Green pastures

Well it's been over a month since I posted here.  Life gets away from me sometimes, and I got to thinking the other day, 2 months gone and has anything happened at all for me this year?

Well, actually, a lot has happened.  But it's mostly been work within my heart rather than physical events.  Though there has been a few of those also.  Like, finding a new church.  Finding a new friend within that church.  Starting to move in evangelical worship. (who'd have thought, an Anglican Pentecostal like me?)  My friend, nearly clear of cancer, praise God for His healing power.  Passing anniversaries, some joyful, some I find difficult to ponder on without tears.  There are a lot of anniversaries for me at this time of year.  Planning a trip to London.  Looking forward to trips in June that are work related.  Personal health scares are over.   And although it is still cold here, watching spring develop and the evenings get longer.

Mostly though, God is changing my attitude in a few things - and giving me strong convictions in others.  Several subjects will get me off on a rant I would probably be unable to stop.  Unity.  Revival.  Denominations.  Community work and the church.  Issues that schism the church such as gay marriage and women bishops.

Some may call me two faced with some of the opinions, which I really don't want to go into (I could write me a book).  But I don't really matter.  I am just one voice amongst thousands.  What matters is - just where is the church going, and why aren't those responsible guiding the vehicle just a little more surely, with purpose and clear directives?  And when they do have a clear directive, or a programme that works, why aren't they sharing and/or voicing their successes and failures to help others move on?

Outreach this week.  I have a feeling that at the end of the summer that task will be no more.  I'm OK with this though I think.  I could let go when God requires it, because He will replace it with something else.  Something different.  Something special.  Something awesome.

Courage

I drafted a post on Monday, going into further detail of what happened to me on Sunday.  I decided not to post it.  It felt just too personal somehow, but lets just say that God is calling me to mature to another level.

I saw a friend on Wednesday and told them all about it, it was difficult to sort out all my emotions about talking to them - it's been a couple of months since I last saw them...

...and I hope that I will see them again....something at the back of my mind I can't ignore.

Anyway, a few weeks ago, I gathered some choruses together for this week's outreach.  On face value the structure is quite un-Christmassy, but in fact there is a father-son theme going through which is quite appropriate.  No carols though.

I then lost courage with 3 of them and replaced them.

God then put one of the dropped on my heart so strongly that I feel that He has pretty much commanded me to teach it to the congregation, and to make sure I do.  (It is very new, written this year and was a Kingsway offering a little while back.  I was thinking about teaching them after the message had ended, during ministry)  1st one replaced.

As I often do, I played them through last night.  The first one is all wrong.  I love it, but it just doesn't fit.  The 4th one, ditto.  The 2nd of the 3 was replaced.  When building the PP, I replaced the 1st with a lively chorus/hymn that fits much better, and one that was seemingly an immovable chorus was replaced and I didn't even know it was a problem until then.

And, finally, the 3rd one I lost courage with was put back, God is telling me to go out on a limb.  The original structure is back, with one replaced.  So I figure, if I'm the only one praising God tomorrow, sobeit.  The Boss has spoken.  Still no carols.

For all sorts of reasons, this might be the last time I lead worship at this group's outreach.  It could all fall flat or could be brilliant.  But I know that God thinks I'm fab whatever.  And that's what counts.

A day in the life

Yesterday is a day for storing up in my heart.  It was very very special.  I always knew it was going to be - I just didn't totally appreciate my part in it.

It was an event I know that I will be asked to do again, gosh I loved the experience but mate am I tired today.  I was asked to lead worship before each of the three sessions, and do one or two choruses after each of the sessions, so 6 in total. 

I didn't do all I wanted to do, and one or two of the "rank outsiders" got an outing.  I was sorry that there didn't seem to be a place for Fellingham's "There is a day", but I did do "Bless the Lord O My Soul (10,000 reasons)" (I should point out, on the cards even before it turned up on Kingsway this week) - this for the first time for me (and without the thump-thump-thump, promise you it does work without), and also a beautiful worship chorus called "Ruach" - not so well known, but was appreciated.

The cong were so encouraging, loving everything even when it seemed that some choruses weren't as well known as I thought.

I need to get hold of the CD recordings of the speaker because it really wasn't sinking in properly - there were one or two things I picked up on, and I was prayed for after I finished my duties, but it would be good to listen to it all again and let the gospel sink in...and reminisce on the annointing...

Something special has happened, with me, over the last couple months, ever since stuff started going a bit pear shaped in early July.  Yesterday, I finally understood how much I had matured, and how important my calling is.

I cried out for some clarity as to my direction yesterday, I didn't seem to get an answer.  Maybe I'm just not ready for it.  Maybe I need a Word spoken over me that is the starting gun...

I'm going to bask a little, pray a little, get ready for tonight and tomorrow for an event that, for once, I'm not involved in ministry in any way, I can just enjoy the fellowship and food - physical and spiritual top up.

Encouragement

It really is a blessing that I'm experiencing success in most things I'm turning my hand to. For instance, today I made a big diagram and laminated it - never done anything like that before and I'm very proud of it.   I was never good at such stuff at school, I used to get more glue and paint on my own body than on what I was making.

It's like God is saying - you're doing OK.  Just hang in there and acknowledge Me in everything you do.  And I am.

When life goes the way it is at the moment, when I've made certain decisions and plans, where the slightest upset can set off a wave of emotion, it is so comforting that God's Word is true - He will make your paths straight if you just acknowledge Him.  It makes everything much easier to bear.

Not wavering from a message I'm going to give at Bible study

Not wavering from my resolve to rest and seek Him for a couple of weeks

Seeking Him rather than getting advice for every small issue

Taking my woes to Him rather than relying on my own strengths.  Even if I do feel like an ungrateful, spoiled child sometimes.

I mean, the blessings given me are abundant.  When I hear and read of other people's lives, it puts my own problems into perspective.  But I say, it doesn't make mine any less real.  I can pray for those going through it, and some have been going through it for months.  I struggle, I fight, I then read books like James and realise that such attitudes can only end up with a literal or metaphorical dislocated hip.

Time to stop struggling, enjoy the next few days before a storm of a week coming, then hopefully peace.  MeandGodtime.

Why does God do this?

Why, when you're feeling your most unworthy, sinful, broken-hearted, useless (I'm sure a few out there could add more and then some)...

...does He start to pour out encouragement after encouragement and blessing after blessing?

In some ways, it makes me feel worse.

My feelings about this morning were largely unfounded.  It was good actually, a peaceful service and different (thought I wouldn't want it every week)

The moment I walked in, I had someone encouraging me.  Then I heard something that was a further, direct encouragement, shared with the congregation...

...then I got another after the service...

...then more when sitting in the canteen...

...uhhh...Boss, please I don't know how much of this I can take.  I lost count of the fruit that was popping up after seeds thrown, some of it in a hissy fit.

Another special night coming up soon, I knew there had to be a reason for some of the revival and praise choruses I've been preparing lately.

God's got me too ashamed to be ashamed.  If you get my drift.  And if you do, explain it to me, I'm going to bed before I get a headache...

...ping..!

Do I feel better after chatting with my friends?

Actually, fellowship does make you feel better, in any circumstance, in any walk.  I still feel I'm at somewhat a turning point in my life, and if one small domino falls, it will cause a chain reaction I will be unable to stop, resulting in a major change in my life.  Does this bother me?  Yes, a bit.  Do I believe God's in charge?  Yes, I do, making my first question and answer seemingly unworthy, but I am only human, and don't we want to be in charge of our lives, really?

But I learned a lot from yesterday, even if, spiritually I still feel a bit battered, I'm just going to have to hang in there.  Then one of them said something, which, when I pondered on later I thought....

...A-HA...NOW  it makes sense

It was somewhat comforting to find out something about a key thing that was bothering me, a purely human element, which I now need to work out how to handle.

Do I stand up to it?

Do I pray my way through it?

Do I endure and suffer it?

..or do I leave?  (Last resort)

I know my calling.  I have never been so sure of it.  The advice is to stand by this belief, and dig in.  Can't say I won't come back here and winge occasionally....

Changes

When you are "growing up" you don't feel it, but you do change, little by little, every day, until one day you have a revelation that you have "grown up" but don't actually feel it.

Maybe it is similar with the walk in Christ.  You change, little by little, not noticing, until you realise, I'm changed from the person I was a year ago. 

The changes up to now have been mental, what Paul called "renewing of minds", what some translations have as "changing the way you think", both good translations, but it doesn't describe the fact that certain areas of your life were ashes - and Jesus has changed them to beauty.

Such is the way with me at the moment.  Yes, I recognise change in me.  This has come through time and obedience.  No immediate changes made at time of said obedience (although I have had some wonderful revelations) just a realisation that hey - I don't feel like that any more.  And then your output changes and the really special stuff begins.

I may have said earlier in the blog, I can't remember, that someone said, or I read (Doerksen more than likely) that God will require at least 1 song off any worship leader, one of their own.  Well, it's early days with that, although I have the framework of one, past experience tells me I may not have much talent for songwriting.  But what came to mind recently is I am quite good at adapting songs into given situations.  Speeding them up, slowing them down, merging, drifting, and there are even early signs of improvisation...

During the last few days I produced a new adaptation of a chorus that is about 10 years old.  I removed the bridge, added an intro, reprised the intro as a sort of bridge and changed the ending.  It is still the guy's song, for all intents and purposes, but it has ended up shared and I offered it up in practice last night.  I think that said worship leader/songwriter (who is pretty famous in the Christian world and very prolific still) would approve.

Play it solo.  Was the overwhelming and highly surprising response from the group.  You might think that sounds like they didn't like it.  No, far from it.  They loved it, so much so that they wanted to give it a more special position in the night I plan to play it.  And they want me to teach them the arrangement.

This blessing, which I feel is more than I deserve, has got me a bit awestruck, and is beginning to give me confidence in trying more.  Today I said to God that I want more, whatever you need to do in me, do it.  Dangerous prayer, but I mean it.  Never meant it more.  And I never thought I'd change as much to say that.

One Better Day

Had a chat with the Boss, last night, this morning and at lunchtime.  Feel somewhat calmer again.

Don't think I have closure on any of my main concerns, but last night, what I have come to believe is The Voice said something to me that almost knocked me out of my socks....

Could it be?

I don't want to repeat it here, as I won't be saying anything about it to anyone else, it is so deeply personal and would distract from its main purpose.  But it is highly surprising.

Instead, I will tag this post, prophecy, which will in turn jog my memory further down the line, a milestone of encouragement if you like.  But actually, it could be a whole lot more than that.

One better day

Worship this morning:

Come, Praise the Lord
Jesus is the Name we Honour
All My Days
Jesus Christ (Once again)
Angels Bow

Nobody (other than the group of course, but only since Thursday) knew the first and last choruses, out of the rather famous Getty stable.

But - it didn't matter.  It was appreciated, I think the first will become a favourite in time, and the last the congregation will get used to and also gain its own special annointing.

Health wise - I am getting better - gradually.  Sometimes I think I'm milking it, I consider the choruses this morning and know that my problems are insignificant compared to the sacrifice that Jesus made.  So, so, so minor in comparison.  Although no-one in the church knows the full extent of what I've been through lately, I discussed the outline with one of the others; the fact is, too many problems came along at the same time, and this could be a danger period for me, a temptation to walk away from the path and carry on the same route I was on before - quite possibly the one that led to hell.

And there was a word, in fact, two, for me this morning as well.  Throughout all the pain, hassle and internal struggles I have looked to Him, constantly.  If I persevere, God will take me to a higher plain.   My struggle then was to keep the tears back to do the last worship choruses. And after the worship, the word was that I should not fear; an angel with a flaming sword was there with me.

I should thank and acknowledge those members personally, the moment wasn't right, but the Spirit is telling me I should confirm their words, as further encouragement, so that God increases in the church.

The message was wonderful too - an excellent summary of the Holy Spirit, I have notes - I think I may forego my regular Bible reading (I'm reading the Bible cover to cover, currently I'm in Jeremiah) and study the One who has become my true Friend.

Pain

If I could sum the last week up!

Couldn't do my normal post on Sunday - I have no internet access from home.  Also, my sore tooth did not get any better and had to go back to the dentist for antibiotics.  I prayed for healing, but I do believe I know the reason why nothing happened as quickly as I hoped, and as a result I have made a life-changing decision.  When the week is over, I hope that the last week's struggle, and the last 24 hours, will turn into a testimony to glorify God and kick Satan up his backside.

Anyway.

Worship on Sunday:

O Lord Our God (We will Magnify)
Oh to See the Dawn
Into Your Hands
Jesus, You are Changing Me

Shortened, to allow for longer message.  I was in tears before "Into Your Hands" I felt so rough, I had to drag my way through it, trusting in the Spirit to carry me.  I went straight home after the service was over, for the first time in I don't know how many weeks (I usually like the fellowship with a cup of tea) but I really didn't feel sociable.

Later, as I reflected, I remembered all the positive things from the morning.  Speaker said the choruses were perfect (and he's one for speaking his mind, and truthfully, no bias).  Although I was in tears at various points, after the end of Changing Me I went back to the bridge and chorus of Into Your Hands.  Singing in tongues.  The feeling of not being there, that it wasn't me playing, that me and the congregation were around The Throne of Grace.....and what picture did one of the congregation have after worship?  A picture of all of us, in normal everyday clothes, around the glassy sea....as for me, I knew that dark forces were trying to steal my joy, all I could do was stand up there, play, direct the worship to the Throne Room of God, despite what I felt inside, despite the pain...this was, truly, a sacrifice of praise.  But He was expecting more, which I discovered Monday.  Maybe I'll explain another time.

Back to Thursday.  Had a great time in practice.  Only three of us, and we got through it pretty speedily, so we practiced Through Our God We Shall Do Valiantly (it was in the original order, but was the one that got dropped to shorten the worship - we will probably do later this month), the Tersanctus version of Holy, Holy and Tell Out My Soul.  It was actually fun, but I find practice always invigorates and encourages me.  And, during the weekend, managed to work out next week's, with ideas for the week after - but frustratingly unable to communicate these ideas or the music to the group.  Methinks I will have a lot of printing to do tomorrow night, unless we get the internet back before then...I found an old, forgotten chorus that goes beautifully with a fairly new chorus (and in the same key), which gave me the shivers as I practiced them together....thank You, Holy Spirit for the development of the group and Your gift to me...

Also, I started a Powerpoint database of songs so that the group can be truly mobile without any tedious restrictions as to what we can play.  If the Spirit wants us to play a certain chorus (hopefully one we've practiced before) we will be able to, if I give PA man the file beforehand.  Have projector and laptop ready, click on Index, find alphabetically listed song....done.  May sound obvious and simple to you perhaps, but for a young church this is cutting edge.  Praise God that this is the sort of thing I am really good at; finding solutions and using resources to the best of my ability.

All in all, my personal problems seem minor.  I just need to get through the next few days without succumbing to temptation....but succumb to the Refiner's Fire.

Feel a little guilty...

I played my guitar a bit on Monday, just to check the submissions this week, one questionable one (maybe the key's too low), but I practiced for barely 20 minutes.  Didn't practice yesterday, the weather is absolutely glorious today, so maybe not this evening either.  Going out on a mission tomorrow (which may or may not include a new guitar), so I'm left with tiny windows in which to practice - tonight after sunset and maybe mid afternoon tomorrow.

After the service on Sunday, the clarinetist had a word from the Lord for me: "You're too hard on yourself" - but I don't want apathy to set in.  For the next couple of weeks, there's only 3 of us in the worship group, which may make things easier - or harder, depending on how well those two know the choruses I've picked.  Somehow I think having the larger group is easier, especially as I will be missing the flautist for two weeks - her good, strong, melody playing coupled with good rythmn.  (Rythmn is my weakness, and I frequently get the melody slightly wrong)

Hand it over to the Lord.  Wait.  Listen.  Hear.

Praise through the hard times

I learned a lot of what I do now at the feet (almost literally, she stood, I sat) of a wonderful local worship leader.  She's been through it, and you know that sometimes we have to go through the fire - how can we be refined otherwise?

She spoke of a time when she was experiencing health and personal problems and was crying out to God, who said to her clearly, "But you've praised Me throughout this, haven't you?"  Yes, she said, the only thing that keeps me going and the only thing that I can do when everything else fails.

When the evil one tries to tighten the grip of fear, worry, tension, heartache, adversity, resentment (list is not exhaustible) praise God and the devil will flee, leaving Jesus to heal the wounds that have been left behind.

Thursday night practice, I thought beforehand that I couldn't make it through, yet once there, I felt 2 Chron 20 in action.  The battle is the Lord's: stand therefore, do what you can do, if you can speak, if you can sing, you can praise.  I don't know how much the group knew of what was going on with me, I can say that at least one person there knew most of the story and stayed throughout even though they didn't have to (we both know why he did; and I thank the Lord for him), I don't think the rest of them could tell.  And that's how it should be: you can't let it show, because the enemy gets in again.

I am tired though.  I have harder work in my personal life now, but what else can I do except pick up my guitar and sing praises to my King, who is carrying me through this?

Merging and drifting

Sometimes you can get two worship songs that just merge beautifully in the right way.  I'm not talking about those that can follow on directly from one another, I've done that a fair bit, I mean merge, when you drift from one to another then reprise the former and sometimes drift to the latter.

First attempt tomorrow - if the Spirit feels right.  I won't do it if the service doesn't seem to be going that way.  Would be a disappointment, but I figure I have some months, if not years, to get this right.

A worry at the moment is I'm feeling like I'm drifting spiritually, like I'm detached, like this is happening to someone else, that I'm being rather business like, duty bound if you will to do this, and horrors, having thoughts of dropping the whole thing out of "boredom".  I have had this before, many years ago, just before I backslid.  At least, I suppose, I'm recognising it this time, the old familiar thoughts, my old demons saying I'm not good enough, not worthy, this is a passing fad.

Lord, hold me tightly.  Don't let me go I plead.  But I know that He won't.  I originally wrote "this time", the old demons again, GO AWAY.  It wasn't He that let me go.  It was me that walked away.  I'm not going to walk away, I'm determined to be faithful.

Many gifts, one body

1 Corinthians 12:12 For as the body is one, and hath many members, and all the members of that one body, being many, are one body: so also is Christ. KJV 1611

Paul was talking about gifts of the spirit, but this can apply to gifts or talents in the church.

Musicians, "technically", are higher up the pecking order in church heirarchy.  Doubtless, in Corinth, there was this "I prophesy, but you only speak in tongues, nyah nyah nyah" going on.

Each has their own gift, or talent, to give to God, via the church.  But to "puffeth oneself up" is wrong, causes division, and hurt in some cases.

Pride is something I fight with all the time.  I try to remind myself that I'm not doing this for me, or the church, primarily, I'm doing it for God.

A quote to remember

"It’s not a matter of asking did God show up to our meeting. The question to wrestle with is this: did we show up to meet with God?" - Reuben Morgan.


Read more here.