Rest

So, I'm free of any obligations for a few weeks, except for work of course.  I am in for a busy January as there are potentially 3 outreach sessions for WL, one of which is all day.

My health issues have settled down, although I have more tests coming up.  I am much calmer.  I am also hopeful, but maybe a bit impatient.  I have concerns for my friend, but at the same time I have a rather exciting vision for them I'd love to get confirmed.  I am slightly annoyed with one particular person, but that problem seems to have dissipated and I will quickly forgive them.  Last night I had a half hour ponder/meditate on "unity" and the lack of it in churches.  I was thinking about where I could end up, and in what capacity.

These are just a few things buzzing round my head at the moment.  I didn't go to church yesterday, I felt that the two outreach sessions were enough fellowship for the week, especially as I saw some old friends there...

...do I have any regrets?  On leaving, no.  For making some friendships more distant, oh definitely...

I don't think I'll go to church next week either.  As much as I love carols, as regular readers may know I feel uncomfortable with reducing the Son of God to a child in a manger.  Just the knowledge He came in poverty is enough.  It was what He became that is important.

End of December/start of January, I'll look at a couple more churches, and hopefully, eventually, settle.

Coming in like a flood

I'm still suffering a little, I can safely say I've had better months...tests are coming up negative which is good, of course...

The other day, I drafted a post, a rant really, with something that was going on in the media; in the end I decided it linked me too closely with specific events and people and I really don't want to drag them into it, it isn't fair.  Also, I realised, with a heavy heart, humans will be humans and some of them will never listen, even if they are told plainly.  Jesus had that problem too.  So I deleted the draft post, and I'm glad it never made it into whatever cloud if was heading for, as it may have bit me on the bum later.

Anyway, it is somewhat humbling to hear of acts of courageousness in my local area, suffering the worst flooding for some years.  It's now just the sweeping up.  I feel like I've been thrown about myself, drowning in hurt, self pity and bitterness...now it's just the cleaning up.  He's listened to my rant, I now just have to let go.  And slowly, I am.

There are outreach sessions coming up, and although I am ready for them (bizarrely, the choruses aren't really very Christmassy) I cannot take for granted that I will lead worship, anything could happen.  If He asks it of me, He will sustain me.  Such is my state of mind I take nothing for granted anymore.  I'll still go to them of course, they seem to be my only bread and butter nowadays.

I have to find a church.

Puzzles

I'm still feeling a bit rough, but I've found the best thing to take my mind off of the ailments is a good puzzle.  And not the one in your local newspaper, or a book from a newsagent shelf.  No, a mystery or pattern to solve in your head.

It's a trait I inherited from both parents, although I think my father would maintain I got it from my mother, both love a good think.

I was getting out of my depth in 2 Corinthians, and decided to read Genesis.  I love Genesis.  I always get something new out of it, and the scientific side of me has a multitude of thinking possibilities in just the first two chapters.

But if I get fed up blowing my mind with that, there are the two outreach sessions next month which I am assuming I am leading worship for (there is always an outside chance that I won't) so I'm doing some prep now.

Preparing worship is like a puzzle and the pieces have to slot in perfectly.  Too many worship leaders seem to chuck a few choruses together.  I did that last week, and the outcome was certain: mediocre.  No, I want these two to be special, but I also want them to be unique.  I feel a couple of choruses the Spirit has told me to play, and are non negotiable.  I now have to slot in the rest.

I'm loving this.  Oh, yes, frustrating, because I've been thinking this over for some days, nearly getting there, but not quite, re-arranging, seeing that it's still not right yet, moving, key changing, singing in my head (and out loud), practising in my head...

...you may think that this is all perhaps wasted time and self inflicted aggro.  But, when I feel a bit under the weather, it is, seriously, like medicine to me.

Well - it had to happen...

I didn't lead worship this morning.  I think everyone around me saw it coming apart from me, and I would have gone ahead with leading anyway, except for a phone call last night...

...Bossman telling me not to lead this morning.

It's the first time it's happened, and it is somewhat...irking...if that's a word.   I mean, I have taken a break through choice (although I maintain my hand would have been forced if I hadn't) and had an "unexpected" break for a special interlude, but never actually been told directly...don't...or else...

At least it wasn't as if I am spiritually messed up (well, that's up for debate actually) - or at least, not the reason for my sudden temporary redundancy, no, I'm still unwell, my voice is terrible and we have a special day next Sunday, for which I have to be well.

Still irking though.

Still, the service had to be cut short for one reason and another, the message was rather long (though I did get something out of it) and what the worship told me this morning is that if I am doubting that I am needed in that church, I should dismiss it.  A group needs a leader and it didn't have one this morning...

...which makes me think I need a second.  And pretty soon, in case this happens again.