Psalm 1

Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. But his delight is in the law of the Lord and in his law doth he meditate day and night. And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper. The ungodly are not so: but are like the chaff which the wind driveth away. Therefore the ungodly shall not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous.For the Lord knoweth the way of the righteous: but the way of the ungodly shall perish. (KJV 1611)

Psalm 1 sets the scene for a wonderful book of poetry, it's a statement of faith.

And I have made a statement of faith, I have now told several people about the "new" church, although I was still not certain, now I am sure - and speaking it out adds power to the words.  I want to put down roots.  I need to put down roots.  It was frivolous to think I could flit about for months.

I went to an evening service - first in ages - to hear a friend speak, in a church I'd been to before but morning only, and - as bittersweet as this is - the format of the service confirmed to me that the church that had been recommended to me, was not for me.  I wanted the place that I was starting to call home, despite its foibles.

And of course there's a bit of joy stealing going on, it's almost a given with me nowadays.  Still, I have found a quote to add to the list of favourites.

"My main ambition in life is to be on the devil's most wanted list." - Leonard Ravenhill

Puts me in mind of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.  I wanna be an outlaw.

Coming in like a flood

I'm still suffering a little, I can safely say I've had better months...tests are coming up negative which is good, of course...

The other day, I drafted a post, a rant really, with something that was going on in the media; in the end I decided it linked me too closely with specific events and people and I really don't want to drag them into it, it isn't fair.  Also, I realised, with a heavy heart, humans will be humans and some of them will never listen, even if they are told plainly.  Jesus had that problem too.  So I deleted the draft post, and I'm glad it never made it into whatever cloud if was heading for, as it may have bit me on the bum later.

Anyway, it is somewhat humbling to hear of acts of courageousness in my local area, suffering the worst flooding for some years.  It's now just the sweeping up.  I feel like I've been thrown about myself, drowning in hurt, self pity and bitterness...now it's just the cleaning up.  He's listened to my rant, I now just have to let go.  And slowly, I am.

There are outreach sessions coming up, and although I am ready for them (bizarrely, the choruses aren't really very Christmassy) I cannot take for granted that I will lead worship, anything could happen.  If He asks it of me, He will sustain me.  Such is my state of mind I take nothing for granted anymore.  I'll still go to them of course, they seem to be my only bread and butter nowadays.

I have to find a church.

Storms

I've been reading some Andrew Murray (no, not the tennis player, the South African preacher) and I realised that the sermon that I had alighted upon was speaking into my life.  He was talking about Peter and his "crisis of faith" and "conviction of sin" at the moment he realised that he had denied Christ three times as predicted...

...and yet He still loved Peter.  The Peter at the gate became a different Peter at Pentecost when he gave it all over and received an infilling of the Holy Spirit.

When we finally realise we haven't given it all, that we are still fighting with our flesh not His Spirit, only then, I think, can the true healing begin.

I've had an extremely difficult week.  I did have an enjoyable bit of fellowship Saturday evening - but over the phone.  They said to me they always prefer phone calls, so that's something I've now firmly noted.  The Saturday outreach was difficult, but well received.  I know that I didn't put a lot of effort into it, and you only get out what you put in.  Even the secular world recognises that.  Or at least, the sensible and unselfish ones do.

Yes - I went to church yesterday, and I was weeping all the way through. I am having a tough time, yet I haven't really admitted it to anyone.  With all the various aches and pains I've suffered over the years, from mild to utterly excrutiating, nothing compares to a hurting heart that just wants peace and rest.  I'm not sure the church I'm going to is for me.  The gospel is excellent, but I'm missing the Pentecostal worship.

Even so, the message was clearly be still, let go, and receive...much like what I read of Murray later.

I am not going to give up, though I am sorely tempted.  He never gave up on me.  It would be unthinkable, wrong to give up on Him.  Now is the time for standing on the promise, and to weather the storm.

Looking back...

...is never a good idea.

I mean, look what happened to Lot's wife.

I may post Kingsway's offering later, or tomorrow..perhaps.  I had a Bad Day yesterday, and today is the aftermath.

I looked back.  I asked and I got an answer. I rattled off an angry email, rattling the recipient, and they ended up thinking the anger was aimed at them.  It wasn't.  I was angry with a number of people, but not them.  I've sorted out that friendship, (I think) frankly it would be very difficult to create too large a chasm between us, because that's the type of person they are.

Hands stretched out in front, not looking behind.

I know I need to move on.  The temptation to bury the pain I feel...it's too easy to do that which I did in the past.  I know now - pain, resentment, anger, bitterness, they are fertile and rampant seeds that grow as weeds and thorns, and get in the way of the good seed, or choke the plants that grow.

I need to forgive.  I need to be cleansed.  I need to be healed.  In that order. 

Receiving hands, stretched out in front, not looking behind, and definitely no digging.

Balanced

Yesterday, I got some news that made we weep with joy.  What was incredible (or maybe not) was that it was pretty much what I had prayed for - when everyone else seemed to be giving it up for medical treatment, I had prayed there would be no trace and no need for a possible painful and lengthy process.

Through faith - this person is now able to carry on, as normal, with a scar, but this scar is a victory mark - proof of coming through great tribulation.

I would that another quarter had similarly happy news.  Instead, it just seems to be getting worse and worse.  It is really difficult to know what to pray for.

I'm not leading Sunday.  I'm using my prep time looking at and listening to songs I feel He has led me to, for future use.  Strangely - they all seem to be on the same theme, so I guess He's trying to tell me something...

Sense and logic

I have joked that God had a bit of a fight with me, with the personality that I am things have got to make logical sense before I can trust it.  I also have a problem with the word finite, that something is definitely the truth, because, well, basically, it just is.

I said to God I had a problem with finity.  He said "That's fine, I'm infinite, you have a lifetime to understand."  I rose to the challenge.

But sometimes stuff just doesn't make sense wherever you file it, even with people saying God just is.  I challenged someone last night in a biblical context, they said something was written when it wasn't.  It was minor, and I almost regretted saying it because although sometimes I revel in being contentious, it could be seen as petty at face value.  Trouble is, the person argued back, and then I really couldn't let go of it.

My mind had already been thrown off kilter by a few pieces of news, one of which had me practically in tears before Bible study begun.

Why?  Just....why?

Throughout the evening, God seemed to be asking "Are you angry with Me?"  I tried to avoid answering, but once cornered, I had to be honest: "I hope I'm not.  I can't begin to understand Your purposes."

Someone said to me the other day that if what I'm doing is a burden to me, and too heavy, I need to stop - and a picture has entered my mind of manual handling courses where you're taught not to lift anything that's too heavy - and at least know the right way to carry it.

I learned something last night though - with what I am about to do, I am on my own.  I can't drag anyone else into it, unless they want to pray for me.  Actually, I'm not on my own, I have my SOH, my guitar, and God.  This was all I started with over a year ago, everything else I have to let go of, only then can I start walking straight again.

Good and bad

Strangely, Kingsway haven't posted anything this week - it may be down to holidays, they may post something later, but has never been this late before - so I'm guessing that there won't be one this week.

I've got a fair bit to occupy my mind anyway.

Got some upsetting news this morning regarding one sick friend, who has basically had a turn for the worse.  I won't go into my thoughts here, and at the risk of this maybe sounding strange, it is their spouse that I feel most for, and have the burden from the Lord to pray for - and I do, nightly, and sometimes during the day.  We know where the person is going - and so does the spouse - but it doesn't make it any easier to bear - I'm sure one of my followers relates strongly to that, albeit that I cannot.  Yet.  That day may come for me, and maybe this is what stings my conscience.  I am very likely to end up alone for a period of my life and I am so grateful Christ is a Friend, the greatest I could have, because my secular personality...

...I dread to think what my secular personality would do in such a situation...

I should pray for a miracle - but it is actually a little more complicated than that.  I believe in miracles, actually I know they exist, but in this situation it is difficult to know what to pray for.  It's almost as if God has given me an easy way out in praying primarily for their spouse.

But there was good news today.  One of my closest brothers in Christ, as mentioned the other day, is still improving and has come home.  This is truly joyous news, and I actually wonder whether I'll be able to visit him next week?  It would be good if I can get my act together to do at least that.

Lay it at the feet

Worship this morning:

Rejoice!
Take us to the River
Your Love shining like the sun (Pour over me)
Jesus You are changing me

There were 5 originally scheduled, but the Spirit led it all differently this morning.  Further news of improvement in the health of my Brother in Christ, which nearly had me in tears before worship began.

Still there is a raincloud.  Still there is something that needs serious sorting.  I'm not sure where it's going to turn, but I need to take the advice that's been given - Give.  It.  To.  Him.  Quit wrestling with it.

I nearly posted something on Friday or Saturday about something that happened Thursday, but I realised that it was going to be a girliepitypartyrant, unhelpful and not exactly objective.  And very confusing to the casual reader.  And probably to me some months down the line.  Needless to say, similar has happened before.  From the same person.  And it's been going on for months.  Bringing me down.  Making me doubt my future.

I complained that the night has been long.  I've been told to be faithful until dawn.  Here's some honesty - I don't know whether I can or if I am being faithful to the right calling.  It could all be taken out of my hands anyway.  Don't get me wrong - I do not doubt what I've been called to be - I doubt where I've been called.  But it was good to talk to someone today who truly understands my position.  Oh how God knew that they had to be there the first time I poured out my heart on these matters.  How could we have possibly imagined it would be under these circumstances.

And this is confusing to the casual leader.  Sorry about that.  But I have to lay it somewhere, why not here?

Slow development

This morning went OK - I may have expected more out of it, but I felt comfortable enough, and a couple of them thanked me so I'm fairly happy.

I'm not firing on all cylinders today though, it looks like a nice day and I've been invited round someone's house but I really don't feel up to it.

An old enemy reared its head this morning, and as soon as I felt it, I thought, oh no not again.  Not exactly a thorn in the flesh, more something that I really should get seen to at some point - by a spiritual warrior rather than a doctor.   Haven't felt that way in about 15 months.  It passed, probably because the Spirit is strong in my life, but it is something I don't want to occur too frequently, not with other things being the way they are.

And the news from the other quarters looks increasingly heartbreaking.  I know that there are positive thoughts that can come out of this, that our future does not stop with death, in fact it begins there.  But why, I think, why should there be grief be in the world?  And why should some suffer it keenly, and more than once in their life?  At least I now know why He has asked me to pray for this person so specifically, and fervently.  And I will.

Anyway - I practiced my singing this afternoon despite a churning stomach, and it felt good to concentrate on my voice for a little while, now that singing lessons have a bit of a hiatus.  When leading worship, the focus tends to be on other things rather than my actual voice - it needs special attention once in a while.

First Sunday in 4 weeks tomorrow.

James 3:4

Behold also the ships, which though they be so great, and are driven of fierce winds, yet are they turned about with a very small helm, whithersoever the governor listeth. (KJV 1611)


James was in the middle of a discussion about taming the tongue, but I caught an analogy in above; we are the ships, life is the fierce winds, and the governor, naturally, is God.

All part of this treasure hunt I'm on.

Today went really well.  They've asked if I can do it again sometime, and of course I said I would, but still I wasn't 100% satisfied.  Still I'm too hard on myself.  And still I have these niggles with the church.  Slowly, these concerns are becoming more organised, and each time I lay it before Him, it starts making more and more sense.....and then wonder if He wants me to kick off what I think the churches should be doing - and I wouldn't know where to start.  And now I'm worried for us, because we have ended up a little, erm, rudderless lately, with sabbaticals and sicknesses, one of whom I regard as a very close brother in Christ.  It is serious but not terminal, it will need some recovery time and I'm not the only one who's going to miss him.  The good news is that there are two external pastors willing to make sure we stay standing and don't drift (or at least have an anchor we can borrow).

I was prayed for today to receive more glory, to show myself a carrier of God's glory, for my ministry to expand, for my burdens to be lifted.  Oh yes, and for an open door.

I really could do with one right now.

Great is Thy Faithfulness

Yesterday, I had a Bad Day.

Basically, it started with a phone call that got me angry and I lost my temper with the caller.  I was very remorseful later, such is the nature of the phone call I cannot call them back to apologise, I'll have to wait for them to call me.  But I said I was sorry to God, and I prayed a bit more honesty to Him last night, and today...

...today I was feeling better about things.  There is still something there though...what is it that is dragging me down?

I listed all my niggles to God, thinking all these were part of the whole.  I've taken to writing down what I feel He is telling me, in the hope that it is a puzzle I have to solve, a treasure hunt.  I think it is actually, as I get closer to an answer I try not to feel frustrated.  (I have a term I call 'bark through the wire' when I seem to get close to something but don't quite get it.  It comes from the character Fiver in the book Watership Down.)

Then, today, whilst watching the tennis (which wasn't doing my blood pressure any good at all, and Sunday will be worse...Fed or Murray, what a choice) I got a phone call...

...seems that there's an important meeting planned next week, not for my church, but for another Christian organisation in the area, and they are without a worship leader.  Their normal worship leader is going through some horrible troubles at the moment.  In fact, this worship leader was my predecessor...  I was astounded, honoured even that I was the first person thought of, are me and the other WL the only WL's in the area?  Or am I just doing myself down again?  But duty kicked in.  I don't know whether I'm ready to lead worship, by my own strength.  God has offered this incredible opportunity, I cannot turn it down.  My church has backup, it seems this particular setup doesn't.

I was still digesting this overwhelming blessing, and then during Bible study, I finally got the revelation I was waiting for.  It isn't all the little things bringing me down.  It's the one Big Thing with my predecessor.  Am I angry with God?  Or confused that such things can happen to such good people?  That we have to go through it sometimes, but must that person go through it again (yes, they've been through similar before) ?

And then I remember, he delivers us in, not always from...

And Bible study was all about trials and tribulations and how God wants to refine us.  Oh man, even in my darkest hour I still seem to be in tune with what's going on.

I must

Praise Him in everything that's going on, for only then can healing begin
Pray into everything that is troubling me
Pray for His heart and His compassion

I still don't know when I'm going back to Sunday worship, but thankfully the person that is effectively "in charge" over the next few weeks I consider a close friend, and understands me deeply.  This helps with the "phasing back in" process (gosh that sounds clinical, I know what I mean)

..and tonight, whilst eating my dinner, God, just to remind me who's in charge, had "When the Music Fades" play on the radio.  The anthem of ten thousand times ten thousand and thousand and thousand Worship Leaders.  Yes, I wept.  And I remembered.  Thank You God.

In the furnace..

The other day, I read a very good sermon given by a guy called John Ortberg (I really should read more of him.  He is very inciteful, honest and witty.  He wrote If You Want To Walk On Water You Have To Get Out Of The Boat).  He was talking about going through trials and he used the account of the fiery furnace; Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.

I'm sure you know the story.  They were ordered to bow down to idols else be thrown into the furnace, they said no, besides our God can deliver us from the furnace and even if He doesn't, we will not worship your false gods.  Nebu got rather angry at this, got the furnace hotter than the very pits of hell and it consumed some of those who were throwing them in.  But they saw them in the midst of the furnace, unbound, and a fourth person with them.  (Probably Jesus, says Ortberg.  He's probably right.)

He made a very important point.  They were not delivered from the furnace, they were delivered in the furnace.

Perhaps when I pray and I'm feeling that I'm facing a difficult choice - in my case it seems the flames or the wilderness - I should remember He delivers me in both.

I've added the set of sermons which includes this, to my booklist, on the right.  On Amazon, it is only available for the Kindle, but there may be some printed copies elsewhere.

Weary ways...

I wouldn't normally post twice in one day, or maybe I'll just hold over the Kingsway download until tomorrow.  I saw what it was before I went to work this morning, it is one that I already have (and has been offered by Kingsway for free last year) - but I didn't mind (again) because it is a good one...and it almost made me cry with how God can make even the little things so poignant.

I heard some desperately sad news last night.  Firstly, though, I had received an email from a friend, which in turn reminded me of a chorus I'd been meaning to transcribe to Musescore for some time.  Whilst I was copying things over, the news came in and the words suddenly held more meaning.  After a walk (it was a beautiful evening - I always find it is when very bad news comes in, it's like God knows you need some earthly comfort) I finished it off, put it onto the words file, I just need to scribble the chords on the words sheet and it will be introduced to the church soon, possibly the first week I'm back.

I don't want to go into what the news was, as I just think it is far too personal, even describing it "generally" - it would hold too many clues of who they are and I don't want to publicise anything.  It has thrown my fragile emotions off kilter a little, and I am so glad work is busy and I can throw myself into that, but the quiet times...

Needless to say, the news made me think about relationships, the unfairness of the state of the world, God's perfect justice, faith, and, as yesterday, Romans 8:28-29.

Then the song of hope that Kingsway has posted brought the feelings back again.  There are lessons here and I must think about them.

Endurance

The other day I shared a car with another Christian - unexpectedly, I didn't realise that he was a churchgoer.  It was wonderful to talk about my faith, belief, knowledge in an intelligent way with someone outside my church.  I was having a Good Week.

The other night, I had a dream, I dream most nights.

I'm not going to turn this into a dream blog.  I actually agree with most people; there is nothing more boring than reading other people's dreams, because, frankly, there's nothing you can really add or take away from them.  Some dreams are significant, I've had a few of those, they sort out stuff in your head.

But - basically - dreams are mixed up ideas of the subconcious.  Sometimes dreams can help you look subjectively at your problems.  Sometimes, God speaks through them.   If your spirit is with His Spirit part of His Plan can be revealed through them.   But, mostly, they reflect your mental health.

It was a typical mixed up and confusing dream.  I won't state details.  But it was linked to my thoughts about Saturday night.  In the dream I said to someone that I was absolutely petrified (with nerves).  It's true.  I am.  But I daren't think about it.

After a pretty good practice last night, there was another incident that upset me..hugely.  I shrugged it off initially, not wanting my friend to see how it has affected me, when I got home, I broke down.  I gritted my teeth, pouring out honesty to God in how I felt about the person who hurt me, stopping short of naughty words, but praying for them also.

But my mental health over the matter is not good.   It is good that I am taking a couple of weeks out soon.  But in prayer I admitted that it may be difficult for me to return.  I feel like my heart is being whipped.  It will be difficult to come back for more, for He never said it was going to be easy.

I want to talk to my friends again, but they are having their own issues in life, and after the warning shot from God to speak to Him about such matters more often, I'm even more reticent.  Don't really know what to do.

Looking forward to 25th, because I know that he wants me to give those 10 odd days (maybe longer) to Him.

Why did the week get soured in such a way, and how can I get myself on track?

Just when I thought it was safe...

No.  I was burying them again, all the emotions, all the hurt, all the frustrations.

I hate it when life seems to be ticking along again, and the same ole, same ole, same ole problem just comes up time and time again.

New problems I can handle.  Perhaps they are not pleasant, but at least they are interesting.  But when you have examined a problem to frustration point and you can't see a way through, to have it well up in your conscience again and again is a bit like being beaten with a stick when you're still bruised.

Yes.  I know.  I should lay them at the feet of the Cross.  I thought I had, and to be fair, I have made no attempt lately to "sort it out myself".  The frustrations come up of their own accord.  In fact, last night, I was wondering what was bothering me as I lapsed into silence after practice, troubled about the sickness in the church maybe?  Then it hit me later.  Something had been said, and it brought an old problem to the surface that will simply not die.  It has a remarkable sense of survival; this type of thing makes me think that He actually needs me to make some move to deal with it...

It will be passive - for a few weeks.  But what then?  The Q word has hit my thoughts again, and every time it does, I get more and more resolved to do so.  But I did make a promise to someone not to until I had spoken to them - and frankly, now isn't the time.

But I can't go on like this.  Really, I can't.

Well - it had to happen...

I didn't lead worship this morning.  I think everyone around me saw it coming apart from me, and I would have gone ahead with leading anyway, except for a phone call last night...

...Bossman telling me not to lead this morning.

It's the first time it's happened, and it is somewhat...irking...if that's a word.   I mean, I have taken a break through choice (although I maintain my hand would have been forced if I hadn't) and had an "unexpected" break for a special interlude, but never actually been told directly...don't...or else...

At least it wasn't as if I am spiritually messed up (well, that's up for debate actually) - or at least, not the reason for my sudden temporary redundancy, no, I'm still unwell, my voice is terrible and we have a special day next Sunday, for which I have to be well.

Still irking though.

Still, the service had to be cut short for one reason and another, the message was rather long (though I did get something out of it) and what the worship told me this morning is that if I am doubting that I am needed in that church, I should dismiss it.  A group needs a leader and it didn't have one this morning...

...which makes me think I need a second.  And pretty soon, in case this happens again.

Find me in the river

I'm going through a bit of an odd stage.

I've been "unwell" all week.  I've put that in inverted commas because despite it being rather flu like, and has left its calling card of a sore throat and cough, I'm of the attitude:  Pfffft.  Spiritually I feel like I've been through a lot worse in the last 6 months.  This is a minor inconvenience in comparison.  So, despite the feelings of breathlessness after a coughing fit engendering sympathy from some quarters, {takes on teenage demeanour} I'm, like, 'whatever', {teenage mode off}.  But....

I've had a successful afternoon, I've picked the choruses and hymns for two Sundays, or at least He has.  I asked, so I chorusstormed and out they came.  A few of the transitions have got me quite excited actually.  (Particularly for a special guest week) But....

Oh, and I've nearly come to the end of Stage 1 of the Great Music Project.  Stage 2 - the cataloguing, will be the key stage, because if I keep it properly up to date, it will prove invaluable when chorusstorming, because I'll be able to tell, at a glance, what I have, in what key and where it could fit, without having to trawl through a chord sheet file (or two).  The odd personality I am, I'm almost sorry it's got to the organisational stage, y'know, my WL life should be easier from hereon.  It doesn't mean that I have no more work to do on Musescore, oh no.  But any work I do on MS will be for research or experiments only, not panicitstuesdayandthemusiciansdon'thaveanymusic mad rush that it has been in the past.  But....

Yes, it seems I have teenage syndrome in my spiritual life.  Am I sulking?  The problems that I've referred to (OK, rather abstractedly on here) have not gone away, and I've been brooding on them again.  I think it's time to speak to my friends again, but I won't see them for a week...and...is it really necessary?

I've decided whilst writing this, when I get into Bible study this evening I'm going to seek answers, comfort and a bit of discipline from the Boss.  After all, my problems are His as well.  I need to know is it me, or something to pray into for change?

...ping..!

Do I feel better after chatting with my friends?

Actually, fellowship does make you feel better, in any circumstance, in any walk.  I still feel I'm at somewhat a turning point in my life, and if one small domino falls, it will cause a chain reaction I will be unable to stop, resulting in a major change in my life.  Does this bother me?  Yes, a bit.  Do I believe God's in charge?  Yes, I do, making my first question and answer seemingly unworthy, but I am only human, and don't we want to be in charge of our lives, really?

But I learned a lot from yesterday, even if, spiritually I still feel a bit battered, I'm just going to have to hang in there.  Then one of them said something, which, when I pondered on later I thought....

...A-HA...NOW  it makes sense

It was somewhat comforting to find out something about a key thing that was bothering me, a purely human element, which I now need to work out how to handle.

Do I stand up to it?

Do I pray my way through it?

Do I endure and suffer it?

..or do I leave?  (Last resort)

I know my calling.  I have never been so sure of it.  The advice is to stand by this belief, and dig in.  Can't say I won't come back here and winge occasionally....

The old old story

I now realise that I've been burying feelings, rather than talking them out with the people that matter.  I don't know if I can cope any more with these roller-coaster feelings.

A friend has agreed to help.  I'm not expecting a quick fix, but maybe before the end of next week I'll have more of an idea of what to do going forward.

I realised today, that exactly one year ago today, was the practice session for a newly formed worship group for our church, which I was part of, and my predecessor led.  That bittersweet thought brought the emotions up again...

And - is it me? - but the new Blogger interface is awful.  I want the old one back.

Rough and smooth

Here I am, back again with just my reflections for company.

I returned Friday, feeling somewhat...changed...

But Sunday I threw such an almighty hissy fit over something that later on in the day I was just so so ashamed.  Mega repentance, mega knee time.

Then I received a message about some stuff that went on in my absence - and my first reactions?  Resentment, jealousy, fear...

There is no place for such emotions and reactions in my life, as human as they are, at least they shouldn't be my first, gut reactions. It's made me think that I need to seek honesty from one, maybe two people before I decide what move I'm going to make next.

Last couple of days, after some more repentance and prayer, I've felt much better, but I'm still so uncertain.  Yet God warned me this would happen.  One of the last passages I read before coming home was in Mark's Gospel, when Jesus walks on water with the disciples fighting against a headwind...

...I came home to that headwind, one of my own making.  This could be a serious turning point, or maybe I'm blowing it out of all proportion.

Need to find out which.  And soon.  Time will be up before I know it.