It is faintly ironic, or maybe it is somewhat apt, that my last official session as WL for the church was a post funeral service.
Two hymns, The Lord's my Shepherd and Abide With Me. I listened to the prayers and speeches made in remembrance of the deceased, a person I didn't know very well actually, but I felt God saying to me throughout: "Don't fear. You've made the right decision, trust Me."
The final conversation hasn't taken place. I expect it to take place some time next week - hopefully Monday or Tuesday. I am not going to be persuaded otherwise to the course I am taking - there is a motivation, a catalyst, a devastating piece of information that when imparted to me I could hear the "boom" of the nail being hammered in...
Then that will be it. I will be in the wilderness. I entered one earlier this year, and I now understand why - to prepare me for this: lonelier, forcing me to be even more dependant on God. You want closeness, He said, I can draw you closer. You just have to be willing and pliant to drop every last vestige of ego and sacrifice your whole being.
But I will learn so much. 2012 has been painful. I'd say I'd do it again, but in fact, I don't want that. I want to move on, not ponder on the past. I don't regret anything that has happened, and I do not want the year to end in bitterness. Just hope. Hope for 2013, which will be a very interesting year.
It will be a blessed year, if I continue to do what He wills me to do.
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