Transition - Part two

Distracted at work today, too much going on in my head.

I’m excited, but sorrowful.  Trusting, but change is painful.

I thought I’d post today as a postscript to the rather weary post of yesterday.

“You’re free of me for a few weeks.” I said during a break in worship yesterday.  Was it a lie, when I’ve already made up my mind about the future?  Or am I being careful, and waiting until I’ve spoken to the key people first?  I’ve said I’m 99.9% certain.  I need to clear that 0.1% before I state what I know in my heart I have to do.  That may seem daft to some.

Today, I sent off an email to my mentors, asking to meet up next week – I expect it to be one of the most painful conversations of my life, I have a feeling there will be tears on all sides – I need to write down everything that has led up to this moment, else my resolve might weaken in the face of sentimentality.  There are two other very important people I need to speak to about it, one will not be clear on why I have to do this, and I need to make sure there are no rumours, no misunderstandings.  The reasons for doing this are not as clear cut as they think. The other person may question my motives.  But I cannot ignore the signals.

There were a couple of catalysts last week, but there was one very important catalyst which I needed – the starting gun.

I realised this morning that I heard it a couple of days ago.  It is fortunate I’m not running an actual race with others, I would be well behind.  I heard it on Saturday.  God spoke to me through one of the ladies praying for me.  You have the anointing.  You have the gifts, given to you by Me.  Use them, and be you.  Stop calling yourself a stand in or locum for this which I have given you.

It was the call to raise my sail.

In my church, there is little in the way of “congregational participation” – you basically have to try and encourage it and it is akin to pulling teeth.  For the worship session on Saturday, I decided to play “I will worship”, Ruis’s well-known “echo” chorus.  Different congregation, nobody from my church at all.  I decided if they wanted to participate, they would.  More chance there than my own church.

I sang the first line.  The echo was slightly croaky, and maybe slightly off key.  But it was there.  And to my ears, it was like the angels echoing back.  I was overjoyed.

That, and other things that have occurred since July have brought me to a final decision.

It is something I can no longer ignore.  I am taking a step of faith.