Lost weekend

The weekend was...

...difficult...

I managed to write down a few things, and it helped.  To see some of my woes summarised in childish scrawl is scary in a way, I now need to get some of these points across to others...nicely.

But I suffered dreadful homesickness whilst I was away.  Last time, I relaxed for a few hours, I even had constructive prayer and Bible study time.  This time round, the area I grew up in held no appeal, and I aborted a day trip after an incident, like a wounded animal I had to get back to my burrow - only my real burrow was a couple of hundred miles away, and I had to make do with a hotel room.  And cry out to Him who is able.

I will stick to my promise of going twice a year, but I can't say that's going to be easy.  I will plan better next time, do things slightly differently, I will also prepare better and give myself a get-out plan...just in case.

The church service I attended on Sunday was good - but sad at the same time.  A congregation of 200 or so, singing very modern hymns (apart from one, nothing we sung was more than 10 years old I think) - but no enthusiasm...no charisma.  It's tempting to say it was disappointing, but it wasn't it was educational in some ways.  God said to me at the start "Just observe."  I did.  When I left, I was hopeful that the young church will eventually get some vim, worshipping their Lord in spirit and in truth.  The thoughts still come back, parallels popping up in my mind with my own situation...

Although I am not leading worship for the next couple of Sundays at least, I came back to 2 worship leading requests - for one of them the hymns are already chosen, I just have to play them.  I might just sing them actually, and not bother dragging along the guitar.  The occasion might just better suit voice and organ as it happens.

The other is one of the "locum" tasks, although I have been told (by God) I can't call it that any more.  So I'm going to have to find another label.  OK, one of the local outreach services for which I happen to be leading worship.  But I somehow feel disrespectful to the person who I am filling in for.  Still, no chance of forgetting about them - I pray for them every night.  In an odd way, they seem to me like a wounded comrade and they are in a field hospital.  They barely know me, are not even aware of my prayers, yet if I can be of some comfort, I hope that prayers are enough.

And I'm meeting up with my friends tomorrow, and it could well be a pivotal moment, a period in time which you can point back to and say: I made a change there, and that's where it all began.  It will just be good to talk to two sensible Christians, who like and respect me and me them, do not have their heads buried in the sand and have sensible advice to impart rather than saying what they think God would have them say.

But I fervently hope that it is the beginning of a new chapter.