10,000 Reasons

I read somewhere that the average person meets 10,000 people in their lifetime - presumably these are individuals with whom we interact in some way - more than a glance and/or a smile, but exchange a handshake or even a few words at least.

How many of those 10,000 influence the way we are, that have shaped our way of thinking, or even quote or talk about, years later?

Out of curiosity today, I went looking for one of those influences - and found that the Lord had taken him earlier this year.

He was an old man, in his nineties at least, and I am somewhat sorry that the last convo I had with him was shortly before his wife died over 10 years ago.  But I still talk about him, because he changed the way I thought about deliverance and miracles.  No longer can I say "he's still going, as far as I know" because He has decided that he deserves some meandGod time now, until the final day.

I may cry later, as I consider the 18 months where he held the most influence.  But, if it weren't for him, I probably would be a completely different person.

Another one of the 10,000 reasons to thank Him for putting the right person in your life at the right time.

For normality, please walk this way...

This morning, I went to the church that could quite possibly become my new home.

I then listened to a testimony - a woman just a couple of years older than me told me her life story in about 5 minutes and completely blew me away with her faith and integrity.  She took a few moments to recognise me; we got baptised on the same day last year.

I then got in contact with my friend, who's made the Final Step today in parting company with the same church I've parted company with - for different reasons (although one of their reasons was one of the kicks I needed)

My old singing tutor has been in touch to recommence the Saturday morning lessons.

Things are settling.  God will trouble the waters and then the ripples eventually desist until the water is as still as a duck pond.

Except - I don't think our spirits, as Christians, ever get that still.

Stress

Something rather nasty is occurring in my life at the moment.  I am fairly certain I am suffering symptoms of stress - the nasty ones at that.

I had a scary episode Sunday night and went to the doctors Monday morning.  He's given me some tablets and taken some blood.  Now wait.

And God shines through.  I emailed a number of the Christian brotherhood (just the ones who have email, there are a number I don't know/don't have email).   The outreach leader put me on the prayer chain.  The second in command sent me a get well card this morning.  Two others, the ones I regard as close friends, sent messages of support and prayer.

Those lights I need to focus on.

I was doing so well...

The health issue I mentioned seems to be easing off somewhat, which is great as I need to be moderately fit for the next couple of weeks - one outreach session as WL but it's mostly work, another love in my life which is likely to take more of a centre stage as I rest the fingers and strings for a while.

Or maybe that's not what God wants.  Hoopomonay is a difficult thing to master.

I was feeling healthy enough in body and mind to go shopping today, the cupboard really was nearly bare, and carrying 4 rather heavy shopping bags on my own got me feeling rather unwell again.

Nothing that a cup of tea can't fix, methinks.  Yes, a cup of tea and go through my emails.

.....blessings and words from the members of my previous church, and now I'm having trouble keeping the sobs at bay.  I didn't properly process them the first time round, now my head has stopped spinning with the speed of it all, reality has kicked in, or at least my humanity has.  Yes, I can be human sometimes, rather than a robot that just copes.

It's OK to cry though, I'm sure He understands.

Liberty she pirouette

I knew it would be painful.

I never thought what I suspected would be the truth.  And they also blew me sideways with a confirmation, actually, several confirmations

It's difficult to describe what emotions I'm feeling at the moment.  I'm distracting myself with various tasks on the laptop, well, games if I'm honest, though I will move on to a project that I've undertaken which has become less urgent, yet waves of....

...anger...sadness...regret...excitement...anticipation...compassion...

...pass over me with such intensity it is difficult to function, to decide whether I'm happy or sad.

I am certainly unhappy it's come to this.  I am even more unhappy that a close friendship I have formed in the last year will become more distant.  Oh, sure, the words "stay in touch" are too easy to say, and then life gets in the way of good intentions.

The decision was made easier for me.  This is pretty much God's confirmation to tell me to take that first step of faith.  With everything else going on.  I can...and will...forgive some of the key people who have brought it to this.  I suspect in a few months time I will see God's purpose in all this, where He rewards faithfulness with greater prizes, or even experiences which I can only dream of.

The upshot is - last Sunday week was the last time I led worship for the church.  I will also be leaving the church.  It may be a while before I lead worship on a Sunday again.

There are those that tell me that a calling is a calling - that if God has truly given you a ministry, He will show you the place where you are called.  I have to hold fast to the promises He has made to me already, and the ones that will come.

Friends

Must.  Be.  Patient.  Timing is everything, and I am so guilty of jumping in when the timing is all wrong.

Nearly there with one of the meetings though.  Intriguing that not only do I want to see them, they want to see me.

I don't know if this is some insight they've had into the situation, or maybe there is something very very important they have to say to me as well.

So.  Even more reason to be patient.  Double prayers over the weekend.

Clouds

Worship this morning:

The King of Love
Open the Eyes of my Heart
There is a Higher Throne
Light of the World
Thank You for Saving Me

The theme of the message was the power of the cross, it seemed a little obvious, but during ministry I felt I just had to play

Oh to see the Dawn

 And just...well....'cos...

Your Name, Higher than I Know

I rarely need an excuse to play that one.

One thing that struck me in the message was a mention of clouds, or at least a cloud, and I thought, yes, I can relate to that, where I feel fine, generally speaking, but I'm dogged by this feeling that things could be better.   So many things I could have done, but clouds got in my way....This, despite some wonderfully encouraging words from a speaker I will see again next Thursday, and I will again be leading worship.  I'm in for an incredibly busy week.  I am actually looking forward to an event at the weekend, and, for once, I will not be involved in any of it, I will blissfully be part of the cong!

Someone missing today as well,  I won't see them for over a month probably...this saddened me somewhat and got me wondering just what is going on in their heart.  I have already decided to distance myself from the situation, as much as it hurts.   I don't even know whether to get in contact with them.

And sad news from the one who is now alone in the world, despite the army of friends, they are just a crowd of faces to them...

Although I rarely practice Sunday afternoons, I will do today - I want to be at my best next Thursday, and keep a right frame of mind.

Changes

I can count on two hands the people I can say, truthfully, I've clashed with in life.  I can likely remember every one of their full names.

I take people as they are.  Yes, I may draw wrong conclusions about them, doesn't everybody, at some point?  Irrational and illogical behaviour may irritate me, but eventually I shrug and come to the conclusion life is too short to make a big deal out of it.  I say, after putting the furniture back together that I've thrown around the room...

But - equally - I can count on two hands (but only just - start counting on the second hand that is) the number of people I have actually clicked with.  My ally in the church, for instance; someone commented that they are like a sibling to me.  Separated at birth?  I muse...well, in fact all children in Christ were, if you think about it, we were there at creation, doomed to be parted until He hung on a tree for us to bring hope that we will be eternally united.  But, yes, that person is special because we think in the same way, and have similar churchy-type upbringing.

It's a blessing to find someone else to connect with, and I had a long conversation with them last night.  We talked about this and that, the person recently widowed and what it's done to them, meetings, conferences, and...

...changes.  They're changing church because they know God has told them to.  Is this another signpost for me?  And which way?  They had wise words for me, but I was unwilling to go into the full story - no-one, not my SOH, not my allies, know the full story and I'm not ready to pour it all out.  Not even here.  Especially not here.  I state nothing here that I wouldn't repeat to those I meet.  God knows it all though.  I've stated my woes verbally and my spirit has groaned with it for months now.

I really hope there is an answer.  And soon.

Faith

Almost slap bang in the centre of Lamentations, a book perhaps second only to Revelations in descriptive horror:

"It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not.  They are new every morning: great is Thy faithfulness." - Lam 3:22-23 KJV 1611

Amazing isn't it, that in the midst of Jeremiah's discourse, when it sounds like it can't get any worse, he praises God that he is still alive.

Worship this morning:

Holy, Holy, God Almighty
Lord I come before Your throne
In Christ Alone
On the Cross
All Hail the Lamb

...and I felt that we needed to carry on singing, so

I just want to praise You

And, unusually, I was invited to play something after the message, and I chose

My Lord, what Love is this

And although they are not out of woods, my friend's act of rebellion was to turn up at church today, despite having a major operation a couple of weeks back.  No, it didn't blow up, it was peaceful, but I sensed a certain tension, which wasn't allowed to develop.  It was good to see them, and when I hugged them goodbye and they said they missed me, I said, me too, more than you know.  It may be a few weeks before I see them again - yes, there's the phone, yes there's email, yes I could even go see them...somehow it's not the same out of the environment of the church.

Yesterday, during prayer, I felt the tangle that I've been caught up in, unravel a little, freedom and sunshine didn't seem as far away than of late.  Maybe clarity is not far behind, maybe I can grasp hold of what God is trying to tell me....

...there was further news today of someone who isn't a member of the church but is a long term friend of many within the church (and his spouse was my predecessor)...let's just say the news, on a mortal level, isn't good.

I have come to understand that death is not an ending - it is a beginning, although it can feel like an ending to those they leave behind.  It is, indeed, a bridge, that we cannot cross (and must not attempt to prematurely - although technically we can!) until God so calls us.   It's the interminable wait though - and maybe the knowledge that when we see them again it will be different and the relationship cannot be as it was on earth - it will in fact be something better.  My SOH agrees though - we may go separately (the likelihood is high in fact - you can probably guess why) - but when we meet again, the relationship will be perhaps more "special" than others, and even those who have had multiple spouses, they will be in some sort of special harmony and they, perhaps, will have more to enjoy, as they have shed the most tears...

I am perhaps being whimsical, it's not something I dwell on much.   Over the next week, I need to quit maudlin, and do more kneeling.

Friends

I got an unexpected phone call, the first one on my new phone (which has got more stuff on it than I'll ever need, it even accepts certain apps - and it was a cheap phone!) - from my friend who's just got over an illness and operation (the one that, due to "political" reasons I won't go see at home).  Wonderful to hear from them, and sounding so chirpy too, but in the midst of the conversation I suddenly latched on to why I've been feeling uneasy lately.  I'm not the only one.

Strangely, later, I was sitting by the lake and trying out the radio on the phone, and I came across a station that was playing "I'll be there for you" - also known as the theme from Friends.  How apt, after the 10 minute convo earlier, and after I'd spent half to three quarters of an hour chatting to the Boss, and then my closest friend was there sitting beside me - my OH of course, who'd come out to find me.