for an event that, for once, I'm not involved in ministry in any way, I can just enjoy the fellowship and food - physical and spiritual top up.
Sunday, 16 September 2012
Hope, Promises, Love
Worship this morning:
Tell Out my Soul
From the Breaking of the Dawn
Above All Powers
At the Cross
I Worship You, Almighty God
I will maintain and even improve upon all mortal relationships, for if a relationship moves into a different chapter, I want it to continue, even if it's from afar. What good is it to sour, you may need it later - and you could end up trying to use something very skanky indeed!
When I think that the next time the group could be properly together again, the clocks would have gone back and autumn will be moving into winter, it sorta saddens me, and my heart pangs as I really don't know what's going to happen "beyond", once plans laid are put into action. Yes, I have three more Sundays, a special day and possibly another Saturday as a "locum" (though several of us are praying that the permanent WL comes back, soon, for their spiritual health) - yet it feels like a gradual descent into a feather bed of rest, and yet in this bed I will have to also seek.
I feel so so tired, I'm not even halfway yet. I am happy - sort of - but I am a little fearful that my strength could give out, that I have taken on much too much against God's will.
I think I'll take it gradually at work tomorrow, I'm actually looking forward to it as I'll be seeing parts of a process as yet unseen.
I pray for my own spiritual clouded glass to clear soon. It is. Slowly. Maybe I'm afraid of what it might show.
Tell Out my Soul
From the Breaking of the Dawn
Above All Powers
At the Cross
I Worship You, Almighty God
I will maintain and even improve upon all mortal relationships, for if a relationship moves into a different chapter, I want it to continue, even if it's from afar. What good is it to sour, you may need it later - and you could end up trying to use something very skanky indeed!
When I think that the next time the group could be properly together again, the clocks would have gone back and autumn will be moving into winter, it sorta saddens me, and my heart pangs as I really don't know what's going to happen "beyond", once plans laid are put into action. Yes, I have three more Sundays, a special day and possibly another Saturday as a "locum" (though several of us are praying that the permanent WL comes back, soon, for their spiritual health) - yet it feels like a gradual descent into a feather bed of rest, and yet in this bed I will have to also seek.
I feel so so tired, I'm not even halfway yet. I am happy - sort of - but I am a little fearful that my strength could give out, that I have taken on much too much against God's will.
I think I'll take it gradually at work tomorrow, I'm actually looking forward to it as I'll be seeing parts of a process as yet unseen.
I pray for my own spiritual clouded glass to clear soon. It is. Slowly. Maybe I'm afraid of what it might show.
Sunday, 26 August 2012
One better day
Worship this morning
Jesus, We Celebrate Your Victory
Fill Your Hearts with Joy
Wonderful Grace
Purify My Heart
You Have Been So Good
Ever the eagle-eyed (although I'm not good at hiding my feelings), Bossman homed in on me today and asked how I was, I said spiritually I was a bit rough. I didn't go into too many details, but I think he could guess.
I'm really not ready to discuss it all.
But...today was a better day. It wasn't particularly special. I didn't feel especially "zapped" or annointed...just...calm. It puts me in mind of my "hurricane" theory of last year; the eye of the storm is always the quietest.
With the encounter yesterday, a bible reading last night out of Psalm 77 and a general feeling that I have to prioritise and put Him at the top of the list, I feel a mixture of peace and anticipation, with a pinch of God fear, a sprinkling of mortal fear and a quite liberal amount of chastisement.
This has left me a bit confused - but I least I know I am confused, rather than just a teensy bit insane.
Or maybe I'm that too. After all, one of the roots of Hallelujah, Haw-lal, also means "foolishness".
Am I to carry on and be a fool for God? Time will tell.
Jesus, We Celebrate Your Victory
Fill Your Hearts with Joy
Wonderful Grace
Purify My Heart
You Have Been So Good
Ever the eagle-eyed (although I'm not good at hiding my feelings), Bossman homed in on me today and asked how I was, I said spiritually I was a bit rough. I didn't go into too many details, but I think he could guess.
I'm really not ready to discuss it all.
But...today was a better day. It wasn't particularly special. I didn't feel especially "zapped" or annointed...just...calm. It puts me in mind of my "hurricane" theory of last year; the eye of the storm is always the quietest.
With the encounter yesterday, a bible reading last night out of Psalm 77 and a general feeling that I have to prioritise and put Him at the top of the list, I feel a mixture of peace and anticipation, with a pinch of God fear, a sprinkling of mortal fear and a quite liberal amount of chastisement.
This has left me a bit confused - but I least I know I am confused, rather than just a teensy bit insane.
Or maybe I'm that too. After all, one of the roots of Hallelujah, Haw-lal, also means "foolishness".
Am I to carry on and be a fool for God? Time will tell.
Saturday, 18 August 2012
Sense and logic
I have joked that God had a bit of a fight with me, with the personality that I am things have got to make logical sense before I can trust it. I also have a problem with the word finite, that something is definitely the truth, because, well, basically, it just is.
I said to God I had a problem with finity. He said "That's fine, I'm infinite, you have a lifetime to understand." I rose to the challenge.
But sometimes stuff just doesn't make sense wherever you file it, even with people saying God just is. I challenged someone last night in a biblical context, they said something was written when it wasn't. It was minor, and I almost regretted saying it because although sometimes I revel in being contentious, it could be seen as petty at face value. Trouble is, the person argued back, and then I really couldn't let go of it.
My mind had already been thrown off kilter by a few pieces of news, one of which had me practically in tears before Bible study begun.
Why? Just....why?
Throughout the evening, God seemed to be asking "Are you angry with Me?" I tried to avoid answering, but once cornered, I had to be honest: "I hope I'm not. I can't begin to understand Your purposes."
Someone said to me the other day that if what I'm doing is a burden to me, and too heavy, I need to stop - and a picture has entered my mind of manual handling courses where you're taught not to lift anything that's too heavy - and at least know the right way to carry it.
I learned something last night though - with what I am about to do, I am on my own. I can't drag anyone else into it, unless they want to pray for me. Actually, I'm not on my own, I have my SOH, my guitar, and God. This was all I started with over a year ago, everything else I have to let go of, only then can I start walking straight again.
I said to God I had a problem with finity. He said "That's fine, I'm infinite, you have a lifetime to understand." I rose to the challenge.
But sometimes stuff just doesn't make sense wherever you file it, even with people saying God just is. I challenged someone last night in a biblical context, they said something was written when it wasn't. It was minor, and I almost regretted saying it because although sometimes I revel in being contentious, it could be seen as petty at face value. Trouble is, the person argued back, and then I really couldn't let go of it.
My mind had already been thrown off kilter by a few pieces of news, one of which had me practically in tears before Bible study begun.
Why? Just....why?
Throughout the evening, God seemed to be asking "Are you angry with Me?" I tried to avoid answering, but once cornered, I had to be honest: "I hope I'm not. I can't begin to understand Your purposes."
Someone said to me the other day that if what I'm doing is a burden to me, and too heavy, I need to stop - and a picture has entered my mind of manual handling courses where you're taught not to lift anything that's too heavy - and at least know the right way to carry it.
I learned something last night though - with what I am about to do, I am on my own. I can't drag anyone else into it, unless they want to pray for me. Actually, I'm not on my own, I have my SOH, my guitar, and God. This was all I started with over a year ago, everything else I have to let go of, only then can I start walking straight again.
Wednesday, 8 August 2012
Friends
I got an unexpected phone call, the first one on my new phone (which has got more stuff on it than I'll ever need, it even accepts certain apps - and it was a cheap phone!) - from my friend who's just got over an illness and operation (the one that, due to "political" reasons I won't go see at home). Wonderful to hear from them, and sounding so chirpy too, but in the midst of the conversation I suddenly latched on to why I've been feeling uneasy lately. I'm not the only one.
Strangely, later, I was sitting by the lake and trying out the radio on the phone, and I came across a station that was playing "I'll be there for you" - also known as the theme from Friends. How apt, after the 10 minute convo earlier, and after I'd spent half to three quarters of an hour chatting to the Boss, and then my closest friend was there sitting beside me - my OH of course, who'd come out to find me.
Strangely, later, I was sitting by the lake and trying out the radio on the phone, and I came across a station that was playing "I'll be there for you" - also known as the theme from Friends. How apt, after the 10 minute convo earlier, and after I'd spent half to three quarters of an hour chatting to the Boss, and then my closest friend was there sitting beside me - my OH of course, who'd come out to find me.
Monday, 6 August 2012
Follow through
I realised today that I hadn't followed through on this blog about this.
For my own benefit at least, I don't want to go through this blog later and say to myself - well, what did happen?
Well, obviously, I'm still on duty so nothing dramatic happened, in fact it was extremely civilised (and doubtless a lot better than if I had had it out the day after it occurred) In fact, I feel a bit shamed and humbled by one aspect; it was a total misunderstanding and I had unworthy thoughts of another individual and he a brother in Christ. (That said, yesterday during the sermon the speaker said that they had been more hurt by the attitudes and actions by those in the church than those outside. Their theory is you have higher expectations of those in the church. They are probably right)
For reasons I won't go into, I cannot go see my friend, although I have been told I would be welcome. Let's just say it's political and leave it at that.
I can only pray through the unease...
Although I want to keep this blog WL related - it was, in the beginning going to be purely factual and has ended up rather more personal - I am not immune to the disease of patriotism going round the country at the moment. I love lawn tennis, and was overjoyed to see Murray finally get a title that really is as close to a Slam as he has got so far.
Just come into my head - that hymn I vow to thee, my country, a favourite of mine, albeit I think it is a bit abstract to sing on a Sunday morning. I've always been moderately patriotic, but the "homesickness" I feel is not for England, or London, but a country far away, to which I will always be loyal and I will have to wait to be part of, and strive to be worthy of.
For my own benefit at least, I don't want to go through this blog later and say to myself - well, what did happen?
Well, obviously, I'm still on duty so nothing dramatic happened, in fact it was extremely civilised (and doubtless a lot better than if I had had it out the day after it occurred) In fact, I feel a bit shamed and humbled by one aspect; it was a total misunderstanding and I had unworthy thoughts of another individual and he a brother in Christ. (That said, yesterday during the sermon the speaker said that they had been more hurt by the attitudes and actions by those in the church than those outside. Their theory is you have higher expectations of those in the church. They are probably right)
For reasons I won't go into, I cannot go see my friend, although I have been told I would be welcome. Let's just say it's political and leave it at that.
I can only pray through the unease...
Although I want to keep this blog WL related - it was, in the beginning going to be purely factual and has ended up rather more personal - I am not immune to the disease of patriotism going round the country at the moment. I love lawn tennis, and was overjoyed to see Murray finally get a title that really is as close to a Slam as he has got so far.
Just come into my head - that hymn I vow to thee, my country, a favourite of mine, albeit I think it is a bit abstract to sing on a Sunday morning. I've always been moderately patriotic, but the "homesickness" I feel is not for England, or London, but a country far away, to which I will always be loyal and I will have to wait to be part of, and strive to be worthy of.
Monday, 16 July 2012
Milestones
I noticed today that yesterday's post was number 150, a milestone of sorts. Interesting that it was also a turning point.
Today I could barely concentrate at work. I'm itching to share my testimony from the weekend with another human that may help me make some sense of it, but of the two likeliest candidates, one's away, the other is sick and may as well be - I'll have to wait until I hear news from one of them that they are approachable but that could be weeks.
Ugh, I sound like a 5-year-old. But I am as excited as one. For I'm sensing a stirring...
Today I ran through some choruses for the weekend and was loving it - compiling worship that will be used, rather than playing purely for self edification - or am I doing a bit of both?
My spirit feels a bit impatient. This might be a good thing, but somehow methinks I have to curb it a little. It beats the melancholia of the last few weeks though.
Today I could barely concentrate at work. I'm itching to share my testimony from the weekend with another human that may help me make some sense of it, but of the two likeliest candidates, one's away, the other is sick and may as well be - I'll have to wait until I hear news from one of them that they are approachable but that could be weeks.
Ugh, I sound like a 5-year-old. But I am as excited as one. For I'm sensing a stirring...
Today I ran through some choruses for the weekend and was loving it - compiling worship that will be used, rather than playing purely for self edification - or am I doing a bit of both?
My spirit feels a bit impatient. This might be a good thing, but somehow methinks I have to curb it a little. It beats the melancholia of the last few weeks though.
Thursday, 28 June 2012
Little by little
About to go on a trip for work purposes. I am looking forward to it, but I guess I'm suffering from a little melancholia because tonight is normally practice night, and I'm not there.
I did pick up my guitar today, and at one point I was entering a new form of worship - well, new to me. I was thinking about what was said to me a few Sundays ago, a suggestion made which I put into action, but I drifted into it so naturally.
I got so excited about it, thinking about the situations that I could use it in, I forgot that my practice sessions should also be worship - and maybe I missed out on a blessing. Still, I played some old favourites, was touched by one or two and felt...happy.
When I enjoy my practice so much, and think of times when leading worship has been like running through treacle, it makes thoughts of going back difficult. But I realise that playing purely for myself is probably selfish. I really do want a clear answer, but it is going to take some dilligent searching.
I did pick up my guitar today, and at one point I was entering a new form of worship - well, new to me. I was thinking about what was said to me a few Sundays ago, a suggestion made which I put into action, but I drifted into it so naturally.
I got so excited about it, thinking about the situations that I could use it in, I forgot that my practice sessions should also be worship - and maybe I missed out on a blessing. Still, I played some old favourites, was touched by one or two and felt...happy.
When I enjoy my practice so much, and think of times when leading worship has been like running through treacle, it makes thoughts of going back difficult. But I realise that playing purely for myself is probably selfish. I really do want a clear answer, but it is going to take some dilligent searching.
Tuesday, 26 June 2012
Weary ways...
I wouldn't normally post twice in one day, or maybe I'll just hold over the Kingsway download until tomorrow. I saw what it was before I went to work this morning, it is one that I already have (and has been offered by Kingsway for free last year) - but I didn't mind (again) because it is a good one...and it almost made me cry with how God can make even the little things so poignant.
I heard some desperately sad news last night. Firstly, though, I had received an email from a friend, which in turn reminded me of a chorus I'd been meaning to transcribe to Musescore for some time. Whilst I was copying things over, the news came in and the words suddenly held more meaning. After a walk (it was a beautiful evening - I always find it is when very bad news comes in, it's like God knows you need some earthly comfort) I finished it off, put it onto the words file, I just need to scribble the chords on the words sheet and it will be introduced to the church soon, possibly the first week I'm back.
I don't want to go into what the news was, as I just think it is far too personal, even describing it "generally" - it would hold too many clues of who they are and I don't want to publicise anything. It has thrown my fragile emotions off kilter a little, and I am so glad work is busy and I can throw myself into that, but the quiet times...
Needless to say, the news made me think about relationships, the unfairness of the state of the world, God's perfect justice, faith, and, as yesterday, Romans 8:28-29.
Then the song of hope that Kingsway has posted brought the feelings back again. There are lessons here and I must think about them.
I heard some desperately sad news last night. Firstly, though, I had received an email from a friend, which in turn reminded me of a chorus I'd been meaning to transcribe to Musescore for some time. Whilst I was copying things over, the news came in and the words suddenly held more meaning. After a walk (it was a beautiful evening - I always find it is when very bad news comes in, it's like God knows you need some earthly comfort) I finished it off, put it onto the words file, I just need to scribble the chords on the words sheet and it will be introduced to the church soon, possibly the first week I'm back.
I don't want to go into what the news was, as I just think it is far too personal, even describing it "generally" - it would hold too many clues of who they are and I don't want to publicise anything. It has thrown my fragile emotions off kilter a little, and I am so glad work is busy and I can throw myself into that, but the quiet times...
Needless to say, the news made me think about relationships, the unfairness of the state of the world, God's perfect justice, faith, and, as yesterday, Romans 8:28-29.
Then the song of hope that Kingsway has posted brought the feelings back again. There are lessons here and I must think about them.
Wednesday, 23 May 2012
Pause...deep breath...and...
I'm posting a lot lately, it is perhaps that I have a lot to say, or...
I am going through a bit of a hiatus.
The last one I remember was around Christmas, and especially Christmas Day itself. I was enjoying the break; certain issues had been resolved, and although I was (still am) suffering from "Home sickness" I was learning how to cope with it. Towards the end of that day, I was having a chat with Him and I said that I was grateful for the break, thanking Him for bringing me through the attacks from the enemy, and......it's going to get worse, isn't it.
The answer was an emphatic Yes. You can't be in a ministry position and expect it to be clear, green meadows and sunshine. In fact, I've begun to learn the whole shebang is like walking through a minfield in the pouring rain and mud.
It is interesting how quiet it is. I imagine that they are reloading their ammo and it takes some time.
When I said this to someone the other day, he told me to enjoy the break, rest in His presence etc. He is never far from my thoughts, and yet, I feel He should enter my thoughts more often than He does. And then I realise I am by grace in Him and I should not feel guilty - in fact the guilt leads to repentance, and repentance to cleansing...and then no more guilt.
A friend once said in a sermon that they were not interested in enemy tactics, they were more interested in the Word. However, I am by nature apprehensive, nervous. Well, those that know me say I never look nervous, but I think it's because I am more nervous of the journey of A to B rather than what I am going to do if I get to B. If you get my drift. Whenever I go to job interviews, for instance, I worry more about getting there late than the actual interview itself. With worship, I concern myself as to the how rather than the where.
This may be a bit backward, as God is very much in the how.
Each time there is a period of quiet, whether it be long or short, I am finding I am less and less apprehensive of what will happen next. I've said before, never ever ever say to God "What now?" or "I'm bored" because you can be absolutely certain that He will say, "Ah, you want something to do? I've got plenty for you to do..." and you can fill in the blanks. I'm not saying it. I am just getting on with what He requires of me.
So I'm going to enjoy the break. But keeping one eye open.
I am going through a bit of a hiatus.
The last one I remember was around Christmas, and especially Christmas Day itself. I was enjoying the break; certain issues had been resolved, and although I was (still am) suffering from "Home sickness" I was learning how to cope with it. Towards the end of that day, I was having a chat with Him and I said that I was grateful for the break, thanking Him for bringing me through the attacks from the enemy, and......it's going to get worse, isn't it.
The answer was an emphatic Yes. You can't be in a ministry position and expect it to be clear, green meadows and sunshine. In fact, I've begun to learn the whole shebang is like walking through a minfield in the pouring rain and mud.
It is interesting how quiet it is. I imagine that they are reloading their ammo and it takes some time.
When I said this to someone the other day, he told me to enjoy the break, rest in His presence etc. He is never far from my thoughts, and yet, I feel He should enter my thoughts more often than He does. And then I realise I am by grace in Him and I should not feel guilty - in fact the guilt leads to repentance, and repentance to cleansing...and then no more guilt.
A friend once said in a sermon that they were not interested in enemy tactics, they were more interested in the Word. However, I am by nature apprehensive, nervous. Well, those that know me say I never look nervous, but I think it's because I am more nervous of the journey of A to B rather than what I am going to do if I get to B. If you get my drift. Whenever I go to job interviews, for instance, I worry more about getting there late than the actual interview itself. With worship, I concern myself as to the how rather than the where.
This may be a bit backward, as God is very much in the how.
Each time there is a period of quiet, whether it be long or short, I am finding I am less and less apprehensive of what will happen next. I've said before, never ever ever say to God "What now?" or "I'm bored" because you can be absolutely certain that He will say, "Ah, you want something to do? I've got plenty for you to do..." and you can fill in the blanks. I'm not saying it. I am just getting on with what He requires of me.
So I'm going to enjoy the break. But keeping one eye open.
Wednesday, 25 April 2012
...ping..!
Do I feel better after chatting with my friends?
Actually, fellowship does make you feel better, in any circumstance, in any walk. I still feel I'm at somewhat a turning point in my life, and if one small domino falls, it will cause a chain reaction I will be unable to stop, resulting in a major change in my life. Does this bother me? Yes, a bit. Do I believe God's in charge? Yes, I do, making my first question and answer seemingly unworthy, but I am only human, and don't we want to be in charge of our lives, really?
But I learned a lot from yesterday, even if, spiritually I still feel a bit battered, I'm just going to have to hang in there. Then one of them said something, which, when I pondered on later I thought....
...A-HA...NOW it makes sense
It was somewhat comforting to find out something about a key thing that was bothering me, a purely human element, which I now need to work out how to handle.
Do I stand up to it?
Do I pray my way through it?
Do I endure and suffer it?
..or do I leave? (Last resort)
I know my calling. I have never been so sure of it. The advice is to stand by this belief, and dig in. Can't say I won't come back here and winge occasionally....
Actually, fellowship does make you feel better, in any circumstance, in any walk. I still feel I'm at somewhat a turning point in my life, and if one small domino falls, it will cause a chain reaction I will be unable to stop, resulting in a major change in my life. Does this bother me? Yes, a bit. Do I believe God's in charge? Yes, I do, making my first question and answer seemingly unworthy, but I am only human, and don't we want to be in charge of our lives, really?
But I learned a lot from yesterday, even if, spiritually I still feel a bit battered, I'm just going to have to hang in there. Then one of them said something, which, when I pondered on later I thought....
...A-HA...NOW it makes sense
It was somewhat comforting to find out something about a key thing that was bothering me, a purely human element, which I now need to work out how to handle.
Do I stand up to it?
Do I pray my way through it?
Do I endure and suffer it?
..or do I leave? (Last resort)
I know my calling. I have never been so sure of it. The advice is to stand by this belief, and dig in. Can't say I won't come back here and winge occasionally....
Sunday, 1 April 2012
Kicking...
Last night was...
...um...
...well, the worship was really good. Not like running through treacle at all. Far from it. No, it was a fabulous experience and at times I felt like I was soaring, this, I know, is what worship should be like.
But I do have a sense of unease about the whole shebang last night, which in the words of the wise or maybe the cowardly, I won't go into here.
How ungrateful about all this do I sound? I experienced a real miracle this week. God told me I needed to do one last thing yesterday afternoon, and I learned a new chorus which I realised was my testimony for the week. I enjoy learning a new one, once I get into it, me, my mp3 player and the 12-string. I got up, and realised that I was completely healed.
Wow. This really is God In Action. And I really am so so grateful.
A certain someone did recognise that I was a little unsettled today, and he asked me. I said it would take me half an hour or more to explain, some other time I said, or I'll put it in an email.
I am just so confused, maybe I'm tired, maybe all this has left me exhausted again, but again I feel like I'm kicking against the pricks. Maybe I'm wrestling where I don't need to wrestle, I just need to Let.
Anyway. Worship this morning:
Strength Will Rise
O Lord my God (How Great Thou Art)
Light of the World
Purify my Heart
We Bow Down
I felt like I fluffed some of this, it just didn't feel right, or maybe I just wasn't right.
I need to pray into this.
...um...
...well, the worship was really good. Not like running through treacle at all. Far from it. No, it was a fabulous experience and at times I felt like I was soaring, this, I know, is what worship should be like.
But I do have a sense of unease about the whole shebang last night, which in the words of the wise or maybe the cowardly, I won't go into here.
How ungrateful about all this do I sound? I experienced a real miracle this week. God told me I needed to do one last thing yesterday afternoon, and I learned a new chorus which I realised was my testimony for the week. I enjoy learning a new one, once I get into it, me, my mp3 player and the 12-string. I got up, and realised that I was completely healed.
Wow. This really is God In Action. And I really am so so grateful.
A certain someone did recognise that I was a little unsettled today, and he asked me. I said it would take me half an hour or more to explain, some other time I said, or I'll put it in an email.
I am just so confused, maybe I'm tired, maybe all this has left me exhausted again, but again I feel like I'm kicking against the pricks. Maybe I'm wrestling where I don't need to wrestle, I just need to Let.
Anyway. Worship this morning:
Strength Will Rise
O Lord my God (How Great Thou Art)
Light of the World
Purify my Heart
We Bow Down
I felt like I fluffed some of this, it just didn't feel right, or maybe I just wasn't right.
I need to pray into this.
Tuesday, 13 March 2012
Rough and smooth
Here I am, back again with just my reflections for company.
I returned Friday, feeling somewhat...changed...
But Sunday I threw such an almighty hissy fit over something that later on in the day I was just so so ashamed. Mega repentance, mega knee time.
Then I received a message about some stuff that went on in my absence - and my first reactions? Resentment, jealousy, fear...
There is no place for such emotions and reactions in my life, as human as they are, at least they shouldn't be my first, gut reactions. It's made me think that I need to seek honesty from one, maybe two people before I decide what move I'm going to make next.
Last couple of days, after some more repentance and prayer, I've felt much better, but I'm still so uncertain. Yet God warned me this would happen. One of the last passages I read before coming home was in Mark's Gospel, when Jesus walks on water with the disciples fighting against a headwind...
...I came home to that headwind, one of my own making. This could be a serious turning point, or maybe I'm blowing it out of all proportion.
Need to find out which. And soon. Time will be up before I know it.
I returned Friday, feeling somewhat...changed...
But Sunday I threw such an almighty hissy fit over something that later on in the day I was just so so ashamed. Mega repentance, mega knee time.
Then I received a message about some stuff that went on in my absence - and my first reactions? Resentment, jealousy, fear...
There is no place for such emotions and reactions in my life, as human as they are, at least they shouldn't be my first, gut reactions. It's made me think that I need to seek honesty from one, maybe two people before I decide what move I'm going to make next.
Last couple of days, after some more repentance and prayer, I've felt much better, but I'm still so uncertain. Yet God warned me this would happen. One of the last passages I read before coming home was in Mark's Gospel, when Jesus walks on water with the disciples fighting against a headwind...
...I came home to that headwind, one of my own making. This could be a serious turning point, or maybe I'm blowing it out of all proportion.
Need to find out which. And soon. Time will be up before I know it.
Friday, 2 March 2012
One Word Reflections
Revelation. Truth. Countenance. Presence. Worship. Knees. Alone. Elijah. Elisha. Moses. Samuel. Jehoshaphat. Friday. Fellowship. Prayer. Journey. Apprehension. Anticipation.
May seem meaningless to you. Mean a whole lot to me.
May seem meaningless to you. Mean a whole lot to me.
Saturday, 31 December 2011
Focus
Today should be a day of reflection, but I haven't really done any of that today. I have actually reflected on the last year for some weeks, I am not the person I was 12 months ago.
No, instead, I've been doing lots of normal stuff, and daft stuff, trying to take my mind off a thorn in the flesh. One that I've had for 7-8 weeks now, and yes, I've asked Him to take it away. Several times. And I will keep asking. It's something that should go away on its own - eventually - but I wonder how much longer I have to endure this. I wonder if I'll be ready for anything that's chucked at me when it is all over. And I like to hope there will be a mighty testimony at the end of it.
Also, as is probably pretty normal, I'm looking to the future. I believe God has asked something of me - and I'm unsure if I can do it. In fact, it was pretty distressing. When it is something that can affect a few people, you should really get confirmation, so I said, OK, if someone confirms it to me, I will do it....or if I feel brave enough I'll do it anyway. Something tells me that God will force my hand if I don't. If it is Him that's asking.
The old me would probably be climbing the walls at this point. I'm just trying to trust.
Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart
Be all else but naught to me, save that Thou art
Be Thou my best thought by the day or the night
Both waking and sleeping, Thy presence my light
Happy New Year, wherever you are.
No, instead, I've been doing lots of normal stuff, and daft stuff, trying to take my mind off a thorn in the flesh. One that I've had for 7-8 weeks now, and yes, I've asked Him to take it away. Several times. And I will keep asking. It's something that should go away on its own - eventually - but I wonder how much longer I have to endure this. I wonder if I'll be ready for anything that's chucked at me when it is all over. And I like to hope there will be a mighty testimony at the end of it.
Also, as is probably pretty normal, I'm looking to the future. I believe God has asked something of me - and I'm unsure if I can do it. In fact, it was pretty distressing. When it is something that can affect a few people, you should really get confirmation, so I said, OK, if someone confirms it to me, I will do it....or if I feel brave enough I'll do it anyway. Something tells me that God will force my hand if I don't. If it is Him that's asking.
The old me would probably be climbing the walls at this point. I'm just trying to trust.
Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart
Be all else but naught to me, save that Thou art
Be Thou my best thought by the day or the night
Both waking and sleeping, Thy presence my light
Happy New Year, wherever you are.
Friday, 16 December 2011
Overwhelmed
I'm just sitting here thinking to myself, how bizarre it will be to read, say, a year from now, the stuff I've written over the last few days, when I recall all that is happened in the last week, the unbelievable highs and lows; setbacks that have brought me down, and my Father lifting me up again.
Would I do all this again? I'd do it twice.
Back to business. No practice this week, which has added to the odd feel of the week. I only have a vague idea of who is willing to play on Sunday, the music is not Christmassy at all (although it still fits for Advent) and we've yet to have a discussion about the 25th.
You know what? I'm not going to worry about it. I feel like I've just come off a fairground ride (or it has, at least, slowed down) and I'm still too dizzy to think about it. Time is short, but, hey, I don't really care. God's in charge.
Would I do all this again? I'd do it twice.
Back to business. No practice this week, which has added to the odd feel of the week. I only have a vague idea of who is willing to play on Sunday, the music is not Christmassy at all (although it still fits for Advent) and we've yet to have a discussion about the 25th.
You know what? I'm not going to worry about it. I feel like I've just come off a fairground ride (or it has, at least, slowed down) and I'm still too dizzy to think about it. Time is short, but, hey, I don't really care. God's in charge.
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