Prayer or Perspective?

Or another P word - philosophical.

When my mind and heart quit raging about something, and I realise that it really isn't worth the aggro, I often feel it's my secular self saying to my spiritual self, "Stop being such a drama queen."

She's wrong actually.  But she does have a point.  I can't do anything about this until Wednesday, and God's timing, impeccable as always, has made sure that I calmed down and had a few prayers said over me first before I even begin to think about doing anything about it, and making sure that any form of temptation is out of the way.  I actually put it down to the prayer, not the self admonishment, that my attitude is 100% improved today than from yesterday, and about 200% from last Thursday.

Is it really worth getting uptight over?  Actually, a couple of people think it is.  It isn't far away from my thoughts, but it has been "filed" in "pending".  It may stare at me angrily for a couple of days...but.  I will not let it overtake my thoughts.  This sure is a personality learning curve.

I now know what I need to say.  The rest is up to God.  Do I trust Him?  Yes.  Let's go.

Lay it at the feet

Worship this morning:

Rejoice!
Take us to the River
Your Love shining like the sun (Pour over me)
Jesus You are changing me

There were 5 originally scheduled, but the Spirit led it all differently this morning.  Further news of improvement in the health of my Brother in Christ, which nearly had me in tears before worship began.

Still there is a raincloud.  Still there is something that needs serious sorting.  I'm not sure where it's going to turn, but I need to take the advice that's been given - Give.  It.  To.  Him.  Quit wrestling with it.

I nearly posted something on Friday or Saturday about something that happened Thursday, but I realised that it was going to be a girliepitypartyrant, unhelpful and not exactly objective.  And very confusing to the casual reader.  And probably to me some months down the line.  Needless to say, similar has happened before.  From the same person.  And it's been going on for months.  Bringing me down.  Making me doubt my future.

I complained that the night has been long.  I've been told to be faithful until dawn.  Here's some honesty - I don't know whether I can or if I am being faithful to the right calling.  It could all be taken out of my hands anyway.  Don't get me wrong - I do not doubt what I've been called to be - I doubt where I've been called.  But it was good to talk to someone today who truly understands my position.  Oh how God knew that they had to be there the first time I poured out my heart on these matters.  How could we have possibly imagined it would be under these circumstances.

And this is confusing to the casual leader.  Sorry about that.  But I have to lay it somewhere, why not here?

Development

Sometimes, change happens so gradually, you barely notice it.

I guess that I haven't noticed dramatic changes day by day, but I am very different from whom I was a year ago.

My prayer life is improving, thanks to two friends who are suffering rather dramatically.  Nothing like serious conditions to focus the mind.  And there's been good news from both of them regarding their health - or least treatment of it.

I've started a bible study diary.  Well, it's not really a diary, actually.  I just jot things down in the hope that Life starts to get coherence.  It hasn't, but it is very interesting.

And I'm even getting my enthusiasm back for introducing new stuff to the church.

I think it somewhat of a reward that, in a week or so, which happens to be the nearest Sunday to the anniversary of me becoming "official" lead WL of my church, I will be on my own, all the group having the week off (well, I did have nearly a month...).  Very apt, very special and I'm looking forward to it.

Kingsway 24th July

Title: Sovereign Over Us
First Line: There is strength within the sorrow
Artist: Aaron Keyes
Composer: Aaron Keyes, Bryan Brown & Jack Mooring
Album: Dwell
Mp3: Yes
Sheet Music: Yes
CCL: Yes - from CCL website
Popular sources: None

My thoughts: This was also offered last December - another repeat then.  I love the words to this, but have to say I am not that enamoured with it musically - perhaps it will grow on me.  Don't really have a lot to say about this one, only that it will sit inoffensively in any Christian music collection.  Sometimes I feel guilty about being a bit "Phffffft" about someone's pride and joy...this is one those occasions - I would that I liked it more...

This song is available on Kingsway from today until 30th July inc.  To access, you must logon; or register with Kingsway, who in return will add you to their mailing list, but they are not serial spammers.  Although this is free, gratis, without charge etc etc, please bear in mind that all rights are still reserved and you need all the usual permissions, and/or a worship song license to record/project/reproduce in church and quite right too.  If I state, in the general information shown above, that it is available on the usual CCL licence, it probably is, but the only One you can fully trust is YAHWEH, so for His sake at least, check out my info as it may be duff.  Please don't sue me if I've got it wrong.   Thanks.

I'm back...

Worship this morning

Jesus, Hope of the Nations
O Lord Our God (Magnify)
I Lift my Hands
You are Beautiful
Thou Art Worthy

And for some reason I had a strong urge to play Your Name, ouch sorry group.  I'm back.

The church does seem empty without a couple of leaders, both MIA, one by choice the other not.

It was, however, good to be back.  And I'm sorry the weekend's over.  Which means it's been a good one.

Slow development

This morning went OK - I may have expected more out of it, but I felt comfortable enough, and a couple of them thanked me so I'm fairly happy.

I'm not firing on all cylinders today though, it looks like a nice day and I've been invited round someone's house but I really don't feel up to it.

An old enemy reared its head this morning, and as soon as I felt it, I thought, oh no not again.  Not exactly a thorn in the flesh, more something that I really should get seen to at some point - by a spiritual warrior rather than a doctor.   Haven't felt that way in about 15 months.  It passed, probably because the Spirit is strong in my life, but it is something I don't want to occur too frequently, not with other things being the way they are.

And the news from the other quarters looks increasingly heartbreaking.  I know that there are positive thoughts that can come out of this, that our future does not stop with death, in fact it begins there.  But why, I think, why should there be grief be in the world?  And why should some suffer it keenly, and more than once in their life?  At least I now know why He has asked me to pray for this person so specifically, and fervently.  And I will.

Anyway - I practiced my singing this afternoon despite a churning stomach, and it felt good to concentrate on my voice for a little while, now that singing lessons have a bit of a hiatus.  When leading worship, the focus tends to be on other things rather than my actual voice - it needs special attention once in a while.

First Sunday in 4 weeks tomorrow.

Always on my mind

There are some things that really are totally out of your control and there is no point worrying about them, as they just become a burden.

Practice was good last night, it was good to be back actually, some easy picks made this week which made for a relaxed and joyful session...

...then one of us shared some news that was not good, and sent me into introspection.  I'm already praying into the situation (from a specific angle) and there are others I know praying in, and fervently, from other angles.  It is serious enough that weak Christians could start to lose faith.  Oh yes, it really is that serious.

I was thinking about it before work this morning, that the Resurrection is the ultimate miracle and this is what we should focus on when doubts start to creep in.  There were witnesses to the living, walking, talking Christ after death on the Cross - why lie about it, and therefore, why doubt it happened?

I'm praying specifically for two people, at the moment, one is also unwell, but I know that God has too much in store for them to be taken away or even stop.  So I'm praying for quick recovery for this one (and for God to speak to them whilst they have the opportunity - they're always zipping around being Martha, and forget to be Mary).  I have no doubts.  I just worry they have too much self-will, and may forget to take things slowly.

The other is a spouse of one who is seriously unwell and it is this person for whom we had worrying news.  I hear statements of faith about them, how a miracle will occur, that they will be healed.  I fervently hope they will.  Why has God put their spouse so specifically on my heart?  I find a prayer for them every night, even when I don't feel like praying or am very tired.  In my mind, they stand stark against a bright blue sky, and I'm starting to get visions for them, and last night they were in a dream I had.  Why is this?  I don't even want to think as to why it could be - I just pray.  If I could ask God for what the future holds, I don't think I would, because I'm scared of the answer.  And I don't think He would tell me anyway.

This person though - always on my mind.  I'm here.  I'm praying for you.